Month: February 2022

Like the villain in a movie

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You know the villain in a movie? The guy who gives the protagonist a hard time, and throws several obstacles to counteract his life mission? Well, I had an accident that is working like a villain to my mission of healing from depression.

They say: nothing happens to you that you cannot take. I don’t agree with this, but I think we can grow strong through the hard times, it’s part of our survival code. Some don’t make it. But I will. I must, cause I love life too much.

I had a ski accident on Saturday, and have torn something in my knee. I am not able to move much, only slowly. I had to ask a neighbor to take me to the IRM, cause I live on my own. I don’t know how this is going to affect my flying classes (knowing that I need both feet to maneuver the aircraft), which adds to the other less positive elements of my present life. So I am being put to the test, exactly when I am going off medicaments. Today is end of week one, when I have taken Fluoxetine every other day, instead of every day. This week I will take it every 3 days. Next week I should get off. I still feel fine.

Work is not motivating right now, I need to basically motivate myself on many fronts: personal, sport, professional, medical. I am an individual who has always been together with someone: family first, then boyfriend, then life companion. 5 years ago this ended abruptly, so it is still fresh in my system. I function better in a couple scenario. I also live in Switzerland, which by definition is a hard place to make friends.

Yesterday I knocked at the door of my neighbor upstairs, I thought “what the hell”, I took the initiative, and I met an American lady who is very nice. Today we will have lunch together. It works, I can make it happen, but it needs motivation and determination. For now I have it.

I am taking actions, and am not letting the obstacles stop my path, for now. My next two years are set, and I want to stick to the course, even if I am not convinced by it 100%. I am not convinced that I should do the pilot license, I am not convinced that I should stay in Switzerland if I feel miserable here, I am not convinced that I should keep my job; etc. But if I look at the alternative, I don’t have one, one where I see myself happy. So I better stick to a scenario I know for now, get my Swiss citizenship, heal the knee, continue the pilot course (it’s something new to learn, always interesting), find a new place to live (I need to get out of my apartment in May), continue on this job, and see how it goes by mid-end year.

I may write more often than not, as I feel the need to express my feelings in a dangerous time of relapse.

Main goal: be rid of Fluoxetine for good, and feel good. Maybe not happy yet, but good enough to be strong without medicines. That is the key basis for everything else.

15 feb 2022: first day off meds

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Since last year I have been preparing for this day: getting off Fluoxetine. I spoke about it with my psychologist, and on 15 Feb with my psychiatrist, ’cause it’s her who needs to give the go ahead. And so she did. She asked me (to confirm) if I was feeling good, strong and self confident. I sort of am, I have had stronger times last year, when work was going well and I wasn’t doubting my skills. Today I feel good, not “happy” but good enough to give it a go. And I have a concrete reason to do this right now: I want to succeed at my flight school. They won’t let me fly if I am on antidepressants (makes sense). This means that I won’t be able to pass the medical test until months after I quit. The psy said that I will be able to pass the medical exam by July, by then there’s nothing more in my system and I will be stable in my moods. I will do that.

How does it work? I take one tablet every other day on week 1; then one every 3 days on week 2, and by week 3 I stop. Yesterday I didn’t take it. Today I did. Tomorrow I won’t. Spirits are quite high (despite the shitty weather). I am working it out: as soon as some negative thoughts come in (which they do constantly) I acknowledge them but let them go, just like meditation. However, I haven’t been able to sustain meditation sessions over the years, I just find it too numbing in a way, I prefer to have my eyes open and deal with my reality with all my senses. Kudos for those who can meditate, I envy them.

I am definitely scared about letting go of Fluoxetine, no doubt about that; however, I have never gained any benefit from being scared or worried, it just makes things more difficult. So, how about I put aside fear and worry, and let things evolve?

Stay the course, stay the course. Your objective is: by 2024 get Swiss nationality, live in a new home, be a pilot, stay off meds, and keep working at the same company. It’s a big objective for the next 24 months, but feasible, and it gives me reason to be here in Switzerland, and justify the hard times when I say “what the hell am I doing here”.

I am going to better weigh the significance of positive events in my life. Instead of undermining them and taking them for granted, I will pause, observe them and rejoice for every single positive drop in the ocean. It will counterbalance the negative drops that my brain so easily fuels into my body.

Also, 20mg of psychotropes a day, how much can it really be impacting on my whole body? Last night I had dinner with a friend who is taking much more than that. And after 3 years he is still stuck with them, his psychiatrist doesn’t want him to get off meds. Mine does. So that’s in itself a victory. I am ready to let go. My body is. 20mg: goodbye. I will replace it with another 20mg of self induced good mood. Like in the good old days.

Wish me luck!

Time to cut off Fluoxetine

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One of the three objectives of my next two years is getting a private pilot license. The other two are: becoming a Swiss citizen and moving to the new house. But I forgot one major, major one: getting off Fluoxetine and stay away from medicaments for ever. This is a big deal, because I tried once before, and I slipped into another phase of depression. So I had to go back to my meds. It’s been over 2 years with Fluoxetine (the equivalent of Prozac) and this year, in spring, I want to do it again and this time, I want to succeed.

Last week I learnt that I need to pass a medical test to be allowed to fly for my pilot license exams. I told the doctor at the aviation club that I am taking antidepressants, and he said that this is a no-go by default. I need to be off medicaments for a number of months, and a follow up from my psychiatrist must ensue, before I can have the ok to fly. That has created a negative effect on me, as I almost found a good reason not to do the license. But then I thought that this can go to my advantage: I will eliminate Fluoxetine on 1st March and if all goes well I will be able to get the green light to fly by fall. This is my thinking.

It is easier for me to see the half glass empty, but I am working to see it half full. This is what my psychoanalyst is saying: train yourself to turn the negative thoughts to positive. Make a conscious effort, now that you are still using the medicine and feel strong, to actively turn the sad or negative into happy and positive. It’s all in the mind, and the mind can overtake decisions if we give it too much room to act. The other mind, the positive one, must take counteraction, and fight for the good of my whole being.

I would lie if I said that I am fine giving up Fluoxetine. I do know the good it did to me, and I am quite terrified to abandon this comfortable crutch. But man, it’s time to continue life, and to get back to normal; I want to rely on my own strength, my own self confidence.

What if I start feeling depressed again?

Well, what if I won’t?