Month: May 2020

Recipe for Happiness

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Happiness to me is the conditio sine qua non in life. It’s not very clear what happiness is, and how we measure it. I have been trying during my life to understand what makes me happy and what makes me sad, and I have associated often a place to a happy moment, or maybe a happy moment to a place.

I often wondered if my gauge for happiness was the same as in other people, or to all people. The same goes for pain. Let me explain. When I have had moments of full bliss, happiness, plenitude, abundance, or whatever we want to label it, it felt amazing, and nothing more could make me feel better – I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. If I think of such moment in the past, my memory brings me back to when I was in New Zealand with W. (the love of my life, haven’t talked much about him yet); it was July 1 2005, and I labeled that day as the best day of my life. I have had other best days before and after, but this one in particular stands out. We had ventured into a farmland the day before, we had parked our rental Britz van near a sheep farm, had made a lovely breakfast in the morning, with lots of things from a local store called …. Mmm can’t remember (Hackleberry’s maybe?); we did our first sheep shearing of our lives, took some lanolin straight from the sheep’s cut wool, and ventured off into this wild NZ land full of magnificent colours, rivers, etc. When I told W. that it was my best day, we were staring together at the vast spaces of New Zealand and we were closely wrapping in each other’s arms amazed with the beauty of that land. That was a happy moment that I will always remember. A moment that lasted many days actually, and months, and years, as W. and I were traveling around the world.

Now, when I think of the happiness of another person, I wonder if he or she would feel the same level of happiness, and if so, in which conditions. I mean, was my feeling of happiness on July 1st the highest a person can feel? Does a woman somewhere else in this planet, at this moment, feel the same level of happiness doing what she does love most? Could I be more “happy”? If so, how? The point is actually not whether I can be happier, but how I measure my happiness compared to others, and if my state of bliss staring at the sheep farm is the same bliss another person, with another character and history, feels when driving his/her favourite car. Is it the same happiness a grandmother feels when she spends one day with her nephew? Is it the same bliss Elon Musk feels when he sees his first shuttle take off? Or Armstrong and Aldrin when their foot first touched the moon? So, is happiness relative or absolute? Do I need my neighbor’s Ferrari to feel the same amount of happiness he feels when riding it? And is my joy higher than his, when I am hiking a mountain, or I am kitesurfing in a turquoise waters? Do I need to envy other people’s happiness? Cause that’s the feeling I get when I watch TV.

Same for pain : was my surgical pain last year the highest a man or woman can endure ?

I am still looking for a way to gauge happiness levels. Because if it were measurable, we could possibly help each other being happier. No? It’s a difficult task. I am open to suggestions.

Back to happiness, why am I saying this today? Because I am preparing for the month of June, when I am going to reduce the intake of Fluoxetin (Prozac). I have a meeting with my psychiatrist (the jolly Congolese guy) on 4 June and I will ask him if he is ok with me reducing the antidepressant. I want to do it during summertime, when it’s nice out, the days are long and sunny, the air is warm and everything is alive. I don’t want to do it in autumn, which per se is depressant to me. I know, many people love autumn, I don’t like it, despite the beautiful colours (Quebec has some of the best landscapes in the fall, check it out, I have been there, wow). It’s been 6 months since I started taking antidepressants, and I feel good, very good. I think I can start move away from them. I am scared, I admit, because I can’t tell how much my good state of mind is due to medicine at this very moment, and how much is due to my self-training (meditation, routine, enjoying work, doing sport, yoga, buying new plants…).

So I want to pack in as much as info as possible on myself, and in what conditions, when and how much I am happy. During my preparation to less Fluoxetin, I am appreciating some down moments, like the little “fight” I had with my friend M., which brought me back to negative moments. It was good to be reminded what bad moments feel like. I managed to revert those bad feelings into positive, by thinking of something I like, by not letting her bad mood affect me, and by being more “egoistic” towards my own feelings (translation: I value my own state of being more that hers, what’s important right now is that I feel good). I stay away from negativity. It helps.

