Tag: fight depression

The feel-good checklist to survive November and December gloom

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I managed to get by November by staying in Switzerland only 1.5 weeks in total. I went to the warm country of Oman for 12 days, and to a university friends get together in Spain for a long weekend. Not as warm as Oman, but sunny and beautiful as well. December is going by relatively quickly, with the first real snow falling, and the excitement of being able to go skiing.

November and December are the worst months for me, I don’t like autumn, I don’t like its dying colors, and I sadden as the days go darker and darker. This is what I am feeling now that I am back in Switzerland, at my place; it’s light at 8am, and it’s dark at 5pm. exactly at working hours. I feel like sleeping and staying in bed. If I hadn’t suffered from depression, I would find this amusing; feeling like a bear, understanding why certain animals hibernate in winter; but it raises alarm bells everywhere in my system. Last year, when I was depressed, staying in bed for 10 minutes was the beginning of a disguised turbine that dragged me down a spiral of wanting to do nothing; today I have the experience of two years of that feeling, and I know I want to resist the temptation of doing nothing, and lying on the couch, because this is dangerous for depression relapse. I don’t have the certainty, but even with Fluoxetin and all, I don’t trust winter and it’s tricky moods that reflect on my own self.

This morning it’s dark even though it’s 8.30am. Clouds are hovering and it has been snowing quite a bit. I woke up around 6.30am (late for my usual wakeup time of 4.30am) and started with breakfast, then I took the laundry downstairs, stored the Oman tent in the basement, and started to write this page of my depression fighter diary. Oh, I also made a list of things to do in the weekend, putting on every line that matters; this makes me feel I have accomplished things, and remind me that I am not being inactive and depressed. I am moving and make things happen.

My list of today:

  • Sell 4 items on marketplace
  • water plants
  • wash dishes
  • wash hair
  • iron the wax on the tupperware/cloth
  • take expense report to the office
  • study 45 min for swiss naturalisation
  • buy groceries
  • buy one winter plant
  • go to the gym (1h)
  • prepare ski-gear for tomorrow
  • ski in St Luc
  • glue laptop loose gum
  • search interviewees for podcast
  • store travel luggages
  • wash laundry
  • wash floor
  • podcast: study donation scheme

What I find good about this list is that there are lots of items, and I can already check a few of them, at 8.30am. Wash hair, wash laundry, which makes me feel good. I put it on an A4 paper, and every time I check one item, it’s success and I acknowledge that I have done well. No matter how little the todo thing was. I won’t throw away the list after this weekend. I will keep it for a while and add it to the upcoming weekends.

I see that I can do better yet: the very first item is in truth 4 items, cause I want to sell a small drone I don’t use anymore, a cappuccino maker a friend gave me which is too big for me, a 3D goggle, and a powerbank. That’s 4 times the effort. So I think I’ll split the first item.

And I will add one more item: write diary. check.

Latent Depression?

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Strange. Yesterday I wrote a page of this diary saying how much I had enjoyed the different sense of time in Oman, where everything flows so slowly compared to Europe; and I mentioned that I took the afternoon off, snoozing on the couch, doing nothing but watching TV and some favorite movies. I did that twice actually, on Saturday and Sunday. Today is Monday, back to working mode. The morning went well, that’s when I am most active. But: right after lunch, here comes the same lack of drive as yesterday. I lied down on the living room parquet to catch the shy heat of the winter sun, and have laid there for almost an hour. I am feeling, although not as severely, the same lack of drive as I had last year when I was depressed. And yet I am taking Fluoxetine, 20mg per day every single morning. Why do I feel like this then?

I am worried because I know that sense of helplessness, which comes from inside, a plug that is pulled out of my body and mind. I didn’t like feeling it today, while I was sunbathing to catch some vitamin D on the floor. I recognise this feeling, and I don’t like it one bit. It scares me. And I know that when I think of W., the love of my life whom I left 5 years ago, it means that I feel vulnerable and I wish he were there. Today I thought of him a lot.

