Month: December 2019

Day 4 – The Effect of Fluoxetin

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For two days on week 1 of taking antidepressants I have had a sense of normalcy, it felt really good, as if I had always been well. Not really joy, but serenity, no anxiety for things not done, no fear of the future, no sense of jealousy for anybody else who is successful around my world, and so on.

I was hoping that this sensation would continue, but now I am on week 2 and I have not sensed this serenity again. That’s really too bad; my friend, who took antidepressants in the past, said it takes 2-3 weeks to get used to the medicine, and for it to have effect. The psychiatrist (the Congolese happy fellow) told me that for half of the patients this medicine does not have any effect, and that possibly it’s just placebo effect.

Placebo effect: what an invention. If I look at the definition it says “a beneficial effect produced by a placebo drug or treatment, which cannot be attributed to the properties of the placebo itself, and must therefore be due to the patient’s belief in that treatment.” So placebo is something that feels real, but isn’t. The mind can have such a healing effect on us. This is great news, and I knew that before, so much so that I always refused (until 2 weeks ago) to take medicines to treat problems related to the mind. I say: if it’s in the mind, I can control it. Well, I still believe that, but I also think that some chemical inbalance must have occurred in my brain; due to the many months (and years) of filling my mind with negative thoughts, sense of frustration, incapability of figuring out my professional life, and blocking myself on many fronts, my mind must have developed a different chemical reaction, and the nice hormones that make you feel happy and serene are no longer generated by themselves. This is what was explained to me. There’s a very smart guy who talks about these hormones; sometimes I listen to him on YouTube, cause he is fascinating. Here’s one video: (Simon Sinek) How Do the Chemicals Affect Work Life Balance?.

So, going back to my point, if I can get help through medicines and release again these hormones in my brain, then I can train my mind to think positive, and to take the necessary steps to be happy again. At this point I don’t care if the medicine is a placebo or not, as long as it works. This is war against depression, and I intend to win.

Day 3 – The relaxation videos

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I knew this day would come. These past couple of days of feeling normal did not ratify the end of my problem. It would have been great to just make all my sadness disappear like that, after one week of pills. One true thing: the medicine only helps to make you feel more “upbeat”, but it won’t solve the deeply rooted problem. you won’t cry, but your issues won’t disappear. For this I need to do a tremendous work on myself, with the help of a psychologist (whom I see this week for the first time).

I haven’t slept much last night. Overwhelming thoughts were stressing me and waking me up every 2 hours. I blame partially Fluoxetin . Even Michael Sealey whom I listen to from time to time on YouTube, when I feel very upset, has only partially relieved my internal turmoil. Another thing I never thought I would do: listen to meditation audios on YouTube. But I am in survival mode, and whatever helps, I take. Michael Sealey was suggested to me by the YouTube app, and I truly appreciate the hard work he has put into making very compelling audios to help (now) 1 million subscribers sleep better, relax, tone down their stress. His voice is very calming, I see why he has reached one million followers. I hope to keep his constancy when I finally do my podcast. If you want to check him out, this is what I listened to last night: hypnosis to let go of negative attachments. Take note: breathing is key.

So, yesterday I spent the afternoon and evening watching two movies and a documentary about Lady Diana; despite the interesting docu about Lady Di, I feel I have wasted precious time in front of a charming box that emits noise and colored images. I could have hiked, swom, visited another country, learnt how to do pottery, climb, work on my podcast…. Anything I don’t experience myself gives me a big clog in my stomach, cause I am missing out on opportunities in the world. This inactivity didn’t make me sleep at night.

That’s the thing : with depression everything seems so unachievable to me, that doing nothing becomes the easiest thing. I am not happy about doing nothing, not at all, but the thought of taking step 1, 2, 3 etc of a project I have in mind (be it washing the dishes, climbing a mountain or making a podcast) becomes very stressful.

And this morning I feel anxious, and a bit desperate, although the medicines are preventing me from crying, for which I am grateful. But the stomach hurts. I wonder if working today is a good idea.

And yet I have handled stressful tasks in the past, through my previous jobs. But that’s another story.

Will aim for a better day tomorrow. Life is beautiful. I just lost the glasses.

Fluoxetin

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This is what is looks like, Fluoxetin:

Very unsexy name, I got it prescribed last week for the first time. My mood was too low and I couldn’t see any joy in anything I was doing. I have fought so many times to avoid getting to this stage, and here I am, taking antidepressants. Another unsexy word – antidepressants. We could have come up with a more compassionate word, one that includes the hope of healing. In Africa they use so many refreshing words (like Ubuntu – brotherhood, sounds so nice), we could have gone to an African tribe and asked “what healing name would you give to an epidemic disease that’s spreading in the first world?”. They would probably look at us in disbelief. Depression: what’s that? We haven’t got that far up into Maslow’s pyramid!

True, ‘cause depression is a disease of people like you and me whose basic needs have been already fulfilled. We are not fighting to drink, eat or find shelter. All of that is already taken care of. We are among the few lucky in this world. I have time to think of how to fulfill myself in this lifetime; I have money to take a holiday, buy furniture and new clothes; I never felt really hungry in my life; my grandmother used to describe to me what hunger was, during World War One and Two – I could try to imagine, but that was it.

I got sidetracked, but there is a reason for it: the very first psychiatrist I ever visited, who gave me the Fluoxetin you see in the picture, is a Congolese doctor. Man, he must be thinking “what a first world problem to have” …. I am not sure I trust him yet (I don’t trust doctors in general) but his jolly, bubbly, slightly over-weighted self is comforting.

It takes two to three weeks for the medicament to have an effect; I am down to week 1. First two days I cried, was anxious and panicking, I wanted to scream at the doctor that he should have warned me. Be warned: the first effect of an antidepressant can make you more depressed. Great! Had I known, I could have been prepared. Next few days have been better. I took three days off work, which helped.

It’s been now one week, and since a couple of days my afternoons are feeling normal, serene, like I haven’t been feeling in a long time. Since July 2019 (five months ago) I have been falling into a sad sad mood, not one day of joy and nothing to look forward to. So, this white and green pill I am taking is making me feel better, and hallelujah for modern medicine! Bring it on, inject chemicals in me that have been missing: serotonin, dopamine, endorphins, whatever works. It feels good.

Side effects: stomach burns (you need to eat well before taking it), one or two morning spasms when waking up (you know the feeling of when you wake up before you fall?), not a big deal, I guess, and anxiety in the morning – which diminished the last 2-3 days because I took 3 days off work.

A good friend (who has been through this) told me I should take time for myself, get a sick leave, and spend one or two weeks resting. I took 3 days only (I feel too responsible towards the company). Tomorrow I have to go to Lugano for work. I will be testing my moods, it should be ok. I have to work to earn money, but I may have to tell my Director to slow down on my tasks. Maybe work 80% (In Switzerland this is possible).

Another good day. I posted this note. Tomorrow is work day, we’ll see how anxiety goes. Thank you for reading. Eventually.

Podcast progress: maybe some today, after this post is up.