Month: November 2021

Latent Depression?

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Strange. Yesterday I wrote a page of this diary saying how much I had enjoyed the different sense of time in Oman, where everything flows so slowly compared to Europe; and I mentioned that I took the afternoon off, snoozing on the couch, doing nothing but watching TV and some favorite movies. I did that twice actually, on Saturday and Sunday. Today is Monday, back to working mode. The morning went well, that’s when I am most active. But: right after lunch, here comes the same lack of drive as yesterday. I lied down on the living room parquet to catch the shy heat of the winter sun, and have laid there for almost an hour. I am feeling, although not as severely, the same lack of drive as I had last year when I was depressed. And yet I am taking Fluoxetine, 20mg per day every single morning. Why do I feel like this then?

I am worried because I know that sense of helplessness, which comes from inside, a plug that is pulled out of my body and mind. I didn’t like feeling it today, while I was sunbathing to catch some vitamin D on the floor. I recognise this feeling, and I don’t like it one bit. It scares me. And I know that when I think of W., the love of my life whom I left 5 years ago, it means that I feel vulnerable and I wish he were there. Today I thought of him a lot.

Back to work now, but first I am going to write these words here, to make a point. A point of warning: I must be vigilant, depression isn’t over, sometimes I wonder if it will ever be. Are there people out there who were depressed, went on Fluoxetine, and got out of it? Doctors say that this molecule is not addictive (unlike Xanax), but is it really? Or are they just saying, so that we don’t worry?

Today for the first time in ages I felt the need to pull the plug, the inside black hole coming to surface again. I know it’s winter, November is the month I most hate, days are short, it’s cold and dark, it’s depressing by definition, but I am doing better than last year, and I am taking antidepressants, so where is the problem? It’s been two years now since I started taking this medicine. My intention is to reduce to 10mg in spring 2022, and stop early summer. See how it goes. Last year I stopped in September, just at the beginning of autumn. Not a clever decision. this year I am smarter. Come on L., get it together. You can do this.

A Different Sense Of Time

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Wow, already a month since my last post. I was on holiday in Oman, a beautiful place, full of different landscapes, and full of adventure, just like I love it.

In Oman I was happy, I did holidays the way I haven’t done in a long time. I went with a friend, so no emotional complications, good company, similar interests. We made a good choice to go there, just before the 5th (I think) Covid pandemic wave hit Europe and the rest of the world. We went without worrying too much about this and that. I did my PCR test on top of the vaccination, then a few papers and apps to fill, and off we go to Oman. 30 dry degrees in November was fantastic, and sunshine every day. Vitamin D a gogo.

Time passed in a different way there. I really enjoyed not having a schedule, not reading emails, not responding to SMS, just going with the flow. Wild camping is allowed everywhere in Oman: we drove on our 4×4 Toyota Land Cruiser, found a place to stop for the night, and pitched our tents. It could be the desert, the ocean beach the riverbed or the mountains, we did it all and nobody ever complained.

The day was rhythmed by the sunlight: 5h30am sunrise, 5h30pm sunset, darkness shortly before and after those times. During the 12 hours we had a our disposal we drove, we cooked, we ate, we swam, we hiked, we sightsaw, and we interacted with the local people. What struck me most was on Masirah Island, where our car got stuck in the deep sand, and local people started to help. They came and assisted, and when they realised that only another 4×4 would help us get out of the sand, they said we had to wait for the fishermen, who were all fishing until about 5pm. The fishermen are the people on the island who have 4 wheel drive vehicles. The great thing is, the locals who came to assist earlier that morning waited with us, for at least 2 hours. Time was not a matter for them: they didn’t have busy agendas with calls to make, they didn’t have traffic jam to drive through, their kids didn’t have hectic plannings.

They didn’t speak much English, so we used Google Translate to communicate. My friend had bought some data on a local simcard (Omantel). One of them, an older fellow, drove us to a neighboring parking area where some friends came to greet us and say hello. Nobody was angry, upset, or stressed; they all smiled. As to say “it is what it is”. How refreshing, how different from the hustle of the society I live in. Time had a different dimension there. And I enjoyed it fully.

Being away from my regular way of life has done good to me. I am happy I went, and my heart and soul feel lighter. I have charged my batteries and feel serene. Nothing compared to last year, when I went to Egypt, and I had to push myself to do whatsoever there; I was alone and I was depressed. This year I went for almost 2 weeks, with a friend, and we had good fun. I still feel the sunshine on my skin, the warm air caressing my hair, the smile of the villagers. Yesterday, first day since I am back, I did nothing all afternoon. I layed down and watched a lot of movies. From 12h30 until 22h30 I was on the couch. Feeling somehow guilty for not doing anything, as if wasting time, but then I decided to enjoy the nothingness. And I slept a lot.

Tomorrow I’ll work again.