Tag: happiness

Lack of direction

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My good friend Ardeshir told me he wants to make a move in his life, he is tired of wasting his talent and time. He wants to find a job, find meaning in life. I have a job and have made quite important steps in life since my depression phase. I am probably where he would like himself to be right now. And yet I do feel an emptiness, a lack of direction, which is fueling negative thoughts. I don’t feel confidence in my job at the moment, I have no product to sell, and no clear direction from the leadership. I could do so much, but the company is so undecided on what to do, and so big, that I feel overwhelmed.

Flying is another element of my life which is giving me stress. And yet, I have just re-read my last posts, where I was worried about not passing the theoretical exams, and here I am, I have passed the exams, all of them in fact (including air law!) and now I am worrying about something else. The practice. And I worry about work, and I feel lack of purpose. I have a sex friend with whom I have great sex, and yet I worry about being with him too often, because I am not in love and he is not the one. I might be wasting my time and giving him false hopes. And when will I meet the right person? Will my life be exciting again? Will there be a magic happening in my life, where I will feel excitement? etc etc etc. Just listing my thoughts, I am pissing myself off! So boring. Stop that already.

I have found a psychologist, did 4-5 sessions with him, but ended last week, because I don’t like his technique. He was listening without giving me advice, he was kind of making assumptions of how I feel, without making me feel better. For example, he would say “it is as if nothing makes you happy at this moment, not your job, not your sport activities, not your flying lessons”. Indeed, that’s it. So what now? How do I change this state?

Damn it, I don’t ever want to plunge into the dark place, ever again. Depression was sooooo bad, that I’d rather keep my job, and see how I can make it work. I’d rather go through the uncomfortable feeling that flying brings me right now, than be depressed one more day in my life. I cannot explain it, but the pain you feel when you are depressed is much grander than physical pain. But why am I feeling down again? Why is it hard to clean my room, to organise my next trip, to organise a mega party for my 50th, to simulate a flight around my sofa in the living room, to look for a different job, to make the dishes, when I don’t see the point of all that? How can I see the point and meaning of all this again?

I know I am not well when I start thinking about other people’s lives being better than mine, when I start thinking of leaving everything behind and start traveling, specifically travel on a sail boat. Then I try to picture my long term travel, and I see no happiness because I am jobless, moneyless, and I have no life partner. So I exclude this escape idea from my list, because it wouldn’t bring any long term satisfaction.

If I had 5 millions in my bank account, would I be happy? This is a 5-million-dollar question. Someone please make a wire transfer into my bank account and I’ll tell you.

Not easy, this life. Not easy when you have options. Not easy when you have had a comfortable life in the past. Not easy when you have lost the love of your life out of your own doing. But like the lady said in the Instagram article, the world is neutral, it is me who is giving it a specific color, a good or bad taste, a meaning. At the end of the month I will turn 50, and I should know better.

Will got married

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The love of my life got married.

The descent to the “inferi” (see Dante Alighieri) for me started when I was still together with Will. Over the years I had eroded slowly but surely the confidence I had in me. Feeling invincible up to my studies, when I entered the job market the fight began. Fight to find a job, and fight to find what would make me happy, professionally. Love was always an important part of my life as a young woman; I never had just “fun” with boys, it was always a serious relationship. Starting with the first love, met him at the beach at 16, dated two years, then the German boyfriend at 20, met in Australia at my first big overseas trip during university; we were together for 7 years; then to Will at 28, stayed together 14 years, until I messed up. Today, 7 years later, I think that my professional life and the way I handled my relationships were the two main factors that brought me to depression.

Psychology sessions helped extrapolate the knots I had tangled myself in; it was not overnight; it took a couple of years. The first sessions I remember I was crying a lot, I could not stop, I was a mess and could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then it got better; I learned that I am attracted to dissatisfaction, meaning that I am looking for the things that go wrong in my life, and linger on them (like my mom); I also realised that I give (lose) myself too much in a relationship, not in the everyday life, but in the big choices. For example, the German boyfriend asked me to go to Germany and I did (the country was an awful experience for me) , the Canadian boyfriend asked me to leave Switzerland cause he didn’t like it, and I did. Back then, it was not a forced decision, I felt like I wanted to leave Switzerland, and trust me, it was amazing to travel around the world with the love of my life. But, in hindsight, I should have insisted to keep our status in Switzerland so we could go back one day, instead of leaving the safe life for good.

