Category: antidepressant

Pain and discipline for my happiness

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I am happy these days. Things are going well. I moved to the new house. It’s gorgeous. I am playing water-polo, I am doing spinning at the gym, I am studying for my private pilot exams and I am getting ready to my first solo flight. Work is going well too. So, all in all, great times.

When I was spinning this morning, I was thinking about the pain that I feel while doing the physical effort, and how much this gives me motivation. My body feels great after a workout. Same thing with water-polo: there is not only the physical pain of suffering during the training, but also the coaching time; the authority of the coach, the discipline; the orders, in a way, comfort me. They make me feel kind of safe. It’s not easy to explain, but I find that an environment of school, like learning waterpolo, learning to fly in a classroom, it all brings me back to the comfort time I had back when I was little, when life was good and free of worries. And now that I think, sports was a big part of my youth. The pain and the discipline of those days, be it at school, at sports or at home (with my dad being quite authoritarian) make me feel good. These are elements I am familiar with, and I associate good times related to those years of my life.

Yes, studying was tough, doing competitive sport was hard, receiving instructions from the coach was tough sometimes, but it was what I was used to. And it makes me feel good today. I realise today that I have picked activities that give me a similar amount of pain and discipline as when I was 14, 18 or 20. This makes me think of what Alain de Botton said about love and marriage. In the article “why you will marry the wrong person” he says that “what we really seek is familiarity — which may well complicate any plans we might have had for happiness. We are looking to recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood”. You can check out the article here. In my case, I was looking for pain and discipline in very specific environments. By reproducing these, I have been able to re-create a space that feels familiar, in a good way. I am filling the baskets with lots of eggs that give me plenty of goodness.

So great to think back to only 2 years ago, when I was still depressed and on medication, and looking at today, with a good life and a stronger self. Pain and Discipline: be welcome. Love: I welcome you too, whenever you decide to knock at my door (’cause I ain’t doing Tinder!).

With hope.

Laura

25 June 2022: Last Fluoxetine

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End of a chapter. A long one. After 3 long years. I took my last fluoxetine on 25 June 2022. So happy!

Ok! I know it is not over, I need to monitor my mood, my thoughts, my attitude towards life. Cause the psychologist told me clearly: you will get rid of depression, but your tendency of seeing the glass half empty will still be there, unless you constantly train to change it. He is right. Some days I feel happy because of things going well, and some other days I feel frustrated of what I don’t have, what I am not achieving, or anything else that occurs to my mind that is not positive.

The finishing process started in February. I started taking 1 Fluoxetine every other day, after a month I took it every 3 days, the month after I took 1 Fluoxetine every 4 days, and so on, until last month (June) I took one every 6 or 7 days. I basically took 4 in a month. 20mg, it’s basically zero effect.

At the beginning of this diary I said I was going to fight this monster, and I am fighting it. I am happy about it, and it is the one single most important thing for me to conquer. Without a happy self, I cannot find my balance at work, in love and in society. I am well aware that I am walking on a thin line, like a funambule: everything could change for the worse in no time. I still have a strong attraction for a drastic change of life, I want to escape, leave Switzerland, start traveling, find love, give up my job, be free, disappear. This usually happens when my mind is dissatisfied about something. But then I’d give up all I have worked for in the last 6 years, all for a deep sense of dissatisfaction? Hold on a minute, I must wait; dissatisfaction, you still exist, but it’s how I perceive you that I must chance, I must thame you, every day of my life. Only then I can leave CH.

6 years ago I lost the love of my life; I let him go, I chased him away; I did a terrible thing to our relationship, to his life and to my own life; it is taking me so long to let go of Will, too long; sense of guilt, sense of losing the one true love of my life; alone in this country that is not popular for its social gatherings, a country where I have felt most lonely, so lonely it was unbearable. Sometimes it still feels super lonely, unbearable, and I would like to leave. Maybe I will, but first I have set goals, and I must comply with my goals: end depression, get the Swiss nationality, become a private pilot, move into a new home with my friends. Only then I can think of leaving.

I have met someone through my podcast. We spent some special, short moments together. Unfortunately he is taken, married, with kids, so it’s a no go for me. But it showed me that a new love is possible, and I am grateful for those moments spent with him. I am ready to find a new love, and put the big old love behind me. Step by step.

