Tag: reducing antidepressants

No Fluoxetine – so far so good

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I am almost through a month with 5 consecutive days off Fluoxetine. In a month, I am only taking 5 pills of 20mg Fluoxetine. In June I will go 6 days off. And after June I will stop completely. This year I have set the time right. I started reducing in February, 2 days off and 1 day on, then 3 days off and 1 day on, and 4 days off and 1 day on; I did this over the course of 3 months. Now I am off 5 days, in 2-3 weeks 6 days, and then the level of antidepressant in my body will be so low that it will be irrelevant. 20mg in 6 days is nothing. It means that the mood I produce is all natural. And this is great. Cause mood has been quite good.

Not much has changed in my life: no new love, work is up and down as in the last couple of years, some sport, not as much as I would like, some travel, definitely not as much as I would like, and I am still living in the same place. I am studying for my pilot license, and soon are the exams. I am following the psychological therapy by seeing my psychologist every 3 weeks. What is changing is the way I look at things, the way I let myself react to outside events. I can’t say I am truly happy, but most days I am serene. Once a month I feel like I want to cry, and I can’t put a finger to what triggers it. Sometimes I think it’s due to the Fluoxetine shot I take randomly (once every xx days) which must have an impact on my moods; and sometimes I relate it to the menstrual cycle and the swingy moods attached to it.

On days like today, where I tend to look ahead in time and can’t see an improvement of my work or love situation, I must make an extra effort to reduce my long term vision, not reflect today’s state with “the rest of my life” state, cause this is a dangerous thought that can lead to insatisfaction. And that is the true enemy for me. Insatisfaction. Seeing the glass empty instead of full.

So, on days like this, I’ll take some time to do an episode of my podcast, I’ll write a page of this diary, I’ll plan some good sport session, and I’ll work as if all was going in the right direction.

Summer has arrived in the North Hemisphere, and this is a huge help. I definitely look forward to the long sunny evenings, the 25 degree air temperature, and with some luck, I will meet some new nice people, and maybe love.

Three weeks with half dose of Fluoxetine

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It’s March 2022. I have timed it right: start reducing Fluoxetine in spring, and give it up completely by summer. It is a process that takes as long as it takes, I think it’s quite personal. I started taking one 20mg pill every other day, and see how it feels. Once I feel I am in charge, I reduce to 1 pill every three days.

While my psychiatrist told me I could do this whole process in 3 weeks, my psychologist warned me that I must take my time. The body has been used to receiving a chemical for the last 2 years, and it’s accustomed to whatever Fluoxetine does (it inhibits the presynaptic reuptake of the neurotransmitter serotonin…there you go). Not that I understand completely what it does, but it works by inhibiting something on the serotonin level. In normal cases, I am the one inhibiting this action, but for the last 2 years I have been helped by something external.

Hence, I need to start doing that action again by myself, serotonin and all. But I won’t rush my brain to produce serotonin, while my brain has been told to ease that action for 2 years. I am taking it off little by little.

So: how am I doing?

I am doing fine, working on my psychological well being by seeing my doctor every three weeks (or more often if I need to), and three weeks have gone by where I have done one day with 20mg, one day without. The first week I got spooked, cause about 3 nights after the new dosage, I had a crying crisis, and I felt really bad, thinking that I’ll never get out of this. Then I realised that I was close to my menstrual cycle, where I am moody and sad by default (thank you, hormones!) and got relieved. Also, I think that maybe my system started feeling the lack of the medicament, and had a first reaction, just like it happened when I first started taking Fluoxetine (I felt like shit, worse than with my own depression, for about 2 weeks, before the medicine seeped in).

Yesterday I started with phase two: Since beginning of the week I had one Fluoxetine only. I am doing 1 day on, 2 days off. I just started, so I can’t tell how I feel yet. Yesterday (two days in a row without) I felt good. Today (with Fluoxetine) I feel good.

