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Counting the good stuff

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In one of my last posts I said I was looking forward to spring, with its longer days, sunnier and warmer days. I said I wanted to stay the course, and not veer off to unknown exciting beginnings with no strategy behind (like quit my job on the spot and travel around the world by myself). I’d like to leave my job for more exciting jobs, but I don’t know what would really excite me. And yet, only 12 months ago my job excited me. So, there is a bit of work to do, inside of me. In the meantime, do not panic, do not fear of missing out on life, do something that you can feel proud of, on a daily basis, and acknowledge the results.

So today I can say that I did my 2 beds: fresh clean bed sheets. I worked from home (where I work most of the time) and despite the fact that it was very very hard to be motivated to work, I managed to do the beds, and to print the checklist for my flight preparation. It seems like nothing, and I agree it is nothing at all, but sometimes I really feel like nothing is giving me motivation, and everything is a huge endeavor. I mentally scan my life situation and see that I am in this boring routine of working from home, seeing cloudy skies, meeting no new people, and not managing to get any project off the ground at work. After the scan is done (usually within seconds), my stomach feels a heavy sensation, like a burn, my head wants to escape, and I fall in a stupid sense of unaccomplishment.

I am not depressed, meaning I don’t cry every day and I don’t feel desperate, I do have some eggs in some baskets, but I do feel a similar inaptitude to complete actions as when I was depressed. The brain isn’t wired to give me the boost of energy to move all parts of my body. I get overwhelmed by the number of things I have to do, and I disregard all of them instead of taking one by one, and start working on things.

At the end of the week I am heading to Southern France to resume my flight lessons at last, see if I can unblock my situation, thanks to a new environment, another airspace, with a new instructor and in a sunny part of the world, Provence. The French there have a funny accent, they are funny and quite open to foreigners. David Guetta has a house there I saw it from the skies, it’s beautiful. Lots of rich people with amazing homes. I think of them and I wish I had the same means. Or that David Guetta could host me for the week. It would be great to stay at his place. He has a wife and kid. so cute. Anyways, I am diverting.

Flight is my objective for this summer: if I do this, I will feel that I have accomplished a huge task, and have overcome a huge obstacle. I have been stressed about flying in the past months. Not sure I can overcome it yet, but I am putting my mind to it. I am even getting psychological help to understand why I am blocking and how I can unblock.

Insomma, life is beautiful and sometimes I forget to look with the right lenses.

Memory loss and anti-depression achievements

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I realised I didn’t write in a long time; on one end it is a good sign, it means I am doing well, I have been busy, I have been my “usual” self (usual = pre-depression); on the other end I am sorry I have neglected you, diary, because this is a long term project and I want to keep a trace of my fight against depression.

I also realise I forgot about the diary. I haven’t thought about it in a long time.

Forgetting is something I do often, I have bad memory, really bad, from childhood in fact. This has been a disadvantage for studies, as I could not memorise much, but a good thing for social liaisons, as I forget easily why I am angry with someone, so I don’t hold a grudge, haha! “I was very angry with you, but I forgot why, so let’s stay friends”. I am a bit like Dory in Finding Nemo.

But this memory thing has gotten a bit worse with the therapy. I took 20mg Fluoxetine from December 2019 until Spring 2022: that’s a bit more than 2 years. Yesterday I went to a new psychiatrist (who needs to report that I am fine with pursuing a private pilot license) and he said that usually memory capabilities go down with psychotropes. This is less of a good news, and I hope it won’t get worse than this. I hope I won’t get Alzheimer. But that is another disease, I don’t see the link with psychiatric remedies.

In hindsight, looking at the last 3 years, since I was depressed and could not get out of bed, where everything was overwhelming, and I didn’t see the sense of life, I look at me today and I see that I have done tremendous progress. Medicine is not necessary, and I don’t recommend it unless you are really really low. I was at a very low point, and could not find in me the strength to get up again. I felt the world was collapsing onto me, too heavy to sustain. So I took some medical crutches, I took an antidepressant, which gave me the mental capacity to get up again on my feet. Antidepressant is not the goal, it’s the means. The most important work is with a psychological consultant who can study your mind, understand where you turn your thoughts in ways that lead you to depression, and prescribes you the mental weapons to grow stronger, avoid the tricks of your mind, come out of your fight with your brain as a winner. Winning is embracing your brain, understanding who you are (not easy at all), and remembering to be gentle with you whilst being demanding.