No Fluoxetine – so far so good

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I am almost through a month with 5 consecutive days off Fluoxetine. In a month, I am only taking 5 pills of 20mg Fluoxetine. In June I will go 6 days off. And after June I will stop completely. This year I have set the time right. I started reducing in February, 2 days off and 1 day on, then 3 days off and 1 day on, and 4 days off and 1 day on; I did this over the course of 3 months. Now I am off 5 days, in 2-3 weeks 6 days, and then the level of antidepressant in my body will be so low that it will be irrelevant. 20mg in 6 days is nothing. It means that the mood I produce is all natural. And this is great. Cause mood has been quite good.

Not much has changed in my life: no new love, work is up and down as in the last couple of years, some sport, not as much as I would like, some travel, definitely not as much as I would like, and I am still living in the same place. I am studying for my pilot license, and soon are the exams. I am following the psychological therapy by seeing my psychologist every 3 weeks. What is changing is the way I look at things, the way I let myself react to outside events. I can’t say I am truly happy, but most days I am serene. Once a month I feel like I want to cry, and I can’t put a finger to what triggers it. Sometimes I think it’s due to the Fluoxetine shot I take randomly (once every xx days) which must have an impact on my moods; and sometimes I relate it to the menstrual cycle and the swingy moods attached to it.

On days like today, where I tend to look ahead in time and can’t see an improvement of my work or love situation, I must make an extra effort to reduce my long term vision, not reflect today’s state with “the rest of my life” state, cause this is a dangerous thought that can lead to insatisfaction. And that is the true enemy for me. Insatisfaction. Seeing the glass empty instead of full.

So, on days like this, I’ll take some time to do an episode of my podcast, I’ll write a page of this diary, I’ll plan some good sport session, and I’ll work as if all was going in the right direction.

Summer has arrived in the North Hemisphere, and this is a huge help. I definitely look forward to the long sunny evenings, the 25 degree air temperature, and with some luck, I will meet some new nice people, and maybe love.

1 day on, 5 days off Fluoxetine

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I completely forgot about the diary for the past 6 weeks! Is it a good sign? I hope so. Not feeling the need to write when I am feeling down. I haven’t really felt down, only a few times when my mind plays tricks, trying to make me self pity for the things I don’t have. Otherwise, I am doing pretty well. Concentrating on the things I do have.

This time I timed it right: letting go Fluoxetine during spring time. Last time (2020) I stopped at the end of summer: big mistake! By the end of October I was depressed again. So, this time I am prepared, and I am taking it off little by little. I am now on one day on, 5 days off. Basically there is not much Fluoxetine in me anymore. I even wonder if it’s good to take one tablet randomly every 5 days: doesn’t it give me a strange shot? As a matter of facts, yesterday, day of Fluoxetine, I did feel tired almost all day. I had to force myself to the swimming pool. But anyway, the day went through pretty smoothly, with even two sport sessions.

I will take the month of May to do 5 days off, and then I will do 6 days. I will stop completely at the end of June. Then I will be walking completely on my feet. Yeah! I don’t want to jinx it, but it seems to be working. I am building resilience in my body and mind. I have a goal by July: I need the ok of the psychiatrist that I can do the pilot license. I want to build strength without the medicament, so I am ready for next winter. I dread autumn and winter, the darkness and the cold. That is my weakest time, I know now.

More soon.

Time to cut off Fluoxetine

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One of the three objectives of my next two years is getting a private pilot license. The other two are: becoming a Swiss citizen and moving to the new house. But I forgot one major, major one: getting off Fluoxetine and stay away from medicaments for ever. This is a big deal, because I tried once before, and I slipped into another phase of depression. So I had to go back to my meds. It’s been over 2 years with Fluoxetine (the equivalent of Prozac) and this year, in spring, I want to do it again and this time, I want to succeed.

Last week I learnt that I need to pass a medical test to be allowed to fly for my pilot license exams. I told the doctor at the aviation club that I am taking antidepressants, and he said that this is a no-go by default. I need to be off medicaments for a number of months, and a follow up from my psychiatrist must ensue, before I can have the ok to fly. That has created a negative effect on me, as I almost found a good reason not to do the license. But then I thought that this can go to my advantage: I will eliminate Fluoxetine on 1st March and if all goes well I will be able to get the green light to fly by fall. This is my thinking.

It is easier for me to see the half glass empty, but I am working to see it half full. This is what my psychoanalyst is saying: train yourself to turn the negative thoughts to positive. Make a conscious effort, now that you are still using the medicine and feel strong, to actively turn the sad or negative into happy and positive. It’s all in the mind, and the mind can overtake decisions if we give it too much room to act. The other mind, the positive one, must take counteraction, and fight for the good of my whole being.