The surroundings and the actions I take to feel good are super important. I am not waiting around monitoring my moods without Fluoxetine. I am doing an hour of sport every day (gym and swim), I am doing physio to heal my knee (ski accident, season is over), I keep working (despite frustrations at work), I keep following the flight course, I keep making one podcast interview per week, I make efforts in going out with people and feeling less lonely in the Swiss environment. All this helps, not only it helps, it makes the difference. Distributing my eggs in different baskets is key: if one basket is not going well, I have another 4 or 5 that my mind can bring its attention to.

My main focus is not to fall into the self pity trap. While there are tons of things I could be unsatisfied about, there are as many things that make me happy, little things and bigger things. I am learning to give more weight to the little achievements. I tend to disregard them as a given, while the non achievements take a much larger space than they should. Lots to work on, but this year the biggest achievement of al will be getting rid of Fluoxetine. One milligram at a time.

15 feb 2022: first day off meds

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Since last year I have been preparing for this day: getting off Fluoxetine. I spoke about it with my psychologist, and on 15 Feb with my psychiatrist, ’cause it’s her who needs to give the go ahead. And so she did. She asked me (to confirm) if I was feeling good, strong and self confident. I sort of am, I have had stronger times last year, when work was going well and I wasn’t doubting my skills. Today I feel good, not “happy” but good enough to give it a go. And I have a concrete reason to do this right now: I want to succeed at my flight school. They won’t let me fly if I am on antidepressants (makes sense). This means that I won’t be able to pass the medical test until months after I quit. The psy said that I will be able to pass the medical exam by July, by then there’s nothing more in my system and I will be stable in my moods. I will do that.

How does it work? I take one tablet every other day on week 1; then one every 3 days on week 2, and by week 3 I stop. Yesterday I didn’t take it. Today I did. Tomorrow I won’t. Spirits are quite high (despite the shitty weather). I am working it out: as soon as some negative thoughts come in (which they do constantly) I acknowledge them but let them go, just like meditation. However, I haven’t been able to sustain meditation sessions over the years, I just find it too numbing in a way, I prefer to have my eyes open and deal with my reality with all my senses. Kudos for those who can meditate, I envy them.

I am definitely scared about letting go of Fluoxetine, no doubt about that; however, I have never gained any benefit from being scared or worried, it just makes things more difficult. So, how about I put aside fear and worry, and let things evolve?

Stay the course, stay the course. Your objective is: by 2024 get Swiss nationality, live in a new home, be a pilot, stay off meds, and keep working at the same company. It’s a big objective for the next 24 months, but feasible, and it gives me reason to be here in Switzerland, and justify the hard times when I say “what the hell am I doing here”.

I am going to better weigh the significance of positive events in my life. Instead of undermining them and taking them for granted, I will pause, observe them and rejoice for every single positive drop in the ocean. It will counterbalance the negative drops that my brain so easily fuels into my body.

Also, 20mg of psychotropes a day, how much can it really be impacting on my whole body? Last night I had dinner with a friend who is taking much more than that. And after 3 years he is still stuck with them, his psychiatrist doesn’t want him to get off meds. Mine does. So that’s in itself a victory. I am ready to let go. My body is. 20mg: goodbye. I will replace it with another 20mg of self induced good mood. Like in the good old days.

Wish me luck!

Anger

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This week has been hard at work, plus it’s been two months since reducing Fluoxetin to 10mg a day, plus we had full moon on Monday and I started my period, with the mood swings that evince. Whichever element has had an impact on my mood this week, I don’t know. All I know is that this week I have been very, very angry. I am angry for the injustice that I am experiencing at work, and this anger makes me fuel more anger towards all the injustices I received during my life, big disappointments such as my sister in law. As if work and family weren’t enough, I think of other reasons why to be angry, and I am really angry. It’s as if I were searching for reasons to be angry. In my mind I go over ways to revenge each and every injustice, I make a film in my head where I have a conversation with my colleague, or with my sister in law L., and I go over and over and over through it in my head until I am satisfied of the outcome. Although the outcome is never satisfying, cause it’s just a preparation of what I want to tell these people in person. Then I could be really satisfied. Explode in front of them, tell them what I think of their miserable life, where they are so weak they have to find in someone else the reason of their deep rooted dissatisfaction. L. was left by my brother because of another woman (and many other reasons), and now she stopped talking to me and my parents, while she still speaks to her husband. Why are we to blame?

