It feels so long ago that I was depressed, and today I feel so good, even despite Covid isolation, that has forced me (and almost everyone else on the planet) to stay at home for at least 4 weeks (I am in my fifth week as I write this page). However I often flashback to the days of sadness and desperation, not because I like to relive that pain, but because I want to make sure I won’t feel it in the future.

I tend to forget easily, my memory is really poor (it has always been), I am happy now and I am forgetting how I felt only 4 months ago; in truth, I also forget what I ate last week, what I did at my birthday last year, and forget the wrong that others have done to me in the past (that’s probably why I easily forgive, I forget how bad a wrongdoing, a betrayal or a moral punch felt). That is why during this Coronavirus pandemic, as I find myself alone at home, I have all the time in the world to dedicate to myself and to rhythm my daily hours the way I feel is good for me; during this daily pace I sometimes look back at how I felt four months ago, how unmotivated I was to get out of bed, how every single thing felt like the biggest hurdle to me, even washing the dishes, getting the laundry downstairs, feeling any reason why I should do anything. Today I look at these feelings and observe them from my stronger self, I feel good enough (really good actually) to use this upbeat time and analyse how I let these negative emotions overcome me four months ago; I feel I am gathering all munitions I can to fight back, the day I should have a down moment again.

I know depression is not over, I know this process is long. It took me years to become depressed, I am expecting to take months and years to feel strong in my core again, like I was at 20-25 years old, when the world was mine to conquer. This exercise of looking back at sad and depressive feelings is a very good exercise for me; and I recently told G. (my psychologist), so he can help me figure out some things when I am too close to the object of study (=me) and can’t see the forest from the trees. I am consciously taking action to help my most inner consciousness heal.

I have a renewed admiration for psychologists, their work is so important in our modern society, I had underestimated the need for a mind specialist, someone who treats your thoughts as part of physical body. What a difficult job to choose, I mean, the mind is so complex, more than an arm, or even the heart, and I am realising this more and more as I explore myself during the healing process. Incredible that only four months ago I could not force myself out of bed, even if I wanted to. Someone else inside me was bringing me down, keeping me low, sad, negative, self-pitying for all the bad things that happened to me, and that I let happen. Today not only I get out of bed at the crack of dawn, but I have a long list of things I want to do during the day, and the day is not enough to do everything I want, not even during isolation. It is fantastic that I feel like this again, and I know that a lot is due to my medicaments, so now I want to take responsibility for my own well being, and am going to take any action necessary to replace the chemical medicine with my own natural serotonin and dopamine (and whichever other hormone makes us happy, satisfied and on top of the world).