Back to work now, but first I am going to write these words here, to make a point. A point of warning: I must be vigilant, depression isn’t over, sometimes I wonder if it will ever be. Are there people out there who were depressed, went on Fluoxetine, and got out of it? Doctors say that this molecule is not addictive (unlike Xanax), but is it really? Or are they just saying, so that we don’t worry?

Today for the first time in ages I felt the need to pull the plug, the inside black hole coming to surface again. I know it’s winter, November is the month I most hate, days are short, it’s cold and dark, it’s depressing by definition, but I am doing better than last year, and I am taking antidepressants, so where is the problem? It’s been two years now since I started taking this medicine. My intention is to reduce to 10mg in spring 2022, and stop early summer. See how it goes. Last year I stopped in September, just at the beginning of autumn. Not a clever decision. this year I am smarter. Come on L., get it together. You can do this.

A Different Sense Of Time

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Wow, already a month since my last post. I was on holiday in Oman, a beautiful place, full of different landscapes, and full of adventure, just like I love it.

In Oman I was happy, I did holidays the way I haven’t done in a long time. I went with a friend, so no emotional complications, good company, similar interests. We made a good choice to go there, just before the 5th (I think) Covid pandemic wave hit Europe and the rest of the world. We went without worrying too much about this and that. I did my PCR test on top of the vaccination, then a few papers and apps to fill, and off we go to Oman. 30 dry degrees in November was fantastic, and sunshine every day. Vitamin D a gogo.

Time passed in a different way there. I really enjoyed not having a schedule, not reading emails, not responding to SMS, just going with the flow. Wild camping is allowed everywhere in Oman: we drove on our 4×4 Toyota Land Cruiser, found a place to stop for the night, and pitched our tents. It could be the desert, the ocean beach the riverbed or the mountains, we did it all and nobody ever complained.

The day was rhythmed by the sunlight: 5h30am sunrise, 5h30pm sunset, darkness shortly before and after those times. During the 12 hours we had a our disposal we drove, we cooked, we ate, we swam, we hiked, we sightsaw, and we interacted with the local people. What struck me most was on Masirah Island, where our car got stuck in the deep sand, and local people started to help. They came and assisted, and when they realised that only another 4×4 would help us get out of the sand, they said we had to wait for the fishermen, who were all fishing until about 5pm. The fishermen are the people on the island who have 4 wheel drive vehicles. The great thing is, the locals who came to assist earlier that morning waited with us, for at least 2 hours. Time was not a matter for them: they didn’t have busy agendas with calls to make, they didn’t have traffic jam to drive through, their kids didn’t have hectic plannings.

They didn’t speak much English, so we used Google Translate to communicate. My friend had bought some data on a local simcard (Omantel). One of them, an older fellow, drove us to a neighboring parking area where some friends came to greet us and say hello. Nobody was angry, upset, or stressed; they all smiled. As to say “it is what it is”. How refreshing, how different from the hustle of the society I live in. Time had a different dimension there. And I enjoyed it fully.

Being away from my regular way of life has done good to me. I am happy I went, and my heart and soul feel lighter. I have charged my batteries and feel serene. Nothing compared to last year, when I went to Egypt, and I had to push myself to do whatsoever there; I was alone and I was depressed. This year I went for almost 2 weeks, with a friend, and we had good fun. I still feel the sunshine on my skin, the warm air caressing my hair, the smile of the villagers. Yesterday, first day since I am back, I did nothing all afternoon. I layed down and watched a lot of movies. From 12h30 until 22h30 I was on the couch. Feeling somehow guilty for not doing anything, as if wasting time, but then I decided to enjoy the nothingness. And I slept a lot.

Tomorrow I’ll work again.

It’s not about me

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It’s been almost two years since my first Fluoxetine dose. December 2019 was when I started. Then I took it until June 2020, and reduced the dosage by half, until September 2020, when I stopped completely. By end of October 2020 I was depressed again and had to resume Fluoxetine early December 2020. Today is 24 October 2021. Unlike last year, I have not attempted again to stop Fluoxetine at the beginning of autumn, but will do so next year, 2022, around March-April, when the best season for me starts.

