Pain and discipline for my happiness

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I am happy these days. Things are going well. I moved to the new house. It’s gorgeous. I am playing water-polo, I am doing spinning at the gym, I am studying for my private pilot exams and I am getting ready to my first solo flight. Work is going well too. So, all in all, great times.

When I was spinning this morning, I was thinking about the pain that I feel while doing the physical effort, and how much this gives me motivation. My body feels great after a workout. Same thing with water-polo: there is not only the physical pain of suffering during the training, but also the coaching time; the authority of the coach, the discipline; the orders, in a way, comfort me. They make me feel kind of safe. It’s not easy to explain, but I find that an environment of school, like learning waterpolo, learning to fly in a classroom, it all brings me back to the comfort time I had back when I was little, when life was good and free of worries. And now that I think, sports was a big part of my youth. The pain and the discipline of those days, be it at school, at sports or at home (with my dad being quite authoritarian) make me feel good. These are elements I am familiar with, and I associate good times related to those years of my life.

Yes, studying was tough, doing competitive sport was hard, receiving instructions from the coach was tough sometimes, but it was what I was used to. And it makes me feel good today. I realise today that I have picked activities that give me a similar amount of pain and discipline as when I was 14, 18 or 20. This makes me think of what Alain de Botton said about love and marriage. In the article “why you will marry the wrong person” he says that “what we really seek is familiarity — which may well complicate any plans we might have had for happiness. We are looking to recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood”. You can check out the article here. In my case, I was looking for pain and discipline in very specific environments. By reproducing these, I have been able to re-create a space that feels familiar, in a good way. I am filling the baskets with lots of eggs that give me plenty of goodness.

So great to think back to only 2 years ago, when I was still depressed and on medication, and looking at today, with a good life and a stronger self. Pain and Discipline: be welcome. Love: I welcome you too, whenever you decide to knock at my door (’cause I ain’t doing Tinder!).

With hope.

Laura

2023 Anti-Depression Resolutions

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Welcome 2023! In italy 23 is a great number, all Italians know it when they play Tombola (Bingo). 23 is the lucky number. So let’s make 2023 our lucky number.

And yet luck doesn’t have much to do with happiness. Yes, it can help big time, but I say I want to make my own happiness, by keeping in track with all the work I have done in the past 3 years. Work that goes towards one goal: ending depression.

I have written down my projects for 2023. They are short to long term projects, I keep the page open on my desk, and remind myself of doing something every day towards those goals. There are 13 lines in the list at the moment. Projects range from keeping good fitness level to finishing my pilot licence, renting out my car, find public funding for my podcast, move to my new home, get the Swiss citizenship, find a kitehouse. Some projects are big and will require more than a year, some are easy, some are imminent.

People around me ask me how I can do so many things… first I don’t have kids, second I am not depressed anymore, and that’s awesome! Spirit is high, I have plenty of energy, I am being careful of what I eat, I weigh my mental efforts, and when I feel I get too overwhelmed, I stop doing what is negatively taking energy from me, and I do something I like, such as sport, walk, watch a video. I reward myself instead of penalising myself with some stupid thought (“you can’t do this assignment, you idiot”).

Being back in Switzerland after the Xmas break isn’t easy, I admit. I need to stay focused on what is important, so that I don’t get distressed by the lousy weather, or the lack of friends on any given day. I consciously make an effort to be vigilant about my moves. Because I know how hard it is to be depressed, and how difficult and long it is to come out of it. So, being vigilant and making extra positive steps is paramount to my wellbeing. That is why I have started a new project, called kitehouse. I want to find a great spot in Europe where I can buy a place I can call my kitehouse. A windy spot where I can kitesurf. My own place. A place where I can go often when I am older and retired. I never thought of investing. It’s a good time to do so.

Whatever project I choose will have to be useful to my wellbeing and mental stability. I miss love, and feel I need someone to feel fulfilled, but I know that fulfillment must come from within me, as it did when I was younger. Hence I make projects. as many as I want to handle, but not too many, to not overwhelm me. By the way, love is NOT one of the 13 projects. After trying Tinder and Bumble for a couple of months I decided to not waste more time, and not look for love, but let it happen in due time. Meanwhile, I concentrate on my own projects and wellbeing.

One of the resolutions is to find a new therapist who can assist me this year. I had an issue with the cabinet where my psychoanalyst was practising from. Mostly invoicing errors, extra charges, etc. I decided to look for a new therapist, someone who can follow me online. It’s one of the 13 projects of this year. I sometimes feel that I don’t need a therapist anymore, but I am not convinced that this is a good time to let go of this strong ammunition. What if something drastic happens in my life that catches me unprepared?