Yesterday I was so angry that I cried during the entire meditation session. I tried to stick to the breathing mantra, but yesterday my thoughts were overwhelming. This morning I didn’t even try to meditate; I woke up angry making films in my head again. Darn. What is it? Why am I so angry? Is it the effect of Fluoxetin? Is it the menstrual mood swings? Is it the real injustice I face at work, where this woman is jealous of me and my achievements? Is it what Dr. G., my psychologist says, that I have a fascination for dissatisfaction? Is it maybe also the frustration during my whole life of wanting to be good to people and doing efforts and sacrifices towards them that are misunderstood and not gratified as I deserve?

I don’t know. I just know that I want to write it down, so I can read this when I am less angry and make a “cold blood” analysis (a sangue freddo) of all of this.

I realise I care too much about what people think of me, I want everyone to love me, like I love everyone. I see life in pink, others don’t, but how can I act so that instead of them dragging me down to their dark world, I lift them up to my rose world? That again goes back to how we see the glass, it’s either half full or half empty. And why should they succeed in making me see the glass empty instead of full? How can I make them see the full side?

So my anger, I think, comes from the many years’ frustration of subsiding to others’ bad tempers and moods, just because I am able to adapt myself to others, I am flexible, understanding and ….. well THE HELL with all that! Today I am me, I regain my own dignity and right to be me, and others have to model their own behaviour to fit mine, and not the other way round, FOR ONCE. The hell with L., who has been jealous for years of my great relationship to my brother, and now that they are separated, she blames me and my family for being the source of her bad luck, well, I have a lot to say about that and about her. To hell with Trump, to hell with my colleague who feels threatened because I work well, to hell with everybody who is not strong enough to face me. I will no longer lower my intelligence for the sake of others. This has hurt me over the years, and I think more and more that this has been one major element leading to my depression.

Like Claire Underwood said at the end of season five: My turn now.

Control your emotions

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I have not written in over 15 days. I have been thinking a lot about the diary, and I made notes in my calendar of what I was going to write next. Work has been overwhelming, as we started going out again, visit customers, and going abroad. But despite the more hectic schedule, I have managed to always meditate in the morning. I do it as I wake up. Mornings are when I have most thoughts coming through my head, and I process what happened the day (or days) before and I do my list for the day. This list promptly shows itself while I am breathing through my mantra, and I try to not put attention to this list, but rather to let go my thoughts, as meditation teaches. Not easy, Especially these days, when I find myself being very excited about work – amazing if you think that in December I was ready to quit.

I am presently charged with positive emotions, sometime I am so excited and happy that I want to burst. If I think back only 6 months ago, my emotions were loaded with negative guns, firing up through my stomach, head brain and Agata brain suffering (see Agata here). Negative then, positive now; I’d rather burst of joy than of sadness, that is 100% sure. But I think of ways to protect myself from falling down into the abyss of depression, and for this reason I want to control my emotions, even when they are extra positive. Meditation helps me in the morning. And breathing consciously during the day.

I often think of my boss these days, He is a charismatic, young and ambitious man who has managed to create a great innovative company from scratch over a decade ago. I am working more and more on international projects and often happens that I sit with him, and the creative juices start pouring from both our heads. He is very inspiting and smart, and I feel excited and stimulated by his intelligence, and feel that we are on the same wavelength. This shoots in my vains the equivalent of 20mg of Fluoxetin per day, making my day and week better. I feel the seratonin going crazily well, and I want this to never end. But, I have to be very careful, to not make a yoyo out of this. Too happy today, too sad tomorrow. No way. Plus I need to remember that I have halved the dose of Fluoxetin, it’s been almost a month now, and so far so damn good. I don’t want to mess up my good work. That is why I want to control my positive emotions, so that I know how to control my negative ones one day. It is super important.