This is an introduction to say that the way I feel now is different from last year. Today I feel confident, not depressed, I have energy, not lack of living fuel in my veins; the problems that arose last year with work (a contract that has deteriorated over the months) is persisting this year, with a new challenging turn, but I am taking it in a different way. This is a progress, and I’ll take anything but depression. Depression is a plug that is torn from my body, energy that turns off without a turn on button on the instruction manual. Anger, on the contrary, is a feeling, it makes me feel alive, although it’s not as pleasant as joy.

Anger is what I feel today, and what I have felt the past weeks. I have given so much to my job, working more than necessary, believing in the product, and I have received zero recognition and support from the management. I told this Mr. G., my psychologist, whom I see every 3-4 weeks, and I expressed him my frustration.

Frustration: the feeling of being annoyed or less confident because you cannot achieve what you want, or something that makes you feel like this

Cambridge Dictionary

So, I’ll take anger, because if I think back only a year ago, I could not move from bed. But I need to harness this feeling, which I consider not a happy one, and transform it to a positive one; Mr. G. told me that I want everybody to love me, and I seek everybody’s approval and recognition, whereas this is not what I should be aiming at. I should be happy with how I feel about me. It’s ok if not everyone loves me, it’s ok to have “enemies”, I need to remember that these are all feelings, not the universal truth. Reality is the way I perceive myself within my own circle of relationships.

It’s not all about me. I came across this video on Youtube and it made me think. Frederik Imbo, the author of this Ted Talk, says : do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? He advocates to use discipline and training, to train your brain not to take things personally. He became a referee to train himself to not take things personally. He shifted the focus from Me to We, and look at the other person’s intention. ’cause it’s not about me.

And what if it is about me? In this case I doubt about myself, because I haven’t come to terms with parts of myself, I am not confident. And I don’t take into account other people’s needs. This is probably rooted in childhood (maybe you were never good enough, or you were spoiled too much, always having your dad’s back).

I have started exercising not to take things personally. Easier said than done, but at least by trying I am training my mind to protect myself. It’s usually not about me, in which case the problem isn’t there, it’s the way others see themselves. When it’s about me, what can I do? My ego wants to be right, it wants to be acknowledged. Me, myself and I.

I am sad if I don’t get recognition. Imbo says: then open up without blaming the other one, vocalise your needs. Give yourself empathy, speak up.

I will adopt this strategy next time I am sitting in the same room with the CEO.

PS: did you know that we have 50’000 thoughts a day, and of them 10’000 are positive. 80% of what we think are negative thoughts. We might as well concentrate more on the positive.

Noise Off Distractions

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Last night I had dinner with my boss. I invited him over. It was a good exercise to discuss with him. this morning I figured out why. Waking up, while my thoughts are at best, free from distraction, and free to roam in my brain without noise, I realised : “noise”! That’s what it is. This is what I need to work on. I can best compute, reason, tink, work, judge, when I am free of noises. I am sharp when I don’t have distractions.

What I realise this mornign is that people are my main distraction. And by distraction I don’t mean something negative, I mean a distraction from my ultimate goal in life: be in peace with myself.

While waking up, the thought of distraction brought me immediately back to Will. The love of my life. Why did I leave him, why did I suffer so much for leaving him, and why this and why that. I think I know now: it is because he was a necessary casualty to free my self from distractions that don’t make me see me.

Distraction: something that prevents someone from giving their attention to something else:

Cambridge Dictionary

That’s exactly it. When I am with people, I am prevented from giving my attention to someone else: me. When I am with someone, I tend to reduce me in order to let the other express, shine, decide, say, feel respected. By doing so I let my own self pass on second rang. For the sake of others. I wrote a page of my diary about this, I need to find it again. ’cause its true. this has been one of my main difficulties in life: how to joggle between me and others, how to act and preserve my self against other selves. I see this in my present job, which I like very much, but it gives me pain as well, cause I don’t feel myself enough heard, appreciated and followed, as I should. And when I am with my chef, my superior, I lose my self, and he becomes a distraction, that doesn’t make me see me and my reasoning. How to pierce my own view into them. me against them, woman against a world of men. That too I am sure plays quite a role.