I don’t think that my psychologist is a great one, he is actually a psychoanalist (I didn’t know then, I just looked up a practice on Google that was walking distance from home….), but he did tell me a few things over 3 years that stuck with me. And I am daily using the exercises to strengthen my mind against the adversities that my own mind finds along the way. I do intentionally look for the elements in the day that make my glass half full instead of half empty. Empty glass is part of the glass, but I know I can make it fuller than emptier, it’s all up to me.

One great example I often think of, is Monsters Inc. Check this scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35XcnPM68ro the one eyed monster finds out that he is on the front cover of the magazine, but his face is hidden by the barcode. And yet he is super excited to be on the front cover of the magazine! I find that so cute. Seeing good also when it’s not 100% perfect. I mean, better being partly on the cover than not being there at all.

Anyway, this was just a quick note to say I am back, I haven’t left now that I am feeling good. I am much happier now, quite satisfied with pretty much everything in my life, and working daily on my happiness. I have projects, and I stick to them. That is key for me. Podcast, naturalisation, flying license, sport, travels, work. The fight isn’t over, and I think it will be a fight for life. Winter is coming, I am getting ready.

More soon.

1 day on, 2 days off Fluoxetine – first week

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I did about one week of major reduction of Fluoxetine intake: 1 day on, 2 days off. Today I felt a bit down. I don’t want to be paranoiac, but it’s a fact: every time I feel down now I relate it to the fluoxetine, or lack thereof.

Like my best friend rightfully reminded me the other day, I need to remember that everyone gets moments up and down. I can feel less motivated because of the circumstances.

Good news: my mood hasn’t worsened during the day. I feel ok tonight. I did the evening flight course, went to the gym after work, kept myself busy. The lesson was interesting. Tonight I sense that I could go another full day without fluoxetine… but I will stick to the rule. For now it is 1 day on and 2 days off. once I feel stable and confident, I will start 1 day on and 3 days off. Right now I am happy if my moods stay stable after 2 days without medicine. It’s a real success. I don’t underestimate it. The body is getting used to receiving less chemicals. It will take the time that it will take. I don’t want to rush this mega step.

Step by step.

Time to cut off Fluoxetine

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One of the three objectives of my next two years is getting a private pilot license. The other two are: becoming a Swiss citizen and moving to the new house. But I forgot one major, major one: getting off Fluoxetine and stay away from medicaments for ever. This is a big deal, because I tried once before, and I slipped into another phase of depression. So I had to go back to my meds. It’s been over 2 years with Fluoxetine (the equivalent of Prozac) and this year, in spring, I want to do it again and this time, I want to succeed.

Last week I learnt that I need to pass a medical test to be allowed to fly for my pilot license exams. I told the doctor at the aviation club that I am taking antidepressants, and he said that this is a no-go by default. I need to be off medicaments for a number of months, and a follow up from my psychiatrist must ensue, before I can have the ok to fly. That has created a negative effect on me, as I almost found a good reason not to do the license. But then I thought that this can go to my advantage: I will eliminate Fluoxetine on 1st March and if all goes well I will be able to get the green light to fly by fall. This is my thinking.

It is easier for me to see the half glass empty, but I am working to see it half full. This is what my psychoanalyst is saying: train yourself to turn the negative thoughts to positive. Make a conscious effort, now that you are still using the medicine and feel strong, to actively turn the sad or negative into happy and positive. It’s all in the mind, and the mind can overtake decisions if we give it too much room to act. The other mind, the positive one, must take counteraction, and fight for the good of my whole being.

I would lie if I said that I am fine giving up Fluoxetine. I do know the good it did to me, and I am quite terrified to abandon this comfortable crutch. But man, it’s time to continue life, and to get back to normal; I want to rely on my own strength, my own self confidence.

What if I start feeling depressed again?

Well, what if I won’t?