A great resolution I have from this year is “remote work in a warm place in winter”. I asked my company HR last month if I could work for three months elsewhere next winter, somewhere warm. They’ll think about it. I don’t know how much this project is depending on me, but I will think of something to make it happen. Switzerland is great, but between November and April it sucks! Except for skiing :-).

Let’s see how January goes. I am hopeful.

R.I.P depression (2019-2022)

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Probably this is the last post for this year. Dear diary, life has been better. I have been good. This year I have learnt to not judge me, to be gentle to myself, to give myself good rewards for to the small achievements during the day. I have stopped the psychiatric medications on 25 June 2022. It was a long process, because I did it very slowly, from February to June, taking less and less pills per week. Depression was officially diagnosed in 2019, and officially ended in 2022.

For once, the death of something is a happy moment! Happy I have been off medication since June, without any sense of depression whatsoever. So good! When I was deep in my sadness, I thought I would never see this day, I thought “how can I walk without my Fluoxetin crutches?”. And then it happens. You do it, it works, and you know it. But: it is not the end of a pain like when you take out an infectious tooth! The pain doesn’t go away from one day to another, and it does require your full effort. It’s a lifelong endeavor, and I am aware of it. If I weren’t, I would be in great danger today: danger of falling into depression again one day. No no no, I know better now, and I know me better. I know my limits, the moments where I can be weak, those moments where I need to work on my happiness.

Being depressed is like coming out of the Matrix: you realise what many people don’t know, you realise how life really is. It’s a blessing in a way, although a very painful blessing. But when you come out of depression, you don’t look at life the same way. I don’t. I don’t take the happy moments for granted anymore. Today I find myself smiling at things or events that in other years I would have dismissed as obvious, given, granted. Oh no, now everything is a great thing, and when I feel a bit blue for any reason (bad day at work, no sport in a while, no boyfriend, or no travel in sight) I shift my internal gaze to something that is working in my life at that very moment. And there are always good things in life, I just need to open my eyes.

A dead depression is not dead forever. Like a Zombie, it can come back to life. This is the tricky part that must keep us vigilant. This is why I will keep seeing a psychotherapist (maybe once every 4-5 weeks) and why I will keep writing this diary. It keeps me focused, it reminds me of how I was feeling 3 years ago, even 2 years ago, even one year ago… It’s been a long process, and I didn’t think it would take so long. I had a minor case of depression, one that required 20mg a day of antidepressant. But I have a friend (my ex boss actually) who is still on 100mg a day or more, and he can’t get over it. He is still in a bad shape, despite his intelligence, nice family and everything. So we must be careful. dead is not dead; like the herpes virus, a depression stays with us and will resurge when we are weak. It is dormant like a Volcano, we must be vigilant. I will.

I wish to all depressed people to heal very soon and to have a blessed Christmas and New Year!

More soon,

Laura

Memory loss and anti-depression achievements

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I realised I didn’t write in a long time; on one end it is a good sign, it means I am doing well, I have been busy, I have been my “usual” self (usual = pre-depression); on the other end I am sorry I have neglected you, diary, because this is a long term project and I want to keep a trace of my fight against depression.

I also realise I forgot about the diary. I haven’t thought about it in a long time.

Forgetting is something I do often, I have bad memory, really bad, from childhood in fact. This has been a disadvantage for studies, as I could not memorise much, but a good thing for social liaisons, as I forget easily why I am angry with someone, so I don’t hold a grudge, haha! “I was very angry with you, but I forgot why, so let’s stay friends”. I am a bit like Dory in Finding Nemo.

But this memory thing has gotten a bit worse with the therapy. I took 20mg Fluoxetine from December 2019 until Spring 2022: that’s a bit more than 2 years. Yesterday I went to a new psychiatrist (who needs to report that I am fine with pursuing a private pilot license) and he said that usually memory capabilities go down with psychotropes. This is less of a good news, and I hope it won’t get worse than this. I hope I won’t get Alzheimer. But that is another disease, I don’t see the link with psychiatric remedies.