The medicine is giving me more strength and helps me detach from the situation. But I am still vulnerable, and I am still months away from being confident that I will make it without the drugs. I had a dream last night, that I was depressed and felt like doing nothing. The worst nightmare, it reminded me what it feels like to have no motivation.

But waking up, the motivation is there, and I thank God. Nature maybe :-).

10mg

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I am back in Rome for a week. My mom had an urgent surgery due to a hernia that was pushing against the root of the nerve (L4 level), and caused her tremendous pain plus was preventing electric impulse from flowing in her left leg. Bref, as we say in French, I had to rush down to Italy from Lausanne, which was not easy, since COvid measures are still not totally relaxed between countries, and I had to start a sort of pilgrimage to the holy city, which entailed taking the train from Zurich to Chiasso, walk to the Italian border with a big luggage, the laptop bag and a plant for my mom, catch a bus to Como station, and jump on a train hoping it would lead me to Milano Centrale. Almost, it took me to Porta Garibaldi, a few metro stations from my destination. I slept in Milan at an Airbnb, and at 6am the next morning I took the Frecciarossa train to Rome. It took me almost 24h to get there.

A few days earlier I had asked my psychiatrist to reduce Fluoxetin. As I said in another post, the self isolation time has helped me work on myself, and do mental exercises that have helped me get stronger, and feel that my core happiness that I am regaining is due more and more to me and not to the medicament. He agreed to reduce from 20mg to 10mg. Big step for me. I was worried about the consequences, and the effects or side effects it would have on me. I am still very careful, and am being vigilant to the mood shifts I may have. I started 10mg on 5 June, and today is 15 June. Already ten days.

I can’t tell what exactly is the effect of the reduction, but I can certainly tell that my stomach is adjusting to the new intake. I was taking another brand of Fluoxetin, which was in gel capsules (with powder inside), and I had to change it to another brand (solid tablets) because I need to cut the tablet in two (there is no 10mg pill, at least in CH). I can tell that my stomach has been burning during the day, and I am sure it is because of this change. So, that is clear.

What is less clear is whether the reduction is making me more angry, or whether it is my hormonal state. It so happens that I started the reduction just as I was about to have my period. I take Estrogens and Progesterone regularly because in the past years I had started having less and less menstruation (at about 42), as if I were in pre-menopause. I know now that this pre or peri-menopause is due to the stress my mind and soul found themselves in, a slow process towards depression that has blocked my body functions. Just like a high level sportswoman who has no more menstruation because of the strain the training has on her body.

In the past 4-5 days I have found myself angrier, and more “delicate”. I love this word, delicate, Roy from “The IT Crowd” very cutely says it at the episode called “Aunt Irma”. You have to watch this : Series 1 Episode 6 . Hilarious. So, yes, I think I am sensitive because of my period, but my period started and didn’t continue at this round, so that’s another story. I am guessing that I have been hormonally challenged, and on top of that work has been exciting yet stressful, a lot to think about and to follow up on; couple that with the long journey to Rome and the worry that the surgeon might injure my mom even more, I was ready to kill somebody 3 days ago! I didn’t literally kill, but I was very vocal with my words, and found myself being angry at every little thing that was happening to me, all the more when the little thing was against my self. Example: a colleague who didn’t want to help me at work, or the train manager who didn’t want me to get on the train; the lady at the Airbnb who was not talkative and was rather dry (she did her job though, handed me the keys to the room and showed me the kitchen), but I wanted her to be more lovely, just like I am with my guests at home.