As a matter of fact, when I left Will, it was in Switzerland, where I wanted to go back to. Again, in hindsight, I should have handled this in a much more adult way, I should have not broken up with him for the younger guy, I should have asked for a short break, the time for me to understand what was going on in my life, and maybe we would be still together. Or not. Who knows. There are thousands of scenarios playing in my head, still to date, after 7 years. Leaving Will was the biggest regrettable action I have made in my entire life, but today I wonder if I would have been able to come out of depression with him on my side. If we stayed together, would I be happy today, like I am now? He would have fallen out of love probably, as nobody wants to be with someone crying all day, desperate about everything and broken in pieces. His love was not enough and I could not get back on my feet. I tried to shake the sadness in South Africa, but it had already pierced through my veins like a poison. I was sad in SA, and I brought my sadness to CH. I thought that by leaving the country I would leave my sorrows behind. Wrong! The sorrows follow you diligently. Faithfully. Irrevocably. You are the sorrow and the sorrow is you.

Despite my two-year therapy, and the effort to get rid of Will from my mind, I have always hoped, deep down, to find him again, one day, when we are older, and be together again, explain to him what happened and how; he would understand and we would travel again together around the world, as a retired couple. He would love me like he did before and I would love him back, and better this time. But in 7 years he never accepted to talk to me, he never replied to my 2-3 letters, and I just found out that he got married. Not with me of course, but with the lady he met 6 months after I broke up with him. Comme quoi…

The news shook me when I heard it in the moment; now I know for a fact that my hopes and thoughts of a future with him are futile, vain, useless and absurd. I want this news to accelerate the end of my love for him. Just as he placed me in a remote corner of his heart for good, I want to do the same, and allow myself to find a new big love of my remaining life. Good luck to me.

The Privileged Club of the Depressed

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I was listening to a podcast from the guys at “And the rest is History” about the Freemasons, the international order that was very popular in the 1800s and was established for mutual help and fellowship. One of its characteristics, besides for being quite secretive, was the ceremonial habit. One of the rituals to become a member, so it appears, was a painful ritual, where you would have to endure something terrible, inflicted by your fellows; so terrible and painful that it would remind you that death is a serious business.

The depressed people go through something terrible too, and when I was driving home listening to the hour-long podcast, I thought that the depressed would make a great exclusive, privileged club of modern times. Privileged is a word I choose not out of lack of better words, but because I do think that being “touched” by depression in one’s life, gives us the privilege of seeing the world in a different way. When we get out of it eventually, the world and the others do not look or feel the same to us. At least this is my experience.

It took me three years to be depression-free, give or take. The path was excruciating, the worst feeling of my life, if I hadn’t loved life so much I would have taken concrete steps towards embracing death. It was that bad. The feeling of depression is one that goes way deep down your soul, your body, your heart, your brain, your guts. When you are in the middle of it, in your deepest, deepest moments, you think you will never get out. “How could I ever be happy again?” I thought, “How long do I still have to live and endure this?” I thought. I saw my life eternally turning in the void, eternally condemned to live like that, without hope and with lots of emotional pain. Like in the Gironi of Dante’s Hell.

But little by little, with looots and looots of effort,and over a loooong period of time, the daily improvements, the daily routines, the psychological support from my therapist, plus sport, work, family, etc, set me free from depression, and today I see pink color, pastel blue, turquoise, marine green, ocean blu, rosa antico, pastures of endless fields, oceans of blue marine that make me happy. I am happy, and satisfied. And I see the world in a different way. Like in the Matrix, I am on the other side, a side that only a few know, a few privileged who have been depressed once, and are now free from depression enjoying every bit of life, every heartbeat, every breath, as it was the last. Because we were that close to our last breath, we were so close to death, dancing with it every day for days weeks years.

This is me today. I am happy, I am free, I am me.

The duration of happiness

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I have been meaning to write for quite some time. I even took notes to not forget what I want to say.

