I am happy these days. Things are going well. I moved to the new house. It’s gorgeous. I am playing water-polo, I am doing spinning at the gym, I am studying for my private pilot exams and I am getting ready to my first solo flight. Work is going well too. So, all in all, great times.

When I was spinning this morning, I was thinking about the pain that I feel while doing the physical effort, and how much this gives me motivation. My body feels great after a workout. Same thing with water-polo: there is not only the physical pain of suffering during the training, but also the coaching time; the authority of the coach, the discipline; the orders, in a way, comfort me. They make me feel kind of safe. It’s not easy to explain, but I find that an environment of school, like learning waterpolo, learning to fly in a classroom, it all brings me back to the comfort time I had back when I was little, when life was good and free of worries. And now that I think, sports was a big part of my youth. The pain and the discipline of those days, be it at school, at sports or at home (with my dad being quite authoritarian) make me feel good. These are elements I am familiar with, and I associate good times related to those years of my life.

Yes, studying was tough, doing competitive sport was hard, receiving instructions from the coach was tough sometimes, but it was what I was used to. And it makes me feel good today. I realise today that I have picked activities that give me a similar amount of pain and discipline as when I was 14, 18 or 20. This makes me think of what Alain de Botton said about love and marriage. In the article “why you will marry the wrong person” he says that “what we really seek is familiarity — which may well complicate any plans we might have had for happiness. We are looking to recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood”. You can check out the article here. In my case, I was looking for pain and discipline in very specific environments. By reproducing these, I have been able to re-create a space that feels familiar, in a good way. I am filling the baskets with lots of eggs that give me plenty of goodness.

So great to think back to only 2 years ago, when I was still depressed and on medication, and looking at today, with a good life and a stronger self. Pain and Discipline: be welcome. Love: I welcome you too, whenever you decide to knock at my door (’cause I ain’t doing Tinder!).

With hope.

Laura