Counting the good stuff

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In one of my last posts I said I was looking forward to spring, with its longer days, sunnier and warmer days. I said I wanted to stay the course, and not veer off to unknown exciting beginnings with no strategy behind (like quit my job on the spot and travel around the world by myself). I’d like to leave my job for more exciting jobs, but I don’t know what would really excite me. And yet, only 12 months ago my job excited me. So, there is a bit of work to do, inside of me. In the meantime, do not panic, do not fear of missing out on life, do something that you can feel proud of, on a daily basis, and acknowledge the results.

So today I can say that I did my 2 beds: fresh clean bed sheets. I worked from home (where I work most of the time) and despite the fact that it was very very hard to be motivated to work, I managed to do the beds, and to print the checklist for my flight preparation. It seems like nothing, and I agree it is nothing at all, but sometimes I really feel like nothing is giving me motivation, and everything is a huge endeavor. I mentally scan my life situation and see that I am in this boring routine of working from home, seeing cloudy skies, meeting no new people, and not managing to get any project off the ground at work. After the scan is done (usually within seconds), my stomach feels a heavy sensation, like a burn, my head wants to escape, and I fall in a stupid sense of unaccomplishment.

I am not depressed, meaning I don’t cry every day and I don’t feel desperate, I do have some eggs in some baskets, but I do feel a similar inaptitude to complete actions as when I was depressed. The brain isn’t wired to give me the boost of energy to move all parts of my body. I get overwhelmed by the number of things I have to do, and I disregard all of them instead of taking one by one, and start working on things.

At the end of the week I am heading to Southern France to resume my flight lessons at last, see if I can unblock my situation, thanks to a new environment, another airspace, with a new instructor and in a sunny part of the world, Provence. The French there have a funny accent, they are funny and quite open to foreigners. David Guetta has a house there I saw it from the skies, it’s beautiful. Lots of rich people with amazing homes. I think of them and I wish I had the same means. Or that David Guetta could host me for the week. It would be great to stay at his place. He has a wife and kid. so cute. Anyways, I am diverting.

Flight is my objective for this summer: if I do this, I will feel that I have accomplished a huge task, and have overcome a huge obstacle. I have been stressed about flying in the past months. Not sure I can overcome it yet, but I am putting my mind to it. I am even getting psychological help to understand why I am blocking and how I can unblock.

Insomma, life is beautiful and sometimes I forget to look with the right lenses.

I am staying the course

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Wow, I haven’t written since January. This is not because I haven’t thought of depression, but probably because I have been in a state of non depression but not happy either. Super boring winter, very bad weather which by itself puts me in a bad mood. Work changes, and other things not changing fast enough at work. Feeling like I am missing out on opportunities, but at the same time I don’t want to rush things, such as finding another job, because you know what you are leaving but you don’t know what you are getting into.

I feel I need some guidance. I started seeing a psychologist, but after 5-6 sessions he was not the right fit for me. I need someone who can come up with conclusions, suggestions, actions to take. Give me good advice. It is not easy to find a good therapist. Plus I was looking online…even harder.

So, things have been OK, not super, not sad. I am glad I haven’t fallen into depression. I know spring is coming and the long days of sunshine await me. I want to think strategically about my future moves. I just turned 50, and I want to use the energy I still have to do great things. Not wait until retirement, when your energy level decreases and then you are too old to travel around and do adventurous stuff.

But it’s also difficult to find someone to travel with. I would love to find a new love of my life, for my second stage of life, someone who brings me surprise, fascination, discovery, peace of mind. Someone intelligent and achieved, who isn’t reinventing himself at 50, someone with financial stability, who isn’t worried about spending a weekend abroad due to budgetary restrictions. Someone with no strings attaached. Veeeery difficult to find.

But hey, I am healthy, I have a job, which is mostly ok, sometimes great, often angering, I have a sex friend who has upgraded to sex friend plus plus, but not boyfriend, I live in a beautiful safe country, people look at me and think I have come so far. The grass is always greener at the neighbor’s, but my grass is pretty green too. I need to remind myself to see the positive sides, and not succumb to the negative temptations. It’s easy to self pity, it’s harder to see the good in everything. Harder for me, at least.

I want this feeling of unachievement to leave my mind. And most of all I want to feel the motivation and the drive to keep going, do stuff, clean the bathroom, find a new job, interview new people for my podcast, call up customers for work, book the next flight for the holidays, be presentable to dinners, put some make up on, feel the sense in what I do, even when it feels so boringly routine.

