It’s been a year without a therapist that can guide me through difficult moments, and remind me the good mental practices during the difficult moments. I am in the process of finding a therapist, one who speaks English and that I can afford. It’s a longer process than I thought. In the meantime, I do have the tools to detect red alerts when they are coming. And this is a red alert time for me.

My final attempt at passing Principes du Vol (branch 080) is coming up, 13 November, with pre-exams this morning. The self-boycott phase started weeks ago, and I must stop it. Since my last post, when I was already complaining about failing the exam and things going bad from now on, a few good things have happened, which I need to remind myself of. To counterbalance the bad thoughts that want to drag me down with them.

Good thing happened: I traveled to Asia for work, and I discovered two new cities in countries I had never been to. Since I love to travel, this is positive. Another great thing is that we managed to finalise the biggest deal at work, it had to happen before 31 October, and signatures have been digitally initiated yesterday. This is big, and I should not dismiss it as an easy accomplishment, cause it was not (it took almost a year).

See, my mind works in a way that one negative though feeds on another one to justify itself. It’s what my old therapist used to describe with “fascination for dissatisfaction”. My mind (like my mom’s) scans very fast through all the thoughts that could be negative in my mind, and binds them all up like grapes; this way the little negative thoughts become an army of negativity, which then justifies my miserable self. Ah…… great tactic! I should tell Macchiavelli about this one!

These days I am seeing a pattern going on that fuels this grape-like construction. My brain is finding a way to justify my failing at flying. If I fail 080 this fourth time, I have to repeat the whole theory, about 9 exams I already passed. There is no way I am going to do that. The thing is, I am not sure I’ll pass, I am studying a lot, a lot more than for other branches, but there are always questions in the multiple choice tests that I can’t answer correctly. This is a subject that I find difficult to digest. The whole aerodynamic laws, the lift and drag, the Bernoulli principle, air flux, Newton, Archimede. The whole lot. I am intelligent, but I am not a scientific mind, I am more into feeling and intuition, talking and speaking to a public, making podcasts and listen to people’s stories. When it gets to formulas, I go with intuition rather than with calculation.

So, here’s what I have been thinking these days: if I fail it will be bad for me, company is paying for the lessons, it is important for my job, if I fail I won’t be continuing the pilot licence, I will not become a pilot, if I fail at negotiating my salary with HR next week it will add to the failure of the PPL, plus I find the whole electrical subject difficult, and that’s my line of work, all of the eggs I put in this basket will fail all at once, and I will be miserable again, I have no partner, I can’t find true love, winter is here, days are dark and cold, less sunshine, what if my parents die this year or next, I will be weak for all this to endure. Etc etc. That’s my self-boycott process. Result: I get in a really bad mood, I wake up in the middle of the night, my heart burns. No advancement there.

So, I say it here, with the diary as my witness: I will endeavor to chase away all negative thoughts that want to grape up in me in the next weeks to come. I will be strong and will rely on my intelligent self to see the strong woman and not fuel the weak one that wants to come out (I mean, I have thoughts of being homeless again! can you imagine?). This is a difficult time of the year, where weather and season put a layer on top of the regular thoughts. But as that woman said in her video, the world is neutral. We tone it positive or negative with our own thoughts. So, stop being negative. I will pass the exam and will continue the PPL.