The main thought I have been having is this: I need to find a new psychotherapist. I have set this as a goal for early 2023, because I find that I must not lower the guard while I am feeling good and happy and positive.

Second thought is: how long does happiness last, and why do I fear that happiness is doomed to last less long than sadness. It is all in the head, and the heart, so we decide how long we want it to last. Having been depressed in my recent years, even if at various degrees (mainly mild, then hard for 2 full years), I am wary of betting on the longevity of happiness.

Another thought in the last weeks has been this: I have caught myself being aggressive and overreacting when things are done to me wrongly, or let’s say when I feel someone is doing something wrong to me. If I want to imagine this visually, I feel skyscrapers of happiness and skyscrapers of anger and sadness. Plus, this sadness takes me away from the outside world: when I am angry, I don’t want to see anyone, I close myself in my room and watch a movie to calm down. I recognise some patterns of when I was depressed. Red alarm, red alarm! Hence, the thought number one: I must find a psychotherapist asap.

With the psychotherapist I used to externalise my own thoughts to another human being, who would listen, digest, and throw back some thoughts, comments, notes at me that would help me carry on and fight the depression. Without this confrontation of thoughts, I am missing an important pedagogical aspect of my fight against depression. I feel as if depression had left me a goodbye “gift”, a poisonous one at that: anger and verbal aggression against anyone or anything that threatens my so long fought after well being.

It has happened that I have burst in tears in the past 8 weeks – I don’t know, maybe 3-4 times, it was tears of rage, when I have been feeling attacked when someone expresses their opinion. It is sooo annoying that this is my immediate, unfiltered reaction. Last episode was this very week: I have worked at an aviation expo that was very good but also very tiring (4 hours sleep per night), with big emotions (excitement of deals to come, negotiations well handled, a keynote speech given to a professional male-only audience); then comes this company townhall about reorganisation, and it is announced that my boss will change job, but I am not in his organisational chart yet. I got so furious, I started crying while listening to the Teams meeting, and I felt injustice, no appreciation of my work, and even greater injustice for the salary level I have been enduring for the past 4 years, while waiting for my company to adapt my salary. Year after year, I have been doing really well, I have been enjoying my work a lot, I am exploring this new amazing industry, I am showing unprecedented results, but I am not paid as much as my male colleagues, and this drives me insane. Not only because of the injustice in itself, but because I feel I haven’t played all my cards well, so I blame myself even more, in this story.

Cutting a long story short, I find myself extremely vulnerable to jumps of moods, I feel I need to find a psychotherapist right now, possibly in English and online, and I need to find a way to spread happiness throughout a long period of time. When I am happy I am thinking: why and how long still will I be happy for, as if the default version of my life should be worry, sadness and stress. invece no! Also, I must be careful about my state of happiness. Now it’s easy cause all baskets are full. What will happen when/if some are emptied by life?

PS: Alain de Botton gave a speech on depression and the difference with sadness. I find it enlightening.

Scrap notes

its not all about me, its not that if someone gives me a weird look, its because i did something wrong. its probably them who are not certain about something. same thing with me.

I havent felt like doing sport the whole week. thats an alarm sign for me. plus I am about to get my period. that must be it. i am in a bad mood, last 24h its been like that

2023 Anti-Depression Resolutions

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Welcome 2023! In italy 23 is a great number, all Italians know it when they play Tombola (Bingo). 23 is the lucky number. So let’s make 2023 our lucky number.

And yet luck doesn’t have much to do with happiness. Yes, it can help big time, but I say I want to make my own happiness, by keeping in track with all the work I have done in the past 3 years. Work that goes towards one goal: ending depression.

I have written down my projects for 2023. They are short to long term projects, I keep the page open on my desk, and remind myself of doing something every day towards those goals. There are 13 lines in the list at the moment. Projects range from keeping good fitness level to finishing my pilot licence, renting out my car, find public funding for my podcast, move to my new home, get the Swiss citizenship, find a kitehouse. Some projects are big and will require more than a year, some are easy, some are imminent.

People around me ask me how I can do so many things… first I don’t have kids, second I am not depressed anymore, and that’s awesome! Spirit is high, I have plenty of energy, I am being careful of what I eat, I weigh my mental efforts, and when I feel I get too overwhelmed, I stop doing what is negatively taking energy from me, and I do something I like, such as sport, walk, watch a video. I reward myself instead of penalising myself with some stupid thought (“you can’t do this assignment, you idiot”).

