Tag: Prozac

Apero with a clinical psychologist

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Yesterday I met with a lady who lives in the same city as me. A common friend recommended that I meet her as she can be a good guest for my podcast. So I did. She is a clinical psychologist. It was very nice to talk to her. She is very calm, very empathetic, she loves her job; we were not talking as doctor/patient, but as two friends. I really like her from a human point of view, and she likes me too. We could become good friends in the future.

Restaurant terraces just reopened in Switzerland, so we decided to meet at the bar on the city center square. It was very nice, despite the cold (14 degrees in mid May!). We had a drink and chatted about her life mostly, as I wanted to know what topics I am going to interview her about.

It was great to hear the perspective of a psychologist, to be on the other side for once. She doesn’t know that I have suffered from depression, and I was genuinely interested in knowing what she thinks about the “disease”. She pretty much confirmed what I already knew. But then she also said something I didn’t quite realise or know before: the end of one of her sentences was “people live with their depression”. I forget what came before these words, I can’t remember if she said that psychologists help people live with their depression, or that it is hard for people to live with their depression; the only thing that hit me, like a cold shower, was “living with your depression”. What? Doesn’t depression heal at one point? Well, yesterday I learnt that in some cases it doesn’t; that in some cases you live with it all your life. I also learnt that there are seasonal depressions (at the beginning of winter for example), and there are one-off depressions.

I knew that you can heal depression with psychological sessions, and it will go away, if it’s not more serious. In my case, in December 2019, I had come to a point where external help was not enough: friends, family, a behavioral therapist could not help me get out of it, so I was prescribed a medicament, Fluoxetin (Prozac for the Hollywood lovers). So I took it for 6 months, then reduced the dose by half, and after 9 months I quit; depression came back (smart me, I quit just before beginning of autumn…) and by December I had to start again, cause I was crying for no reason.

So now I wonder: will I have to take antidepressants forever? I certainly don’t want that. This is what this diary is about, to tell my story of how I defeat depression. And by defeat I mean get off drugs and be happy on my own again.

I am serene, happy, distanced from trouble right now. I feel good. I know it’s the medicine. But I am also doing lots of stuff right: a podcast, working well on my job, thinking of taking a pilot license, doing sports, meeting new friends, being social; in a nutshell, diversify my egg basket. This is a baggage of goodies that I will find at the end of my medicinal tunnel. I am building strength from inside, so that I am strong again when the serotonin and dopamine won’t be any longer injected chemically in me.

Bad dream

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In a previous post I was writing about my dreaming pattern during the treatment with Fluoxetin (or Prozac, as they call the main brand). I have had a dream last night, which I started remembering while meditating (I meditate shortly after I wake up), and the dream was not a good one. It made me feel bad. What I dreamt is that I was depressed and had no will power to get up and do things. I dreamt of my ex boyfriend, A., the one who left me because he was not in love with me; I think I also dreamt of W., but I am not sure. The dreams were more vivid a month or two ago.

The phenomenon I was describing in the dream post reoccurred also in last night’s dream: I went to Geneva to pick up a box from a friend, and I revisited the places where I have been with A., and that made me feel uncomfortable. Not sad or depressed, but almost. I could manage my feelings and I felt them as if they were being observed by me from afar. I guess this is due to the effect of the antidepressant.

But at night, when my conscious guard was lower, and my subconscious had free roaming space, I have shuffled the day experience into negative thoughts, depression and unmotivated behaviour. It didn’t feel good. The good thing about this is, it was a dream, and I have snapped out of it. A look at the sky, a walk through my apartment (remember, it’s still COvid isolation time), and my reality looked much better than the dreamt one.

Before my healing process, the situation was reverted: the reality was a nightmare, I felt completely desperate, no reason to live, no joy in anything I did during the day, not even sport or yoga, which make me feel good in a normal condition; all I wanted is to sleep and dream of a happy moment for me. Anything that would help me not feel I was dying. Thank goodness, now the situation is the exact opposite: the dream is the less interesting (or even uncomfortable) part of my life, and the awake time is good. And yet I want to understand how to change my dreams. After all, we sleep for one third of our time on Earth, so sleeping and dreaming is an essential part of who we are. If uncomfort or desperation are still lingering there, in my dreams, with negative thoughts surfacing while I am sleeping, it means that depression is not over. Depression is sleeping, it’s being doped, and it’s looking for a weak moment to take possession of my awake time.

This is a fight, and I intend to win. I am already winning. Stay tough. Life is good.