Tag: sadness

Lack of direction

diariolottatore2 Comments

My good friend Ardeshir told me he wants to make a move in his life, he is tired of wasting his talent and time. He wants to find a job, find meaning in life. I have a job and have made quite important steps in life since my depression phase. I am probably where he would like himself to be right now. And yet I do feel an emptiness, a lack of direction, which is fueling negative thoughts. I don’t feel confidence in my job at the moment, I have no product to sell, and no clear direction from the leadership. I could do so much, but the company is so undecided on what to do, and so big, that I feel overwhelmed.

Flying is another element of my life which is giving me stress. And yet, I have just re-read my last posts, where I was worried about not passing the theoretical exams, and here I am, I have passed the exams, all of them in fact (including air law!) and now I am worrying about something else. The practice. And I worry about work, and I feel lack of purpose. I have a sex friend with whom I have great sex, and yet I worry about being with him too often, because I am not in love and he is not the one. I might be wasting my time and giving him false hopes. And when will I meet the right person? Will my life be exciting again? Will there be a magic happening in my life, where I will feel excitement? etc etc etc. Just listing my thoughts, I am pissing myself off! So boring. Stop that already.

I have found a psychologist, did 4-5 sessions with him, but ended last week, because I don’t like his technique. He was listening without giving me advice, he was kind of making assumptions of how I feel, without making me feel better. For example, he would say “it is as if nothing makes you happy at this moment, not your job, not your sport activities, not your flying lessons”. Indeed, that’s it. So what now? How do I change this state?

Damn it, I don’t ever want to plunge into the dark place, ever again. Depression was sooooo bad, that I’d rather keep my job, and see how I can make it work. I’d rather go through the uncomfortable feeling that flying brings me right now, than be depressed one more day in my life. I cannot explain it, but the pain you feel when you are depressed is much grander than physical pain. But why am I feeling down again? Why is it hard to clean my room, to organise my next trip, to organise a mega party for my 50th, to simulate a flight around my sofa in the living room, to look for a different job, to make the dishes, when I don’t see the point of all that? How can I see the point and meaning of all this again?

I know I am not well when I start thinking about other people’s lives being better than mine, when I start thinking of leaving everything behind and start traveling, specifically travel on a sail boat. Then I try to picture my long term travel, and I see no happiness because I am jobless, moneyless, and I have no life partner. So I exclude this escape idea from my list, because it wouldn’t bring any long term satisfaction.

If I had 5 millions in my bank account, would I be happy? This is a 5-million-dollar question. Someone please make a wire transfer into my bank account and I’ll tell you.

Not easy, this life. Not easy when you have options. Not easy when you have had a comfortable life in the past. Not easy when you have lost the love of your life out of your own doing. But like the lady said in the Instagram article, the world is neutral, it is me who is giving it a specific color, a good or bad taste, a meaning. At the end of the month I will turn 50, and I should know better.

The idea of a diary

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My friend suggested that I write a diary about my moods, so I can re-read it after some time and gauge how things evolve; develop a sort of distant approach that allows me to see more clearly, more objectively, sometime in the future.

I never been much into diaries, and my worry is that I won’t be constant. What’s the point of writing if no one reads? If I put my diary in the drawer, for sure nobody will read it. But also, what’s the point in not writing, if It could really help me feel better? Maybe keeping a diary will help me heal from this problem I find myself in. But having a reader would help me be constant. Definitely. Writing these couple of lines feels strange already.

So, no reader hidden in my bedside drawer, I checked. No reader: no motivation. So, why don’t I make an online diary, where you, whom I don’t know, might stumble today or tomorrow upon my tales and will tune in, read, comment, be my motivation to write. Why is motivation so important? You’ll see if you stick around.

Oh, have I told you what I will write about? They call it the epidemic of the century; for years I have known it as mood swing, frustration, sadness, but never dared to call it depression, cause that word has so much medical connotation and I feel its meaning slips out of my own control and becomes something to be treated with drugs.

Why write now? Because I am smack in the middle of it, fighting with all my teeth, arms, toes, until this devastating state of mind finally leaves me for good. I am not at the end of the tunnel, so I don’t yet know the ending to my story. Which should make it interesting for you to follow. How will it end? Well, one thing I know for sure: this is a fight, and I intend to win. Life is too beautiful to waste it being sad. But man, I didn’t know how deep is the bottom.

Why online? Besides for what I wrote above, I feel it makes sense: you go to YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, there’s mostly messages and videos of happy people, and people who tell you how to be happy. But what about the myriad of us who are in a state of unhappiness? Where’s our voice? I feel being depressed is seen as a stigma. Even I have stopped posting photos of myself; and I might resume once I am happy again. Did you notice? Nobody ever published a photo of Robin Williams depressed, and yet he was. One of the most amazing comedians of our times, who made us all laugh for years, he was victim of sadness. You never see pictures of your friends on Facebook while they are having a crisis, are crying, are lonely or desperate. Nope, photos got to be happy, beautiful and taken from the perfect angle, immortalizing through a snapshot that very millisecond in which you were looking happy. But when (not “if”) you are not happy at one point in life, why don’t you want to say it? If you decide to read my diary, you will first see my sad profile, my struggle, my fight to regain motivation, and hopefully at the end of this trip, with some good luck, perseverance and help, you will know my happy self.  

So, what’s my trigger? Why am I writing a diary at 45 years of age? Because I have just done something that I never thought I would do: I have asked for help. Doctors. Medicines. Chemicals. And this, my friend, is a stepping stone. I have always fought against the idea of taking medicines, going to shrinks (strizzacervelli in Italian, brain squeezers). If it’s the body, I go to the doctor, if it’s the mind, I must control it myself. But I have come to such a low point that, apparently, my sad mood has changed the chemistry in my brain, and a week ago I started taking my first antidepressant. That is my way of saying to the world “please help me, I can’t make it by myself anymore”. I still live it as a defeat.

Ok let’s try this. I have written enough for day one.

Let me find a website where I can put my notes. I hear WordPress is a good platform, although wix.com is the first site that comes up when I search “blog”. But I learnt recently that on WordPress you can also host a podcast (I’ll explain another day why I am interested), so I’ll go with that. If you could read this note before I choose WordPress, I could read your comments, maybe you have other websites to suggest. Since today is a good day and I feel motivated (not common these days, in my world) I will take advantage of my good mood to go to that site, sign up, create an email (I wanted to name it depressionfighter at gmail, but it was already taken! So I picked wewinthisfight at gmail) and off I go. By the way, “you” are included in the “we”.

Thank you for reading. I hope you tag along. It will help me feel that I am not alone in this fight.

Today is a good day. Big step made. I created my first blog. I wrote the first note.

Podcast idea: still on the shelf. That’s coming.