Probably this is the last post for this year. Dear diary, life has been better. I have been good. This year I have learnt to not judge me, to be gentle to myself, to give myself good rewards for to the small achievements during the day. I have stopped the psychiatric medications on 25 June 2022. It was a long process, because I did it very slowly, from February to June, taking less and less pills per week. Depression was officially diagnosed in 2019, and officially ended in 2022.

For once, the death of something is a happy moment! Happy I have been off medication since June, without any sense of depression whatsoever. So good! When I was deep in my sadness, I thought I would never see this day, I thought “how can I walk without my Fluoxetin crutches?”. And then it happens. You do it, it works, and you know it. But: it is not the end of a pain like when you take out an infectious tooth! The pain doesn’t go away from one day to another, and it does require your full effort. It’s a lifelong endeavor, and I am aware of it. If I weren’t, I would be in great danger today: danger of falling into depression again one day. No no no, I know better now, and I know me better. I know my limits, the moments where I can be weak, those moments where I need to work on my happiness.

Being depressed is like coming out of the Matrix: you realise what many people don’t know, you realise how life really is. It’s a blessing in a way, although a very painful blessing. But when you come out of depression, you don’t look at life the same way. I don’t. I don’t take the happy moments for granted anymore. Today I find myself smiling at things or events that in other years I would have dismissed as obvious, given, granted. Oh no, now everything is a great thing, and when I feel a bit blue for any reason (bad day at work, no sport in a while, no boyfriend, or no travel in sight) I shift my internal gaze to something that is working in my life at that very moment. And there are always good things in life, I just need to open my eyes.

A dead depression is not dead forever. Like a Zombie, it can come back to life. This is the tricky part that must keep us vigilant. This is why I will keep seeing a psychotherapist (maybe once every 4-5 weeks) and why I will keep writing this diary. It keeps me focused, it reminds me of how I was feeling 3 years ago, even 2 years ago, even one year ago… It’s been a long process, and I didn’t think it would take so long. I had a minor case of depression, one that required 20mg a day of antidepressant. But I have a friend (my ex boss actually) who is still on 100mg a day or more, and he can’t get over it. He is still in a bad shape, despite his intelligence, nice family and everything. So we must be careful. dead is not dead; like the herpes virus, a depression stays with us and will resurge when we are weak. It is dormant like a Volcano, we must be vigilant. I will.

I wish to all depressed people to heal very soon and to have a blessed Christmas and New Year!

More soon,

Laura