Tag: routine

I am staying the course

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Wow, I haven’t written since January. This is not because I haven’t thought of depression, but probably because I have been in a state of non depression but not happy either. Super boring winter, very bad weather which by itself puts me in a bad mood. Work changes, and other things not changing fast enough at work. Feeling like I am missing out on opportunities, but at the same time I don’t want to rush things, such as finding another job, because you know what you are leaving but you don’t know what you are getting into.

I feel I need some guidance. I started seeing a psychologist, but after 5-6 sessions he was not the right fit for me. I need someone who can come up with conclusions, suggestions, actions to take. Give me good advice. It is not easy to find a good therapist. Plus I was looking online…even harder.

So, things have been OK, not super, not sad. I am glad I haven’t fallen into depression. I know spring is coming and the long days of sunshine await me. I want to think strategically about my future moves. I just turned 50, and I want to use the energy I still have to do great things. Not wait until retirement, when your energy level decreases and then you are too old to travel around and do adventurous stuff.

But it’s also difficult to find someone to travel with. I would love to find a new love of my life, for my second stage of life, someone who brings me surprise, fascination, discovery, peace of mind. Someone intelligent and achieved, who isn’t reinventing himself at 50, someone with financial stability, who isn’t worried about spending a weekend abroad due to budgetary restrictions. Someone with no strings attaached. Veeeery difficult to find.

But hey, I am healthy, I have a job, which is mostly ok, sometimes great, often angering, I have a sex friend who has upgraded to sex friend plus plus, but not boyfriend, I live in a beautiful safe country, people look at me and think I have come so far. The grass is always greener at the neighbor’s, but my grass is pretty green too. I need to remind myself to see the positive sides, and not succumb to the negative temptations. It’s easy to self pity, it’s harder to see the good in everything. Harder for me, at least.

I want this feeling of unachievement to leave my mind. And most of all I want to feel the motivation and the drive to keep going, do stuff, clean the bathroom, find a new job, interview new people for my podcast, call up customers for work, book the next flight for the holidays, be presentable to dinners, put some make up on, feel the sense in what I do, even when it feels so boringly routine.

Familiarity

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It’s been way too long since my last post. A lot has happened. First I went on holiday. It was really good. I have thrown away cell phone, laptop, and all I did was eat, sleep and swim in the sea. Second I finished my antidepressant. Yeah! 4 September 2020 is the first day off Fluoxetin. In June I had gotten prescribed half dosage for 3 months, meaning 10mg instead of 20mg, and then basta, give it up and see how it goes. My spirits are high, I am rejuvenated from the holidays and I like my job. It’s a good start to test my time off medicaments.

What I would really like to highlight here, is that I think familiarity was really key to this whole process. Alain de Botton says this about love. Have you heard any of his conferences? You can check Ted Talk. Great guy, a philosopher with lots of knowledge and a great look at modernity through the eyes of the Greek philosophers. He basically says that when we fall in love it is usually with people that don’t make us feel necessarily good, but familiar, as we unconsciously seek for the feelings we are familiar with. “We chase after more exciting others, not in the belief that life with them will be more harmonious, but out of an unconscious sense that it will be reassuringly familiar in its patterns of frustration.” (quote from one of his books, see it here). Sounds like a side track to my story, but it all makes sense to me! I had a great time at the beach in Italy, 2 weeks of bliss, without doing anything special, but I was at the campground where I have spent most of my summers since my first year of age. And that’s the recipe: I needed familiarity, I needed to go back to what I know and am accustomed to, the love of my parents, a routine, etc. Four years ago, when my life changed for what I thought was the worst, this is what I was seeking all along, without exactly knowing. When I left W., the love of my life, I was going in this direction, but I couldn’t see it then. I went through hell, to get where I am now; I had to leave him in order to find me. I had lost me on the way, I wasn’t feeling the earth under my feet. I had to go back to what was familiar; stay in one place, refind balance, finding a routine… all things I have despised for the last 20 years.

