Month: May 2021

Apero with a clinical psychologist

diariolottatoreLeave a comment

Yesterday I met with a lady who lives in the same city as me. A common friend recommended that I meet her as she can be a good guest for my podcast. So I did. She is a clinical psychologist. It was very nice to talk to her. She is very calm, very empathetic, she loves her job; we were not talking as doctor/patient, but as two friends. I really like her from a human point of view, and she likes me too. We could become good friends in the future.

Restaurant terraces just reopened in Switzerland, so we decided to meet at the bar on the city center square. It was very nice, despite the cold (14 degrees in mid May!). We had a drink and chatted about her life mostly, as I wanted to know what topics I am going to interview her about.

It was great to hear the perspective of a psychologist, to be on the other side for once. She doesn’t know that I have suffered from depression, and I was genuinely interested in knowing what she thinks about the “disease”. She pretty much confirmed what I already knew. But then she also said something I didn’t quite realise or know before: the end of one of her sentences was “people live with their depression”. I forget what came before these words, I can’t remember if she said that psychologists help people live with their depression, or that it is hard for people to live with their depression; the only thing that hit me, like a cold shower, was “living with your depression”. What? Doesn’t depression heal at one point? Well, yesterday I learnt that in some cases it doesn’t; that in some cases you live with it all your life. I also learnt that there are seasonal depressions (at the beginning of winter for example), and there are one-off depressions.

I knew that you can heal depression with psychological sessions, and it will go away, if it’s not more serious. In my case, in December 2019, I had come to a point where external help was not enough: friends, family, a behavioral therapist could not help me get out of it, so I was prescribed a medicament, Fluoxetin (Prozac for the Hollywood lovers). So I took it for 6 months, then reduced the dose by half, and after 9 months I quit; depression came back (smart me, I quit just before beginning of autumn…) and by December I had to start again, cause I was crying for no reason.

So now I wonder: will I have to take antidepressants forever? I certainly don’t want that. This is what this diary is about, to tell my story of how I defeat depression. And by defeat I mean get off drugs and be happy on my own again.

I am serene, happy, distanced from trouble right now. I feel good. I know it’s the medicine. But I am also doing lots of stuff right: a podcast, working well on my job, thinking of taking a pilot license, doing sports, meeting new friends, being social; in a nutshell, diversify my egg basket. This is a baggage of goodies that I will find at the end of my medicinal tunnel. I am building strength from inside, so that I am strong again when the serotonin and dopamine won’t be any longer injected chemically in me.

Side Effects of Fluoxetine (Prozac)

diariolottatore1 Comment

If I dig into my older diary pages, I will find my notes about side effects. I will check later. I thought this morning I would check again on the Internet, because I have two clear changes that I feel to attribute to taking Fluoxetine. I am sort of doing a self diagnosis, based on the fact that I have taken two long repetitions of Fluoxetin, and I notice the same pattern. Nothing major, but to be monitored.

The first time I took Fluoxetin was December 2019 until June 2020, the second time was December 2020 until now (April 2021). in 2019 I starting reducing from June to September, taking 10mg instead of 20mg, then I stopped in September and October, but by November I was feeling depressed again, and I started again December until now. I still take the same dosage, 20mg. In both cases I had no Fluoxetin in the gloomier months of the year for me: October-December, and I had to wait until end of Jan in order to start feeling better. I confirm that it takes 4 to 6 weeks for Fluoxetin (Prozac) to kick in. So, in both cases, I have the same pattern developing: 1. once my mood stabilises and I feel happier, I start dreaming very vividly; 2. I become more cocky, blunt, sometime verbally aggressive in my reactions. As if the social mask that inhibits our very being from expressing itself was taken off.

These are not amongst the common side effects of Fluoxetine. If I look at the NHS in the UK, the side effects that happen in more than 1 in 100 people are:

  • nausea, headaches, being unable to sleep, diarrhoea, feeling tired or weak.

    • I am far from that, I actually sleep like a baby. And I have these vivid dreams, they feel so real that I wake un in the morning remembering them as they really happened. Last night I dreamt something that has been recurring to me: I was missing the plane, and I felt this anxiety and breathlessness because I was stressed, I had to take that plane, and nobody around (my family) was helping me getting there in time. My father, who usually likes to get to airports 2 hours in advance, was telling me to not go until an hour from the flight time, but this was not going to help, as we were on the other side of London (why London I dont know…). I had this dreams in different sauces several times. It is not a happy dream, but it is not a depressive one either. It kind of gives me adrenaline.

    The other thing is feeling cocky. The only common point I can interpret from the NHS list of serious side effects (happens less than 1 in 100 people) is this

    1. headaches, trouble focusing, memory problems, not thinking clearly, weakness, seizures, or losing your balance – these can be signs of low sodium levels

    2. thoughts about harming yourself or ending your life

    3. fits, feelings of euphoria, excessive enthusiasm or excitement, or a feeling of restlessness that means you can’t sit or stand still

    4. vomiting blood or dark vomit, coughing up blood, blood in your pee, black or red poo – these can be signs of bleeding from the gut

    5. bleeding from the gums or bruises that appear without a reason or that get bigger

    NHS article on Fluoxetine

    I feel number 3 is close to what I feel. During the day, when working or doing my own personal projects, I feel I am regaining confidence, and strength, and I tend to cast away everything that threatens that confidence. I don’t feel inhibitors in telling people what I think, and I feel good in what I am doing. Work is going better, I started (yes, finally!) my podcast, it feels good.

    But I need to be careful not to exaggerate. I live in Switzerland, not in Italy, and the direct way of confronting people is not appreciated. I even thought of telling my CEO that he was wrong in doing what he did to one of my clients. But he is the boss, I have no right to tell him what I think, right? And he is not the kind of person who will easily accept a critic. So I need to be careful to not ruin my own happiness by saying too outloud, or being too enthusiastic (euphoric sometimes yes).

    All in all, I am doing well, I feel that the medicine is helping me. Unlike I read in another article, I don’t think it is like a placebo. But I need to prepare my own internal medicine, my own mental weapons to fight depression if it comes back after I am out of Fluoxetine. When will I stop Fluoxetine? I don’t know yet. I am scared of the gloomy depressive winter. I will check with my Congolese psychiatrist.