Routine

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May 15, four nights ago, was my first business night out since the COvid 19 lockdown started. My first day in lockdown was Monday 16 March 2020. Exactly 60 days of isolation.

It feels good to be in a hotel again, having dinner at the restaurant downstairs, taking a shower in a new bathroom, with great showerhead by the way! The bed was super comfy… And yes, there’s a “but”.

During my 8-week lockdown in Switzerland, I have been able to work on myself in ways I haven’t done before. The forced isolation, having no one around to influence me (positively or negatively), being faced to myself and myself only, allowed me to build my day the way I felt was good for me. I adjusted my sleeping patterns, rhythming my day and night according to my own internal body clock; I have developed and enjoyed routines, things I do every day almost exactly the same time in the same way. Want to know?

Between 5 and 6 am I wake up. I go out to the balcony and have a walk around, looking for the position of the big dipper which shows me what time it is; then I go back to bed and I meditate for 30 minutes sitting upright on the mattress (the breathing mantra, remember? I am exploring Bahya Kumbhaka right now). After meditation I prepare breakfast, it takes me about 30 minutes because it is my favorite meal of the day. I enjoy the process, and watching the news to stay up to date on Coronavirus and other world news. Then day starts. Mid way I take 15 minute break and do exercise for the eyes (the laptop screen is killing me!). And I also take time to cook, that is a new routine I have been enjoying. A Whatsapp chat with my parents back in Rome, some yoga at 7pm with my friends in Italy; oh yes, 15 minute planck at 8h10am with M., my best friend, via Zoom :-). That is the COvid routine. I enjoy it so much that I want to keep doing it after lockdown is over.

My neighbor friend who has a baby daughter of 2 years of age, read that a baby needs routine to grow happy and serene. During COvid she has been a much happier baby for instance, since mom and dad were at home, and they have developed a daily routine with her (from eating to walking to doing some chores, etc). I asked my friend to give me some literature about this link between happy child and routine. So I searched “baby routine brings happy adult” and I found a website which has an article that describes how happiness is mostly a habit. “We all know that some of us tend to be more upbeat than others. Part of this is inborn, just the fate of our genes that give us a happier mood. But much of our mood is habit” (see the related article: Teaching Your Child the Art of Happiness). Wow, I had not thought about this. And it’s so true.

Long story short: before I left for Interlaken on Thursday, I had decided I would continue the routine, even outside of my COvid nest, so I brought things with me that would help me with that, including my eye drops, cream for the body, the cerchietto (hairband) which I use when I start working at the laptop (cause my hair gets in my eyes), the omega oils I take at breakfast, the Freitag headset to listen to the youtube mantra, etc. I have to tweak a few things, but we can be flexible, right? For example, at this hotel breakfast is only at 8h30 – due to Coronavirus – My breakfast at home is around 5h30-6h00, so it’s almost 3 hours of difference, but it’s ok, I can do other things in between. Back home now, and I have missed it, I must say. It was great to be out and about, and I am glad it’s over.

I like my routine, I will keep doing it, even after lockdown. It will take more effort, but the good it does to me is unmeasurable and priceless.

Between Mother Theresa and Claire Underwood

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Ego: the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.

https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&q=what+is+the+meaning+of+ego

I find fascinating this process I have put myself in: observing myself every day, for 30 minutes, through sheer breathing patterns. Myself is a broad word, and there’s more to us than just what we see, feel or perceive. It’s all of the above and more. We are probably the most fascinating species on this planet, at least to us, humans. We fascinate ourselves, that’s for sure. And we want to study each other, trying to be as objective as possible. Not easy, because we are at the same time the subject and the object of our study. Take a psychoanalyst for example, he or she must study the mind, the ego, the consciousness of somebody who looks, breathes, acts, reacts almost exactly like him or her. The mind has always fascinated me, like I am sure many of you. even more now, that I find myself having to deal with my thoughts in ways I haven’t done my whole life. And I am doing it because of a very clear goal: fight depression. I don’t like to call it a war against an evil being, because all is in me, and evil and good are both parts of our existence, but at the stage that I have come to be, only 5 months ago, I assure you it became a war, a war of survival, defeating this invisible virus (and I am not talking about COvid 19), this insidious pod that grows in you without you noticing until it’s late. But not too late.

