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Routine

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May 15, four nights ago, was my first business night out since the COvid 19 lockdown started. My first day in lockdown was Monday 16 March 2020. Exactly 60 days of isolation.

It feels good to be in a hotel again, having dinner at the restaurant downstairs, taking a shower in a new bathroom, with great showerhead by the way! The bed was super comfy… And yes, there’s a “but”.

During my 8-week lockdown in Switzerland, I have been able to work on myself in ways I haven’t done before. The forced isolation, having no one around to influence me (positively or negatively), being faced to myself and myself only, allowed me to build my day the way I felt was good for me. I adjusted my sleeping patterns, rhythming my day and night according to my own internal body clock; I have developed and enjoyed routines, things I do every day almost exactly the same time in the same way. Want to know?

Between 5 and 6 am I wake up. I go out to the balcony and have a walk around, looking for the position of the big dipper which shows me what time it is; then I go back to bed and I meditate for 30 minutes sitting upright on the mattress (the breathing mantra, remember? I am exploring Bahya Kumbhaka right now). After meditation I prepare breakfast, it takes me about 30 minutes because it is my favorite meal of the day. I enjoy the process, and watching the news to stay up to date on Coronavirus and other world news. Then day starts. Mid way I take 15 minute break and do exercise for the eyes (the laptop screen is killing me!). And I also take time to cook, that is a new routine I have been enjoying. A Whatsapp chat with my parents back in Rome, some yoga at 7pm with my friends in Italy; oh yes, 15 minute planck at 8h10am with M., my best friend, via Zoom :-). That is the COvid routine. I enjoy it so much that I want to keep doing it after lockdown is over.

My neighbor friend who has a baby daughter of 2 years of age, read that a baby needs routine to grow happy and serene. During COvid she has been a much happier baby for instance, since mom and dad were at home, and they have developed a daily routine with her (from eating to walking to doing some chores, etc). I asked my friend to give me some literature about this link between happy child and routine. So I searched “baby routine brings happy adult” and I found a website which has an article that describes how happiness is mostly a habit. “We all know that some of us tend to be more upbeat than others. Part of this is inborn, just the fate of our genes that give us a happier mood. But much of our mood is habit” (see the related article: Teaching Your Child the Art of Happiness). Wow, I had not thought about this. And it’s so true.

Long story short: before I left for Interlaken on Thursday, I had decided I would continue the routine, even outside of my COvid nest, so I brought things with me that would help me with that, including my eye drops, cream for the body, the cerchietto (hairband) which I use when I start working at the laptop (cause my hair gets in my eyes), the omega oils I take at breakfast, the Freitag headset to listen to the youtube mantra, etc. I have to tweak a few things, but we can be flexible, right? For example, at this hotel breakfast is only at 8h30 – due to Coronavirus – My breakfast at home is around 5h30-6h00, so it’s almost 3 hours of difference, but it’s ok, I can do other things in between. Back home now, and I have missed it, I must say. It was great to be out and about, and I am glad it’s over.

I like my routine, I will keep doing it, even after lockdown. It will take more effort, but the good it does to me is unmeasurable and priceless.

The second brain

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This morning, while doing my routine mantra meditation, breathing in with a “So”, breathing out with a “Hum” (see my previous post), I was following the movement of my belly, up and down, as I kept breathing in paces of 6-6-12 (6 counts inhale, 6 counts hold, 12 counts exhale). And I couldn’t but think that the brain cannot only be in the head. What makes us feel, think, react, live, must be placed somewhere in our guts, and it’s maybe spread around, not identifiable in one single organ or section. Remember the gut feeling you have about something? You cannot quite tell what it is, but you know you should trust your instinct? Or what about the butterflies in the stomach when you see someone you really like, or when you feel you are about to achieve a great goal in that moment?

This reminds me of a book I heard of a couple of years ago, I will think of the title. Lots of studies have been made over the years, and if you Google “second brain”, you will find lots of litterature. I found this very funny article from 2012 BBC, where a journalist reports the journey that a mini camera made through his digestive system. Very interesting, and intriguing to actually see what happens inside us. All the more important for me to keep this in mind forever: I am and I feel not only through my head, but through my guts. And I want to find a better way to communicate with that second brain.

The Buddhists say “we are what we eat”, and that is so true. I mean, it makes sense, right? What else would we be, if not what we are ingesting? Air, water and food make most of our identity. Well I guess pollution too. That is why I am also taking a big step into cooking more from scratch, and eating organic food when possible, and diverse food, not one kind, not vegan because I need meat and fish from time to time, but not exaggerating with any of the foods. I will dedicate a page of this diary to food later.

