Month: October 2020

A knot in my necklace

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There is a knot in my necklace. I have a very thin necklace, one I know I can use all the time and doesn’t bother me. My mother gave it to me, with my initial letter “L” hanging from it. A while ago, many years ago, I don’t know how, the silver links got tangled, and made a knot. I have had this knot for as long as I can remember wearing the necklace. I tried many times to untie it, even with a small needle holding one end of the necklace and pulling the other end with my finger nails. Nothing. No way.

I feel the same about W., the knot in my life. Not the reason of my depression, but a big thorn in my heart, that is still not healing, 4 years after I ended the relationship. Yes, I did end it, it’s a major regret I have. I should have played my cards better, I should have been way more diplomatic, smarter, more far-sighted. I needed time for myself, I should have asked for a short break. I hurt him a lot, and I believe he shut me off from his life for good so he didn’t have to suffer. He found a new woman almost right away (4, 5 months after?), and he may still be with her. Me: I left him after 14 years of being together, I was lost, I needed stability; we had decided to move back to Switzerland together, but I spent the first 3 months alone without him, without knowing anybody, in complete depressive mode, lost, hating my new job, hating Switzerland, hating life. That was the beginning of a long whirlwind down. Then, one month in, I met someone whose attention lifted me up, made me feel good from the sad state I was in, and I mistook that feeling for love. W. was still away, taking care of business in S.A.. Long story short, the guy fell in love and told me I should choose either him or W., and by the time W. came to Switzerland (3 months after me moving there), I was in “butterfly in the stomach” mode, and chose the wrong guy.

The two months bliss I felt with someone else, fresh emotions, new feelings, great sex, cost me 4 years of suffering; that time and the pleasure I felt made me lose perspective on my real love, the one who had shared his life with me for the past 14 years, who was coming live with me in Switzerland after we decided we could no longer live in S.A.. 14 years of traveling together, living in 8 different countries, adventuring, choosing where we would go next, changing life every 2-3 years at most…. the person with whom I had an effortless relationship, the man of my life, the person with whom I created my own dictionary made of acronyms, that only we could understand; the perfect match. Yes, I threw that away. And it was so easy. One email. A long long one. I didn’t even tell him in his face. I did the whole jackpot of mess. And I have been blaming myself for it ever since. 13 August 2016. worst day. in hindsight.

The knot in the necklace reminds me that in my heart it is not over. I have gone through a major depression, I overcame it all by myself, W. was not there to support me, I probably made both of us a great favour, I think he would have fallen out of love for me anyway, seeing me this low. I had to be alone, I have to be alone now, I feel I am gaining strength again but I am not there yet. Leaving the antidepressants makes it harder, but I am still feeling good most of the time. I don’t know how I would have handled depression with W. on my side. Although it was super hard to go through this alone, I think that I needed to be alone, and start loving me again first, and not be influenced by anybody in my own decisions; leaving him was wrong and right at the same time.

And yes, I am going through all this, I am getting stronger, I am feeling ok not having anybody in my life, but…. deep down I know that I plan to see W. again, discuss in person, get our angers off of our chests, our sadnesses, and one day be together again. This could be in 6 years time, in 10, or when we are retired, so we can start traveling again without the worry of earning money. I know this is tying me with W. still, and is not letting me go. I haven’t had one sign of life from him, his best friends have shut me off too, to protect him, and I feel abandoned. I don’t know if I will ever feel complete again, and if I ever get to forget about him. Move on. So for know I keep the knot. It’s a hard one.

I will concentrate on my physical and mental health, on my job and I will look forward to travels again, when Covid allows us. Then we’ll see.

La ricaduta

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ça y est – as they say in French. Monday 12 October 2020, after 9 months of finally feeling normal and serene, I had a relapse. I woke up in the morning and an overwhelming, irresistible, unavoidable feeling of depression pervaded my whole mind and body. I was petrified, scared and thought “oh no please, not this”. It isn’t over, and if I don’t take precautions, depression will resume. Why? Boh, I can’t quite capture why last Monday I started crying as if there is no tomorrow. I recognised that invasive feeling that pulls the plug off any motivation that you have in your body; I don’t know, although I can reflect on it, why I felt helpless on that Monday morning, and not the evening before.