Lack of direction

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My good friend Ardeshir told me he wants to make a move in his life, he is tired of wasting his talent and time. He wants to find a job, find meaning in life. I have a job and have made quite important steps in life since my depression phase. I am probably where he would like himself to be right now. And yet I do feel an emptiness, a lack of direction, which is fueling negative thoughts. I don’t feel confidence in my job at the moment, I have no product to sell, and no clear direction from the leadership. I could do so much, but the company is so undecided on what to do, and so big, that I feel overwhelmed.

Flying is another element of my life which is giving me stress. And yet, I have just re-read my last posts, where I was worried about not passing the theoretical exams, and here I am, I have passed the exams, all of them in fact (including air law!) and now I am worrying about something else. The practice. And I worry about work, and I feel lack of purpose. I have a sex friend with whom I have great sex, and yet I worry about being with him too often, because I am not in love and he is not the one. I might be wasting my time and giving him false hopes. And when will I meet the right person? Will my life be exciting again? Will there be a magic happening in my life, where I will feel excitement? etc etc etc. Just listing my thoughts, I am pissing myself off! So boring. Stop that already.

I have found a psychologist, did 4-5 sessions with him, but ended last week, because I don’t like his technique. He was listening without giving me advice, he was kind of making assumptions of how I feel, without making me feel better. For example, he would say “it is as if nothing makes you happy at this moment, not your job, not your sport activities, not your flying lessons”. Indeed, that’s it. So what now? How do I change this state?

Damn it, I don’t ever want to plunge into the dark place, ever again. Depression was sooooo bad, that I’d rather keep my job, and see how I can make it work. I’d rather go through the uncomfortable feeling that flying brings me right now, than be depressed one more day in my life. I cannot explain it, but the pain you feel when you are depressed is much grander than physical pain. But why am I feeling down again? Why is it hard to clean my room, to organise my next trip, to organise a mega party for my 50th, to simulate a flight around my sofa in the living room, to look for a different job, to make the dishes, when I don’t see the point of all that? How can I see the point and meaning of all this again?

I know I am not well when I start thinking about other people’s lives being better than mine, when I start thinking of leaving everything behind and start traveling, specifically travel on a sail boat. Then I try to picture my long term travel, and I see no happiness because I am jobless, moneyless, and I have no life partner. So I exclude this escape idea from my list, because it wouldn’t bring any long term satisfaction.

If I had 5 millions in my bank account, would I be happy? This is a 5-million-dollar question. Someone please make a wire transfer into my bank account and I’ll tell you.

Not easy, this life. Not easy when you have options. Not easy when you have had a comfortable life in the past. Not easy when you have lost the love of your life out of your own doing. But like the lady said in the Instagram article, the world is neutral, it is me who is giving it a specific color, a good or bad taste, a meaning. At the end of the month I will turn 50, and I should know better.

How to not self-boycott my mind

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It’s been a year without a therapist that can guide me through difficult moments, and remind me the good mental practices during the difficult moments. I am in the process of finding a therapist, one who speaks English and that I can afford. It’s a longer process than I thought. In the meantime, I do have the tools to detect red alerts when they are coming. And this is a red alert time for me.

My final attempt at passing Principes du Vol (branch 080) is coming up, 13 November, with pre-exams this morning. The self-boycott phase started weeks ago, and I must stop it. Since my last post, when I was already complaining about failing the exam and things going bad from now on, a few good things have happened, which I need to remind myself of. To counterbalance the bad thoughts that want to drag me down with them.

Good thing happened: I traveled to Asia for work, and I discovered two new cities in countries I had never been to. Since I love to travel, this is positive. Another great thing is that we managed to finalise the biggest deal at work, it had to happen before 31 October, and signatures have been digitally initiated yesterday. This is big, and I should not dismiss it as an easy accomplishment, cause it was not (it took almost a year).

See, my mind works in a way that one negative though feeds on another one to justify itself. It’s what my old therapist used to describe with “fascination for dissatisfaction”. My mind (like my mom’s) scans very fast through all the thoughts that could be negative in my mind, and binds them all up like grapes; this way the little negative thoughts become an army of negativity, which then justifies my miserable self. Ah…… great tactic! I should tell Macchiavelli about this one!

