Tag: fight depression

Memory loss and anti-depression achievements

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I realised I didn’t write in a long time; on one end it is a good sign, it means I am doing well, I have been busy, I have been my “usual” self (usual = pre-depression); on the other end I am sorry I have neglected you, diary, because this is a long term project and I want to keep a trace of my fight against depression.

I also realise I forgot about the diary. I haven’t thought about it in a long time.

Forgetting is something I do often, I have bad memory, really bad, from childhood in fact. This has been a disadvantage for studies, as I could not memorise much, but a good thing for social liaisons, as I forget easily why I am angry with someone, so I don’t hold a grudge, haha! “I was very angry with you, but I forgot why, so let’s stay friends”. I am a bit like Dory in Finding Nemo.

But this memory thing has gotten a bit worse with the therapy. I took 20mg Fluoxetine from December 2019 until Spring 2022: that’s a bit more than 2 years. Yesterday I went to a new psychiatrist (who needs to report that I am fine with pursuing a private pilot license) and he said that usually memory capabilities go down with psychotropes. This is less of a good news, and I hope it won’t get worse than this. I hope I won’t get Alzheimer. But that is another disease, I don’t see the link with psychiatric remedies.

In hindsight, looking at the last 3 years, since I was depressed and could not get out of bed, where everything was overwhelming, and I didn’t see the sense of life, I look at me today and I see that I have done tremendous progress. Medicine is not necessary, and I don’t recommend it unless you are really really low. I was at a very low point, and could not find in me the strength to get up again. I felt the world was collapsing onto me, too heavy to sustain. So I took some medical crutches, I took an antidepressant, which gave me the mental capacity to get up again on my feet. Antidepressant is not the goal, it’s the means. The most important work is with a psychological consultant who can study your mind, understand where you turn your thoughts in ways that lead you to depression, and prescribes you the mental weapons to grow stronger, avoid the tricks of your mind, come out of your fight with your brain as a winner. Winning is embracing your brain, understanding who you are (not easy at all), and remembering to be gentle with you whilst being demanding.

I don’t think that my psychologist is a great one, he is actually a psychoanalist (I didn’t know then, I just looked up a practice on Google that was walking distance from home….), but he did tell me a few things over 3 years that stuck with me. And I am daily using the exercises to strengthen my mind against the adversities that my own mind finds along the way. I do intentionally look for the elements in the day that make my glass half full instead of half empty. Empty glass is part of the glass, but I know I can make it fuller than emptier, it’s all up to me.

One great example I often think of, is Monsters Inc. Check this scene: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35XcnPM68ro the one eyed monster finds out that he is on the front cover of the magazine, but his face is hidden by the barcode. And yet he is super excited to be on the front cover of the magazine! I find that so cute. Seeing good also when it’s not 100% perfect. I mean, better being partly on the cover than not being there at all.

Anyway, this was just a quick note to say I am back, I haven’t left now that I am feeling good. I am much happier now, quite satisfied with pretty much everything in my life, and working daily on my happiness. I have projects, and I stick to them. That is key for me. Podcast, naturalisation, flying license, sport, travels, work. The fight isn’t over, and I think it will be a fight for life. Winter is coming, I am getting ready.

More soon.

25 June 2022: Last Fluoxetine

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End of a chapter. A long one. After 3 long years. I took my last fluoxetine on 25 June 2022. So happy!

Ok! I know it is not over, I need to monitor my mood, my thoughts, my attitude towards life. Cause the psychologist told me clearly: you will get rid of depression, but your tendency of seeing the glass half empty will still be there, unless you constantly train to change it. He is right. Some days I feel happy because of things going well, and some other days I feel frustrated of what I don’t have, what I am not achieving, or anything else that occurs to my mind that is not positive.

The finishing process started in February. I started taking 1 Fluoxetine every other day, after a month I took it every 3 days, the month after I took 1 Fluoxetine every 4 days, and so on, until last month (June) I took one every 6 or 7 days. I basically took 4 in a month. 20mg, it’s basically zero effect.

