Month: April 2020

The second brain

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This morning, while doing my routine mantra meditation, breathing in with a “So”, breathing out with a “Hum” (see my previous post), I was following the movement of my belly, up and down, as I kept breathing in paces of 6-6-12 (6 counts inhale, 6 counts hold, 12 counts exhale). And I couldn’t but think that the brain cannot only be in the head. What makes us feel, think, react, live, must be placed somewhere in our guts, and it’s maybe spread around, not identifiable in one single organ or section. Remember the gut feeling you have about something? You cannot quite tell what it is, but you know you should trust your instinct? Or what about the butterflies in the stomach when you see someone you really like, or when you feel you are about to achieve a great goal in that moment?

This reminds me of a book I heard of a couple of years ago, I will think of the title. Lots of studies have been made over the years, and if you Google “second brain”, you will find lots of litterature. I found this very funny article from 2012 BBC, where a journalist reports the journey that a mini camera made through his digestive system. Very interesting, and intriguing to actually see what happens inside us. All the more important for me to keep this in mind forever: I am and I feel not only through my head, but through my guts. And I want to find a better way to communicate with that second brain.

The Buddhists say “we are what we eat”, and that is so true. I mean, it makes sense, right? What else would we be, if not what we are ingesting? Air, water and food make most of our identity. Well I guess pollution too. That is why I am also taking a big step into cooking more from scratch, and eating organic food when possible, and diverse food, not one kind, not vegan because I need meat and fish from time to time, but not exaggerating with any of the foods. I will dedicate a page of this diary to food later.

So the greatest discovery for me, or let’s say re-discovery, thanks to meditation, is that I am now connecting with both my brains, and I am giving space to my guts, which I haven’t done in the past. I am pretty sure that some of the “subconscious” comes from there too. If only I could find a way to speak with my second brain, and to understand her language I will call my guts Agata (you can tell I am watching Casa de Papel :-)). Have you watched it too? So you know who Agata is.

Not an easy task, to listen to and understand Agata. But in only three weeks of regular meditation I have come to this conclusion. I am excited to see what else I will find out in 10 months, 1 year, 5 years from now. I only need to stay constant, and not only I will fight this depression, but I will learn about myself in ways I would not consider possible until now.

PS: I found the book about the guts. It’s by Giulia Enders and it’s called Gut: The Inside Story of our Body’s Most Underrated Organ. Watch her Ted Talk. If you read it, please let me know how it is.

Body fissure and depression

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We are what we eat. Damn true. What else would we be, if not the result of our digestion and our breathing? I am taking care of the breathing part, and as an Italian have always been raised to eat healthy. But one major incident two years ago compelled me to take the eating very seriously. It’s all connected, I see it now. But when I had this issue in 2017 it caught me very unprepared.

I had always suffered of some colitis, sometimes digestion irregularities and constipation. But in december 2017 something broke down there and it felt like my physical body had started a war against me. Never in my life I had felt such a pain, so pungent, like 1000 sword blades piercing my anus. Sorry to be so graphic, but that’s how it felt. Every time I went to the loo, it hurt yes, but it was only 30 minutes later that the real pain started to occur, and would not leave me for hours. Sometimes 2-3-4 hours. I had to live with it for a year and a half. It’s called anal fissure. You don’t know that half of the adult population has it, until you have it. It’s not something you tell to someone to start a casual conversation (“Hey nice to meet you. Got anal fissure too?”). It’s one of those experiences in my life I would have gladly given up, if I had had the choice. Interestingly, it all occurred as a build up of circumstances, a mechanical one (I am sure of it, cross fit and interval training had never been part of my normal sport routine), and a few (a few!) emotional ones. I had broken up with W. a year and a half earlier (worst decision of my life, I thought at the time, in part I still do), I had fallen for a guy who didn’t love me (and that hurts), and my job was a disaster (reason why I had returned to Switzerland). All in all one failure after another in a couple of years. The world completely turned around, slowly, constantly, inexorably. W. didn’t want to speak with me after what I did to him, and I have been mourning his loss since summer 2016 (although technically I quit); A. was present and absent at the same time (a psychological case I was not prepared for), K., who came before A. and after W. , was a real mistake in my life, and my bottom couldn’t take it anymore. It broke just like my heart broke for losing W., for not being loved by A., for mistaking great sex for love with K.. The pain that I physically felt from december 2017 until last month (way after the surgery) has been my body aching for my soul. I know it now, and thanks to the emotional distance I am taking through the Fluoxetin tablets, I am capable of discerning, study my situation, analyse what happened from distance, and learn from my past. I am learning a lot. 46 years old and still learning. I hope to live beyond 80 and learn some more.