In hindsight, looking at the last 3 years, since I was depressed and could not get out of bed, where everything was overwhelming, and I didn’t see the sense of life, I look at me today and I see that I have done tremendous progress. Medicine is not necessary, and I don’t recommend it unless you are really really low. I was at a very low point, and could not find in me the strength to get up again. I felt the world was collapsing onto me, too heavy to sustain. So I took some medical crutches, I took an antidepressant, which gave me the mental capacity to get up again on my feet. Antidepressant is not the goal, it’s the means. The most important work is with a psychological consultant who can study your mind, understand where you turn your thoughts in ways that lead you to depression, and prescribes you the mental weapons to grow stronger, avoid the tricks of your mind, come out of your fight with your brain as a winner. Winning is embracing your brain, understanding who you are (not easy at all), and remembering to be gentle with you whilst being demanding.

I don’t think that my psychologist is a great one, he is actually a psychoanalist (I didn’t know then, I just looked up a practice on Google that was walking distance from home….), but he did tell me a few things over 3 years that stuck with me. And I am daily using the exercises to strengthen my mind against the adversities that my own mind finds along the way. I do intentionally look for the elements in the day that make my glass half full instead of half empty. Empty glass is part of the glass, but I know I can make it fuller than emptier, it’s all up to me.

One great example I often think of, is Monsters Inc. Check this scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35XcnPM68ro the one eyed monster finds out that he is on the front cover of the magazine, but his face is hidden by the barcode. And yet he is super excited to be on the front cover of the magazine! I find that so cute. Seeing good also when it’s not 100% perfect. I mean, better being partly on the cover than not being there at all.

Anyway, this was just a quick note to say I am back, I haven’t left now that I am feeling good. I am much happier now, quite satisfied with pretty much everything in my life, and working daily on my happiness. I have projects, and I stick to them. That is key for me. Podcast, naturalisation, flying license, sport, travels, work. The fight isn’t over, and I think it will be a fight for life. Winter is coming, I am getting ready.

More soon.

25 June 2022: Last Fluoxetine

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End of a chapter. A long one. After 3 long years. I took my last fluoxetine on 25 June 2022. So happy!

Ok! I know it is not over, I need to monitor my mood, my thoughts, my attitude towards life. Cause the psychologist told me clearly: you will get rid of depression, but your tendency of seeing the glass half empty will still be there, unless you constantly train to change it. He is right. Some days I feel happy because of things going well, and some other days I feel frustrated of what I don’t have, what I am not achieving, or anything else that occurs to my mind that is not positive.

The finishing process started in February. I started taking 1 Fluoxetine every other day, after a month I took it every 3 days, the month after I took 1 Fluoxetine every 4 days, and so on, until last month (June) I took one every 6 or 7 days. I basically took 4 in a month. 20mg, it’s basically zero effect.

At the beginning of this diary I said I was going to fight this monster, and I am fighting it. I am happy about it, and it is the one single most important thing for me to conquer. Without a happy self, I cannot find my balance at work, in love and in society. I am well aware that I am walking on a thin line, like a funambule: everything could change for the worse in no time. I still have a strong attraction for a drastic change of life, I want to escape, leave Switzerland, start traveling, find love, give up my job, be free, disappear. This usually happens when my mind is dissatisfied about something. But then I’d give up all I have worked for in the last 6 years, all for a deep sense of dissatisfaction? Hold on a minute, I must wait; dissatisfaction, you still exist, but it’s how I perceive you that I must chance, I must thame you, every day of my life. Only then I can leave CH.

6 years ago I lost the love of my life; I let him go, I chased him away; I did a terrible thing to our relationship, to his life and to my own life; it is taking me so long to let go of Will, too long; sense of guilt, sense of losing the one true love of my life; alone in this country that is not popular for its social gatherings, a country where I have felt most lonely, so lonely it was unbearable. Sometimes it still feels super lonely, unbearable, and I would like to leave. Maybe I will, but first I have set goals, and I must comply with my goals: end depression, get the Swiss nationality, become a private pilot, move into a new home with my friends. Only then I can think of leaving.

I have met someone through my podcast. We spent some special, short moments together. Unfortunately he is taken, married, with kids, so it’s a no go for me. But it showed me that a new love is possible, and I am grateful for those moments spent with him. I am ready to find a new love, and put the big old love behind me. Step by step.

No Fluoxetine – so far so good

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I am almost through a month with 5 consecutive days off Fluoxetine. In a month, I am only taking 5 pills of 20mg Fluoxetine. In June I will go 6 days off. And after June I will stop completely. This year I have set the time right. I started reducing in February, 2 days off and 1 day on, then 3 days off and 1 day on, and 4 days off and 1 day on; I did this over the course of 3 months. Now I am off 5 days, in 2-3 weeks 6 days, and then the level of antidepressant in my body will be so low that it will be irrelevant. 20mg in 6 days is nothing. It means that the mood I produce is all natural. And this is great. Cause mood has been quite good.