These days I am seeing a pattern going on that fuels this grape-like construction. My brain is finding a way to justify my failing at flying. If I fail 080 this fourth time, I have to repeat the whole theory, about 9 exams I already passed. There is no way I am going to do that. The thing is, I am not sure I’ll pass, I am studying a lot, a lot more than for other branches, but there are always questions in the multiple choice tests that I can’t answer correctly. This is a subject that I find difficult to digest. The whole aerodynamic laws, the lift and drag, the Bernoulli principle, air flux, Newton, Archimede. The whole lot. I am intelligent, but I am not a scientific mind, I am more into feeling and intuition, talking and speaking to a public, making podcasts and listen to people’s stories. When it gets to formulas, I go with intuition rather than with calculation.

So, here’s what I have been thinking these days: if I fail it will be bad for me, company is paying for the lessons, it is important for my job, if I fail I won’t be continuing the pilot licence, I will not become a pilot, if I fail at negotiating my salary with HR next week it will add to the failure of the PPL, plus I find the whole electrical subject difficult, and that’s my line of work, all of the eggs I put in this basket will fail all at once, and I will be miserable again, I have no partner, I can’t find true love, winter is here, days are dark and cold, less sunshine, what if my parents die this year or next, I will be weak for all this to endure. Etc etc. That’s my self-boycott process. Result: I get in a really bad mood, I wake up in the middle of the night, my heart burns. No advancement there.

So, I say it here, with the diary as my witness: I will endeavor to chase away all negative thoughts that want to grape up in me in the next weeks to come. I will be strong and will rely on my intelligent self to see the strong woman and not fuel the weak one that wants to come out (I mean, I have thoughts of being homeless again! can you imagine?). This is a difficult time of the year, where weather and season put a layer on top of the regular thoughts. But as that woman said in her video, the world is neutral. We tone it positive or negative with our own thoughts. So, stop being negative. I will pass the exam and will continue the PPL.

There’s no way I am going to fail my flight license.

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Yesterday I was very down, I failed for the third time the theoretical exam “Flight Principles”. The morning had started badly with a nasty call at work. Bad mood set right there at 9am. My exam was at 13h15. I didn’t feel it, despite I prepared. The thing is that I prepared based on the QPPL app questions. But the Office Fédéral de l’Aviation Civile puts other questions out. For the third time I made one mistake too much. You are supposed to pass 75%, which is 9 questions out of 12. I made 4 mistakes. Till the last moment I had the fourth question right. It was the section of a body that makes the resistance in an air flow, not the surface. I had clicked on “section” and then the doubt came. I switched to “surface”. For one wrong click I have the stress of having to pass my last chance, if I fail the fourth time, I have to redo the whole theory (13 exams). No chance I’ll do that.

The negative thoughts are so good at piling up. One negative thought is enough to fuel all others. In my head right now, I have this: a pile of negative thoughts, a scenario of a black future: no more ideal job, no more flight lessons, winter coming, no more sex friend…. Pile on pile on pile.

The good thoughts are being stacked elsewhere, where it doesn’t matter. I received the Swiss citizenship, I am flying to Japan and Korean this week, I will give two speeches at a Japanese conference, I am having a good time at water-polo, I have a new co-locataire for the house who is very nice, the weather in Geneva has been spectacular, sunny and warm to this day, my parents are alive, my nephew just turned 30 and my brother 56. I started interviewing candidate therapists to coach me in winter. Life is good.

And yet it could all go wrong. Hell no. I won’t allow it, for God’s sake.

Yesterday and today, I was feeling like shit, self-commiserating, poor me I can’t get an exam right, damn me, I can’t get an exam right, and work sucks, everyone is so inefficient, people unhappy about my pushing too much, yara yara yara. What the f**k. I stop it right there. I want to take this opportunity to stop and reflect on the reaction in my guts, on the irritating and revolting feeling I feel in the stomach, and how to revert this sense of pins and needles in my head, that come from being disappointed, angry, sad, frustrated all at once.

Meditation is still not my thing, too calm for my mind. But I can listen to some ted talks and put my mind at peace for a while. I found a podcast about therapy. I hope I find a good therapist who can accompany me during winter time. Winter is coming and I feel I am not prepared this time. Red flag, red alert.

Autumn 2023 – or Fall(ing) 2023?

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Autumn 2023 – It has occurred to me that this is the time of the year that I must be careful. Too cocky sometimes, too self confident and I am speaking to colleagues in a too decisive (accusing) way. Then I feel bad and I start plunging into a bad state. Because one negative feeling looks for a second one, which feeds on a third one, and on another one, until my soul gets filled with negative sensations. The fascination for dissatisfaction increases, and with winter coming, this is too big of a risk. Little I know, I will be under the siege of depression again. I must take action, now.