Being back in Switzerland after the Xmas break isn’t easy, I admit. I need to stay focused on what is important, so that I don’t get distressed by the lousy weather, or the lack of friends on any given day. I consciously make an effort to be vigilant about my moves. Because I know how hard it is to be depressed, and how difficult and long it is to come out of it. So, being vigilant and making extra positive steps is paramount to my wellbeing. That is why I have started a new project, called kitehouse. I want to find a great spot in Europe where I can buy a place I can call my kitehouse. A windy spot where I can kitesurf. My own place. A place where I can go often when I am older and retired. I never thought of investing. It’s a good time to do so.

Whatever project I choose will have to be useful to my wellbeing and mental stability. I miss love, and feel I need someone to feel fulfilled, but I know that fulfillment must come from within me, as it did when I was younger. Hence I make projects. as many as I want to handle, but not too many, to not overwhelm me. By the way, love is NOT one of the 13 projects. After trying Tinder and Bumble for a couple of months I decided to not waste more time, and not look for love, but let it happen in due time. Meanwhile, I concentrate on my own projects and wellbeing.

One of the resolutions is to find a new therapist who can assist me this year. I had an issue with the cabinet where my psychoanalyst was practising from. Mostly invoicing errors, extra charges, etc. I decided to look for a new therapist, someone who can follow me online. It’s one of the 13 projects of this year. I sometimes feel that I don’t need a therapist anymore, but I am not convinced that this is a good time to let go of this strong ammunition. What if something drastic happens in my life that catches me unprepared?

A great resolution I have from this year is “remote work in a warm place in winter”. I asked my company HR last month if I could work for three months elsewhere next winter, somewhere warm. They’ll think about it. I don’t know how much this project is depending on me, but I will think of something to make it happen. Switzerland is great, but between November and April it sucks! Except for skiing :-).

Let’s see how January goes. I am hopeful.

Memory loss and anti-depression achievements

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I realised I didn’t write in a long time; on one end it is a good sign, it means I am doing well, I have been busy, I have been my “usual” self (usual = pre-depression); on the other end I am sorry I have neglected you, diary, because this is a long term project and I want to keep a trace of my fight against depression.

I also realise I forgot about the diary. I haven’t thought about it in a long time.

Forgetting is something I do often, I have bad memory, really bad, from childhood in fact. This has been a disadvantage for studies, as I could not memorise much, but a good thing for social liaisons, as I forget easily why I am angry with someone, so I don’t hold a grudge, haha! “I was very angry with you, but I forgot why, so let’s stay friends”. I am a bit like Dory in Finding Nemo.

But this memory thing has gotten a bit worse with the therapy. I took 20mg Fluoxetine from December 2019 until Spring 2022: that’s a bit more than 2 years. Yesterday I went to a new psychiatrist (who needs to report that I am fine with pursuing a private pilot license) and he said that usually memory capabilities go down with psychotropes. This is less of a good news, and I hope it won’t get worse than this. I hope I won’t get Alzheimer. But that is another disease, I don’t see the link with psychiatric remedies.

In hindsight, looking at the last 3 years, since I was depressed and could not get out of bed, where everything was overwhelming, and I didn’t see the sense of life, I look at me today and I see that I have done tremendous progress. Medicine is not necessary, and I don’t recommend it unless you are really really low. I was at a very low point, and could not find in me the strength to get up again. I felt the world was collapsing onto me, too heavy to sustain. So I took some medical crutches, I took an antidepressant, which gave me the mental capacity to get up again on my feet. Antidepressant is not the goal, it’s the means. The most important work is with a psychological consultant who can study your mind, understand where you turn your thoughts in ways that lead you to depression, and prescribes you the mental weapons to grow stronger, avoid the tricks of your mind, come out of your fight with your brain as a winner. Winning is embracing your brain, understanding who you are (not easy at all), and remembering to be gentle with you whilst being demanding.