Not much has changed in my life: no new love, work is up and down as in the last couple of years, some sport, not as much as I would like, some travel, definitely not as much as I would like, and I am still living in the same place. I am studying for my pilot license, and soon are the exams. I am following the psychological therapy by seeing my psychologist every 3 weeks. What is changing is the way I look at things, the way I let myself react to outside events. I can’t say I am truly happy, but most days I am serene. Once a month I feel like I want to cry, and I can’t put a finger to what triggers it. Sometimes I think it’s due to the Fluoxetine shot I take randomly (once every xx days) which must have an impact on my moods; and sometimes I relate it to the menstrual cycle and the swingy moods attached to it.

On days like today, where I tend to look ahead in time and can’t see an improvement of my work or love situation, I must make an extra effort to reduce my long term vision, not reflect today’s state with “the rest of my life” state, cause this is a dangerous thought that can lead to insatisfaction. And that is the true enemy for me. Insatisfaction. Seeing the glass empty instead of full.

So, on days like this, I’ll take some time to do an episode of my podcast, I’ll write a page of this diary, I’ll plan some good sport session, and I’ll work as if all was going in the right direction.

Summer has arrived in the North Hemisphere, and this is a huge help. I definitely look forward to the long sunny evenings, the 25 degree air temperature, and with some luck, I will meet some new nice people, and maybe love.

1 day on, 5 days off Fluoxetine

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I completely forgot about the diary for the past 6 weeks! Is it a good sign? I hope so. Not feeling the need to write when I am feeling down. I haven’t really felt down, only a few times when my mind plays tricks, trying to make me self pity for the things I don’t have. Otherwise, I am doing pretty well. Concentrating on the things I do have.

This time I timed it right: letting go Fluoxetine during spring time. Last time (2020) I stopped at the end of summer: big mistake! By the end of October I was depressed again. So, this time I am prepared, and I am taking it off little by little. I am now on one day on, 5 days off. Basically there is not much Fluoxetine in me anymore. I even wonder if it’s good to take one tablet randomly every 5 days: doesn’t it give me a strange shot? As a matter of facts, yesterday, day of Fluoxetine, I did feel tired almost all day. I had to force myself to the swimming pool. But anyway, the day went through pretty smoothly, with even two sport sessions.

I will take the month of May to do 5 days off, and then I will do 6 days. I will stop completely at the end of June. Then I will be walking completely on my feet. Yeah! I don’t want to jinx it, but it seems to be working. I am building resilience in my body and mind. I have a goal by July: I need the ok of the psychiatrist that I can do the pilot license. I want to build strength without the medicament, so I am ready for next winter. I dread autumn and winter, the darkness and the cold. That is my weakest time, I know now.

More soon.

1 day on, 2 days off Fluoxetine – first week

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I did about one week of major reduction of Fluoxetine intake: 1 day on, 2 days off. Today I felt a bit down. I don’t want to be paranoiac, but it’s a fact: every time I feel down now I relate it to the fluoxetine, or lack thereof.

Like my best friend rightfully reminded me the other day, I need to remember that everyone gets moments up and down. I can feel less motivated because of the circumstances.

Good news: my mood hasn’t worsened during the day. I feel ok tonight. I did the evening flight course, went to the gym after work, kept myself busy. The lesson was interesting. Tonight I sense that I could go another full day without fluoxetine… but I will stick to the rule. For now it is 1 day on and 2 days off. once I feel stable and confident, I will start 1 day on and 3 days off. Right now I am happy if my moods stay stable after 2 days without medicine. It’s a real success. I don’t underestimate it. The body is getting used to receiving less chemicals. It will take the time that it will take. I don’t want to rush this mega step.

Step by step.

Three weeks with half dose of Fluoxetine

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It’s March 2022. I have timed it right: start reducing Fluoxetine in spring, and give it up completely by summer. It is a process that takes as long as it takes, I think it’s quite personal. I started taking one 20mg pill every other day, and see how it feels. Once I feel I am in charge, I reduce to 1 pill every three days.