I would lie if I said that I am fine giving up Fluoxetine. I do know the good it did to me, and I am quite terrified to abandon this comfortable crutch. But man, it’s time to continue life, and to get back to normal; I want to rely on my own strength, my own self confidence.

What if I start feeling depressed again?

Well, what if I won’t?

Apero with a clinical psychologist

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Yesterday I met with a lady who lives in the same city as me. A common friend recommended that I meet her as she can be a good guest for my podcast. So I did. She is a clinical psychologist. It was very nice to talk to her. She is very calm, very empathetic, she loves her job; we were not talking as doctor/patient, but as two friends. I really like her from a human point of view, and she likes me too. We could become good friends in the future.

Restaurant terraces just reopened in Switzerland, so we decided to meet at the bar on the city center square. It was very nice, despite the cold (14 degrees in mid May!). We had a drink and chatted about her life mostly, as I wanted to know what topics I am going to interview her about.

It was great to hear the perspective of a psychologist, to be on the other side for once. She doesn’t know that I have suffered from depression, and I was genuinely interested in knowing what she thinks about the “disease”. She pretty much confirmed what I already knew. But then she also said something I didn’t quite realise or know before: the end of one of her sentences was “people live with their depression”. I forget what came before these words, I can’t remember if she said that psychologists help people live with their depression, or that it is hard for people to live with their depression; the only thing that hit me, like a cold shower, was “living with your depression”. What? Doesn’t depression heal at one point? Well, yesterday I learnt that in some cases it doesn’t; that in some cases you live with it all your life. I also learnt that there are seasonal depressions (at the beginning of winter for example), and there are one-off depressions.

I knew that you can heal depression with psychological sessions, and it will go away, if it’s not more serious. In my case, in December 2019, I had come to a point where external help was not enough: friends, family, a behavioral therapist could not help me get out of it, so I was prescribed a medicament, Fluoxetin (Prozac for the Hollywood lovers). So I took it for 6 months, then reduced the dose by half, and after 9 months I quit; depression came back (smart me, I quit just before beginning of autumn…) and by December I had to start again, cause I was crying for no reason.

So now I wonder: will I have to take antidepressants forever? I certainly don’t want that. This is what this diary is about, to tell my story of how I defeat depression. And by defeat I mean get off drugs and be happy on my own again.

I am serene, happy, distanced from trouble right now. I feel good. I know it’s the medicine. But I am also doing lots of stuff right: a podcast, working well on my job, thinking of taking a pilot license, doing sports, meeting new friends, being social; in a nutshell, diversify my egg basket. This is a baggage of goodies that I will find at the end of my medicinal tunnel. I am building strength from inside, so that I am strong again when the serotonin and dopamine won’t be any longer injected chemically in me.

Side Effects of Fluoxetine (Prozac)

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If I dig into my older diary pages, I will find my notes about side effects. I will check later. I thought this morning I would check again on the Internet, because I have two clear changes that I feel to attribute to taking Fluoxetine. I am sort of doing a self diagnosis, based on the fact that I have taken two long repetitions of Fluoxetin, and I notice the same pattern. Nothing major, but to be monitored.

The first time I took Fluoxetin was December 2019 until June 2020, the second time was December 2020 until now (April 2021). in 2019 I starting reducing from June to September, taking 10mg instead of 20mg, then I stopped in September and October, but by November I was feeling depressed again, and I started again December until now. I still take the same dosage, 20mg. In both cases I had no Fluoxetin in the gloomier months of the year for me: October-December, and I had to wait until end of Jan in order to start feeling better. I confirm that it takes 4 to 6 weeks for Fluoxetin (Prozac) to kick in. So, in both cases, I have the same pattern developing: 1. once my mood stabilises and I feel happier, I start dreaming very vividly; 2. I become more cocky, blunt, sometime verbally aggressive in my reactions. As if the social mask that inhibits our very being from expressing itself was taken off.

These are not amongst the common side effects of Fluoxetine. If I look at the NHS in the UK, the side effects that happen in more than 1 in 100 people are:

  • nausea, headaches, being unable to sleep, diarrhoea, feeling tired or weak.

    • I am far from that, I actually sleep like a baby. And I have these vivid dreams, they feel so real that I wake un in the morning remembering them as they really happened. Last night I dreamt something that has been recurring to me: I was missing the plane, and I felt this anxiety and breathlessness because I was stressed, I had to take that plane, and nobody around (my family) was helping me getting there in time. My father, who usually likes to get to airports 2 hours in advance, was telling me to not go until an hour from the flight time, but this was not going to help, as we were on the other side of London (why London I dont know…). I had this dreams in different sauces several times. It is not a happy dream, but it is not a depressive one either. It kind of gives me adrenaline.