Bref…. (long story short), here I am in Rome, I finally made it. My mom had her surgery, she is fine and now I will work from Rome remotely, nursing my mother and giving my father a break. They are getting old. I still don’t know whether my mood swing towards anger had to do with the 10mg, or with my period. Maybe a bit of both? I will monitor the situation and will revert asap.

More soon.

Take action before it’s late

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Dr. G., my psychologist, said one thing that struck me, and that I will forever remember. He said it in such a natural and unassuming way that it resonated clearly in me. He said “you have a certain fascination for dissatisfaction”. And I realised, it’s true. Why? Because when I was at the beginning of the practice, I used to tell him my story, stories, thoughts, fears, anxieties, long story short, I was a mess and he was my punching ball. The thoughts I was sharing with him were initially, say, 99% negative, sad, hopeless; as the medicine was starting to have effect, I started to relax more, the problems in my mind were taking more distance from me, and I tried to see more positive; he was telling me that I had to shift the way I see my reality, and make it work for me. Not easy, as I initially interpreted this recommendation as a way to say “be contented with what you got, that’s all there is, resign yourself to the reality”. Which, in other terms, meant for me “you are a failure, pal, you have messed up, lost the love of your life, never got to finish one thing, are back in a country where you feel trapped, just accept it and find happiness in what you can get”. That’s what I was thinking, and that feeling of dissatisfaction and forced resignation fueled my depressive state. I had such a clog in my stomach every time I was thinking what I was missing in the world, while others were living the life of their dreams, why not me, and yet I am a smart person. Etcetera, etcetera.

Oh, if I recall these thoughts my mood becomes more grey. So I won’t linger too much today, and I will say why I am mentioning this now, months after it happened. First because I want to remember how bad depression felt, and remember to always compare those moments with my moments today; that sadness with today’s serenity, and I’d dare to say, even happiness. I am happy with myself right now. It has only taken me a few months to feel this way. And that’s the other reason why I am mentioning my sad memories. It took me 4 months more or less to feel good again, like I have not felt in years. This is, and I am sure of it, thanks to the medical help I received. I was too low to get back up on my own. BUT! It doesn’t have to be this way. and I am here to warn whoever is reading these notes, whether it is today, 9 May 2020, or in 5 years, or in 20 years. If I had listened to the signs sooner, I would have been able to heal on my own. There is no need for medical chemicals, and I am pretty sure of it. My mother had warned me several times prior to my deepest depression in November. She told me years before, that I should go see someone. Initially she meant a psychologist, and when things got really bad, she advised I go to a psychiatrist. She meant good for me, but I always thought that the mind is something we can control, unlike a broken arm, a heart attack or a kidney infection. We go to the doctor whenever one of our organs hurts; we visit clinics and hospitals way too much even, but whenever the head is concerned, it becomes a taboo, at least in my culture and family environment. So I always felt that going to see a “shrink” meant a defeat, cause I wasn’t able to take care of my own thoughts. Today, 5 months after my biggest (and last!) depression phase, I am glad I listened to my mother – and I know she is glad too.

Each of us goes through his or her own life the way we deem right. We all want to be happy, right? We all want to feel those great sensations that we associate to words such as satisfaction, victory, love, happiness, serenity; I don’t feel good when I hurt somebody, or am hurt, or when I see people murdered on TV, or when a client doesn’t close my deal. There’s some strong feelings in our stomach, in our guts (and I know that Agata has a brain – who the heck is Agata ?). Well, I haven’t listened enough, and am only starting now, because I am in survival mode and will do anything to beat the beast, which is my depression. But it doesn’t have to wait until this late, so if you are reading this and feel depressed, but think you can make it on your own, start taking measures. I took up meditation . It’s soooo good. Can’t believe I didn’t do it until my forties. For you it might be something else. Take action before it’s late. Trust yourself.

Speak soon.

Flashbacks to depression

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It feels so long ago that I was depressed, and today I feel so good, even despite Covid isolation, that has forced me (and almost everyone else on the planet) to stay at home for at least 4 weeks (I am in my fifth week as I write this page). However I often flashback to the days of sadness and desperation, not because I like to relive that pain, but because I want to make sure I won’t feel it in the future.