So the greatest discovery for me, or let’s say re-discovery, thanks to meditation, is that I am now connecting with both my brains, and I am giving space to my guts, which I haven’t done in the past. I am pretty sure that some of the “subconscious” comes from there too. If only I could find a way to speak with my second brain, and to understand her language I will call my guts Agata (you can tell I am watching Casa de Papel :-)). Have you watched it too? So you know who Agata is.

Not an easy task, to listen to and understand Agata. But in only three weeks of regular meditation I have come to this conclusion. I am excited to see what else I will find out in 10 months, 1 year, 5 years from now. I only need to stay constant, and not only I will fight this depression, but I will learn about myself in ways I would not consider possible until now.

PS: I found the book about the guts. It’s by Giulia Enders and it’s called Gut: The Inside Story of our Body’s Most Underrated Organ. Watch her Ted Talk. If you read it, please let me know how it is.

Body fissure and depression

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We are what we eat. Damn true. What else would we be, if not the result of our digestion and our breathing? I am taking care of the breathing part, and as an Italian have always been raised to eat healthy. But one major incident two years ago compelled me to take the eating very seriously. It’s all connected, I see it now. But when I had this issue in 2017 it caught me very unprepared.

I had always suffered of some colitis, sometimes digestion irregularities and constipation. But in december 2017 something broke down there and it felt like my physical body had started a war against me. Never in my life I had felt such a pain, so pungent, like 1000 sword blades piercing my anus. Sorry to be so graphic, but that’s how it felt. Every time I went to the loo, it hurt yes, but it was only 30 minutes later that the real pain started to occur, and would not leave me for hours. Sometimes 2-3-4 hours. I had to live with it for a year and a half. It’s called anal fissure. You don’t know that half of the adult population has it, until you have it. It’s not something you tell to someone to start a casual conversation (“Hey nice to meet you. Got anal fissure too?”). It’s one of those experiences in my life I would have gladly given up, if I had had the choice. Interestingly, it all occurred as a build up of circumstances, a mechanical one (I am sure of it, cross fit and interval training had never been part of my normal sport routine), and a few (a few!) emotional ones. I had broken up with W. a year and a half earlier (worst decision of my life, I thought at the time, in part I still do), I had fallen for a guy who didn’t love me (and that hurts), and my job was a disaster (reason why I had returned to Switzerland). All in all one failure after another in a couple of years. The world completely turned around, slowly, constantly, inexorably. W. didn’t want to speak with me after what I did to him, and I have been mourning his loss since summer 2016 (although technically I quit); A. was present and absent at the same time (a psychological case I was not prepared for), K., who came before A. and after W. , was a real mistake in my life, and my bottom couldn’t take it anymore. It broke just like my heart broke for losing W., for not being loved by A., for mistaking great sex for love with K.. The pain that I physically felt from december 2017 until last month (way after the surgery) has been my body aching for my soul. I know it now, and thanks to the emotional distance I am taking through the Fluoxetin tablets, I am capable of discerning, study my situation, analyse what happened from distance, and learn from my past. I am learning a lot. 46 years old and still learning. I hope to live beyond 80 and learn some more.

I started this post with the intention to write about diet and the importance of balanced nutrition to heal from my depression, but I guess I had to take one step back and tell you about my fissure. The pain I have carried has been terrible, it has impacted my everyday life for over 18 months, and it is the perfect symbolism of my internal, deeper and more invisible pain that hasn’t been able to surface properly, a pain from the core, a wound that didn’t know how to heal, and it kept breaking, breaking, breaking until I had to fix it surgically. The proctologist is the doctor specialised in the digestive tract all the way to the anus. I found a funny one (he once told me no one was taking such good care of my butt like him, ha!); the surgery was less painful than the daily pain I had to endure until operation day, but boy it hurt the first night after surgery, when I didn’t time the pain killer effects right. I remember calling my yoga teacher in tears, begging her to give me some breathing techniques so I could just embrace the pain. I tried, I swear, but I felt so much pain I cannot describe it to you now. The only thing I can remember is that I wanted to hit my head as hard as possible against the wall, so I could fall unconscious and not feel that pain for a while. Tramadol started having its effect 1.5 hours later. 1.5 hours of pure hell. But once Tramadol (an opiaceum) kicked in, it felt real, real good. I was drugged and I was so grateful to the whole medical population on Earth.

Since the beginning of this anal adventure, I have started drinking much more water (at least 1.5L per day) and I am taking good care of what I eat. I’ll write more soon in a new post. Gotta go iron now (Coronavirus side effects).

Thoughts during mantra

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Soham or Sohum (सो ऽहम् so ‘ham or so ‘Hum) is a Hindu mantra, meaning “I am He/That” in Sanskrit.