Premonition ? no, experience from the past. Hence I need to do a self check, and remind myself how my life was when I was depressed.

Until I had psychotherapy sessions, I had an external reminder of the things I have to check: he would tell me about things to avoid, thoughts to avoid, actions to seek, etc. He was not the best psychologist (psychoanalyst actually), but he helped a great deal.

Almost a year ago I stopped going to the therapist, and I have put it in my todo list to seek another one, online, cheaper, who speaks my language or English, but I haven’t done it so far. I googled once, but did not pursue. I must resume my search.

At the beginning of September, after the holidays, I had a few days of blues; it was a weird feeling but a strong reminder that my head can go South anytime, if I am not careful. And by South I don’t mean a beautiful place on the beach, I mean “hell” south, bad feelings, sense of overwhelm, borderline depression. Winter is the cherry on the cake for this state: with the days becoming shorter and the darkness longer, with the cold jumping in, I tend to sadden, naturally. If on top of the natural state I have a knot in my heart, due to various reasons, then I am doomed.

But instead of waiting for my next therapist, I am going to bring a few elements in check. First I will pace my work duties, to not feel overwhelmed. Second, I won’t jeopardise my sport time (health) to make time for other things, third I will put order in my worries. Meaning, if I have worries, I will endeavor to think of them one after the other, and not all at once.

This last point seems to be the most important, now that I think of it. And I would add that I should endeavor to not transform a thought into a negative thought. My good friend A from LA sent me a video on whatsapp the other day, which I find very good (on Instagram she was tagged as Innerlifewith-asha, I will search for her). Anyways, in the video this old lady said:

When someone says something to us, we always have the impression that they’re talking about us, but everybody’s thoughts come from their own  inner state of consciousness. This world is neutral, we perceive as being supportive or aggressive, positive or negative, according to the inclination of our consciousness. When a person speaks to you, unkindly for example, and hurts your feelings, or praises you to the sky, you may have been the trigger for that person to express something, they may have the feeling that you caused it, but in fact all they are talking about is how they perceive the world.

This is so true, and this applies a lot to my own way of perceiving the world. I guess it is human. We reflect upon ourselves what others tell us, as if they were making a judgement of our own existence. On the other end tail of the reaction, I can imagine someone being hurt by what I say, especially when I am overly confident and get angry at other people’s inefficiency. Their world might seem lessened by my words, and this is not the reason why I tell them such things. Therefore I will endeavor to be more kind with my words, making the point but in a diplomatic way. This requires a lot of effort and conscious response from my end, but I will try. Because the consequence of the opposite behaviour makes me feel bad.

As for the rest: work, health, sport, I will write more later.

Will got married

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The love of my life got married.

The descent to the “inferi” (see Dante Alighieri) for me started when I was still together with Will. Over the years I had eroded slowly but surely the confidence I had in me. Feeling invincible up to my studies, when I entered the job market the fight began. Fight to find a job, and fight to find what would make me happy, professionally. Love was always an important part of my life as a young woman; I never had just “fun” with boys, it was always a serious relationship. Starting with the first love, met him at the beach at 16, dated two years, then the German boyfriend at 20, met in Australia at my first big overseas trip during university; we were together for 7 years; then to Will at 28, stayed together 14 years, until I messed up. Today, 7 years later, I think that my professional life and the way I handled my relationships were the two main factors that brought me to depression.

Psychology sessions helped extrapolate the knots I had tangled myself in; it was not overnight; it took a couple of years. The first sessions I remember I was crying a lot, I could not stop, I was a mess and could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then it got better; I learned that I am attracted to dissatisfaction, meaning that I am looking for the things that go wrong in my life, and linger on them (like my mom); I also realised that I give (lose) myself too much in a relationship, not in the everyday life, but in the big choices. For example, the German boyfriend asked me to go to Germany and I did (the country was an awful experience for me) , the Canadian boyfriend asked me to leave Switzerland cause he didn’t like it, and I did. Back then, it was not a forced decision, I felt like I wanted to leave Switzerland, and trust me, it was amazing to travel around the world with the love of my life. But, in hindsight, I should have insisted to keep our status in Switzerland so we could go back one day, instead of leaving the safe life for good.