I tend to forget easily, my memory is really poor (it has always been), I am happy now and I am forgetting how I felt only 4 months ago; in truth, I also forget what I ate last week, what I did at my birthday last year, and forget the wrong that others have done to me in the past (that’s probably why I easily forgive, I forget how bad a wrongdoing, a betrayal or a moral punch felt). That is why during this Coronavirus pandemic, as I find myself alone at home, I have all the time in the world to dedicate to myself and to rhythm my daily hours the way I feel is good for me; during this daily pace I sometimes look back at how I felt four months ago, how unmotivated I was to get out of bed, how every single thing felt like the biggest hurdle to me, even washing the dishes, getting the laundry downstairs, feeling any reason why I should do anything. Today I look at these feelings and observe them from my stronger self, I feel good enough (really good actually) to use this upbeat time and analyse how I let these negative emotions overcome me four months ago; I feel I am gathering all munitions I can to fight back, the day I should have a down moment again.

I know depression is not over, I know this process is long. It took me years to become depressed, I am expecting to take months and years to feel strong in my core again, like I was at 20-25 years old, when the world was mine to conquer. This exercise of looking back at sad and depressive feelings is a very good exercise for me; and I recently told G. (my psychologist), so he can help me figure out some things when I am too close to the object of study (=me) and can’t see the forest from the trees. I am consciously taking action to help my most inner consciousness heal.

I have a renewed admiration for psychologists, their work is so important in our modern society, I had underestimated the need for a mind specialist, someone who treats your thoughts as part of physical body. What a difficult job to choose, I mean, the mind is so complex, more than an arm, or even the heart, and I am realising this more and more as I explore myself during the healing process. Incredible that only four months ago I could not force myself out of bed, even if I wanted to. Someone else inside me was bringing me down, keeping me low, sad, negative, self-pitying for all the bad things that happened to me, and that I let happen. Today not only I get out of bed at the crack of dawn, but I have a long list of things I want to do during the day, and the day is not enough to do everything I want, not even during isolation. It is fantastic that I feel like this again, and I know that a lot is due to my medicaments, so now I want to take responsibility for my own well being, and am going to take any action necessary to replace the chemical medicine with my own natural serotonin and dopamine (and whichever other hormone makes us happy, satisfied and on top of the world).

Meditation as a cure to depression

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I said I was going to write about meditation in a separate post. There it is.

I need to specify that I have tried to meditate for many years, but it has always been a very difficult endeavor for me. I guess it is because I am an active person, my nephews would say even too much 🙂 (I love you A & G), and more than that I think it’s because I am not a patient person. So, whenever I tried in the past to meditate, I would give up after the second or third session, each session not lasting more than 10 minutes, during which my mind would roam around, think, suggest, preoccupy, laugh, cry, upset, etc. All you can imagine when you are not meditating.

But, there’s a but. Yes, it is the circumstances I find myself in at this moment in my life, which are very unique: 1. I took a major step four months ago (five actually) and asked for medical help to get me out of my depressive misery, and 2. the whole world has been on practically total lockdown for 3-4 weeks since the Coronavirus outbreak in China in Dec 2019. Crazy circumstances, I agree, that do not happen every day, or not even in a lifetime (SARS was not as pandemic as this one, although depression is). I decided to make the most out of this situation, and while I am at home by myself, not seeing anybody if not at the supermarket every 3-4 days, I have all the time in the world to concentrate on myself. I feel good, I am seren, I even like my job and its process (which I hated only 4 months ago), what better chance to start meditating? Off I go.

I have a dear friend in L.A. who does meditation and says it not only helps, but it changes your life. Another friend in Johannesburg has been meditating for years, and swears by it. They are both different people with different lives, and a common element in their everyday routine: meditation.

