Autumn 2023 – It has occurred to me that this is the time of the year that I must be careful. Too cocky sometimes, too self confident and I am speaking to colleagues in a too decisive (accusing) way. Then I feel bad and I start plunging into a bad state. Because one negative feeling looks for a second one, which feeds on a third one, and on another one, until my soul gets filled with negative sensations. The fascination for dissatisfaction increases, and with winter coming, this is too big of a risk. Little I know, I will be under the siege of depression again. I must take action, now.

Premonition ? no, experience from the past. Hence I need to do a self check, and remind myself how my life was when I was depressed.

Until I had psychotherapy sessions, I had an external reminder of the things I have to check: he would tell me about things to avoid, thoughts to avoid, actions to seek, etc. He was not the best psychologist (psychoanalyst actually), but he helped a great deal.

Almost a year ago I stopped going to the therapist, and I have put it in my todo list to seek another one, online, cheaper, who speaks my language or English, but I haven’t done it so far. I googled once, but did not pursue. I must resume my search.

At the beginning of September, after the holidays, I had a few days of blues; it was a weird feeling but a strong reminder that my head can go South anytime, if I am not careful. And by South I don’t mean a beautiful place on the beach, I mean “hell” south, bad feelings, sense of overwhelm, borderline depression. Winter is the cherry on the cake for this state: with the days becoming shorter and the darkness longer, with the cold jumping in, I tend to sadden, naturally. If on top of the natural state I have a knot in my heart, due to various reasons, then I am doomed.

But instead of waiting for my next therapist, I am going to bring a few elements in check. First I will pace my work duties, to not feel overwhelmed. Second, I won’t jeopardise my sport time (health) to make time for other things, third I will put order in my worries. Meaning, if I have worries, I will endeavor to think of them one after the other, and not all at once.

This last point seems to be the most important, now that I think of it. And I would add that I should endeavor to not transform a thought into a negative thought. My good friend A from LA sent me a video on whatsapp the other day, which I find very good (on Instagram she was tagged as Innerlifewith-asha, I will search for her). Anyways, in the video this old lady said:

When someone says something to us, we always have the impression that they’re talking about us, but everybody’s thoughts come from their own  inner state of consciousness. This world is neutral, we perceive as being supportive or aggressive, positive or negative, according to the inclination of our consciousness. When a person speaks to you, unkindly for example, and hurts your feelings, or praises you to the sky, you may have been the trigger for that person to express something, they may have the feeling that you caused it, but in fact all they are talking about is how they perceive the world.

This is so true, and this applies a lot to my own way of perceiving the world. I guess it is human. We reflect upon ourselves what others tell us, as if they were making a judgement of our own existence. On the other end tail of the reaction, I can imagine someone being hurt by what I say, especially when I am overly confident and get angry at other people’s inefficiency. Their world might seem lessened by my words, and this is not the reason why I tell them such things. Therefore I will endeavor to be more kind with my words, making the point but in a diplomatic way. This requires a lot of effort and conscious response from my end, but I will try. Because the consequence of the opposite behaviour makes me feel bad.

As for the rest: work, health, sport, I will write more later.