Let’s see. The day before I was talking to my friend A., and he was giving me advice on how to negotiate my salary with my CEO; this is something that is tormenting me, as I don’t like to negotiate my salary and conditions, but at the same time I know I am being underpaid for what I bring to the company; so, there’s that point. Another thing that was going on in the last days was the amount of work adding up to my desk, important deals to make, the pressure of sales, and two big customers who are complaining about contracts and price lists; I felt all this weighing on my shoulders; another element is weather: going towards winter, the cold has already started, the days are getting shorter and I simply hate autumn, as it is the prelude to the darkest and coldest time of the year in Europe, it is rainy, it is basically the perfect prelude to depression. And I knew that: winter is no good time to stop antidepressants; that’s why I had decided to reduce Fluoxetin in June, and then cut off in August, which is still in summer. But I didn’t consider that it takes time for the body to adjust to the new life without drugs. Anyway, I did the best I could, all things considered.

One thing I noticed when I was taking the drug, is a sort of layer of pleasant detachment from peak emotions that Fluoxetin gave me; I felt as though the problems were far away, not touching me as they usually would; so I felt more in peace, more detached and neutral to the events in life; I guess that now that I am “me” without drugs, this layer is slowly fading and I am exposed to the real feel of those emotions, especially the ones that are negative, like stress, fear of rejection, jealousy, anxiety. I want to stay strong, and am taking action: I resumed meditation, I try to do half hour in the evening, and half hour in the morning; then I took up sport again, which is great, as it gives me physical strength and keeps my mind focused. Then I try to have more social life, which in Switzerland is not given… and then I strive to do one thing at a time, which for me is difficult, but I make an effort, so I don’t feel overwhelmed and I don’t panic.

That’s what it is! I panicked, too many negative thoughts were coming to me in the last days leading to Monday, and I lost it. One thought at a time is the deal. I’ll make the best out of this circumstance.

But man, was that scary. It was a clear reminder that depression is not to be underestimated; it isn’t over until it’s over, and I am no longer lowering the guard.

I miss W. tremendously.

More soon.

one month mark off antidepressant

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3 September 2020 was my last day of Fluoxetin. I started in December last year. 20mg in December, January, February, March, April, May, then 10mg in June, July August. I did 9 months of antidepressants, and I am now off. How am I doing? Well.

I must say I was more regular in my routines back during the Covid lockdown, from March until July. Then came the holidays, and I went to Italy for two weeks. Super relax, camped at the seaside where I grew up, so I didn’t feel the need to meditate in the morning. The whole day felt like a huge meditation, it was great, no work, no pressure, no stress. All I did was eat, sleep, be in company of my parents and swim. But I have been slacking, and two things have gone missing in my life since I have started this depression fight process: meditation and sport. This week I am in Ticino for work, and so I have resumed meditation in the morning, but also stress is back, due to those tight deadlines at work, to not feeling appreciated when the CEO writes careless emails hurting people’s motivation, to traveling again, to being in traffic (Ticino is absurd by the way), and from not releasing stress through a good cardio workout. But, all that said, I feel good in the core. One month and counting, I feel good and strong inside.

Anger is still accompanying me a lot, like I described in a past post, but I prefer to be angry than to be depressed. I get a life kick out of anger, whereas I get no stimulus whatsoever from depression. At least when I am angry I review over and over again in my head the way I will make this or that person pay for what he/she did to me or one of my family members. When I was depressed, not even one year ago, I could not move from my bed, I had to hire a cleaning lady to fold my clothes, which I was leaving chaotically all over the apartment; I did not see any reason why I should move one single muscle. Anger is different: I am not often angry, but since taking antidepressants I feel that with my self confidence has come my anger for certain unsolved things in my life.

My sister in law for example, L., I am very angry at her. My CEO, sometimes I am really angry at him: he pays me less than my colleagues, while I bring the best deals to the company. Typical Swiss white male mentality; a woman is not paid equally, parity of jobs and disparity of treatment; I was hoping he would propose me a raise, after two years of being there and closing mega deals, but he hasn’t. So I am reviewing over and over again in my head (and I write down in notes) the speech I am going to make him, the negotiation process I envision, and I am exercising my orator skills in order to get from him what I want, without him getting angry at what I am asking. The 101 principle of negotiation, at which I am getting better, but still not 100% perfect.

Also, I am still doing mental exercising to channel my OCDs, the little things that drive me insane, from small habits to bigger issues. I catch myself reenacting the same process, and I stop it there. I want to do a lot of things to improve myself, not for the others but for me. I am learning to say “no” to people, when I feel that a “yes” will hurt me one way or another, eventually. I am giving myself more credit that I have been in the past, I am not lowering my self esteem to the privilege of weak people around me; it’s their problem if they are weak, not mine.

Anyway, lots of different messages in this post, but I thought to write something, as it has been already one month since I last wrote, and that’s not good.

Gotta go buy warm clothes. Winter has come so rapidly.

I miss W..