I started this post with the intention to write about diet and the importance of balanced nutrition to heal from my depression, but I guess I had to take one step back and tell you about my fissure. The pain I have carried has been terrible, it has impacted my everyday life for over 18 months, and it is the perfect symbolism of my internal, deeper and more invisible pain that hasn’t been able to surface properly, a pain from the core, a wound that didn’t know how to heal, and it kept breaking, breaking, breaking until I had to fix it surgically. The proctologist is the doctor specialised in the digestive tract all the way to the anus. I found a funny one (he once told me no one was taking such good care of my butt like him, ha!); the surgery was less painful than the daily pain I had to endure until operation day, but boy it hurt the first night after surgery, when I didn’t time the pain killer effects right. I remember calling my yoga teacher in tears, begging her to give me some breathing techniques so I could just embrace the pain. I tried, I swear, but I felt so much pain I cannot describe it to you now. The only thing I can remember is that I wanted to hit my head as hard as possible against the wall, so I could fall unconscious and not feel that pain for a while. Tramadol started having its effect 1.5 hours later. 1.5 hours of pure hell. But once Tramadol (an opiaceum) kicked in, it felt real, real good. I was drugged and I was so grateful to the whole medical population on Earth.

Since the beginning of this anal adventure, I have started drinking much more water (at least 1.5L per day) and I am taking good care of what I eat. I’ll write more soon in a new post. Gotta go iron now (Coronavirus side effects).

Side effects of Fluoxetin

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The first few weeks, after the effect of Fluoxetin started to stabilise, I noticed that I remembered my dreams after every single night. I remember dreaming all along my previous years, sometimes I recollect very clearly what happened in the dream, sometimes not. Dreams have always been part of my life. But this is a very vivid experience. For about 3-4 weeks, when I was into my 5-6th weeks of taking the pills, I could notice clearly that whatever I had thought during the day, I would dream it at night. Did I think of my parents on day x? I would dream of them on night x. Did I picture a particular memory of my ex boyfriend on day y? I would dream it on night y. The dream was a distorted version of reality, but still very very vivid. That, for me, is the only side effect I can report of Fluoxetin. I don’t know how these medicaments work, but I figure all antidepressants must give a similar reaction. I would love to know if you have had a similar experience.

One particular thing about this dreaming pattern: I had come to a point, up until a month ago, that I could determine during the day what I was going to dream at night. That was powerful, and awesome! I remember talking to a young friend of mine, whom I am very fond of (as a friend purely) and whom I find very handsome (sweet, good body, young); we chatted on the phone talking about our lives, and catching up (he left Switzerland for a couple of years); I have no particular feelings for this young man, except for some physical attraction maybe; at night I ended up dreaming of him and me in an intimate situation; it felt really good, real and vivid. Haha! I had fund that night. When I woke up, I had a good memory of the dream, and till today (about 45 days later) I think of it smiling. I don’t think I’ll tell JC about the dream. I don’t want our friendship to be jeopardized. I prefer to keep him as a friend for a very very long time. Physical attraction, in my experience, ruins friendships. But that’s tropic for another day.