Ok, I have to quickly talk about routine and my allergy for it. This is one of the things that in time made me depressive. I can’t stand routine. I remember when I was with W. (the love of my life, that’s a whole other chapter), we used to laugh at standardisation and routine life. We were the opposite of standard, and we loved our life. It was great. Anything that resembles routine has been stricken off my vocabulary for years. Meditation to me is the quintessence of routine. So I always associated it with a bad thought. Today, as I write this blog, things have changed. I have been at war against depression, and I intend to win. If routine helps me get back my good old jolly being, then be it. I embrace it with all my heart.

So routine it is, and meditation. It’s my third week of every day meditation and I am so proud of myself. half hour every morning, first thing (second actually) after I wake up. You want to know what I use? I of course went online (Oh, Internet, what an invention) and searched for good meditation channels on youtube. I have tried several, I even did meditation with a couple of friends in the past years, to see what matches my needs more. I mentioned in a previous post that I listened a lot to Micheal Sealey. I was often listening to his wonderful soothing voice while trying to calm down and fall asleep, when I was at the height of my depression (sept-dec 2019). I still find him very good, but wanted to find a proper meditation channel, without hypnosis or things that help you fight imminent stress. I am not stressed now, I am not sad and I am feeling good. I want to meditate and forge my mind the way I like it. Hence, I have ventured into breathing meditation. It’s working. In sanskrit it’s called Pranayama. the channel I found is called Breathing Mantra. Check it out if you want. I really like it. It’s not easy, I find, as it teaches you over several levels (level 1, 2, 3 etc) various breathing steps. Of course I still think a lot during these 30 minutes. The first few days 30 minutes felt like 30 years, but as I go a long, I find myself accepting and liking the length, and sometimes, when the horn blows at the end of a session, I think “oh, has it already been 30 minutes?”. Who would have thought…

Day 3 – The relaxation videos

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I knew this day would come. These past couple of days of feeling normal did not ratify the end of my problem. It would have been great to just make all my sadness disappear like that, after one week of pills. One true thing: the medicine only helps to make you feel more “upbeat”, but it won’t solve the deeply rooted problem. you won’t cry, but your issues won’t disappear. For this I need to do a tremendous work on myself, with the help of a psychologist (whom I see this week for the first time).

I haven’t slept much last night. Overwhelming thoughts were stressing me and waking me up every 2 hours. I blame partially Fluoxetin . Even Michael Sealey whom I listen to from time to time on YouTube, when I feel very upset, has only partially relieved my internal turmoil. Another thing I never thought I would do: listen to meditation audios on YouTube. But I am in survival mode, and whatever helps, I take. Michael Sealey was suggested to me by the YouTube app, and I truly appreciate the hard work he has put into making very compelling audios to help (now) 1 million subscribers sleep better, relax, tone down their stress. His voice is very calming, I see why he has reached one million followers. I hope to keep his constancy when I finally do my podcast. If you want to check him out, this is what I listened to last night: hypnosis to let go of negative attachments. Take note: breathing is key.

So, yesterday I spent the afternoon and evening watching two movies and a documentary about Lady Diana; despite the interesting docu about Lady Di, I feel I have wasted precious time in front of a charming box that emits noise and colored images. I could have hiked, swom, visited another country, learnt how to do pottery, climb, work on my podcast…. Anything I don’t experience myself gives me a big clog in my stomach, cause I am missing out on opportunities in the world. This inactivity didn’t make me sleep at night.

That’s the thing : with depression everything seems so unachievable to me, that doing nothing becomes the easiest thing. I am not happy about doing nothing, not at all, but the thought of taking step 1, 2, 3 etc of a project I have in mind (be it washing the dishes, climbing a mountain or making a podcast) becomes very stressful.

And this morning I feel anxious, and a bit desperate, although the medicines are preventing me from crying, for which I am grateful. But the stomach hurts. I wonder if working today is a good idea.

And yet I have handled stressful tasks in the past, through my previous jobs. But that’s another story.

Will aim for a better day tomorrow. Life is beautiful. I just lost the glasses.