It’s been almost two years since my first Fluoxetine dose. December 2019 was when I started. Then I took it until June 2020, and reduced the dosage by half, until September 2020, when I stopped completely. By end of October 2020 I was depressed again and had to resume Fluoxetine early December 2020. Today is 24 October 2021. Unlike last year, I have not attempted again to stop Fluoxetine at the beginning of autumn, but will do so next year, 2022, around March-April, when the best season for me starts.

This is an introduction to say that the way I feel now is different from last year. Today I feel confident, not depressed, I have energy, not lack of living fuel in my veins; the problems that arose last year with work (a contract that has deteriorated over the months) is persisting this year, with a new challenging turn, but I am taking it in a different way. This is a progress, and I’ll take anything but depression. Depression is a plug that is torn from my body, energy that turns off without a turn on button on the instruction manual. Anger, on the contrary, is a feeling, it makes me feel alive, although it’s not as pleasant as joy.

Anger is what I feel today, and what I have felt the past weeks. I have given so much to my job, working more than necessary, believing in the product, and I have received zero recognition and support from the management. I told this Mr. G., my psychologist, whom I see every 3-4 weeks, and I expressed him my frustration.

Frustration: the feeling of being annoyed or less confident because you cannot achieve what you want, or something that makes you feel like this

Cambridge Dictionary

So, I’ll take anger, because if I think back only a year ago, I could not move from bed. But I need to harness this feeling, which I consider not a happy one, and transform it to a positive one; Mr. G. told me that I want everybody to love me, and I seek everybody’s approval and recognition, whereas this is not what I should be aiming at. I should be happy with how I feel about me. It’s ok if not everyone loves me, it’s ok to have “enemies”, I need to remember that these are all feelings, not the universal truth. Reality is the way I perceive myself within my own circle of relationships.

It’s not all about me. I came across this video on Youtube and it made me think. Frederik Imbo, the author of this Ted Talk, says : do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? He advocates to use discipline and training, to train your brain not to take things personally. He became a referee to train himself to not take things personally. He shifted the focus from Me to We, and look at the other person’s intention. ’cause it’s not about me.

And what if it is about me? In this case I doubt about myself, because I haven’t come to terms with parts of myself, I am not confident. And I don’t take into account other people’s needs. This is probably rooted in childhood (maybe you were never good enough, or you were spoiled too much, always having your dad’s back).

I have started exercising not to take things personally. Easier said than done, but at least by trying I am training my mind to protect myself. It’s usually not about me, in which case the problem isn’t there, it’s the way others see themselves. When it’s about me, what can I do? My ego wants to be right, it wants to be acknowledged. Me, myself and I.

I am sad if I don’t get recognition. Imbo says: then open up without blaming the other one, vocalise your needs. Give yourself empathy, speak up.

I will adopt this strategy next time I am sitting in the same room with the CEO.

PS: did you know that we have 50’000 thoughts a day, and of them 10’000 are positive. 80% of what we think are negative thoughts. We might as well concentrate more on the positive.