Going back to dreams and side-effects of antidepressants, I haven’t been able to sustain this dreaming habit for long. I think it lasted a month or a bit longer. Interesting. What happens now is that dreams still occur, and I still remember more than in the past, and day previous hours before the sleep still affect greatly the content of my dreams, but I don’t seem to have a grip on it. Dream just comes. This morning while meditating, I was thinking about the dream I had last night. I dreamt of going to W.’s wedding to his present girlfriend (who is W? Long story), he invited me. I went with my best friend M., we went with a VW, where I had put a change of clothes to get dressed, cause I was still in my PJ while driving to the venue. W. didn’t look like him, he rather looked like another guy I fancied in the past; his fiancée was not his actual fiancée, but my ex work colleague from the previous firm. When finishing up the meditation (as I was trying not to think…) I reviewed the dream in my mind, and realised that all elements of the dream had been in my mind in the previous 12h hours: W. looked like I guy I had just happened to think about a few hours back; my neighbor friend, whom I see every day for half hout in the public garden during isolation time, told me about our common ex-work colleague and her gift to her little daughter; the clothes were to change my PJ, which is what I have been wearing for the past 5 weeks in isolation (for Zoom or Whatsapp work calls all I need is to look decent from the waist up :-)). And voilà le cake is ready. Many ingredients (WV: not sure why it was in the dream). All make sense. Wow, it’s really great to follow this process as the studying subject and object of this phenomenon called healing from depression.

As for any other side effects of Fluoxetin, the only other thing I can remember is feeling stomach pains the first few weeks; the medicine was hard on my stomach, even if I was taking it after breakfast. And the heart beat growing faster a few hours after taking it. These effects have passed after 2-3-4 weeks. Sometimes I feel so good actually, that I need to calm down, to not explode of happiness. I want to preserve my emotions and be ready for when I stop the medicines. No intention of stopping as of yet. I am thinking another few months. I’ll for sure wait that Covid isolation is over.

Thoughts during mantra

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Soham or Sohum (सो ऽहम् so ‘ham or so ‘Hum) is a Hindu mantra, meaning “I am He/That” in Sanskrit.

From Wikipedia

In a previous post (meditation as a cure to depression) I wrote about a meditation mantra I have now followed for 4 weeks, pretty much since beginning of Covid isolation time. This morning, after waking up (and watching the stars to check more or less what time it was – I’ll talk about that another time, really nice btw) I went back to my bed and started my morning meditation. Ok pause there. I never thought in my life I would say “I had my morning meditation”, wow, how things can change. Good change.

Back to the mantra, this session was 7 – 21:
Sooooo: you breathe in for 7 counts
Hummm: you breathe out for 21 counts.

I started with lower ratios, 2 in 2 out, 4 in 4 out, then after a while 6 in 18 out, 10 in 10 out. This mantra is supposed to make you control your breathing, go deep into your breathing pattern, and focus. A professor’s lecture I found on youtube explains really well what focus means, and what meditation is about. I highly recommend to listen to it: Dr. Denise Compton, clinical psychologist, at the UAMS Reynolds Institute on Aging.
One thought after another: that for me is meditation for now. Forget about not thinking, for every 5 seconds of meditation I am happy if one thought only has surfaced. This is progress, my friend, let me tell you!

So, while I was meditating this morning I thought (right..) that I would want to write down my incoming thoughts in my diary, and share them with me (and you). More than that, I want to observe as they go through my mind, and understand why some thoughts are recurring every morning, and what the subconscious (or whatever we want to call it, help me find a name, ’cause I don’t think it’s that “sub”conscious) tells me. The more I meditate, the more I enter in a space within me, where my “me” talks to my other “me”. Of course I am one, but part of my one is separated, and I start thinking that this separation is ancestral, that it’s due to survival, evolution, a mechanism that self ignites when things go bad. It’s as uncontrollable as the heart beating; it’s so powerful because it is still us, but we don’t have easy access to it. And all the daily noise, the hustle and bustle, the modern life, the inputs we receive every single day, the influence our peers have on us, the social obligations, the moral constraints, the religious beliefs, the subjective elements of our own cultures, etc.. make us strain from that “me” that is there but hardly audible. No wonder that the rare people in this world who are able to really control their mind (and heart, remember Siddharta?) are the monks in the isolated monasteries. And that’s where many of us strive to go, to regain control of our life. I haven’t thought about this until recently, when a German Couchsurfing friend visited me just before the Covid lockdown, after spending 6 months in a monastery.

All that to say, I am starting to appreciate meditation, and the change it can bring me. This powerful method takes definitely longer (a lifetime of constant practice?), but I believe it can heal depression. It can actually avoid it. It can make us resilient. Meditation, yoga, psychological sessions with a pro…, whatever makes us go inside instead of outside helps. And now that I am not depressed, and that this lockdown is giving me a monastery-like environment (I see nobody, I don’t go out, I am with myself), I want to take advantage of this situation and meditate, learn about myself.