Why the title to my today’s post? As I am learning about myself, my ego and my hard to detect feelings, as I try to listen to my guts (Agata is her name :-), thank you Casa de Papel) and observe as the thoughts come through my mind, making sure I don’t hang on to them but let go as they come, like when watching a movie, frame by frame, observing and letting go, well, when I do all of that, I focus during the day of not letting external events affect myself, including my ego. Ego is a big thing, and can make us miserable as well as invincible. In me there’s Mother Theresa, the sweet selfless person who dedicates her life to others, who tries to understand everyone and justifies everything by putting herself aside, and then there’s Claire Underwood (have you ever watched House of Cards?), the lady at the opposite end of the scale of good and evil, the one who will do anything to survive and prevail over others, whose moral values are as relevant as the brightest star at daylight. My personal pendulum leans naturally towards Mother Theresa, but let me tell you that my attempt to understand others and put myself behind others’ needs, just because I could do it, has not paid benefits over the years. And I am now trying to objectively observe and modify my own behaviour towards being more Claire than Theresa. Don’t worry, I won’t kill anyone :-), but I will make my own needs more a priority, I will not justify every time why I do this or I say that. I will think more of me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a completely selfless person, I am a human being with all the characteristics of a human, I have my temper, I have my faults, and I am wrong many times, but time has come that I give the right weight to my own traits, my thinking, my opinion, my gut feelings, my instincts. Basta with listening to others because it’s easier, because I am able to listen and to let the other vent out…what about my venting out? what about my personal well being?

About the ego: I often mention it as a negative thing, like when the ego makes us more arrogant, or vulnerable, or aggressive. I want to learn more about my ego. I think ego is a way for me to find a balance between what I tell myself and what I don’t but, yet, I do think subconsciously. I’ll explore my dreams some more.

All this post has arisen because a dear friend made me angry on Sunday (two days ago). I felt that she didn’t think of my own needs and reasons. She was angry because I decided to do sports with someone else, and didn’t invite her. What about all the other gestures I showed her on that same day, Sunday? thinking about a way to get to see her right after sport, knowing she is very busy these days and doesn’t allow time for sport? What about my own feelings being hurt, and my own ego feeling sore? I stopped talking to her. I know, I am in my forties not twenties, oh well …. This friendship is dear to me and it is the first time in 2-3 months that I have felt down, angry and upset, the blissful state I have been in, joyful, happy, serene, motivated, etc, has gone on Sunday and I felt vulnerable again. Because of her. So I decided to stand my ground, and I won’t let go until she apologises. Is it right? not sure. What does the ego say? I can’t hear it right now.

More soon.

Take action before it’s late

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Dr. G., my psychologist, said one thing that struck me, and that I will forever remember. He said it in such a natural and unassuming way that it resonated clearly in me. He said “you have a certain fascination for dissatisfaction”. And I realised, it’s true. Why? Because when I was at the beginning of the practice, I used to tell him my story, stories, thoughts, fears, anxieties, long story short, I was a mess and he was my punching ball. The thoughts I was sharing with him were initially, say, 99% negative, sad, hopeless; as the medicine was starting to have effect, I started to relax more, the problems in my mind were taking more distance from me, and I tried to see more positive; he was telling me that I had to shift the way I see my reality, and make it work for me. Not easy, as I initially interpreted this recommendation as a way to say “be contented with what you got, that’s all there is, resign yourself to the reality”. Which, in other terms, meant for me “you are a failure, pal, you have messed up, lost the love of your life, never got to finish one thing, are back in a country where you feel trapped, just accept it and find happiness in what you can get”. That’s what I was thinking, and that feeling of dissatisfaction and forced resignation fueled my depressive state. I had such a clog in my stomach every time I was thinking what I was missing in the world, while others were living the life of their dreams, why not me, and yet I am a smart person. Etcetera, etcetera.

