Tag: psychologist

Take action before it’s late

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Dr. G., my psychologist, said one thing that struck me, and that I will forever remember. He said it in such a natural and unassuming way that it resonated clearly in me. He said “you have a certain fascination for dissatisfaction”. And I realised, it’s true. Why? Because when I was at the beginning of the practice, I used to tell him my story, stories, thoughts, fears, anxieties, long story short, I was a mess and he was my punching ball. The thoughts I was sharing with him were initially, say, 99% negative, sad, hopeless; as the medicine was starting to have effect, I started to relax more, the problems in my mind were taking more distance from me, and I tried to see more positive; he was telling me that I had to shift the way I see my reality, and make it work for me. Not easy, as I initially interpreted this recommendation as a way to say “be contented with what you got, that’s all there is, resign yourself to the reality”. Which, in other terms, meant for me “you are a failure, pal, you have messed up, lost the love of your life, never got to finish one thing, are back in a country where you feel trapped, just accept it and find happiness in what you can get”. That’s what I was thinking, and that feeling of dissatisfaction and forced resignation fueled my depressive state. I had such a clog in my stomach every time I was thinking what I was missing in the world, while others were living the life of their dreams, why not me, and yet I am a smart person. Etcetera, etcetera.

Oh, if I recall these thoughts my mood becomes more grey. So I won’t linger too much today, and I will say why I am mentioning this now, months after it happened. First because I want to remember how bad depression felt, and remember to always compare those moments with my moments today; that sadness with today’s serenity, and I’d dare to say, even happiness. I am happy with myself right now. It has only taken me a few months to feel this way. And that’s the other reason why I am mentioning my sad memories. It took me 4 months more or less to feel good again, like I have not felt in years. This is, and I am sure of it, thanks to the medical help I received. I was too low to get back up on my own. BUT! It doesn’t have to be this way. and I am here to warn whoever is reading these notes, whether it is today, 9 May 2020, or in 5 years, or in 20 years. If I had listened to the signs sooner, I would have been able to heal on my own. There is no need for medical chemicals, and I am pretty sure of it. My mother had warned me several times prior to my deepest depression in November. She told me years before, that I should go see someone. Initially she meant a psychologist, and when things got really bad, she advised I go to a psychiatrist. She meant good for me, but I always thought that the mind is something we can control, unlike a broken arm, a heart attack or a kidney infection. We go to the doctor whenever one of our organs hurts; we visit clinics and hospitals way too much even, but whenever the head is concerned, it becomes a taboo, at least in my culture and family environment. So I always felt that going to see a “shrink” meant a defeat, cause I wasn’t able to take care of my own thoughts. Today, 5 months after my biggest (and last!) depression phase, I am glad I listened to my mother – and I know she is glad too.

Each of us goes through his or her own life the way we deem right. We all want to be happy, right? We all want to feel those great sensations that we associate to words such as satisfaction, victory, love, happiness, serenity; I don’t feel good when I hurt somebody, or am hurt, or when I see people murdered on TV, or when a client doesn’t close my deal. There’s some strong feelings in our stomach, in our guts (and I know that Agata has a brain – who the heck is Agata ?). Well, I haven’t listened enough, and am only starting now, because I am in survival mode and will do anything to beat the beast, which is my depression. But it doesn’t have to wait until this late, so if you are reading this and feel depressed, but think you can make it on your own, start taking measures. I took up meditation . It’s soooo good. Can’t believe I didn’t do it until my forties. For you it might be something else. Take action before it’s late. Trust yourself.

Speak soon.

Flashbacks to depression

diariolottatoreLeave a comment

It feels so long ago that I was depressed, and today I feel so good, even despite Covid isolation, that has forced me (and almost everyone else on the planet) to stay at home for at least 4 weeks (I am in my fifth week as I write this page). However I often flashback to the days of sadness and desperation, not because I like to relive that pain, but because I want to make sure I won’t feel it in the future.

I tend to forget easily, my memory is really poor (it has always been), I am happy now and I am forgetting how I felt only 4 months ago; in truth, I also forget what I ate last week, what I did at my birthday last year, and forget the wrong that others have done to me in the past (that’s probably why I easily forgive, I forget how bad a wrongdoing, a betrayal or a moral punch felt). That is why during this Coronavirus pandemic, as I find myself alone at home, I have all the time in the world to dedicate to myself and to rhythm my daily hours the way I feel is good for me; during this daily pace I sometimes look back at how I felt four months ago, how unmotivated I was to get out of bed, how every single thing felt like the biggest hurdle to me, even washing the dishes, getting the laundry downstairs, feeling any reason why I should do anything. Today I look at these feelings and observe them from my stronger self, I feel good enough (really good actually) to use this upbeat time and analyse how I let these negative emotions overcome me four months ago; I feel I am gathering all munitions I can to fight back, the day I should have a down moment again.

I know depression is not over, I know this process is long. It took me years to become depressed, I am expecting to take months and years to feel strong in my core again, like I was at 20-25 years old, when the world was mine to conquer. This exercise of looking back at sad and depressive feelings is a very good exercise for me; and I recently told G. (my psychologist), so he can help me figure out some things when I am too close to the object of study (=me) and can’t see the forest from the trees. I am consciously taking action to help my most inner consciousness heal.

I have a renewed admiration for psychologists, their work is so important in our modern society, I had underestimated the need for a mind specialist, someone who treats your thoughts as part of physical body. What a difficult job to choose, I mean, the mind is so complex, more than an arm, or even the heart, and I am realising this more and more as I explore myself during the healing process. Incredible that only four months ago I could not force myself out of bed, even if I wanted to. Someone else inside me was bringing me down, keeping me low, sad, negative, self-pitying for all the bad things that happened to me, and that I let happen. Today not only I get out of bed at the crack of dawn, but I have a long list of things I want to do during the day, and the day is not enough to do everything I want, not even during isolation. It is fantastic that I feel like this again, and I know that a lot is due to my medicaments, so now I want to take responsibility for my own well being, and am going to take any action necessary to replace the chemical medicine with my own natural serotonin and dopamine (and whichever other hormone makes us happy, satisfied and on top of the world).