Flashbacks to depression

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It feels so long ago that I was depressed, and today I feel so good, even despite Covid isolation, that has forced me (and almost everyone else on the planet) to stay at home for at least 4 weeks (I am in my fifth week as I write this page). However I often flashback to the days of sadness and desperation, not because I like to relive that pain, but because I want to make sure I won’t feel it in the future.

I tend to forget easily, my memory is really poor (it has always been), I am happy now and I am forgetting how I felt only 4 months ago; in truth, I also forget what I ate last week, what I did at my birthday last year, and forget the wrong that others have done to me in the past (that’s probably why I easily forgive, I forget how bad a wrongdoing, a betrayal or a moral punch felt). That is why during this Coronavirus pandemic, as I find myself alone at home, I have all the time in the world to dedicate to myself and to rhythm my daily hours the way I feel is good for me; during this daily pace I sometimes look back at how I felt four months ago, how unmotivated I was to get out of bed, how every single thing felt like the biggest hurdle to me, even washing the dishes, getting the laundry downstairs, feeling any reason why I should do anything. Today I look at these feelings and observe them from my stronger self, I feel good enough (really good actually) to use this upbeat time and analyse how I let these negative emotions overcome me four months ago; I feel I am gathering all munitions I can to fight back, the day I should have a down moment again.

I know depression is not over, I know this process is long. It took me years to become depressed, I am expecting to take months and years to feel strong in my core again, like I was at 20-25 years old, when the world was mine to conquer. This exercise of looking back at sad and depressive feelings is a very good exercise for me; and I recently told G. (my psychologist), so he can help me figure out some things when I am too close to the object of study (=me) and can’t see the forest from the trees. I am consciously taking action to help my most inner consciousness heal.

I have a renewed admiration for psychologists, their work is so important in our modern society, I had underestimated the need for a mind specialist, someone who treats your thoughts as part of physical body. What a difficult job to choose, I mean, the mind is so complex, more than an arm, or even the heart, and I am realising this more and more as I explore myself during the healing process. Incredible that only four months ago I could not force myself out of bed, even if I wanted to. Someone else inside me was bringing me down, keeping me low, sad, negative, self-pitying for all the bad things that happened to me, and that I let happen. Today not only I get out of bed at the crack of dawn, but I have a long list of things I want to do during the day, and the day is not enough to do everything I want, not even during isolation. It is fantastic that I feel like this again, and I know that a lot is due to my medicaments, so now I want to take responsibility for my own well being, and am going to take any action necessary to replace the chemical medicine with my own natural serotonin and dopamine (and whichever other hormone makes us happy, satisfied and on top of the world).

Meditation as a cure to depression

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I said I was going to write about meditation in a separate post. There it is.

I need to specify that I have tried to meditate for many years, but it has always been a very difficult endeavor for me. I guess it is because I am an active person, my nephews would say even too much 🙂 (I love you A & G), and more than that I think it’s because I am not a patient person. So, whenever I tried in the past to meditate, I would give up after the second or third session, each session not lasting more than 10 minutes, during which my mind would roam around, think, suggest, preoccupy, laugh, cry, upset, etc. All you can imagine when you are not meditating.

But, there’s a but. Yes, it is the circumstances I find myself in at this moment in my life, which are very unique: 1. I took a major step four months ago (five actually) and asked for medical help to get me out of my depressive misery, and 2. the whole world has been on practically total lockdown for 3-4 weeks since the Coronavirus outbreak in China in Dec 2019. Crazy circumstances, I agree, that do not happen every day, or not even in a lifetime (SARS was not as pandemic as this one, although depression is). I decided to make the most out of this situation, and while I am at home by myself, not seeing anybody if not at the supermarket every 3-4 days, I have all the time in the world to concentrate on myself. I feel good, I am seren, I even like my job and its process (which I hated only 4 months ago), what better chance to start meditating? Off I go.

I have a dear friend in L.A. who does meditation and says it not only helps, but it changes your life. Another friend in Johannesburg has been meditating for years, and swears by it. They are both different people with different lives, and a common element in their everyday routine: meditation.

