Tag: mental-health

I am staying the course

diariolottatoreLeave a comment

Wow, I haven’t written since January. This is not because I haven’t thought of depression, but probably because I have been in a state of non depression but not happy either. Super boring winter, very bad weather which by itself puts me in a bad mood. Work changes, and other things not changing fast enough at work. Feeling like I am missing out on opportunities, but at the same time I don’t want to rush things, such as finding another job, because you know what you are leaving but you don’t know what you are getting into.

I feel I need some guidance. I started seeing a psychologist, but after 5-6 sessions he was not the right fit for me. I need someone who can come up with conclusions, suggestions, actions to take. Give me good advice. It is not easy to find a good therapist. Plus I was looking online…even harder.

So, things have been OK, not super, not sad. I am glad I haven’t fallen into depression. I know spring is coming and the long days of sunshine await me. I want to think strategically about my future moves. I just turned 50, and I want to use the energy I still have to do great things. Not wait until retirement, when your energy level decreases and then you are too old to travel around and do adventurous stuff.

But it’s also difficult to find someone to travel with. I would love to find a new love of my life, for my second stage of life, someone who brings me surprise, fascination, discovery, peace of mind. Someone intelligent and achieved, who isn’t reinventing himself at 50, someone with financial stability, who isn’t worried about spending a weekend abroad due to budgetary restrictions. Someone with no strings attaached. Veeeery difficult to find.

But hey, I am healthy, I have a job, which is mostly ok, sometimes great, often angering, I have a sex friend who has upgraded to sex friend plus plus, but not boyfriend, I live in a beautiful safe country, people look at me and think I have come so far. The grass is always greener at the neighbor’s, but my grass is pretty green too. I need to remind myself to see the positive sides, and not succumb to the negative temptations. It’s easy to self pity, it’s harder to see the good in everything. Harder for me, at least.

I want this feeling of unachievement to leave my mind. And most of all I want to feel the motivation and the drive to keep going, do stuff, clean the bathroom, find a new job, interview new people for my podcast, call up customers for work, book the next flight for the holidays, be presentable to dinners, put some make up on, feel the sense in what I do, even when it feels so boringly routine.

Lack of direction

diariolottatore2 Comments

My good friend Ardeshir told me he wants to make a move in his life, he is tired of wasting his talent and time. He wants to find a job, find meaning in life. I have a job and have made quite important steps in life since my depression phase. I am probably where he would like himself to be right now. And yet I do feel an emptiness, a lack of direction, which is fueling negative thoughts. I don’t feel confidence in my job at the moment, I have no product to sell, and no clear direction from the leadership. I could do so much, but the company is so undecided on what to do, and so big, that I feel overwhelmed.

Flying is another element of my life which is giving me stress. And yet, I have just re-read my last posts, where I was worried about not passing the theoretical exams, and here I am, I have passed the exams, all of them in fact (including air law!) and now I am worrying about something else. The practice. And I worry about work, and I feel lack of purpose. I have a sex friend with whom I have great sex, and yet I worry about being with him too often, because I am not in love and he is not the one. I might be wasting my time and giving him false hopes. And when will I meet the right person? Will my life be exciting again? Will there be a magic happening in my life, where I will feel excitement? etc etc etc. Just listing my thoughts, I am pissing myself off! So boring. Stop that already.

I have found a psychologist, did 4-5 sessions with him, but ended last week, because I don’t like his technique. He was listening without giving me advice, he was kind of making assumptions of how I feel, without making me feel better. For example, he would say “it is as if nothing makes you happy at this moment, not your job, not your sport activities, not your flying lessons”. Indeed, that’s it. So what now? How do I change this state?

Damn it, I don’t ever want to plunge into the dark place, ever again. Depression was sooooo bad, that I’d rather keep my job, and see how I can make it work. I’d rather go through the uncomfortable feeling that flying brings me right now, than be depressed one more day in my life. I cannot explain it, but the pain you feel when you are depressed is much grander than physical pain. But why am I feeling down again? Why is it hard to clean my room, to organise my next trip, to organise a mega party for my 50th, to simulate a flight around my sofa in the living room, to look for a different job, to make the dishes, when I don’t see the point of all that? How can I see the point and meaning of all this again?

I know I am not well when I start thinking about other people’s lives being better than mine, when I start thinking of leaving everything behind and start traveling, specifically travel on a sail boat. Then I try to picture my long term travel, and I see no happiness because I am jobless, moneyless, and I have no life partner. So I exclude this escape idea from my list, because it wouldn’t bring any long term satisfaction.

If I had 5 millions in my bank account, would I be happy? This is a 5-million-dollar question. Someone please make a wire transfer into my bank account and I’ll tell you.

Not easy, this life. Not easy when you have options. Not easy when you have had a comfortable life in the past. Not easy when you have lost the love of your life out of your own doing. But like the lady said in the Instagram article, the world is neutral, it is me who is giving it a specific color, a good or bad taste, a meaning. At the end of the month I will turn 50, and I should know better.