Love in the time of depression

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The movie was about cholera. I am talking about love and depression. Is it wise to look for love when you are still fighting depression?

My psychologist tells me that I need to forget about my ex, and look ahead, not behind. He is probably right, but for the past 4.5 years I have been holding on the thought of W., as the love of my life, hoping that one day he will agree to talk, and to listen what I have to say; also tell me all the things I didn’t allow him to tell me in my face, cause …. yes cause I left him via email. Terrible I know, but that’s how it went. He never forgave me, and he is over me now, I am pretty sure, although a big part of me still organises her life in view of a reconciliation.

Only love can help me chase away my ex love. I think. I miss love in my life, I am not used to live on my own; it sucks really. Plus I live in a very asocial country, among people that are used to very reserved lives. So I am on my own. It’s important for me to be good with myself, so that I can find the right person. Everybody will tell you that. If I am not happy, I will find unhappy people, or people who I content myself with, for lack of better option. It sounds mean, but it’s what happens. We project our state of mind to others,like a boomerang : watch what you are projecting, cause it will ricochet back to you with same intensity. I had that twice in the last 5 years. The first is the wrong guy for whom I left the right guy (W., the love of my life); the second one I met after I broke up with the wrong guy, and he was a bipolar depressive young man who I had fallen in love with, unable to rationally see how bad of an influence he had on me. Luckily after two years of yoyo, it ended. Like we say in Italian: “meglio soli che male accompagnati”: better alone than with bad company.

But it’s not fun to always be on your own, and I really suffer this. I don’t believe in apps, like Tinder, Bumble, etc. But I got to such a desperate point that I joined a couple of those. It’s funny, there’s one called “adopt a guy”, and you have a shopping basket, just like at Amazon, where you check out the guys you pick. What a consumerism… But funny enough I have interacted with some of these people and one caught my attention. I invited him to dinner at my place, without any commitment; no restaurants to go to, and in Switzerland people are very safe, also on Tinder… plus he does kiteboarding, which for me isa guarantee that he is a good guy. at least not a psychopath (then again, you never know). so, he came to my place and we had a nice dinner; we chatted for about 3 h and then I was hoping he would leave. I guess he understood that, and he said goodbye, hug and kiss on the cheek. Afterwards he writes me that he felt the agreable wish to kiss me and take me in his arms. This warmed up my heart; I don’t find him my type really, but the thought of being desired and thought odf made me feel good. Now I wait for his messages, and it feels good. I don’t know what will happen, but I am going to see him again.

I am very cautious though, because I don’t want to fall in love, and then have another case of non reciprocal love, or the fear that sex is bad, or that I won’t like him, or that I will like him more than I should. Most of all, the fear that I am seeking happiness in someone else, outside of myself. Is it bad? Is it wrong?

Relapse or induced thoughts?

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Since I went completely off antidepressants I have had one day of crying in September, depression style, and another sad morning, maybe end October. Yesterday, beginning of November, I had a small fight with my brother over something that is a family burden (my sister in law) and I cried a little bit, from anger really. This morning my mom sent me an audio message on Whatsapp and she said that I should contact my doctor, the Congolese psychiatrist, as soon as I start feeling signs of depression. I had a hard time waking up, I wanted to stay in bed, and now that I am alone at home, working from home, with a second wave of lockdown looming, I have tears in my eyes and start having those thoughts again, one building on top of the other, negative after negative. Is it me, or is depression really a real thing and is coming back?

I thought I was over it, very happy to have spent the last months in peace, with my heart lighter, the worries far away from my sensitive skin layer, and now that I am off Fluoxetin, exactly 2 months, things are starting again? I recall very well how I felt exactly one year ago. It was horrible. So horrible that I didn’t find any joy in anything I was doing. Winter is coming and I hate autumn, November is the worst month of the year for me, I hate the cloudy and rainy Swiss days, I grew up in Rome, where it’s sunny most of the year. Now, winter wouldn’t be a problem if I was feeling balanced inside. Thoughts of my past life with W. are re-emerging faster, a bit every day, whereas I had left that behind me for a while. I fall asleep thinking how stupid I was to leave the love of my life. Really? Am I again at that stage? What positive thoughts can I dig out, so that I can be happy, and keep steady, like my good friend says?