Ok, I have to quickly talk about routine and my allergy for it. This is one of the things that in time made me depressive. I can’t stand routine. I remember when I was with W. (the love of my life, that’s a whole other chapter), we used to laugh at standardisation and routine life. We were the opposite of standard, and we loved our life. It was great. Anything that resembles routine has been stricken off my vocabulary for years. Meditation to me is the quintessence of routine. So I always associated it with a bad thought. Today, as I write this blog, things have changed. I have been at war against depression, and I intend to win. If routine helps me get back my good old jolly being, then be it. I embrace it with all my heart.

So routine it is, and meditation. It’s my third week of every day meditation and I am so proud of myself. half hour every morning, first thing (second actually) after I wake up. You want to know what I use? I of course went online (Oh, Internet, what an invention) and searched for good meditation channels on youtube. I have tried several, I even did meditation with a couple of friends in the past years, to see what matches my needs more. I mentioned in a previous post that I listened a lot to Micheal Sealey. I was often listening to his wonderful soothing voice while trying to calm down and fall asleep, when I was at the height of my depression (sept-dec 2019). I still find him very good, but wanted to find a proper meditation channel, without hypnosis or things that help you fight imminent stress. I am not stressed now, I am not sad and I am feeling good. I want to meditate and forge my mind the way I like it. Hence, I have ventured into breathing meditation. It’s working. In sanskrit it’s called Pranayama. the channel I found is called Breathing Mantra. Check it out if you want. I really like it. It’s not easy, I find, as it teaches you over several levels (level 1, 2, 3 etc) various breathing steps. Of course I still think a lot during these 30 minutes. The first few days 30 minutes felt like 30 years, but as I go a long, I find myself accepting and liking the length, and sometimes, when the horn blows at the end of a session, I think “oh, has it already been 30 minutes?”. Who would have thought…

Four months later

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Sorry I haven’t been active on this blog lately. 11 December was the last time I wrote a page of this diary. Lots has happened in between, at the time I am writing (13 April 2020) it has been my 4th week in isolation due to Coronavirus (CoVid 19), a pandemic that has hit the whole world. Had I been in the state I was last time I wrote on this blog, I would not have been able to resist 4 weeks (and counting) at home by myself. Luckily, or shall I say, thanks to the drastic actions taken in November, I am managing.

I need to joggle my memory back 3-4 months, and remember what happened between the day I was desperate, depressed, crying and without energy, to now. It feels I am a totally different person. It doesn’t only feel, it is. Today I am what I used to be before depression started growing in me. And that didn’t take 2-3 months, but years. Ok, so what happened that makes me feel good today?

Many factors. Personal, professional, physical, therapeutical. After about 4-5 weeks of taking Fluoxetin my spirit started to feel serene again. My psychiatrist (the congolese jolly bubbly man) told me it would take 2 weeks before it has an effect. Another psychiatrist (who replaced him for a while) told me it takes rather 4-6 weeks. I thought “can’t they agree on one version already?”. It turns out that the 4 to 6-week-interval was correct. I don’t feel any side effect (nausea, lack of appetite, insomnia), only a sense of peace and detachment from my issues. Is it more serotonin or dopamine being injected into my brain by way of my stomach? Whatever hormone it is, or chemical rebalance, I haven’t felt this good in years, and I have noticed and appreciated the whole process of taking my life back into my hands.

What also happened in these past months is a change at work. My CEO and my head of department had noticed a negative change in me, the depressive state I was in, and have been very understanding and supportive (God bless former start up PMEs around the world!). They both know I love international travels, and they noticed a clear change in my moods from end of July until December 2019; so they proposed I take on more international clients. 20-30% for now, as the bulk of our business is still in CH. But that decision took me to Slovenia and then to Israel. In Israel I worked for 5 days, and took 8 days off. It was fantastic: new country, new people, great colleagues, and exploring the country on my free time like I hadn’t done in a long long time. Holidays just like I love them: with no planning, just take the car south from Tel Aviv and then back north, east and west; keep driving, stop whenever there’s something great to see or do. Great as in bathing in the Dead Sea, seeing Ben Gurion’s kibbutz, swim in the ocean, bathe in a rafted river, and drive on a 4×4 through the Golan Heights. I felt alive again. And what amazing food. And people.