By reducing the level of excitement for things happening today, such as a good deal made with a client, a beautiful sunny day out with my family, a hike in the mountains etc, I know that I will preserve my newly found self, and will be ready for the gloomier days in life. Cause those are part of our life, it’s not always happy moment, it’s difficult ones, and the only difference it makes in me is how I deal with them. Half full or half empty glass. I choose the full.

10mg

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I am back in Rome for a week. My mom had an urgent surgery due to a hernia that was pushing against the root of the nerve (L4 level), and caused her tremendous pain plus was preventing electric impulse from flowing in her left leg. Bref, as we say in French, I had to rush down to Italy from Lausanne, which was not easy, since COvid measures are still not totally relaxed between countries, and I had to start a sort of pilgrimage to the holy city, which entailed taking the train from Zurich to Chiasso, walk to the Italian border with a big luggage, the laptop bag and a plant for my mom, catch a bus to Como station, and jump on a train hoping it would lead me to Milano Centrale. Almost, it took me to Porta Garibaldi, a few metro stations from my destination. I slept in Milan at an Airbnb, and at 6am the next morning I took the Frecciarossa train to Rome. It took me almost 24h to get there.

A few days earlier I had asked my psychiatrist to reduce Fluoxetin. As I said in another post, the self isolation time has helped me work on myself, and do mental exercises that have helped me get stronger, and feel that my core happiness that I am regaining is due more and more to me and not to the medicament. He agreed to reduce from 20mg to 10mg. Big step for me. I was worried about the consequences, and the effects or side effects it would have on me. I am still very careful, and am being vigilant to the mood shifts I may have. I started 10mg on 5 June, and today is 15 June. Already ten days.

I can’t tell what exactly is the effect of the reduction, but I can certainly tell that my stomach is adjusting to the new intake. I was taking another brand of Fluoxetin, which was in gel capsules (with powder inside), and I had to change it to another brand (solid tablets) because I need to cut the tablet in two (there is no 10mg pill, at least in CH). I can tell that my stomach has been burning during the day, and I am sure it is because of this change. So, that is clear.

What is less clear is whether the reduction is making me more angry, or whether it is my hormonal state. It so happens that I started the reduction just as I was about to have my period. I take Estrogens and Progesterone regularly because in the past years I had started having less and less menstruation (at about 42), as if I were in pre-menopause. I know now that this pre or peri-menopause is due to the stress my mind and soul found themselves in, a slow process towards depression that has blocked my body functions. Just like a high level sportswoman who has no more menstruation because of the strain the training has on her body.

In the past 4-5 days I have found myself angrier, and more “delicate”. I love this word, delicate, Roy from “The IT Crowd” very cutely says it at the episode called “Aunt Irma”. You have to watch this : Series 1 Episode 6 . Hilarious. So, yes, I think I am sensitive because of my period, but my period started and didn’t continue at this round, so that’s another story. I am guessing that I have been hormonally challenged, and on top of that work has been exciting yet stressful, a lot to think about and to follow up on; couple that with the long journey to Rome and the worry that the surgeon might injure my mom even more, I was ready to kill somebody 3 days ago! I didn’t literally kill, but I was very vocal with my words, and found myself being angry at every little thing that was happening to me, all the more when the little thing was against my self. Example: a colleague who didn’t want to help me at work, or the train manager who didn’t want me to get on the train; the lady at the Airbnb who was not talkative and was rather dry (she did her job though, handed me the keys to the room and showed me the kitchen), but I wanted her to be more lovely, just like I am with my guests at home.

Bref…. (long story short), here I am in Rome, I finally made it. My mom had her surgery, she is fine and now I will work from Rome remotely, nursing my mother and giving my father a break. They are getting old. I still don’t know whether my mood swing towards anger had to do with the 10mg, or with my period. Maybe a bit of both? I will monitor the situation and will revert asap.