Keep steady, that is a good advice from A., he knows very well what depression is. having been on antidepressants for 30 years. Now he is off, cause they weren’t doing much. He feels exactly the same with or without. He feels better when he can move, go on his bike, see his sister, etc. A. tells me to remain steady in face of the adversities in life. It’s all how we perceive them after all. Now, will this be enough for me at this stage of my life? Now that I know how it feels with antidepressants, I am worried that my judgement will lean too easily towards Fluoxetine. It’s just easier.

Anway, I am not sure of whether I should give in, and call the damn doctor, or if I should give it some more time and work on my own exercises, like meditation every morning, maybe pump it to twice a day, then regular physical exercise, cardio possibly, then work on a hobby, resurface that damn podcast idea that is still there, waiting for me to make a move. Oh, there’s also a pilot licence I could be doing, paid by my company, which would be cool, but it worries me a bit, cause I risk to add more stress to my life. Already at work I feel stressed for having too much on my plate.

Bref, I don’t know.

A knot in my necklace

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There is a knot in my necklace. I have a very thin necklace, one I know I can use all the time and doesn’t bother me. My mother gave it to me, with my initial letter “L” hanging from it. A while ago, many years ago, I don’t know how, the silver links got tangled, and made a knot. I have had this knot for as long as I can remember wearing the necklace. I tried many times to untie it, even with a small needle holding one end of the necklace and pulling the other end with my finger nails. Nothing. No way.

I feel the same about W., the knot in my life. Not the reason of my depression, but a big thorn in my heart, that is still not healing, 4 years after I ended the relationship. Yes, I did end it, it’s a major regret I have. I should have played my cards better, I should have been way more diplomatic, smarter, more far-sighted. I needed time for myself, I should have asked for a short break. I hurt him a lot, and I believe he shut me off from his life for good so he didn’t have to suffer. He found a new woman almost right away (4, 5 months after?), and he may still be with her. Me: I left him after 14 years of being together, I was lost, I needed stability; we had decided to move back to Switzerland together, but I spent the first 3 months alone without him, without knowing anybody, in complete depressive mode, lost, hating my new job, hating Switzerland, hating life. That was the beginning of a long whirlwind down. Then, one month in, I met someone whose attention lifted me up, made me feel good from the sad state I was in, and I mistook that feeling for love. W. was still away, taking care of business in S.A.. Long story short, the guy fell in love and told me I should choose either him or W., and by the time W. came to Switzerland (3 months after me moving there), I was in “butterfly in the stomach” mode, and chose the wrong guy.

The two months bliss I felt with someone else, fresh emotions, new feelings, great sex, cost me 4 years of suffering; that time and the pleasure I felt made me lose perspective on my real love, the one who had shared his life with me for the past 14 years, who was coming live with me in Switzerland after we decided we could no longer live in S.A.. 14 years of traveling together, living in 8 different countries, adventuring, choosing where we would go next, changing life every 2-3 years at most…. the person with whom I had an effortless relationship, the man of my life, the person with whom I created my own dictionary made of acronyms, that only we could understand; the perfect match. Yes, I threw that away. And it was so easy. One email. A long long one. I didn’t even tell him in his face. I did the whole jackpot of mess. And I have been blaming myself for it ever since. 13 August 2016. worst day. in hindsight.

The knot in the necklace reminds me that in my heart it is not over. I have gone through a major depression, I overcame it all by myself, W. was not there to support me, I probably made both of us a great favour, I think he would have fallen out of love for me anyway, seeing me this low. I had to be alone, I have to be alone now, I feel I am gaining strength again but I am not there yet. Leaving the antidepressants makes it harder, but I am still feeling good most of the time. I don’t know how I would have handled depression with W. on my side. Although it was super hard to go through this alone, I think that I needed to be alone, and start loving me again first, and not be influenced by anybody in my own decisions; leaving him was wrong and right at the same time.