    The other thing is feeling cocky. The only common point I can interpret from the NHS list of serious side effects (happens less than 1 in 100 people) is this

    1. headaches, trouble focusing, memory problems, not thinking clearly, weakness, seizures, or losing your balance – these can be signs of low sodium levels

    2. thoughts about harming yourself or ending your life

    3. fits, feelings of euphoria, excessive enthusiasm or excitement, or a feeling of restlessness that means you can’t sit or stand still

    4. vomiting blood or dark vomit, coughing up blood, blood in your pee, black or red poo – these can be signs of bleeding from the gut

    5. bleeding from the gums or bruises that appear without a reason or that get bigger

    NHS article on Fluoxetine

    I feel number 3 is close to what I feel. During the day, when working or doing my own personal projects, I feel I am regaining confidence, and strength, and I tend to cast away everything that threatens that confidence. I don’t feel inhibitors in telling people what I think, and I feel good in what I am doing. Work is going better, I started (yes, finally!) my podcast, it feels good.

    But I need to be careful not to exaggerate. I live in Switzerland, not in Italy, and the direct way of confronting people is not appreciated. I even thought of telling my CEO that he was wrong in doing what he did to one of my clients. But he is the boss, I have no right to tell him what I think, right? And he is not the kind of person who will easily accept a critic. So I need to be careful to not ruin my own happiness by saying too outloud, or being too enthusiastic (euphoric sometimes yes).

    All in all, I am doing well, I feel that the medicine is helping me. Unlike I read in another article, I don’t think it is like a placebo. But I need to prepare my own internal medicine, my own mental weapons to fight depression if it comes back after I am out of Fluoxetine. When will I stop Fluoxetine? I don’t know yet. I am scared of the gloomy depressive winter. I will check with my Congolese psychiatrist.

    Anger again

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    Yes, anger again, same as last year. A cycle is kind of repeating: in the winter I am depressed and start taking fluoxetin; the medicine slowly but regularly starts having effect and equalises my moods, making me happier and stronger every day. It takes about 2-3 months to get stable. I am miserable in October-November-December, then from January things start getting better. Then around early spring (about now) I start becoming cocky, and angry at things and events; it is as if I was gaining too much confidence, and I can face any event or situation; I need to be careful, because at work I risk to respond abruptly to people (and to the Management) and I know I will regret if I do. So I tell myself “stay humble, don’t explode”. So I do. I try my best. So far I succeed, but sometimes I am really eager to give the proper feedback to people. I play it in my head over and over, as to rehearse the perfect speech.

    I remember last year I was angry against W., my ex (the love of my life), for not fighting for our relationship, for letting me go like that; the anger was good to not think of him too much, self defense I reckon. As I already wrote in another page, I’d rather be angry than depressed. And I remember that last year, around late spring, I decided together with my psychiatrist, to start diminishing the dose of antidepressant. Because I was feeling strong, and because I knew I could manage reducing the pills. This year I feel I am doing well again, I feel I could let go of Fluoxetin, but I want to be more careful, and not rush things. I don’t want to end up later this year with a winter coming and depression galloping again in my brain.

    Man, it’s so challenging to find a balance. I said from the beginning that I will win this fight, and I will. It feels though like a lifelong battle, that this will be my fight until the end of my days. I must never let my guard down, I must remember that there is always a risk of falling into depression. Like asthma. You have it and then it stays with you; you can calm it down, thame it, but never lower your guard, never underestimate the enemy.

    Familiarity

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    It’s been way too long since my last post. A lot has happened. First I went on holiday. It was really good. I have thrown away cell phone, laptop, and all I did was eat, sleep and swim in the sea. Second I finished my antidepressant. Yeah! 4 September 2020 is the first day off Fluoxetin. In June I had gotten prescribed half dosage for 3 months, meaning 10mg instead of 20mg, and then basta, give it up and see how it goes. My spirits are high, I am rejuvenated from the holidays and I like my job. It’s a good start to test my time off medicaments.