I don’t think that my psychologist is a great one, he is actually a psychoanalist (I didn’t know then, I just looked up a practice on Google that was walking distance from home….), but he did tell me a few things over 3 years that stuck with me. And I am daily using the exercises to strengthen my mind against the adversities that my own mind finds along the way. I do intentionally look for the elements in the day that make my glass half full instead of half empty. Empty glass is part of the glass, but I know I can make it fuller than emptier, it’s all up to me.

One great example I often think of, is Monsters Inc. Check this scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35XcnPM68ro the one eyed monster finds out that he is on the front cover of the magazine, but his face is hidden by the barcode. And yet he is super excited to be on the front cover of the magazine! I find that so cute. Seeing good also when it’s not 100% perfect. I mean, better being partly on the cover than not being there at all.

Anyway, this was just a quick note to say I am back, I haven’t left now that I am feeling good. I am much happier now, quite satisfied with pretty much everything in my life, and working daily on my happiness. I have projects, and I stick to them. That is key for me. Podcast, naturalisation, flying license, sport, travels, work. The fight isn’t over, and I think it will be a fight for life. Winter is coming, I am getting ready.

More soon.

Was Nelson Mandela ever depressed?

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Staying the course is definitely difficult, whatever course you set out to follow, but it’s doable. It “just” requires assiduity, diligence, even when I don’t see the end of this course.

I have set my course in a time where depression can creep in easily: in winter time. That is my strategy: set a course, and stick to it. Not only it is winter in the Northern hemisphere, but my function in the company has a lot of question marks, and I am living in a country where the past 6 years have been a roller coaster of depression and search for stability. Mix all that, and my anti-depression efforts can easily get down the drain in one nanosecond.

My personal course is: stick to this job (=don’t leave right away, just because i am not satisfied at the moment), apply for Swiss citizenship (it will take 2 years) so I can stay in this country (that was the idea 6 years ago = seek stability), complete the private pilot license and see where it leads you, regularly work on the podcast (publish one episode per week). This is my recipe to stay the course and counteract my depression.

That’s the thing: it is soooo easy to relapse, to look behind you and see everything that doesn’t work, for me it is so easy to look at the half empty glass. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is the strongest, I feel I need 2 to bring myself down, and 8 to counteract with good and positive thoughts. That’s why I say it is hard. But doable, with effort and discipline. I am counting on the fact that, with time, the effort will become less and less difficult, and that the discipline will make my exercise for happiness not feel like an exercise anymore, but a normal way of life.

Looking back I miss the age when I was happy by default, and it required no effort. I think that the years where depression started to creep in were between end 20s and end 30s. Now I am in my 40s and I am consciously arming myself to conquer the happy place that was so natural back then. Funny to think that unconsciously I let my mind play with depressive feelings over the course of 10 or more years, and that now it will take at least as long, if not a lifetime, to chase those feelings and clean my spirit from sad thoughts.

The difficult part in this process for me, is to motivate myself to stay the course during times when I don’t see the point, or the end of the tunnel. It is hard to motivate myself when I wonder whether the effort is worth it. But then I think I am not the only one, and if others can do it, I can. Think of Nelson Mandela, who stayed in prison for almost 3 decades. He kept fighting and survived the cold winters of Robben Island year after year, not knowing whether he was ever going to be set free. But after 27 years he got out. And at the end of his life, his life started again.

That’s how I see myself. The end will be the best part of my life. Cause I will have earned it, and will be consciously happy and glad of what I have done in my life.

Familiarity

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It’s been way too long since my last post. A lot has happened. First I went on holiday. It was really good. I have thrown away cell phone, laptop, and all I did was eat, sleep and swim in the sea. Second I finished my antidepressant. Yeah! 4 September 2020 is the first day off Fluoxetin. In June I had gotten prescribed half dosage for 3 months, meaning 10mg instead of 20mg, and then basta, give it up and see how it goes. My spirits are high, I am rejuvenated from the holidays and I like my job. It’s a good start to test my time off medicaments.