And yes, I am going through all this, I am getting stronger, I am feeling ok not having anybody in my life, but…. deep down I know that I plan to see W. again, discuss in person, get our angers off of our chests, our sadnesses, and one day be together again. This could be in 6 years time, in 10, or when we are retired, so we can start traveling again without the worry of earning money. I know this is tying me with W. still, and is not letting me go. I haven’t had one sign of life from him, his best friends have shut me off too, to protect him, and I feel abandoned. I don’t know if I will ever feel complete again, and if I ever get to forget about him. Move on. So for know I keep the knot. It’s a hard one.

I will concentrate on my physical and mental health, on my job and I will look forward to travels again, when Covid allows us. Then we’ll see.

La ricaduta

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ça y est – as they say in French. Monday 12 October 2020, after 9 months of finally feeling normal and serene, I had a relapse. I woke up in the morning and an overwhelming, irresistible, unavoidable feeling of depression pervaded my whole mind and body. I was petrified, scared and thought “oh no please, not this”. It isn’t over, and if I don’t take precautions, depression will resume. Why? Boh, I can’t quite capture why last Monday I started crying as if there is no tomorrow. I recognised that invasive feeling that pulls the plug off any motivation that you have in your body; I don’t know, although I can reflect on it, why I felt helpless on that Monday morning, and not the evening before.

Let’s see. The day before I was talking to my friend A., and he was giving me advice on how to negotiate my salary with my CEO; this is something that is tormenting me, as I don’t like to negotiate my salary and conditions, but at the same time I know I am being underpaid for what I bring to the company; so, there’s that point. Another thing that was going on in the last days was the amount of work adding up to my desk, important deals to make, the pressure of sales, and two big customers who are complaining about contracts and price lists; I felt all this weighing on my shoulders; another element is weather: going towards winter, the cold has already started, the days are getting shorter and I simply hate autumn, as it is the prelude to the darkest and coldest time of the year in Europe, it is rainy, it is basically the perfect prelude to depression. And I knew that: winter is no good time to stop antidepressants; that’s why I had decided to reduce Fluoxetin in June, and then cut off in August, which is still in summer. But I didn’t consider that it takes time for the body to adjust to the new life without drugs. Anyway, I did the best I could, all things considered.

One thing I noticed when I was taking the drug, is a sort of layer of pleasant detachment from peak emotions that Fluoxetin gave me; I felt as though the problems were far away, not touching me as they usually would; so I felt more in peace, more detached and neutral to the events in life; I guess that now that I am “me” without drugs, this layer is slowly fading and I am exposed to the real feel of those emotions, especially the ones that are negative, like stress, fear of rejection, jealousy, anxiety. I want to stay strong, and am taking action: I resumed meditation, I try to do half hour in the evening, and half hour in the morning; then I took up sport again, which is great, as it gives me physical strength and keeps my mind focused. Then I try to have more social life, which in Switzerland is not given… and then I strive to do one thing at a time, which for me is difficult, but I make an effort, so I don’t feel overwhelmed and I don’t panic.

That’s what it is! I panicked, too many negative thoughts were coming to me in the last days leading to Monday, and I lost it. One thought at a time is the deal. I’ll make the best out of this circumstance.

But man, was that scary. It was a clear reminder that depression is not to be underestimated; it isn’t over until it’s over, and I am no longer lowering the guard.

I miss W. tremendously.

More soon.

one month mark off antidepressant

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3 September 2020 was my last day of Fluoxetin. I started in December last year. 20mg in December, January, February, March, April, May, then 10mg in June, July August. I did 9 months of antidepressants, and I am now off. How am I doing? Well.

I must say I was more regular in my routines back during the Covid lockdown, from March until July. Then came the holidays, and I went to Italy for two weeks. Super relax, camped at the seaside where I grew up, so I didn’t feel the need to meditate in the morning. The whole day felt like a huge meditation, it was great, no work, no pressure, no stress. All I did was eat, sleep, be in company of my parents and swim. But I have been slacking, and two things have gone missing in my life since I have started this depression fight process: meditation and sport. This week I am in Ticino for work, and so I have resumed meditation in the morning, but also stress is back, due to those tight deadlines at work, to not feeling appreciated when the CEO writes careless emails hurting people’s motivation, to traveling again, to being in traffic (Ticino is absurd by the way), and from not releasing stress through a good cardio workout. But, all that said, I feel good in the core. One month and counting, I feel good and strong inside.