And here I am now, four years after moving back to Switzerland, leaving W., changing jobs, coming closer to my hometown (1’000 km instead of 9’000 km), having a stable job, paying retirement insurance, saving money to buy a house, visiting friends a few km from my place in Geneva, etc. I didn’t have to give up W., but that’s what it took in my case; I miss him dearly every damn day of the year, since 4 years; he doesn’t want to talk to me, 14 years together, and I threw that away; and he didn’t pick it up for us. He let us go as much as I did. But that’s another story. For another post.

I am happy and serene. Gained 4 kilo, but am sort of pleased by the extra “ciccia” :-). I want to get back in shape, it will come. For now I look at my belly and I smile. Abundance is welcome, also in the flesh. Anything, but not depression. Ok, no cancer either, thank you.

Routine

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May 15, four nights ago, was my first business night out since the COvid 19 lockdown started. My first day in lockdown was Monday 16 March 2020. Exactly 60 days of isolation.

It feels good to be in a hotel again, having dinner at the restaurant downstairs, taking a shower in a new bathroom, with great showerhead by the way! The bed was super comfy… And yes, there’s a “but”.

During my 8-week lockdown in Switzerland, I have been able to work on myself in ways I haven’t done before. The forced isolation, having no one around to influence me (positively or negatively), being faced to myself and myself only, allowed me to build my day the way I felt was good for me. I adjusted my sleeping patterns, rhythming my day and night according to my own internal body clock; I have developed and enjoyed routines, things I do every day almost exactly the same time in the same way. Want to know?

Between 5 and 6 am I wake up. I go out to the balcony and have a walk around, looking for the position of the big dipper which shows me what time it is; then I go back to bed and I meditate for 30 minutes sitting upright on the mattress (the breathing mantra, remember? I am exploring Bahya Kumbhaka right now). After meditation I prepare breakfast, it takes me about 30 minutes because it is my favorite meal of the day. I enjoy the process, and watching the news to stay up to date on Coronavirus and other world news. Then day starts. Mid way I take 15 minute break and do exercise for the eyes (the laptop screen is killing me!). And I also take time to cook, that is a new routine I have been enjoying. A Whatsapp chat with my parents back in Rome, some yoga at 7pm with my friends in Italy; oh yes, 15 minute planck at 8h10am with M., my best friend, via Zoom :-). That is the COvid routine. I enjoy it so much that I want to keep doing it after lockdown is over.

My neighbor friend who has a baby daughter of 2 years of age, read that a baby needs routine to grow happy and serene. During COvid she has been a much happier baby for instance, since mom and dad were at home, and they have developed a daily routine with her (from eating to walking to doing some chores, etc). I asked my friend to give me some literature about this link between happy child and routine. So I searched “baby routine brings happy adult” and I found a website which has an article that describes how happiness is mostly a habit. “We all know that some of us tend to be more upbeat than others. Part of this is inborn, just the fate of our genes that give us a happier mood. But much of our mood is habit” (see the related article: Teaching Your Child the Art of Happiness). Wow, I had not thought about this. And it’s so true.

Long story short: before I left for Interlaken on Thursday, I had decided I would continue the routine, even outside of my COvid nest, so I brought things with me that would help me with that, including my eye drops, cream for the body, the cerchietto (hairband) which I use when I start working at the laptop (cause my hair gets in my eyes), the omega oils I take at breakfast, the Freitag headset to listen to the youtube mantra, etc. I have to tweak a few things, but we can be flexible, right? For example, at this hotel breakfast is only at 8h30 – due to Coronavirus – My breakfast at home is around 5h30-6h00, so it’s almost 3 hours of difference, but it’s ok, I can do other things in between. Back home now, and I have missed it, I must say. It was great to be out and about, and I am glad it’s over.

I like my routine, I will keep doing it, even after lockdown. It will take more effort, but the good it does to me is unmeasurable and priceless.