Letting go. the keyword of these days. the fil rouge, the common thread. Il filo di Arianna. I have been thinking a lot about this diary, and every time I want to write something I get swamped with work or other chores. Now I am writing, even though it isn’t a perfect page. It’s not all I want to say, but it’s something, and it’s an important topic. Be it only a paragraph, I will post it today. Costi quel che costi!

And this is the whole point of the post: let go of my own OCD, whether OCD stands for obsessive compulsive disorder (strive for perfectionism and efficiency for me), or simply daily obsessions or habits that force my mind to not be free or serene. I am letting go of small and big things. I mean, super small and super big.

The super small is leaving the kitchen table not completely tidy as I head to the bathroom after breakfast. I’ll do it in a second step. Super small is not rinsing the tupperware that is on my bathtub and that I just used for something (I won’t go into details); super small is leaving the dining room table full of little telescope items from my dad’s Celestron (one that I am helping assembling, cause dad can’t figure out the instructions); super small (actually not that super small in my head) is forcing myself to not go from point A to point B in an efficient way (efficient being picking up all items along the way that I could do in one go, instead of walking from A to B for 5 times to do what I could in one go). Efficiency and strive for perfection is what drives my mind. I guess it’s OCD all right.

Bigger things, the biggest actually: letting go of Will. This is the W. I mentioned in my posts all this time. His name is Will. He is the love of my life, I left him 5 years ago. It took me 5 whole looooong painful years, mentally and physically, to let go. And just like that, after reading a text from my friend L. in Montreal, it became clear in my heart. I must let him go, he is gone, he has taken a new path, he is “rid” of me, and I accept it now.

I am still on Fluoxetin, 20mg a day since December 2020 non stop. I am in a good mood, I can see above my problems, I can be rational. The big challenge will come when I stop the medicament. Then letting go will have all its power.

One step at a time. For now I am happy about this super big and super small achievements.