Tag: depression relapse

Does depression get under your skin?

diariolottatoreLeave a comment

There we go. Not even two months since I stopped taking the antidepressants and I am finding myself crying on the couch since yesterday. Is this thing ever going to go away? I meditate and all, but it’s come back. And the looming lockdown ain’t gonna help. Che palle. Shit! Merde!!

If you ask me, it seems as though this disease, that we should be able to control in our mind, is very strong, and is looking for a host, like a virus; it requires I don’t know what, to eradicate it. You know that virus that you get when you have herpes (like on the side of your lips): that virus stays in your body forever, silent mostly, and then it comes up when your immune system is low and stress goes high. I feel depression is the same. I hope not, but damn, I thought I had progressed in the past year, and here it comes again. Do I have to live with it all my life? Why has it entered in the first place?

I have so much to do for work, and I cannot concentrate. I have an important call with an international client, and I am afraid of the results. It could turn into a tough conversation, and I don’t want to deal with it, it scares me. No it doesn’t scare me, it stresses me. I am worried that I may make mistakes, I am worried of what the CEO thinks of me. I feel as though I had had a burnout and I have a hard time getting back on my feet.

Burnout: we never even knew this word 10 years ago. And now all I hear around me is burning out, risk of burnout, stress at work, stress in life, tension, expectations, challenges, etc. I had a simpler life before, I had my man beside me, I was younger, life was easier. And now I feel stuck again. While a few months ago life was good again. I had closed an important deal, I had found new friends, I have spent two beautiful weeks at the sea, I have bought a SUP for the lake and a wetsuit for swimming in winter. And now I am back to square one? No way.

I feel like a child who cries when he cannot have what he wants. Work is difficult right now? I cry. I miss W. so much? I cry. My sister in law doesnt want to talk to me? I cry. Now, is this me being spoilt and unable to cope, or is it a disease where I see all black? Cause I wasn’t like that in the past. Or maybe I was and I just had to wait and see? No, I remember when life was easy, during my studies, in Rome, living with my parents and traveling to study languages. Now, 20 odd years later, I feel my life is an echec. But in truth it’s not, I just perceive it as such. If only I could find a balance in me. Happiness is inside, not outside. I shouldn’t care if a client isn’t happy with me. who cares. but I am, to a point that I stress and depress.

I have written to Dr. N. and asked if I can resume Fluoxetin. 10mg. Let’s see what he says.

La ricaduta

diariolottatoreLeave a comment

ça y est – as they say in French. Monday 12 October 2020, after 9 months of finally feeling normal and serene, I had a relapse. I woke up in the morning and an overwhelming, irresistible, unavoidable feeling of depression pervaded my whole mind and body. I was petrified, scared and thought “oh no please, not this”. It isn’t over, and if I don’t take precautions, depression will resume. Why? Boh, I can’t quite capture why last Monday I started crying as if there is no tomorrow. I recognised that invasive feeling that pulls the plug off any motivation that you have in your body; I don’t know, although I can reflect on it, why I felt helpless on that Monday morning, and not the evening before.

Let’s see. The day before I was talking to my friend A., and he was giving me advice on how to negotiate my salary with my CEO; this is something that is tormenting me, as I don’t like to negotiate my salary and conditions, but at the same time I know I am being underpaid for what I bring to the company; so, there’s that point. Another thing that was going on in the last days was the amount of work adding up to my desk, important deals to make, the pressure of sales, and two big customers who are complaining about contracts and price lists; I felt all this weighing on my shoulders; another element is weather: going towards winter, the cold has already started, the days are getting shorter and I simply hate autumn, as it is the prelude to the darkest and coldest time of the year in Europe, it is rainy, it is basically the perfect prelude to depression. And I knew that: winter is no good time to stop antidepressants; that’s why I had decided to reduce Fluoxetin in June, and then cut off in August, which is still in summer. But I didn’t consider that it takes time for the body to adjust to the new life without drugs. Anyway, I did the best I could, all things considered.

One thing I noticed when I was taking the drug, is a sort of layer of pleasant detachment from peak emotions that Fluoxetin gave me; I felt as though the problems were far away, not touching me as they usually would; so I felt more in peace, more detached and neutral to the events in life; I guess that now that I am “me” without drugs, this layer is slowly fading and I am exposed to the real feel of those emotions, especially the ones that are negative, like stress, fear of rejection, jealousy, anxiety. I want to stay strong, and am taking action: I resumed meditation, I try to do half hour in the evening, and half hour in the morning; then I took up sport again, which is great, as it gives me physical strength and keeps my mind focused. Then I try to have more social life, which in Switzerland is not given… and then I strive to do one thing at a time, which for me is difficult, but I make an effort, so I don’t feel overwhelmed and I don’t panic.

That’s what it is! I panicked, too many negative thoughts were coming to me in the last days leading to Monday, and I lost it. One thought at a time is the deal. I’ll make the best out of this circumstance.

But man, was that scary. It was a clear reminder that depression is not to be underestimated; it isn’t over until it’s over, and I am no longer lowering the guard.

I miss W. tremendously.

More soon.