    What I would really like to highlight here, is that I think familiarity was really key to this whole process. Alain de Botton says this about love. Have you heard any of his conferences? You can check Ted Talk. Great guy, a philosopher with lots of knowledge and a great look at modernity through the eyes of the Greek philosophers. He basically says that when we fall in love it is usually with people that don’t make us feel necessarily good, but familiar, as we unconsciously seek for the feelings we are familiar with. “We chase after more exciting others, not in the belief that life with them will be more harmonious, but out of an unconscious sense that it will be reassuringly familiar in its patterns of frustration.” (quote from one of his books, see it here). Sounds like a side track to my story, but it all makes sense to me! I had a great time at the beach in Italy, 2 weeks of bliss, without doing anything special, but I was at the campground where I have spent most of my summers since my first year of age. And that’s the recipe: I needed familiarity, I needed to go back to what I know and am accustomed to, the love of my parents, a routine, etc. Four years ago, when my life changed for what I thought was the worst, this is what I was seeking all along, without exactly knowing. When I left W., the love of my life, I was going in this direction, but I couldn’t see it then. I went through hell, to get where I am now; I had to leave him in order to find me. I had lost me on the way, I wasn’t feeling the earth under my feet. I had to go back to what was familiar; stay in one place, refind balance, finding a routine… all things I have despised for the last 20 years.

    And here I am now, four years after moving back to Switzerland, leaving W., changing jobs, coming closer to my hometown (1’000 km instead of 9’000 km), having a stable job, paying retirement insurance, saving money to buy a house, visiting friends a few km from my place in Geneva, etc. I didn’t have to give up W., but that’s what it took in my case; I miss him dearly every damn day of the year, since 4 years; he doesn’t want to talk to me, 14 years together, and I threw that away; and he didn’t pick it up for us. He let us go as much as I did. But that’s another story. For another post.

    I am happy and serene. Gained 4 kilo, but am sort of pleased by the extra “ciccia” :-). I want to get back in shape, it will come. For now I look at my belly and I smile. Abundance is welcome, also in the flesh. Anything, but not depression. Ok, no cancer either, thank you.

    Anger

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    This week has been hard at work, plus it’s been two months since reducing Fluoxetin to 10mg a day, plus we had full moon on Monday and I started my period, with the mood swings that evince. Whichever element has had an impact on my mood this week, I don’t know. All I know is that this week I have been very, very angry. I am angry for the injustice that I am experiencing at work, and this anger makes me fuel more anger towards all the injustices I received during my life, big disappointments such as my sister in law. As if work and family weren’t enough, I think of other reasons why to be angry, and I am really angry. It’s as if I were searching for reasons to be angry. In my mind I go over ways to revenge each and every injustice, I make a film in my head where I have a conversation with my colleague, or with my sister in law L., and I go over and over and over through it in my head until I am satisfied of the outcome. Although the outcome is never satisfying, cause it’s just a preparation of what I want to tell these people in person. Then I could be really satisfied. Explode in front of them, tell them what I think of their miserable life, where they are so weak they have to find in someone else the reason of their deep rooted dissatisfaction. L. was left by my brother because of another woman (and many other reasons), and now she stopped talking to me and my parents, while she still speaks to her husband. Why are we to blame?

    Yesterday I was so angry that I cried during the entire meditation session. I tried to stick to the breathing mantra, but yesterday my thoughts were overwhelming. This morning I didn’t even try to meditate; I woke up angry making films in my head again. Darn. What is it? Why am I so angry? Is it the effect of Fluoxetin? Is it the menstrual mood swings? Is it the real injustice I face at work, where this woman is jealous of me and my achievements? Is it what Dr. G., my psychologist says, that I have a fascination for dissatisfaction? Is it maybe also the frustration during my whole life of wanting to be good to people and doing efforts and sacrifices towards them that are misunderstood and not gratified as I deserve?

    I don’t know. I just know that I want to write it down, so I can read this when I am less angry and make a “cold blood” analysis (a sangue freddo) of all of this.

    I realise I care too much about what people think of me, I want everyone to love me, like I love everyone. I see life in pink, others don’t, but how can I act so that instead of them dragging me down to their dark world, I lift them up to my rose world? That again goes back to how we see the glass, it’s either half full or half empty. And why should they succeed in making me see the glass empty instead of full? How can I make them see the full side?

    So my anger, I think, comes from the many years’ frustration of subsiding to others’ bad tempers and moods, just because I am able to adapt myself to others, I am flexible, understanding and ….. well THE HELL with all that! Today I am me, I regain my own dignity and right to be me, and others have to model their own behaviour to fit mine, and not the other way round, FOR ONCE. The hell with L., who has been jealous for years of my great relationship to my brother, and now that they are separated, she blames me and my family for being the source of her bad luck, well, I have a lot to say about that and about her. To hell with Trump, to hell with my colleague who feels threatened because I work well, to hell with everybody who is not strong enough to face me. I will no longer lower my intelligence for the sake of others. This has hurt me over the years, and I think more and more that this has been one major element leading to my depression.

    Like Claire Underwood said at the end of season five: My turn now.