I managed to get by November by staying in Switzerland only 1.5 weeks in total. I went to the warm country of Oman for 12 days, and to a university friends get together in Spain for a long weekend. Not as warm as Oman, but sunny and beautiful as well. December is going by relatively quickly, with the first real snow falling, and the excitement of being able to go skiing.

November and December are the worst months for me, I don’t like autumn, I don’t like its dying colors, and I sadden as the days go darker and darker. This is what I am feeling now that I am back in Switzerland, at my place; it’s light at 8am, and it’s dark at 5pm. exactly at working hours. I feel like sleeping and staying in bed. If I hadn’t suffered from depression, I would find this amusing; feeling like a bear, understanding why certain animals hibernate in winter; but it raises alarm bells everywhere in my system. Last year, when I was depressed, staying in bed for 10 minutes was the beginning of a disguised turbine that dragged me down a spiral of wanting to do nothing; today I have the experience of two years of that feeling, and I know I want to resist the temptation of doing nothing, and lying on the couch, because this is dangerous for depression relapse. I don’t have the certainty, but even with Fluoxetin and all, I don’t trust winter and it’s tricky moods that reflect on my own self.

This morning it’s dark even though it’s 8.30am. Clouds are hovering and it has been snowing quite a bit. I woke up around 6.30am (late for my usual wakeup time of 4.30am) and started with breakfast, then I took the laundry downstairs, stored the Oman tent in the basement, and started to write this page of my depression fighter diary. Oh, I also made a list of things to do in the weekend, putting on every line that matters; this makes me feel I have accomplished things, and remind me that I am not being inactive and depressed. I am moving and make things happen.

My list of today:

• Sell 4 items on marketplace
• water plants
• wash dishes
• wash hair
• iron the wax on the tupperware/cloth
• take expense report to the office
• study 45 min for swiss naturalisation
• buy groceries
• buy one winter plant
• go to the gym (1h)
• prepare ski-gear for tomorrow
• ski in St Luc
• glue laptop loose gum
• search interviewees for podcast
• store travel luggages
• wash laundry
• wash floor
• podcast: study donation scheme

What I find good about this list is that there are lots of items, and I can already check a few of them, at 8.30am. Wash hair, wash laundry, which makes me feel good. I put it on an A4 paper, and every time I check one item, it’s success and I acknowledge that I have done well. No matter how little the todo thing was. I won’t throw away the list after this weekend. I will keep it for a while and add it to the upcoming weekends.

I see that I can do better yet: the very first item is in truth 4 items, cause I want to sell a small drone I don’t use anymore, a cappuccino maker a friend gave me which is too big for me, a 3D goggle, and a powerbank. That’s 4 times the effort. So I think I’ll split the first item.

And I will add one more item: write diary. check.