At the beginning of this diary I said I was going to fight this monster, and I am fighting it. I am happy about it, and it is the one single most important thing for me to conquer. Without a happy self, I cannot find my balance at work, in love and in society. I am well aware that I am walking on a thin line, like a funambule: everything could change for the worse in no time. I still have a strong attraction for a drastic change of life, I want to escape, leave Switzerland, start traveling, find love, give up my job, be free, disappear. This usually happens when my mind is dissatisfied about something. But then I’d give up all I have worked for in the last 6 years, all for a deep sense of dissatisfaction? Hold on a minute, I must wait; dissatisfaction, you still exist, but it’s how I perceive you that I must chance, I must thame you, every day of my life. Only then I can leave CH.

6 years ago I lost the love of my life; I let him go, I chased him away; I did a terrible thing to our relationship, to his life and to my own life; it is taking me so long to let go of Will, too long; sense of guilt, sense of losing the one true love of my life; alone in this country that is not popular for its social gatherings, a country where I have felt most lonely, so lonely it was unbearable. Sometimes it still feels super lonely, unbearable, and I would like to leave. Maybe I will, but first I have set goals, and I must comply with my goals: end depression, get the Swiss nationality, become a private pilot, move into a new home with my friends. Only then I can think of leaving.

I have met someone through my podcast. We spent some special, short moments together. Unfortunately he is taken, married, with kids, so it’s a no go for me. But it showed me that a new love is possible, and I am grateful for those moments spent with him. I am ready to find a new love, and put the big old love behind me. Step by step.

No Fluoxetine – so far so good

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I am almost through a month with 5 consecutive days off Fluoxetine. In a month, I am only taking 5 pills of 20mg Fluoxetine. In June I will go 6 days off. And after June I will stop completely. This year I have set the time right. I started reducing in February, 2 days off and 1 day on, then 3 days off and 1 day on, and 4 days off and 1 day on; I did this over the course of 3 months. Now I am off 5 days, in 2-3 weeks 6 days, and then the level of antidepressant in my body will be so low that it will be irrelevant. 20mg in 6 days is nothing. It means that the mood I produce is all natural. And this is great. Cause mood has been quite good.

Not much has changed in my life: no new love, work is up and down as in the last couple of years, some sport, not as much as I would like, some travel, definitely not as much as I would like, and I am still living in the same place. I am studying for my pilot license, and soon are the exams. I am following the psychological therapy by seeing my psychologist every 3 weeks. What is changing is the way I look at things, the way I let myself react to outside events. I can’t say I am truly happy, but most days I am serene. Once a month I feel like I want to cry, and I can’t put a finger to what triggers it. Sometimes I think it’s due to the Fluoxetine shot I take randomly (once every xx days) which must have an impact on my moods; and sometimes I relate it to the menstrual cycle and the swingy moods attached to it.

On days like today, where I tend to look ahead in time and can’t see an improvement of my work or love situation, I must make an extra effort to reduce my long term vision, not reflect today’s state with “the rest of my life” state, cause this is a dangerous thought that can lead to insatisfaction. And that is the true enemy for me. Insatisfaction. Seeing the glass empty instead of full.

So, on days like this, I’ll take some time to do an episode of my podcast, I’ll write a page of this diary, I’ll plan some good sport session, and I’ll work as if all was going in the right direction.

Summer has arrived in the North Hemisphere, and this is a huge help. I definitely look forward to the long sunny evenings, the 25 degree air temperature, and with some luck, I will meet some new nice people, and maybe love.

1 day on, 2 days off Fluoxetine – first week

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I did about one week of major reduction of Fluoxetine intake: 1 day on, 2 days off. Today I felt a bit down. I don’t want to be paranoiac, but it’s a fact: every time I feel down now I relate it to the fluoxetine, or lack thereof.

Like my best friend rightfully reminded me the other day, I need to remember that everyone gets moments up and down. I can feel less motivated because of the circumstances.