From Wikipedia

In a previous post (meditation as a cure to depression) I wrote about a meditation mantra I have now followed for 4 weeks, pretty much since beginning of Covid isolation time. This morning, after waking up (and watching the stars to check more or less what time it was – I’ll talk about that another time, really nice btw) I went back to my bed and started my morning meditation. Ok pause there. I never thought in my life I would say “I had my morning meditation”, wow, how things can change. Good change.

Back to the mantra, this session was 7 – 21:
Sooooo: you breathe in for 7 counts
Hummm: you breathe out for 21 counts.

I started with lower ratios, 2 in 2 out, 4 in 4 out, then after a while 6 in 18 out, 10 in 10 out. This mantra is supposed to make you control your breathing, go deep into your breathing pattern, and focus. A professor’s lecture I found on youtube explains really well what focus means, and what meditation is about. I highly recommend to listen to it: Dr. Denise Compton, clinical psychologist, at the UAMS Reynolds Institute on Aging.
One thought after another: that for me is meditation for now. Forget about not thinking, for every 5 seconds of meditation I am happy if one thought only has surfaced. This is progress, my friend, let me tell you!

So, while I was meditating this morning I thought (right..) that I would want to write down my incoming thoughts in my diary, and share them with me (and you). More than that, I want to observe as they go through my mind, and understand why some thoughts are recurring every morning, and what the subconscious (or whatever we want to call it, help me find a name, ’cause I don’t think it’s that “sub”conscious) tells me. The more I meditate, the more I enter in a space within me, where my “me” talks to my other “me”. Of course I am one, but part of my one is separated, and I start thinking that this separation is ancestral, that it’s due to survival, evolution, a mechanism that self ignites when things go bad. It’s as uncontrollable as the heart beating; it’s so powerful because it is still us, but we don’t have easy access to it. And all the daily noise, the hustle and bustle, the modern life, the inputs we receive every single day, the influence our peers have on us, the social obligations, the moral constraints, the religious beliefs, the subjective elements of our own cultures, etc.. make us strain from that “me” that is there but hardly audible. No wonder that the rare people in this world who are able to really control their mind (and heart, remember Siddharta?) are the monks in the isolated monasteries. And that’s where many of us strive to go, to regain control of our life. I haven’t thought about this until recently, when a German Couchsurfing friend visited me just before the Covid lockdown, after spending 6 months in a monastery.

All that to say, I am starting to appreciate meditation, and the change it can bring me. This powerful method takes definitely longer (a lifetime of constant practice?), but I believe it can heal depression. It can actually avoid it. It can make us resilient. Meditation, yoga, psychological sessions with a pro…, whatever makes us go inside instead of outside helps. And now that I am not depressed, and that this lockdown is giving me a monastery-like environment (I see nobody, I don’t go out, I am with myself), I want to take advantage of this situation and meditate, learn about myself.

Flashbacks to depression

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It feels so long ago that I was depressed, and today I feel so good, even despite Covid isolation, that has forced me (and almost everyone else on the planet) to stay at home for at least 4 weeks (I am in my fifth week as I write this page). However I often flashback to the days of sadness and desperation, not because I like to relive that pain, but because I want to make sure I won’t feel it in the future.

I tend to forget easily, my memory is really poor (it has always been), I am happy now and I am forgetting how I felt only 4 months ago; in truth, I also forget what I ate last week, what I did at my birthday last year, and forget the wrong that others have done to me in the past (that’s probably why I easily forgive, I forget how bad a wrongdoing, a betrayal or a moral punch felt). That is why during this Coronavirus pandemic, as I find myself alone at home, I have all the time in the world to dedicate to myself and to rhythm my daily hours the way I feel is good for me; during this daily pace I sometimes look back at how I felt four months ago, how unmotivated I was to get out of bed, how every single thing felt like the biggest hurdle to me, even washing the dishes, getting the laundry downstairs, feeling any reason why I should do anything. Today I look at these feelings and observe them from my stronger self, I feel good enough (really good actually) to use this upbeat time and analyse how I let these negative emotions overcome me four months ago; I feel I am gathering all munitions I can to fight back, the day I should have a down moment again.

I know depression is not over, I know this process is long. It took me years to become depressed, I am expecting to take months and years to feel strong in my core again, like I was at 20-25 years old, when the world was mine to conquer. This exercise of looking back at sad and depressive feelings is a very good exercise for me; and I recently told G. (my psychologist), so he can help me figure out some things when I am too close to the object of study (=me) and can’t see the forest from the trees. I am consciously taking action to help my most inner consciousness heal.