Oh, if I recall these thoughts my mood becomes more grey. So I won’t linger too much today, and I will say why I am mentioning this now, months after it happened. First because I want to remember how bad depression felt, and remember to always compare those moments with my moments today; that sadness with today’s serenity, and I’d dare to say, even happiness. I am happy with myself right now. It has only taken me a few months to feel this way. And that’s the other reason why I am mentioning my sad memories. It took me 4 months more or less to feel good again, like I have not felt in years. This is, and I am sure of it, thanks to the medical help I received. I was too low to get back up on my own. BUT! It doesn’t have to be this way. and I am here to warn whoever is reading these notes, whether it is today, 9 May 2020, or in 5 years, or in 20 years. If I had listened to the signs sooner, I would have been able to heal on my own. There is no need for medical chemicals, and I am pretty sure of it. My mother had warned me several times prior to my deepest depression in November. She told me years before, that I should go see someone. Initially she meant a psychologist, and when things got really bad, she advised I go to a psychiatrist. She meant good for me, but I always thought that the mind is something we can control, unlike a broken arm, a heart attack or a kidney infection. We go to the doctor whenever one of our organs hurts; we visit clinics and hospitals way too much even, but whenever the head is concerned, it becomes a taboo, at least in my culture and family environment. So I always felt that going to see a “shrink” meant a defeat, cause I wasn’t able to take care of my own thoughts. Today, 5 months after my biggest (and last!) depression phase, I am glad I listened to my mother – and I know she is glad too.

Each of us goes through his or her own life the way we deem right. We all want to be happy, right? We all want to feel those great sensations that we associate to words such as satisfaction, victory, love, happiness, serenity; I don’t feel good when I hurt somebody, or am hurt, or when I see people murdered on TV, or when a client doesn’t close my deal. There’s some strong feelings in our stomach, in our guts (and I know that Agata has a brain – who the heck is Agata ?). Well, I haven’t listened enough, and am only starting now, because I am in survival mode and will do anything to beat the beast, which is my depression. But it doesn’t have to wait until this late, so if you are reading this and feel depressed, but think you can make it on your own, start taking measures. I took up meditation . It’s soooo good. Can’t believe I didn’t do it until my forties. For you it might be something else. Take action before it’s late. Trust yourself.

Speak soon.

Perfection and Depression

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While meditating yesterday morning, the strive for perfection came to mind. In November 2019, at the peak of my existential crisis, I went to see a behavioural psychologist, recommended by a friend who had seen a friend being consulted successfully by this woman. And during one of the 4 sessions I did, she told me about perfectionism. I had never thought of it as of a “condition”. I just googled it and the first site that comes up is Good Therapy (never heard of that before), where perfectionism is considered a positive trait in one’s personality, but it can cause destructiveness because we never think we are doing well enough. Wikipedia writes: “Perfectionism, in psychology, is a personality trait characterized by a person’s striving for flawlessness and setting high performance standards, accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations. […] In its maladaptive form, perfectionism drives people to attempt to achieve unattainable ideals or unrealistic goals, often leading to depression and low self-esteem.” Then the Google search was suggesting searching for the word “procrastination”, that other people have also searched when looking up “perfectionism”.