Good news: my mood hasn’t worsened during the day. I feel ok tonight. I did the evening flight course, went to the gym after work, kept myself busy. The lesson was interesting. Tonight I sense that I could go another full day without fluoxetine… but I will stick to the rule. For now it is 1 day on and 2 days off. once I feel stable and confident, I will start 1 day on and 3 days off. Right now I am happy if my moods stay stable after 2 days without medicine. It’s a real success. I don’t underestimate it. The body is getting used to receiving less chemicals. It will take the time that it will take. I don’t want to rush this mega step.

Step by step.

Three weeks with half dose of Fluoxetine

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It’s March 2022. I have timed it right: start reducing Fluoxetine in spring, and give it up completely by summer. It is a process that takes as long as it takes, I think it’s quite personal. I started taking one 20mg pill every other day, and see how it feels. Once I feel I am in charge, I reduce to 1 pill every three days.

While my psychiatrist told me I could do this whole process in 3 weeks, my psychologist warned me that I must take my time. The body has been used to receiving a chemical for the last 2 years, and it’s accustomed to whatever Fluoxetine does (it inhibits the presynaptic reuptake of the neurotransmitter serotonin…there you go). Not that I understand completely what it does, but it works by inhibiting something on the serotonin level. In normal cases, I am the one inhibiting this action, but for the last 2 years I have been helped by something external.

Hence, I need to start doing that action again by myself, serotonin and all. But I won’t rush my brain to produce serotonin, while my brain has been told to ease that action for 2 years. I am taking it off little by little.

So: how am I doing?

I am doing fine, working on my psychological well being by seeing my doctor every three weeks (or more often if I need to), and three weeks have gone by where I have done one day with 20mg, one day without. The first week I got spooked, cause about 3 nights after the new dosage, I had a crying crisis, and I felt really bad, thinking that I’ll never get out of this. Then I realised that I was close to my menstrual cycle, where I am moody and sad by default (thank you, hormones!) and got relieved. Also, I think that maybe my system started feeling the lack of the medicament, and had a first reaction, just like it happened when I first started taking Fluoxetine (I felt like shit, worse than with my own depression, for about 2 weeks, before the medicine seeped in).

Yesterday I started with phase two: Since beginning of the week I had one Fluoxetine only. I am doing 1 day on, 2 days off. I just started, so I can’t tell how I feel yet. Yesterday (two days in a row without) I felt good. Today (with Fluoxetine) I feel good.

The surroundings and the actions I take to feel good are super important. I am not waiting around monitoring my moods without Fluoxetine. I am doing an hour of sport every day (gym and swim), I am doing physio to heal my knee (ski accident, season is over), I keep working (despite frustrations at work), I keep following the flight course, I keep making one podcast interview per week, I make efforts in going out with people and feeling less lonely in the Swiss environment. All this helps, not only it helps, it makes the difference. Distributing my eggs in different baskets is key: if one basket is not going well, I have another 4 or 5 that my mind can bring its attention to.

My main focus is not to fall into the self pity trap. While there are tons of things I could be unsatisfied about, there are as many things that make me happy, little things and bigger things. I am learning to give more weight to the little achievements. I tend to disregard them as a given, while the non achievements take a much larger space than they should. Lots to work on, but this year the biggest achievement of al will be getting rid of Fluoxetine. One milligram at a time.

15 feb 2022: first day off meds

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Since last year I have been preparing for this day: getting off Fluoxetine. I spoke about it with my psychologist, and on 15 Feb with my psychiatrist, ’cause it’s her who needs to give the go ahead. And so she did. She asked me (to confirm) if I was feeling good, strong and self confident. I sort of am, I have had stronger times last year, when work was going well and I wasn’t doubting my skills. Today I feel good, not “happy” but good enough to give it a go. And I have a concrete reason to do this right now: I want to succeed at my flight school. They won’t let me fly if I am on antidepressants (makes sense). This means that I won’t be able to pass the medical test until months after I quit. The psy said that I will be able to pass the medical exam by July, by then there’s nothing more in my system and I will be stable in my moods. I will do that.

