ça y est – as they say in French. Monday 12 October 2020, after 9 months of finally feeling normal and serene, I had a relapse. I woke up in the morning and an overwhelming, irresistible, unavoidable feeling of depression pervaded my whole mind and body. I was petrified, scared and thought “oh no please, not this”. It isn’t over, and if I don’t take precautions, depression will resume. Why? Boh, I can’t quite capture why last Monday I started crying as if there is no tomorrow. I recognised that invasive feeling that pulls the plug off any motivation that you have in your body; I don’t know, although I can reflect on it, why I felt helpless on that Monday morning, and not the evening before.

Let’s see. The day before I was talking to my friend A., and he was giving me advice on how to negotiate my salary with my CEO; this is something that is tormenting me, as I don’t like to negotiate my salary and conditions, but at the same time I know I am being underpaid for what I bring to the company; so, there’s that point. Another thing that was going on in the last days was the amount of work adding up to my desk, important deals to make, the pressure of sales, and two big customers who are complaining about contracts and price lists; I felt all this weighing on my shoulders; another element is weather: going towards winter, the cold has already started, the days are getting shorter and I simply hate autumn, as it is the prelude to the darkest and coldest time of the year in Europe, it is rainy, it is basically the perfect prelude to depression. And I knew that: winter is no good time to stop antidepressants; that’s why I had decided to reduce Fluoxetin in June, and then cut off in August, which is still in summer. But I didn’t consider that it takes time for the body to adjust to the new life without drugs. Anyway, I did the best I could, all things considered.

One thing I noticed when I was taking the drug, is a sort of layer of pleasant detachment from peak emotions that Fluoxetin gave me; I felt as though the problems were far away, not touching me as they usually would; so I felt more in peace, more detached and neutral to the events in life; I guess that now that I am “me” without drugs, this layer is slowly fading and I am exposed to the real feel of those emotions, especially the ones that are negative, like stress, fear of rejection, jealousy, anxiety. I want to stay strong, and am taking action: I resumed meditation, I try to do half hour in the evening, and half hour in the morning; then I took up sport again, which is great, as it gives me physical strength and keeps my mind focused. Then I try to have more social life, which in Switzerland is not given… and then I strive to do one thing at a time, which for me is difficult, but I make an effort, so I don’t feel overwhelmed and I don’t panic.

That’s what it is! I panicked, too many negative thoughts were coming to me in the last days leading to Monday, and I lost it. One thought at a time is the deal. I’ll make the best out of this circumstance.

But man, was that scary. It was a clear reminder that depression is not to be underestimated; it isn’t over until it’s over, and I am no longer lowering the guard.

I miss W. tremendously.

More soon.