More soon.

Recipe for Happiness

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Happiness to me is the conditio sine qua non in life. It’s not very clear what happiness is, and how we measure it. I have been trying during my life to understand what makes me happy and what makes me sad, and I have associated often a place to a happy moment, or maybe a happy moment to a place.

I often wondered if my gauge for happiness was the same as in other people, or to all people. The same goes for pain. Let me explain. When I have had moments of full bliss, happiness, plenitude, abundance, or whatever we want to label it, it felt amazing, and nothing more could make me feel better – I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. If I think of such moment in the past, my memory brings me back to when I was in New Zealand with W. (the love of my life, haven’t talked much about him yet); it was July 1 2005, and I labeled that day as the best day of my life. I have had other best days before and after, but this one in particular stands out. We had ventured into a farmland the day before, we had parked our rental Britz van near a sheep farm, had made a lovely breakfast in the morning, with lots of things from a local store called …. Mmm can’t remember (Hackleberry’s maybe?); we did our first sheep shearing of our lives, took some lanolin straight from the sheep’s cut wool, and ventured off into this wild NZ land full of magnificent colours, rivers, etc. When I told W. that it was my best day, we were staring together at the vast spaces of New Zealand and we were closely wrapping in each other’s arms amazed with the beauty of that land. That was a happy moment that I will always remember. A moment that lasted many days actually, and months, and years, as W. and I were traveling around the world.

Now, when I think of the happiness of another person, I wonder if he or she would feel the same level of happiness, and if so, in which conditions. I mean, was my feeling of happiness on July 1st the highest a person can feel? Does a woman somewhere else in this planet, at this moment, feel the same level of happiness doing what she does love most? Could I be more “happy”? If so, how? The point is actually not whether I can be happier, but how I measure my happiness compared to others, and if my state of bliss staring at the sheep farm is the same bliss another person, with another character and history, feels when driving his/her favourite car. Is it the same happiness a grandmother feels when she spends one day with her nephew? Is it the same bliss Elon Musk feels when he sees his first shuttle take off? Or Armstrong and Aldrin when their foot first touched the moon? So, is happiness relative or absolute? Do I need my neighbor’s Ferrari to feel the same amount of happiness he feels when riding it? And is my joy higher than his, when I am hiking a mountain, or I am kitesurfing in a turquoise waters? Do I need to envy other people’s happiness? Cause that’s the feeling I get when I watch TV.

Same for pain : was my surgical pain last year the highest a man or woman can endure ?

I am still looking for a way to gauge happiness levels. Because if it were measurable, we could possibly help each other being happier. No? It’s a difficult task. I am open to suggestions.

Back to happiness, why am I saying this today? Because I am preparing for the month of June, when I am going to reduce the intake of Fluoxetin (Prozac). I have a meeting with my psychiatrist (the jolly Congolese guy) on 4 June and I will ask him if he is ok with me reducing the antidepressant. I want to do it during summertime, when it’s nice out, the days are long and sunny, the air is warm and everything is alive. I don’t want to do it in autumn, which per se is depressant to me. I know, many people love autumn, I don’t like it, despite the beautiful colours (Quebec has some of the best landscapes in the fall, check it out, I have been there, wow). It’s been 6 months since I started taking antidepressants, and I feel good, very good. I think I can start move away from them. I am scared, I admit, because I can’t tell how much my good state of mind is due to medicine at this very moment, and how much is due to my self-training (meditation, routine, enjoying work, doing sport, yoga, buying new plants…).

So I want to pack in as much as info as possible on myself, and in what conditions, when and how much I am happy. During my preparation to less Fluoxetin, I am appreciating some down moments, like the little “fight” I had with my friend M., which brought me back to negative moments. It was good to be reminded what bad moments feel like. I managed to revert those bad feelings into positive, by thinking of something I like, by not letting her bad mood affect me, and by being more “egoistic” towards my own feelings (translation: I value my own state of being more that hers, what’s important right now is that I feel good). I stay away from negativity. It helps.