How does it work? I take one tablet every other day on week 1; then one every 3 days on week 2, and by week 3 I stop. Yesterday I didn’t take it. Today I did. Tomorrow I won’t. Spirits are quite high (despite the shitty weather). I am working it out: as soon as some negative thoughts come in (which they do constantly) I acknowledge them but let them go, just like meditation. However, I haven’t been able to sustain meditation sessions over the years, I just find it too numbing in a way, I prefer to have my eyes open and deal with my reality with all my senses. Kudos for those who can meditate, I envy them.

I am definitely scared about letting go of Fluoxetine, no doubt about that; however, I have never gained any benefit from being scared or worried, it just makes things more difficult. So, how about I put aside fear and worry, and let things evolve?

Stay the course, stay the course. Your objective is: by 2024 get Swiss nationality, live in a new home, be a pilot, stay off meds, and keep working at the same company. It’s a big objective for the next 24 months, but feasible, and it gives me reason to be here in Switzerland, and justify the hard times when I say “what the hell am I doing here”.

I am going to better weigh the significance of positive events in my life. Instead of undermining them and taking them for granted, I will pause, observe them and rejoice for every single positive drop in the ocean. It will counterbalance the negative drops that my brain so easily fuels into my body.

Also, 20mg of psychotropes a day, how much can it really be impacting on my whole body? Last night I had dinner with a friend who is taking much more than that. And after 3 years he is still stuck with them, his psychiatrist doesn’t want him to get off meds. Mine does. So that’s in itself a victory. I am ready to let go. My body is. 20mg: goodbye. I will replace it with another 20mg of self induced good mood. Like in the good old days.

Wish me luck!

Was Nelson Mandela ever depressed?

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Staying the course is definitely difficult, whatever course you set out to follow, but it’s doable. It “just” requires assiduity, diligence, even when I don’t see the end of this course.

I have set my course in a time where depression can creep in easily: in winter time. That is my strategy: set a course, and stick to it. Not only it is winter in the Northern hemisphere, but my function in the company has a lot of question marks, and I am living in a country where the past 6 years have been a roller coaster of depression and search for stability. Mix all that, and my anti-depression efforts can easily get down the drain in one nanosecond.

My personal course is: stick to this job (=don’t leave right away, just because i am not satisfied at the moment), apply for Swiss citizenship (it will take 2 years) so I can stay in this country (that was the idea 6 years ago = seek stability), complete the private pilot license and see where it leads you, regularly work on the podcast (publish one episode per week). This is my recipe to stay the course and counteract my depression.

That’s the thing: it is soooo easy to relapse, to look behind you and see everything that doesn’t work, for me it is so easy to look at the half empty glass. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is the strongest, I feel I need 2 to bring myself down, and 8 to counteract with good and positive thoughts. That’s why I say it is hard. But doable, with effort and discipline. I am counting on the fact that, with time, the effort will become less and less difficult, and that the discipline will make my exercise for happiness not feel like an exercise anymore, but a normal way of life.

Looking back I miss the age when I was happy by default, and it required no effort. I think that the years where depression started to creep in were between end 20s and end 30s. Now I am in my 40s and I am consciously arming myself to conquer the happy place that was so natural back then. Funny to think that unconsciously I let my mind play with depressive feelings over the course of 10 or more years, and that now it will take at least as long, if not a lifetime, to chase those feelings and clean my spirit from sad thoughts.

The difficult part in this process for me, is to motivate myself to stay the course during times when I don’t see the point, or the end of the tunnel. It is hard to motivate myself when I wonder whether the effort is worth it. But then I think I am not the only one, and if others can do it, I can. Think of Nelson Mandela, who stayed in prison for almost 3 decades. He kept fighting and survived the cold winters of Robben Island year after year, not knowing whether he was ever going to be set free. But after 27 years he got out. And at the end of his life, his life started again.