What I would really like to highlight here, is that I think familiarity was really key to this whole process. Alain de Botton says this about love. Have you heard any of his conferences? You can check Ted Talk. Great guy, a philosopher with lots of knowledge and a great look at modernity through the eyes of the Greek philosophers. He basically says that when we fall in love it is usually with people that don’t make us feel necessarily good, but familiar, as we unconsciously seek for the feelings we are familiar with. “We chase after more exciting others, not in the belief that life with them will be more harmonious, but out of an unconscious sense that it will be reassuringly familiar in its patterns of frustration.” (quote from one of his books, see it here). Sounds like a side track to my story, but it all makes sense to me! I had a great time at the beach in Italy, 2 weeks of bliss, without doing anything special, but I was at the campground where I have spent most of my summers since my first year of age. And that’s the recipe: I needed familiarity, I needed to go back to what I know and am accustomed to, the love of my parents, a routine, etc. Four years ago, when my life changed for what I thought was the worst, this is what I was seeking all along, without exactly knowing. When I left W., the love of my life, I was going in this direction, but I couldn’t see it then. I went through hell, to get where I am now; I had to leave him in order to find me. I had lost me on the way, I wasn’t feeling the earth under my feet. I had to go back to what was familiar; stay in one place, refind balance, finding a routine… all things I have despised for the last 20 years.

And here I am now, four years after moving back to Switzerland, leaving W., changing jobs, coming closer to my hometown (1’000 km instead of 9’000 km), having a stable job, paying retirement insurance, saving money to buy a house, visiting friends a few km from my place in Geneva, etc. I didn’t have to give up W., but that’s what it took in my case; I miss him dearly every damn day of the year, since 4 years; he doesn’t want to talk to me, 14 years together, and I threw that away; and he didn’t pick it up for us. He let us go as much as I did. But that’s another story. For another post.

I am happy and serene. Gained 4 kilo, but am sort of pleased by the extra “ciccia” :-). I want to get back in shape, it will come. For now I look at my belly and I smile. Abundance is welcome, also in the flesh. Anything, but not depression. Ok, no cancer either, thank you.

Routine

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May 15, four nights ago, was my first business night out since the COvid 19 lockdown started. My first day in lockdown was Monday 16 March 2020. Exactly 60 days of isolation.

It feels good to be in a hotel again, having dinner at the restaurant downstairs, taking a shower in a new bathroom, with great showerhead by the way! The bed was super comfy… And yes, there’s a “but”.

During my 8-week lockdown in Switzerland, I have been able to work on myself in ways I haven’t done before. The forced isolation, having no one around to influence me (positively or negatively), being faced to myself and myself only, allowed me to build my day the way I felt was good for me. I adjusted my sleeping patterns, rhythming my day and night according to my own internal body clock; I have developed and enjoyed routines, things I do every day almost exactly the same time in the same way. Want to know?

Between 5 and 6 am I wake up. I go out to the balcony and have a walk around, looking for the position of the big dipper which shows me what time it is; then I go back to bed and I meditate for 30 minutes sitting upright on the mattress (the breathing mantra, remember? I am exploring Bahya Kumbhaka right now). After meditation I prepare breakfast, it takes me about 30 minutes because it is my favorite meal of the day. I enjoy the process, and watching the news to stay up to date on Coronavirus and other world news. Then day starts. Mid way I take 15 minute break and do exercise for the eyes (the laptop screen is killing me!). And I also take time to cook, that is a new routine I have been enjoying. A Whatsapp chat with my parents back in Rome, some yoga at 7pm with my friends in Italy; oh yes, 15 minute planck at 8h10am with M., my best friend, via Zoom :-). That is the COvid routine. I enjoy it so much that I want to keep doing it after lockdown is over.

My neighbor friend who has a baby daughter of 2 years of age, read that a baby needs routine to grow happy and serene. During COvid she has been a much happier baby for instance, since mom and dad were at home, and they have developed a daily routine with her (from eating to walking to doing some chores, etc). I asked my friend to give me some literature about this link between happy child and routine. So I searched “baby routine brings happy adult” and I found a website which has an article that describes how happiness is mostly a habit. “We all know that some of us tend to be more upbeat than others. Part of this is inborn, just the fate of our genes that give us a happier mood. But much of our mood is habit” (see the related article: Teaching Your Child the Art of Happiness). Wow, I had not thought about this. And it’s so true.

