Month: November 2020

Back to drugs

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Third day of Fluoxetin, 10mg. Dr N. said ok. I am surprised he gave me the answer via phone, through his assistant. Usually he requests an appointment (300 chf please).

I decided not to be stubborn this time, and to take the medicine immediately, as I am starting feeling that depressive emotion again. I am familiar with the symptoms: when I start thinking of going away from Switzerland, when I want to go to Canada and find W. and when I want to change job, that’s the alarm bell for me. Last year this time I was in a terrible mood, this winter I want to be better, be good, be great. Despite the fall, despite the challenges at work, despite not having W. in my life.

I feel disappointed that I am back to square one, but I have decided not to feel sorry or ashamed for taking Fluoxetin again. Like my friend says: “be happy that you have found something that works for you”; she is right; this medicament is helping me, and I will take it. Possibly for a short while, during winter maybe, until the sun shines again and Corona ends.

After 4.5 years I am still thinking about W.. Will it ever end? I tell myself that I will forget him when I find a new love. Good luck here in Switzerland, where it’s so hard to make friends, let alone find love. I don’t go out enough (and now with covid even less), I should get into more social circles. I need to find a way to meet people from the IMD, or similar international schools; people who come here to do masters degrees, people my age, that come from all over the world, one I can fall in love with.

But W. is my special love, the one with the big L, the one I would like to grow old with… well if he ever decides to speak to me again. For now I have no chance. I emailed him.. nothing; I sent him a message on FB, he blocked me; I reached out on LinkedIn, he makes himself invisible to me; I even delivered a letter to him via an acquaintance of mine who so kindly went to Banff to give it to him in person, and he received it, saying he was going to read it. But I never heard from him. This was last year. Now what should I do? I tried forgetting him and get over him. it’s been almost 5 years. No chance. He was my steady star, we completed each other, now I feel empty.

But: when I was with him I had already signs of depressions. I was crying a lot, I was dissatisfied about my own professional battles, things were hard also when he was around, loving me and caring about me. So I wonder: even if I saw him tomorrow, would his love make me happy? Would I make him happy? Or do I still need to search inside me a while longer to find happiness? That’s what I am thinking right now. I need to get back to my feet for good, before I can find someone (or him) again. I can’t rely on someone else to be happy.

If I were with someone, I would feel less lonely.

Does depression get under your skin?

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There we go. Not even two months since I stopped taking the antidepressants and I am finding myself crying on the couch since yesterday. Is this thing ever going to go away? I meditate and all, but it’s come back. And the looming lockdown ain’t gonna help. Che palle. Shit! Merde!!

If you ask me, it seems as though this disease, that we should be able to control in our mind, is very strong, and is looking for a host, like a virus; it requires I don’t know what, to eradicate it. You know that virus that you get when you have herpes (like on the side of your lips): that virus stays in your body forever, silent mostly, and then it comes up when your immune system is low and stress goes high. I feel depression is the same. I hope not, but damn, I thought I had progressed in the past year, and here it comes again. Do I have to live with it all my life? Why has it entered in the first place?

I have so much to do for work, and I cannot concentrate. I have an important call with an international client, and I am afraid of the results. It could turn into a tough conversation, and I don’t want to deal with it, it scares me. No it doesn’t scare me, it stresses me. I am worried that I may make mistakes, I am worried of what the CEO thinks of me. I feel as though I had had a burnout and I have a hard time getting back on my feet.

Burnout: we never even knew this word 10 years ago. And now all I hear around me is burning out, risk of burnout, stress at work, stress in life, tension, expectations, challenges, etc. I had a simpler life before, I had my man beside me, I was younger, life was easier. And now I feel stuck again. While a few months ago life was good again. I had closed an important deal, I had found new friends, I have spent two beautiful weeks at the sea, I have bought a SUP for the lake and a wetsuit for swimming in winter. And now I am back to square one? No way.

I feel like a child who cries when he cannot have what he wants. Work is difficult right now? I cry. I miss W. so much? I cry. My sister in law doesnt want to talk to me? I cry. Now, is this me being spoilt and unable to cope, or is it a disease where I see all black? Cause I wasn’t like that in the past. Or maybe I was and I just had to wait and see? No, I remember when life was easy, during my studies, in Rome, living with my parents and traveling to study languages. Now, 20 odd years later, I feel my life is an echec. But in truth it’s not, I just perceive it as such. If only I could find a balance in me. Happiness is inside, not outside. I shouldn’t care if a client isn’t happy with me. who cares. but I am, to a point that I stress and depress.

I have written to Dr. N. and asked if I can resume Fluoxetin. 10mg. Let’s see what he says.

Relapse or induced thoughts?

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Since I went completely off antidepressants I have had one day of crying in September, depression style, and another sad morning, maybe end October. Yesterday, beginning of November, I had a small fight with my brother over something that is a family burden (my sister in law) and I cried a little bit, from anger really. This morning my mom sent me an audio message on Whatsapp and she said that I should contact my doctor, the Congolese psychiatrist, as soon as I start feeling signs of depression. I had a hard time waking up, I wanted to stay in bed, and now that I am alone at home, working from home, with a second wave of lockdown looming, I have tears in my eyes and start having those thoughts again, one building on top of the other, negative after negative. Is it me, or is depression really a real thing and is coming back?

I thought I was over it, very happy to have spent the last months in peace, with my heart lighter, the worries far away from my sensitive skin layer, and now that I am off Fluoxetin, exactly 2 months, things are starting again? I recall very well how I felt exactly one year ago. It was horrible. So horrible that I didn’t find any joy in anything I was doing. Winter is coming and I hate autumn, November is the worst month of the year for me, I hate the cloudy and rainy Swiss days, I grew up in Rome, where it’s sunny most of the year. Now, winter wouldn’t be a problem if I was feeling balanced inside. Thoughts of my past life with W. are re-emerging faster, a bit every day, whereas I had left that behind me for a while. I fall asleep thinking how stupid I was to leave the love of my life. Really? Am I again at that stage? What positive thoughts can I dig out, so that I can be happy, and keep steady, like my good friend says?

Keep steady, that is a good advice from A., he knows very well what depression is. having been on antidepressants for 30 years. Now he is off, cause they weren’t doing much. He feels exactly the same with or without. He feels better when he can move, go on his bike, see his sister, etc. A. tells me to remain steady in face of the adversities in life. It’s all how we perceive them after all. Now, will this be enough for me at this stage of my life? Now that I know how it feels with antidepressants, I am worried that my judgement will lean too easily towards Fluoxetine. It’s just easier.

Anway, I am not sure of whether I should give in, and call the damn doctor, or if I should give it some more time and work on my own exercises, like meditation every morning, maybe pump it to twice a day, then regular physical exercise, cardio possibly, then work on a hobby, resurface that damn podcast idea that is still there, waiting for me to make a move. Oh, there’s also a pilot licence I could be doing, paid by my company, which would be cool, but it worries me a bit, cause I risk to add more stress to my life. Already at work I feel stressed for having too much on my plate.

Bref, I don’t know.