That’s how I see myself. The end will be the best part of my life. Cause I will have earned it, and will be consciously happy and glad of what I have done in my life.

Booklet from my health insurance

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Today in the mail I received a booklet from my health insurance entitled “Guide – Depression”. I didn’t have to do much research to figure out that Switzerland has the world’s second highest count of suicides – great! Before us is a country that lives 6 months in darkness. Wow, that must be soooo hard! Tough people, the Nordics. Those who don’t commit suicide I bet they live forever.

Enough with suicide, which is not the topic of this diary. One thing I know for sure is that, despite the lowest, saddest moments I have had in my life, I could never take my life, cause life is too beautiful, and kind of the one precious thing we have. Depression, I admit, makes you think about death a lot, often as sort of a liberation from the unbearable sadness that devastates our souls while depressed. But we know what life is, we don’t know what death is. As my grandma used to say “chi lascia la strada vecchia per la nuova, sa quello che lascia ma non sa quello che trova” (the one who leaves the old road for the new one, he knows what he leaves, but ignores what he is going toward). I don’t know, I just find that this planet is so amazing, and there’s so much to see, so many people to meet, whereas eternity is what, eternal? That sounds boring to me already. So, I tell myself “get your sh*t together and enjoy this world”.

My insurance must know that I am not the only one who tends to be depressed in winter. They must have printed thousands of those booklets. Thousands of potential depressive? In 2020, more than 265 million people were depressed around the world. Proportionally, the African countries are the most affected. I would have not guessed that. I always think of the Africans as of someone dancing, happy, like this guy Mufasa!

It seems that depression is a disease because something changes in our brain, specifically in the way the neurons transfer information. Hence it become a disease. I always considered depression as something we could and should solve with our own efforts, not with medicine. That was true until 2019, when I could no longer get out of bed. Terrible feeling, I don’t wish it to anybody. It’s worse than pain I think, because you are completely unable to control your mind, although you ARE your mind. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like pain, on the contrary, there is some excruciating pain that I don’t even want to imagine. The best is to have no pain and no depression, all right!

Jim Carrey, John Lennon, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Robin Williams, Ernest Hemingway, Van Gogh and many other artists were suffering from depression. Incredible that art and depression can go so hand in hand. The good news is: they were not alone in their struggle.

Anyway, all that to say: I found that the health insurance did a good thing by publishing this booklet. It helps take off the stigma from depression. I was in denial for many years. I still wish that I didn’t have to take medicaments, but I tell myself that I’d rather have a fine, serene winter with the help of Fluoxetin than feeling helpless and unmotivated without it. God bless medicaments. I am working on getting mind-stronger with the help of Dr. G, my psychologist. That is actually the biggest weapon to gain strength and avoid relapse once healed.

My biggest fear, after 2 years of medical treatment, is what will happen once I walk on my own again, without the Fluoxetin crutches. Dr. G. says I am doing well, and I am practising with positive thoughts, exercises and putting my eggs in different baskets. It is a daily work, and winter makes it harder, but I am doing well, and today was sunny and I felt especially well. I worked, swam and recorded a podcast episode.

Stay the Course. It will pay off. One day.

Very hard to stay the course

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Day Two of my resolution, and it’s already a challenge. Damn…

I have the will power of an ant… or maybe ants have a ridiculously big will power despite their size…. insomma, I am having trouble staying the course. As always I look at the big picture, and I see there is road work everywhere: my job, my pilot training, my podcast, my swiss naturalisation, my physical well being. Oh yes, cause when it rains it pours, I bring in all of my weapons to feel worse than I am. Piling up elements that give me a good reason to be self pitying. Great!

No, I won’t give in. Now I am going to concentrate on the good things that happened. Since yesterday, what did I do? I worked, albeit very slowly, but I made an effort to advance with emails and leads. Then I took a break to go to the swimming pool with the intention of swimming 2km; they didn’t let me in because I didn’t have the third vaccine shot; but the good thing is that, instead of feeling defeated, I went back home, changed wardrobe and went straight to the gym for an hour. I’ll do the same today. Friday is my third shot, so the pool isn’t a long wait.