Anger is still accompanying me a lot, like I described in a past post, but I prefer to be angry than to be depressed. I get a life kick out of anger, whereas I get no stimulus whatsoever from depression. At least when I am angry I review over and over again in my head the way I will make this or that person pay for what he/she did to me or one of my family members. When I was depressed, not even one year ago, I could not move from my bed, I had to hire a cleaning lady to fold my clothes, which I was leaving chaotically all over the apartment; I did not see any reason why I should move one single muscle. Anger is different: I am not often angry, but since taking antidepressants I feel that with my self confidence has come my anger for certain unsolved things in my life.

My sister in law for example, L., I am very angry at her. My CEO, sometimes I am really angry at him: he pays me less than my colleagues, while I bring the best deals to the company. Typical Swiss white male mentality; a woman is not paid equally, parity of jobs and disparity of treatment; I was hoping he would propose me a raise, after two years of being there and closing mega deals, but he hasn’t. So I am reviewing over and over again in my head (and I write down in notes) the speech I am going to make him, the negotiation process I envision, and I am exercising my orator skills in order to get from him what I want, without him getting angry at what I am asking. The 101 principle of negotiation, at which I am getting better, but still not 100% perfect.

Also, I am still doing mental exercising to channel my OCDs, the little things that drive me insane, from small habits to bigger issues. I catch myself reenacting the same process, and I stop it there. I want to do a lot of things to improve myself, not for the others but for me. I am learning to say “no” to people, when I feel that a “yes” will hurt me one way or another, eventually. I am giving myself more credit that I have been in the past, I am not lowering my self esteem to the privilege of weak people around me; it’s their problem if they are weak, not mine.

Anyway, lots of different messages in this post, but I thought to write something, as it has been already one month since I last wrote, and that’s not good.

Gotta go buy warm clothes. Winter has come so rapidly.

I miss W..

Tiredness

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I keep meditating in the morning. I am not trying to meditate a second time daily yet, as it is quite hard to take some moment off my daily schedule, once the day starts. I would like to increase the meditation time per day, (for now it’s 30 minutes) as I am convinced it would be helping even more, but for now I am content with what I manage. Even the yoga for the eyes was really good, but I have stopped that. Work has been absorbing me a lot, but it is giving me joy, so I do it with pleasure. I am happy these days (and months), it feels so good to have life and joy in the veins. For the moment I am mostly absorbed by work, and I want to make a conscious effort in balancing the elements of my life, so that I don’t have all my joy in one basket. I want to increase the sport level, which since COvid has been drastically reduced, and I want to increase the social life. I find myself too comfortable on my own since lockdown. I don’t know if it’s because I have finally found myself again, and am happy with my own company, or because of the effects of isolation due to the pandemic. December 2019 I was desperate because I could not travel as much as I wanted, and July 2020 I am happy travelling less. Is it because I am satisfied with my job now? Is it because of Fluoxetin? Is it because I have started granting myself the love and self admiration I had for so long abandoned? All of the above perhaps.

Speaking of Fluoxetin: I halved the dose 5 weeks ago. I can’t see any difference in my state of mind, and I am very happy about this. I am not sure if there are side effects to Fluoxetin, all I know is that it doesn’t produce addiction, so I should be fine getting off completely in a couple of months time. My next appointment with Dr. N. (the jolly Congolese) is in August. He’ll assess whether it’s the right time to stop. One thing I have noticed since two weeks, though, is that by Friday afternoon I am knackered. I am so tired that my brain can’t compute anymore, and on Saturday I wake up tired. I have had to take a long nap on both past Saturdays. Today is Sunday and I feel a bit more energised, I wonder if it is because I am not sleeping my 7.5 hours minimum, which is my ideal, 8 being even better, or because work has been so tolling these past weeks that I am just tired, as anybody would be. I must admit the sensation of tiredness on Saturdays, where all I want is sleep all day, scares me because it reminds me of when I was depressed and I was not motivated by anything, so staying in bed was the only thing I would do. This is not the same circumstance, I do have great motivation to get out of bed, I am just scared of depression.