Wow, I never thought of looking online for a definition of perfectionism. All of the above is spot on me. And so I was thinking, while meditating, that striving for perfection has been a constant motive for my growing depression over the years. Too bad I didn’t consult a specialist back 10 years ago, or 15. I could have maybe spared myself lots of grieving in the past 4 years. Or was the grieving a necessary step? This I will never know. It all happened and I am dealing with it now. No chance to go back in the past, that is for sure, it’s the only certainty we have, beside for the certainty that one day we will die. So between the day we are born and the day we die, a lot of things happen, and we deal with them, one way or another. Life is beautiful, exciting, dramatic, sentimental, rational, evil, compassionate, selfish and selfless. All is in me, and I feel it now, as I am trying hard to not put labels of morality judgment to what I have experienced.

Back to perfectionism, it is one of the elements of my life that I am now observing from distance, using exactly the same method I use while meditating: breathe in, breathe out, observe the thought coming through, don’t clench to it, let it go again, and keep breathing. It is such a rejuvenating experience, this meditation. Had you asked me to meditate in November (which I tried by the way), I would have said ” no chance”. I was simply too distressed, too anxious, too sad, too depressed and desperate to even remotely accept to sit for 30 minutes, or even 5 minutes, doing nothing else but breathe. When I tried in November and December several times, my thoughts were so pèowerful over me that I was overwhelmed by them and the only way to not feel worse than I already felt, was to stop meditating. Meditating meant being too much with myself, and I hated to be with myself.

M., the behavioural psychologist, noticed that I was too deep down in my chasm to help me get up by working purely on a shift in my behaviour. I was simply not ready. She recommended I go to a Psychiatrist and get medical help. My mother is the one who insisted, when she came to visit me in November. I was crying every day, despite her company and love, nothing was useful to make me feel better. I was so miserable, so miserable I can’t even think about it without feeling sad again. So, please forgive me if I won’t recollect those thoughts yet. I feel much better now, really good actually, and want to enjoy this process. I will gather my courage and when I am ready to speak about the darkest moments of my life, you will be the first to know.

Stay safe, take care.

Note to self: I need to speak about Procrastination.

Bad dream

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In a previous post I was writing about my dreaming pattern during the treatment with Fluoxetin (or Prozac, as they call the main brand). I have had a dream last night, which I started remembering while meditating (I meditate shortly after I wake up), and the dream was not a good one. It made me feel bad. What I dreamt is that I was depressed and had no will power to get up and do things. I dreamt of my ex boyfriend, A., the one who left me because he was not in love with me; I think I also dreamt of W., but I am not sure. The dreams were more vivid a month or two ago.

The phenomenon I was describing in the dream post reoccurred also in last night’s dream: I went to Geneva to pick up a box from a friend, and I revisited the places where I have been with A., and that made me feel uncomfortable. Not sad or depressed, but almost. I could manage my feelings and I felt them as if they were being observed by me from afar. I guess this is due to the effect of the antidepressant.

But at night, when my conscious guard was lower, and my subconscious had free roaming space, I have shuffled the day experience into negative thoughts, depression and unmotivated behaviour. It didn’t feel good. The good thing about this is, it was a dream, and I have snapped out of it. A look at the sky, a walk through my apartment (remember, it’s still COvid isolation time), and my reality looked much better than the dreamt one.

Before my healing process, the situation was reverted: the reality was a nightmare, I felt completely desperate, no reason to live, no joy in anything I did during the day, not even sport or yoga, which make me feel good in a normal condition; all I wanted is to sleep and dream of a happy moment for me. Anything that would help me not feel I was dying. Thank goodness, now the situation is the exact opposite: the dream is the less interesting (or even uncomfortable) part of my life, and the awake time is good. And yet I want to understand how to change my dreams. After all, we sleep for one third of our time on Earth, so sleeping and dreaming is an essential part of who we are. If uncomfort or desperation are still lingering there, in my dreams, with negative thoughts surfacing while I am sleeping, it means that depression is not over. Depression is sleeping, it’s being doped, and it’s looking for a weak moment to take possession of my awake time.

This is a fight, and I intend to win. I am already winning. Stay tough. Life is good.