I hadn’t visited my psychologist in a while. I notice, after two years of this “psycho-routine”, that I go when I am down, and I don’t go when I am up. I mean, I don’t want to spend money or take extra time from my busy schedule when I am feeling good. But that is the point: unlike other organs in the body, I am learning that when the head aches inside, it is not such a matter of a day or a month to heal, and it won’t heal with tablets only, it will heal with work, loads of work that I must put into it. And I am learning that I need to be constant with the psychotherapy, and do it when I feel good and when I feel low.

It was actually good to see Dr. G. again. I don’t particularly like him, he is very Swiss in the “detached” kind of way. Plus he is a psychoanalist, and I don’t particularly fancy that practice, cause they often boil it down to the mom-related issues. There’s dads too. And loads of other elements that shape our identity. Plus, it is a loooooong therapy, it takes years, and looking at my budget, I feel I could use that money for more fun things, such as financing my podcast.

I realise though that this reasoning it to my own detriment. I am earning enough money to do both, and I live frugally anyway, so money should not be a problem. Away with this. So what’s the problem? Che ne so. Or, yes I know, I am learning to figure out, identify my problems. The source of them, how to catch myself getting into the wrong habit, and how to remedy that situation. It is such an invigorating process. I am doing it now that it is summer, the days are long and warm, sunshine has finally appeared at my doorstep, after many spring weeks of weird climate-change slash climate non change storm and snow in the month of May and June. Bring it on: Covid, weather unpredictability, solar eclipse, sunset sunshine, rainshowes and wind. I take it all, because I am happy at the moment, I am content, satisfied, proud of myself, on many fronts, and it’s all due to my own doing. I pet my own back and tell myself: brava L., you are achieving the potential in you, the famous or infamous potential everybody tells me about. Oh, you got so much potential, you are beautiful and smart, you can conquer the world… etc. Well, it gave me pure rage when I heard it during my low times, because I KNOW I am beautiful and smart, but somehow, this isn’t taking me anywhere… wasn’t. And I couldn’t see the path, I wanted everything and now, hic and nunc, and it doesn’t work that way. not for me. I have learnt that I need to be patient, and things will come in due time. I have to put effort on what I do, things don’t just fall from the sky, I make them fall in the right place, through my actions, my intelligent, my luck, my destiny, ma chaos, my fate, my doing, my education, my encounters, my new and old friends, my family, the good and the bad of everything.

We are yin and yang, I am coming to grips with my internal strength, I am learning to protect myself from others regards, I am learning, and it will probably take my whole life. But the beauty of life is the process, not the end.

Dr. G. was happy to hear my story, me learning, me doing exercise to not fall into traps, to learn to avoid OCDs, to go through them when I stumble into them, to prepare happiness when winter comes, when the days are shorter and gloomier, when I won’t feel like getting out of bed… I will be ready then. I will not allow myself to go lower than what I can handle. I will be ready. “Enjoy!” he said.

Enjoy this state of mind. Enjoy !