Long story short: before I left for Interlaken on Thursday, I had decided I would continue the routine, even outside of my COvid nest, so I brought things with me that would help me with that, including my eye drops, cream for the body, the cerchietto (hairband) which I use when I start working at the laptop (cause my hair gets in my eyes), the omega oils I take at breakfast, the Freitag headset to listen to the youtube mantra, etc. I have to tweak a few things, but we can be flexible, right? For example, at this hotel breakfast is only at 8h30 – due to Coronavirus – My breakfast at home is around 5h30-6h00, so it’s almost 3 hours of difference, but it’s ok, I can do other things in between. Back home now, and I have missed it, I must say. It was great to be out and about, and I am glad it’s over.

I like my routine, I will keep doing it, even after lockdown. It will take more effort, but the good it does to me is unmeasurable and priceless.

Take action before it’s late

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Dr. G., my psychologist, said one thing that struck me, and that I will forever remember. He said it in such a natural and unassuming way that it resonated clearly in me. He said “you have a certain fascination for dissatisfaction”. And I realised, it’s true. Why? Because when I was at the beginning of the practice, I used to tell him my story, stories, thoughts, fears, anxieties, long story short, I was a mess and he was my punching ball. The thoughts I was sharing with him were initially, say, 99% negative, sad, hopeless; as the medicine was starting to have effect, I started to relax more, the problems in my mind were taking more distance from me, and I tried to see more positive; he was telling me that I had to shift the way I see my reality, and make it work for me. Not easy, as I initially interpreted this recommendation as a way to say “be contented with what you got, that’s all there is, resign yourself to the reality”. Which, in other terms, meant for me “you are a failure, pal, you have messed up, lost the love of your life, never got to finish one thing, are back in a country where you feel trapped, just accept it and find happiness in what you can get”. That’s what I was thinking, and that feeling of dissatisfaction and forced resignation fueled my depressive state. I had such a clog in my stomach every time I was thinking what I was missing in the world, while others were living the life of their dreams, why not me, and yet I am a smart person. Etcetera, etcetera.

Oh, if I recall these thoughts my mood becomes more grey. So I won’t linger too much today, and I will say why I am mentioning this now, months after it happened. First because I want to remember how bad depression felt, and remember to always compare those moments with my moments today; that sadness with today’s serenity, and I’d dare to say, even happiness. I am happy with myself right now. It has only taken me a few months to feel this way. And that’s the other reason why I am mentioning my sad memories. It took me 4 months more or less to feel good again, like I have not felt in years. This is, and I am sure of it, thanks to the medical help I received. I was too low to get back up on my own. BUT! It doesn’t have to be this way. and I am here to warn whoever is reading these notes, whether it is today, 9 May 2020, or in 5 years, or in 20 years. If I had listened to the signs sooner, I would have been able to heal on my own. There is no need for medical chemicals, and I am pretty sure of it. My mother had warned me several times prior to my deepest depression in November. She told me years before, that I should go see someone. Initially she meant a psychologist, and when things got really bad, she advised I go to a psychiatrist. She meant good for me, but I always thought that the mind is something we can control, unlike a broken arm, a heart attack or a kidney infection. We go to the doctor whenever one of our organs hurts; we visit clinics and hospitals way too much even, but whenever the head is concerned, it becomes a taboo, at least in my culture and family environment. So I always felt that going to see a “shrink” meant a defeat, cause I wasn’t able to take care of my own thoughts. Today, 5 months after my biggest (and last!) depression phase, I am glad I listened to my mother – and I know she is glad too.

Each of us goes through his or her own life the way we deem right. We all want to be happy, right? We all want to feel those great sensations that we associate to words such as satisfaction, victory, love, happiness, serenity; I don’t feel good when I hurt somebody, or am hurt, or when I see people murdered on TV, or when a client doesn’t close my deal. There’s some strong feelings in our stomach, in our guts (and I know that Agata has a brain – who the heck is Agata ?). Well, I haven’t listened enough, and am only starting now, because I am in survival mode and will do anything to beat the beast, which is my depression. But it doesn’t have to wait until this late, so if you are reading this and feel depressed, but think you can make it on your own, start taking measures. I took up meditation . It’s soooo good. Can’t believe I didn’t do it until my forties. For you it might be something else. Take action before it’s late. Trust yourself.

Speak soon.