While my psychiatrist told me I could do this whole process in 3 weeks, my psychologist warned me that I must take my time. The body has been used to receiving a chemical for the last 2 years, and it’s accustomed to whatever Fluoxetine does (it inhibits the presynaptic reuptake of the neurotransmitter serotonin…there you go). Not that I understand completely what it does, but it works by inhibiting something on the serotonin level. In normal cases, I am the one inhibiting this action, but for the last 2 years I have been helped by something external.

Hence, I need to start doing that action again by myself, serotonin and all. But I won’t rush my brain to produce serotonin, while my brain has been told to ease that action for 2 years. I am taking it off little by little.

So: how am I doing?

I am doing fine, working on my psychological well being by seeing my doctor every three weeks (or more often if I need to), and three weeks have gone by where I have done one day with 20mg, one day without. The first week I got spooked, cause about 3 nights after the new dosage, I had a crying crisis, and I felt really bad, thinking that I’ll never get out of this. Then I realised that I was close to my menstrual cycle, where I am moody and sad by default (thank you, hormones!) and got relieved. Also, I think that maybe my system started feeling the lack of the medicament, and had a first reaction, just like it happened when I first started taking Fluoxetine (I felt like shit, worse than with my own depression, for about 2 weeks, before the medicine seeped in).

Yesterday I started with phase two: Since beginning of the week I had one Fluoxetine only. I am doing 1 day on, 2 days off. I just started, so I can’t tell how I feel yet. Yesterday (two days in a row without) I felt good. Today (with Fluoxetine) I feel good.

The surroundings and the actions I take to feel good are super important. I am not waiting around monitoring my moods without Fluoxetine. I am doing an hour of sport every day (gym and swim), I am doing physio to heal my knee (ski accident, season is over), I keep working (despite frustrations at work), I keep following the flight course, I keep making one podcast interview per week, I make efforts in going out with people and feeling less lonely in the Swiss environment. All this helps, not only it helps, it makes the difference. Distributing my eggs in different baskets is key: if one basket is not going well, I have another 4 or 5 that my mind can bring its attention to.

My main focus is not to fall into the self pity trap. While there are tons of things I could be unsatisfied about, there are as many things that make me happy, little things and bigger things. I am learning to give more weight to the little achievements. I tend to disregard them as a given, while the non achievements take a much larger space than they should. Lots to work on, but this year the biggest achievement of al will be getting rid of Fluoxetine. One milligram at a time.

Like the villain in a movie

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You know the villain in a movie? The guy who gives the protagonist a hard time, and throws several obstacles to counteract his life mission? Well, I had an accident that is working like a villain to my mission of healing from depression.

They say: nothing happens to you that you cannot take. I don’t agree with this, but I think we can grow strong through the hard times, it’s part of our survival code. Some don’t make it. But I will. I must, cause I love life too much.

I had a ski accident on Saturday, and have torn something in my knee. I am not able to move much, only slowly. I had to ask a neighbor to take me to the IRM, cause I live on my own. I don’t know how this is going to affect my flying classes (knowing that I need both feet to maneuver the aircraft), which adds to the other less positive elements of my present life. So I am being put to the test, exactly when I am going off medicaments. Today is end of week one, when I have taken Fluoxetine every other day, instead of every day. This week I will take it every 3 days. Next week I should get off. I still feel fine.

Work is not motivating right now, I need to basically motivate myself on many fronts: personal, sport, professional, medical. I am an individual who has always been together with someone: family first, then boyfriend, then life companion. 5 years ago this ended abruptly, so it is still fresh in my system. I function better in a couple scenario. I also live in Switzerland, which by definition is a hard place to make friends.

Yesterday I knocked at the door of my neighbor upstairs, I thought “what the hell”, I took the initiative, and I met an American lady who is very nice. Today we will have lunch together. It works, I can make it happen, but it needs motivation and determination. For now I have it.

I am taking actions, and am not letting the obstacles stop my path, for now. My next two years are set, and I want to stick to the course, even if I am not convinced by it 100%. I am not convinced that I should do the pilot license, I am not convinced that I should stay in Switzerland if I feel miserable here, I am not convinced that I should keep my job; etc. But if I look at the alternative, I don’t have one, one where I see myself happy. So I better stick to a scenario I know for now, get my Swiss citizenship, heal the knee, continue the pilot course (it’s something new to learn, always interesting), find a new place to live (I need to get out of my apartment in May), continue on this job, and see how it goes by mid-end year.

I may write more often than not, as I feel the need to express my feelings in a dangerous time of relapse.

Main goal: be rid of Fluoxetine for good, and feel good. Maybe not happy yet, but good enough to be strong without medicines. That is the key basis for everything else.