As a matter of fact, when I left Will, it was in Switzerland, where I wanted to go back to. Again, in hindsight, I should have handled this in a much more adult way, I should have not broken up with him for the younger guy, I should have asked for a short break, the time for me to understand what was going on in my life, and maybe we would be still together. Or not. Who knows. There are thousands of scenarios playing in my head, still to date, after 7 years. Leaving Will was the biggest regrettable action I have made in my entire life, but today I wonder if I would have been able to come out of depression with him on my side. If we stayed together, would I be happy today, like I am now? He would have fallen out of love probably, as nobody wants to be with someone crying all day, desperate about everything and broken in pieces. His love was not enough and I could not get back on my feet. I tried to shake the sadness in South Africa, but it had already pierced through my veins like a poison. I was sad in SA, and I brought my sadness to CH. I thought that by leaving the country I would leave my sorrows behind. Wrong! The sorrows follow you diligently. Faithfully. Irrevocably. You are the sorrow and the sorrow is you.

Despite my two-year therapy, and the effort to get rid of Will from my mind, I have always hoped, deep down, to find him again, one day, when we are older, and be together again, explain to him what happened and how; he would understand and we would travel again together around the world, as a retired couple. He would love me like he did before and I would love him back, and better this time. But in 7 years he never accepted to talk to me, he never replied to my 2-3 letters, and I just found out that he got married. Not with me of course, but with the lady he met 6 months after I broke up with him. Comme quoi…

The news shook me when I heard it in the moment; now I know for a fact that my hopes and thoughts of a future with him are futile, vain, useless and absurd. I want this news to accelerate the end of my love for him. Just as he placed me in a remote corner of his heart for good, I want to do the same, and allow myself to find a new big love of my remaining life. Good luck to me.

Zio Roberto is gone

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He is my only uncle. My mom’s brother. She has no other siblings; my father is a lonely child. Roberto had some health issues, and my mom went to visit him in early summer, sensing that it was the last time she would see him. My mom has always had this acute sense for medical diagnosis. She just knows what people suffer from and how to cure them. In Zio Roberto’s case, there was nothing else to do.

Zio Roberto died yesterday and I am on the train to Firenze, for tomorrow’s funerals. We have been in contact over the years, but he was not a close uncle. He had his life in Tuscany with his family (my cousin) and my mom had her life in Rome, with her family (me). They come from Sicily, which they left in their twenties.

Despite the timid relationship I had with my uncle, I am sad. I feel I am using his death to justify being sad, as if I were giving myself the permission to take a couple of days of sad-me, just like when I was depressed. It’s not quite the same (thank god), but I have been feeling down, feeling empathy for my cousin, who has lost 3 family members in 3 years (brother, mother and now father), just feeling sad and down, quoi. I didn’t feel like doing anything constructive yesterday, so I took the day off and went to see a friend and watch a movie at the cinema (Oppenheimer, 3h).

I am sorry for my uncle, I am looking back at happy moments with him and his family, and I feel sad because these days are over. I am kind of searching for excuses to be sad. I am truly sad, but I am not pulling my hair off my head out of despair. I am sad but I am ok. My cousin is really sad, and I feel for her, deeply. I do because I put myself in her shoes.

What makes me teerish is the thought of soon being at my cousin’s place. Soon my own parents will be gone, maybe one by one, maybe both together, who knows. The thought of losing them is unbearable and I wonder if I am preparing myself to that moment, by being sad today. Getting ready so that my baskets will still be full, despite the sadness. Cause the most important thing in my life is to not fall into depression again. Baskets full, self confident, sad yes but with perspective, detachment, cause I have to rely on myself and no one else. I have recently been missing being with someone, for exactly these reasons: I would like someone to hold my hand when I am feeling blue, I would like to write him notes of how I feel, and receive words of comfort. But I feel that missing this sensation is misleading, as I would end up relying on someone else for my own comforting and emotional relief. Sad then yes, but not for long, and keeping myself abreast.

Tomorrow will be a sad day. But I will be strong for my cousin.

The Privileged Club of the Depressed

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I was listening to a podcast from the guys at “And the rest is History” about the Freemasons, the international order that was very popular in the 1800s and was established for mutual help and fellowship. One of its characteristics, besides for being quite secretive, was the ceremonial habit. One of the rituals to become a member, so it appears, was a painful ritual, where you would have to endure something terrible, inflicted by your fellows; so terrible and painful that it would remind you that death is a serious business.

The depressed people go through something terrible too, and when I was driving home listening to the hour-long podcast, I thought that the depressed would make a great exclusive, privileged club of modern times. Privileged is a word I choose not out of lack of better words, but because I do think that being “touched” by depression in one’s life, gives us the privilege of seeing the world in a different way. When we get out of it eventually, the world and the others do not look or feel the same to us. At least this is my experience.