What else did I do to be proud of? Oh yes, I logged in to my bank account to order a credit card; this may sound like a no brainer, but I have been procrastinating this for some time. First I checked Paypal as a method of payment (for my podcast) and when it didn’t work I blocked the process for a couple of weeks. This adds to the other things that don’t work right now. See how easy it is to get demotivated? Man… But I know the trick of my mind, and by writing this here, I am committing to take steps, from the credit card to the vacuum cleaner (my apartment looks like my soul) and the naturalisation quiz… I need to calibrate my mind to take one step at a time, to be ok with seeing imperfection in the big picture, I need to figure out a way to give value to every little move I make towards perfectioning the big picture.

Ok, so today I didn’t order a credit card, but I logged in and realised that logging in won’t help, I have to make a call to the bank. The ideal big picture is a picture with a nice credit card ready for my podcast, but to get there I need to make all the steps that are required to obtain the card. Today I took the step of logging in. It doesn’t show in the big picture, but once I get my credit card, the big picture will be more complete.

What else is missing in the big picture? Motivation at work. I will send more emails and will advance every day, even if I am moving at very slow pace right now. I want to use this slow time to advance with the other things are are part of the big picture. Like the swiss naturalisation test. So after this diary I will read some more swiss history, and get closer to my 19 jan goal (the written test). If they ask me about William Tell I know the answer :-).

What else is in the big picture? the pilot license, called PPL (private pilot license), which worries me because there is a lot to learn and I feel my head will explode. However, I am a smart person, and should be able to make it. Plus I love flying, being in the air, and skydiving. So piloting should come easy…. ok, since the naturalisation test is on 19 jan and the pilot classes start on 31 jan, I will not worry about the latter yet.

I feel a bit better than before. Jotting it all down helps.

When the damn winter ends, this will be good too.

Stay the course

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Resolution of the year 2022: stay the course. Even if the mind plays you tricks. Mine does.

The year 2021 has ended with uncertainty with regards to my work evolution. I spent the last months working hard, and dedicating lots of time to my job, as I was finally enjoying the aviation aspect of my sales role. But the product I am selling is not in the roadmap of our R&D department, hence it is unclear whether the company will properly invest in aviation, or not. And this will determine whether I can continue or not with my present job.

As I would normally do, my mind starts telling me “get away from this situation”, everything starts rapidly to look like a disaster, negative thoughts start overcoming the positive ones, and when I look at the big picture, I get overwhelmed, thinking I will never get there. There where? not sure, but there.

But! Two years of psychotherapy have taught me that I tend to be attracted by dissatisfaction, and especially in winter, the short days, the cold weather, the darkness, and Switzerland make me miss what I had before, my love, my life in the Caribbean; I miss other people’s lives, thinking I could be a kitesurf teacher and spend half of the year in Bresil like some people I know, or I could be a video journalist and travel the world etc etc… but this time I have munitions against my own thoughts. Even though it is still super hard to counteract my own negative thoughts, I have decided that I will stay the course.

And the course is: do the Swiss naturalisation process and complete the pilot license. Two years. I must do it, it’s about my own sanity. So, at the same time as doing naturalisation and license, I will continue my work of business development in aviation, and will continue believing in it. I will gain more know-how, instead of losing the competitive advantage I gained in the past 15 months, and I will be patient until something comes up from these actions.

Patience is not my forte. To stay the course is to be patient, and not look at or envy other lives. I had a good year 2021, for work and social life, I travelled a lot too, despite Covid and all, I want to remember this and not take it for granted. I want to put all the positive elements on the right side of the scale, to counterbalance the negative that necessarily comes to my mind.

So, resolution 2022: stay the course, don’t panic about things not being perfect. It’s ok if the big picture isn’t perfect.