Every psychiatric process has to be accompanied by a psychological one. Without psychological therapy that helps you figure out “you”, medicine remains only a palliatif. My psychologist has been helpful to me. Initially I thought he wasn’t the greatest practitioner on earth, but he told me a couple of things that made me reflect. The biggest one for me is when he said that I have a certain fascination for dissatisfaction. Une fascination pour l’insatisfaction, as he said in French. He is right. Another one is that I look at the big picture and the higher goal, without giving time to the small steps that help me achieve that goal, hence I quickly get overwhelmed and impatient (oh, patience, what I virtue I know nothing of!), and I am unsatisfied by what I consider non-achievement.

Sport and yoga have been very helpful. As soon as my motivation to get up from bed raised, I could feel the energy and mental strive to move and do what I love: sport. I remember that when I joined the fitness club in September, I was going there crying, thinking “look at how you have ended up, you who love outdoor activities, freedom and fresh air”; fitness was for me another failure to add to the long list I had been piling up over the last months. But 3-4 months in, I now appreciate the indoor activity, as it keeps me trained, and I will be able to better hike, swim, climb, kitesurf etc thanks to this. Yoga is also very very good. It is a philosophy of life, its not sport, and its not only meditation, its a way for me to discipline my mind through my body and breath. I’ll talk about meditation in another post. That is a biggy for me.

Another thing that happened during these past months is Covid. You’ll wonder how Covid can possibly have a positive influence in my life. Well, I am still amidst the turmoil that this invisible virus has created in our modern world, and I am forced to stay at home and to be with myself. But what a timing for my own personal situation. I am getting to appreciate and love me again. In big part thanks to the medical help, but more and more thanks to the actions I am taking in order to replace the chemical wellbeing with my innate joy for life. And it’s working.

Not easy to fight depression

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(written on 11 dec 2019) Third week of Fluoxetin and since yesterday I have felt sad and helpless again. Maybe because I started working again. The thought of the tasks ahead overwhelms my head, and I have major difficulties discerning the single steps to take to solve one problem, and taking one thing at a time instead of looking at the big messy picture. This is the loop I find myself in, that I have to overcome: the gap I see between where I want to be and where I am, and the effort it takes to get there. So, instead of taking baby steps and start doing something, I paralyse (tétaniser in French), I block and petrify. And no action comes, which makes me more frustrated. The big picture in my life looks insurmountable. I don’t know how to get over this hurdle.

I haven’t written in days because I went on a long weekend with my family in Holland, and didn’t have a computer. I didn’t have much joy during the trip, but at least I wasn’t desperate. Being with my loved ones (father, mother, brother) helps. On the last day I started feeling anxiety build up, ’cause they were leaving before me, and I had to stay a whole afternoon in Amsterdam by myself. Usually it would be no problem, but since my breakdown I fear being alone. What a mess! Head, please get it together, this is not the end of the world. Listen to me!

Working I think helps, or should help, ’cause it distracts me. But this morning it is 8am and I am writing the diary instead of getting ready to work. How can I explain what goes on in my head… let’s see. There is a physical sense of discomfort all around my cortex, the stomach is burning, as I think of the actions I will have to take to write and to call this or that client, I boycott my own thoughts and images of action, so that inaction feels simpler and more comforting. Can anyone help me overcome this? Have you been in a similar situation and have got out of it?

I will see the psychologist for the second time tomorrow. I am not sure if he is the right one. It’s so difficult to find a good one who can interpret your thoughts for you. He told me he will help me find again what I truly desire, he thinks that’s what’s missing, my deepest desire, what I wish for in my life. I feel I need daily instruments to help my mind find peace; something like mental exercises of positive thinking, but not just positive affirmations which I personally find of no use (the likes of “I am good, I am abundant, I am great” etc).

Well, I know what makes me happy: it’s the constant discovery of new experiences while traveling around the world with a companion who shares my passion. Being surprised by the beauty of this world, encounter amazing people and explore, get my senses stimulated, rejoyce of the sunshine on my skin, the wind in my hair, the sense of freedom the world gives me.