It took me three years to be depression-free, give or take. The path was excruciating, the worst feeling of my life, if I hadn’t loved life so much I would have taken concrete steps towards embracing death. It was that bad. The feeling of depression is one that goes way deep down your soul, your body, your heart, your brain, your guts. When you are in the middle of it, in your deepest, deepest moments, you think you will never get out. “How could I ever be happy again?” I thought, “How long do I still have to live and endure this?” I thought. I saw my life eternally turning in the void, eternally condemned to live like that, without hope and with lots of emotional pain. Like in the Gironi of Dante’s Hell.

But little by little, with looots and looots of effort,and over a loooong period of time, the daily improvements, the daily routines, the psychological support from my therapist, plus sport, work, family, etc, set me free from depression, and today I see pink color, pastel blue, turquoise, marine green, ocean blu, rosa antico, pastures of endless fields, oceans of blue marine that make me happy. I am happy, and satisfied. And I see the world in a different way. Like in the Matrix, I am on the other side, a side that only a few know, a few privileged who have been depressed once, and are now free from depression enjoying every bit of life, every heartbeat, every breath, as it was the last. Because we were that close to our last breath, we were so close to death, dancing with it every day for days weeks years.

This is me today. I am happy, I am free, I am me.

The duration of happiness

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I have been meaning to write for quite some time. I even took notes to not forget what I want to say.

The main thought I have been having is this: I need to find a new psychotherapist. I have set this as a goal for early 2023, because I find that I must not lower the guard while I am feeling good and happy and positive.

Second thought is: how long does happiness last, and why do I fear that happiness is doomed to last less long than sadness. It is all in the head, and the heart, so we decide how long we want it to last. Having been depressed in my recent years, even if at various degrees (mainly mild, then hard for 2 full years), I am wary of betting on the longevity of happiness.

Another thought in the last weeks has been this: I have caught myself being aggressive and overreacting when things are done to me wrongly, or let’s say when I feel someone is doing something wrong to me. If I want to imagine this visually, I feel skyscrapers of happiness and skyscrapers of anger and sadness. Plus, this sadness takes me away from the outside world: when I am angry, I don’t want to see anyone, I close myself in my room and watch a movie to calm down. I recognise some patterns of when I was depressed. Red alarm, red alarm! Hence, the thought number one: I must find a psychotherapist asap.

With the psychotherapist I used to externalise my own thoughts to another human being, who would listen, digest, and throw back some thoughts, comments, notes at me that would help me carry on and fight the depression. Without this confrontation of thoughts, I am missing an important pedagogical aspect of my fight against depression. I feel as if depression had left me a goodbye “gift”, a poisonous one at that: anger and verbal aggression against anyone or anything that threatens my so long fought after well being.

It has happened that I have burst in tears in the past 8 weeks – I don’t know, maybe 3-4 times, it was tears of rage, when I have been feeling attacked when someone expresses their opinion. It is sooo annoying that this is my immediate, unfiltered reaction. Last episode was this very week: I have worked at an aviation expo that was very good but also very tiring (4 hours sleep per night), with big emotions (excitement of deals to come, negotiations well handled, a keynote speech given to a professional male-only audience); then comes this company townhall about reorganisation, and it is announced that my boss will change job, but I am not in his organisational chart yet. I got so furious, I started crying while listening to the Teams meeting, and I felt injustice, no appreciation of my work, and even greater injustice for the salary level I have been enduring for the past 4 years, while waiting for my company to adapt my salary. Year after year, I have been doing really well, I have been enjoying my work a lot, I am exploring this new amazing industry, I am showing unprecedented results, but I am not paid as much as my male colleagues, and this drives me insane. Not only because of the injustice in itself, but because I feel I haven’t played all my cards well, so I blame myself even more, in this story.

Cutting a long story short, I find myself extremely vulnerable to jumps of moods, I feel I need to find a psychotherapist right now, possibly in English and online, and I need to find a way to spread happiness throughout a long period of time. When I am happy I am thinking: why and how long still will I be happy for, as if the default version of my life should be worry, sadness and stress. invece no! Also, I must be careful about my state of happiness. Now it’s easy cause all baskets are full. What will happen when/if some are emptied by life?

PS: Alain de Botton gave a speech on depression and the difference with sadness. I find it enlightening.

Scrap notes

its not all about me, its not that if someone gives me a weird look, its because i did something wrong. its probably them who are not certain about something. same thing with me.

I havent felt like doing sport the whole week. thats an alarm sign for me. plus I am about to get my period. that must be it. i am in a bad mood, last 24h its been like that