I have a renewed admiration for psychologists, their work is so important in our modern society, I had underestimated the need for a mind specialist, someone who treats your thoughts as part of physical body. What a difficult job to choose, I mean, the mind is so complex, more than an arm, or even the heart, and I am realising this more and more as I explore myself during the healing process. Incredible that only four months ago I could not force myself out of bed, even if I wanted to. Someone else inside me was bringing me down, keeping me low, sad, negative, self-pitying for all the bad things that happened to me, and that I let happen. Today not only I get out of bed at the crack of dawn, but I have a long list of things I want to do during the day, and the day is not enough to do everything I want, not even during isolation. It is fantastic that I feel like this again, and I know that a lot is due to my medicaments, so now I want to take responsibility for my own well being, and am going to take any action necessary to replace the chemical medicine with my own natural serotonin and dopamine (and whichever other hormone makes us happy, satisfied and on top of the world).

Meditation as a cure to depression

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I said I was going to write about meditation in a separate post. There it is.

I need to specify that I have tried to meditate for many years, but it has always been a very difficult endeavor for me. I guess it is because I am an active person, my nephews would say even too much 🙂 (I love you A & G), and more than that I think it’s because I am not a patient person. So, whenever I tried in the past to meditate, I would give up after the second or third session, each session not lasting more than 10 minutes, during which my mind would roam around, think, suggest, preoccupy, laugh, cry, upset, etc. All you can imagine when you are not meditating.

But, there’s a but. Yes, it is the circumstances I find myself in at this moment in my life, which are very unique: 1. I took a major step four months ago (five actually) and asked for medical help to get me out of my depressive misery, and 2. the whole world has been on practically total lockdown for 3-4 weeks since the Coronavirus outbreak in China in Dec 2019. Crazy circumstances, I agree, that do not happen every day, or not even in a lifetime (SARS was not as pandemic as this one, although depression is). I decided to make the most out of this situation, and while I am at home by myself, not seeing anybody if not at the supermarket every 3-4 days, I have all the time in the world to concentrate on myself. I feel good, I am seren, I even like my job and its process (which I hated only 4 months ago), what better chance to start meditating? Off I go.

I have a dear friend in L.A. who does meditation and says it not only helps, but it changes your life. Another friend in Johannesburg has been meditating for years, and swears by it. They are both different people with different lives, and a common element in their everyday routine: meditation.

Ok, I have to quickly talk about routine and my allergy for it. This is one of the things that in time made me depressive. I can’t stand routine. I remember when I was with W. (the love of my life, that’s a whole other chapter), we used to laugh at standardisation and routine life. We were the opposite of standard, and we loved our life. It was great. Anything that resembles routine has been stricken off my vocabulary for years. Meditation to me is the quintessence of routine. So I always associated it with a bad thought. Today, as I write this blog, things have changed. I have been at war against depression, and I intend to win. If routine helps me get back my good old jolly being, then be it. I embrace it with all my heart.

So routine it is, and meditation. It’s my third week of every day meditation and I am so proud of myself. half hour every morning, first thing (second actually) after I wake up. You want to know what I use? I of course went online (Oh, Internet, what an invention) and searched for good meditation channels on youtube. I have tried several, I even did meditation with a couple of friends in the past years, to see what matches my needs more. I mentioned in a previous post that I listened a lot to Micheal Sealey. I was often listening to his wonderful soothing voice while trying to calm down and fall asleep, when I was at the height of my depression (sept-dec 2019). I still find him very good, but wanted to find a proper meditation channel, without hypnosis or things that help you fight imminent stress. I am not stressed now, I am not sad and I am feeling good. I want to meditate and forge my mind the way I like it. Hence, I have ventured into breathing meditation. It’s working. In sanskrit it’s called Pranayama. the channel I found is called Breathing Mantra. Check it out if you want. I really like it. It’s not easy, I find, as it teaches you over several levels (level 1, 2, 3 etc) various breathing steps. Of course I still think a lot during these 30 minutes. The first few days 30 minutes felt like 30 years, but as I go a long, I find myself accepting and liking the length, and sometimes, when the horn blows at the end of a session, I think “oh, has it already been 30 minutes?”. Who would have thought…

Not easy to fight depression

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(written on 11 dec 2019) Third week of Fluoxetin and since yesterday I have felt sad and helpless again. Maybe because I started working again. The thought of the tasks ahead overwhelms my head, and I have major difficulties discerning the single steps to take to solve one problem, and taking one thing at a time instead of looking at the big messy picture. This is the loop I find myself in, that I have to overcome: the gap I see between where I want to be and where I am, and the effort it takes to get there. So, instead of taking baby steps and start doing something, I paralyse (tétaniser in French), I block and petrify. And no action comes, which makes me more frustrated. The big picture in my life looks insurmountable. I don’t know how to get over this hurdle.

I haven’t written in days because I went on a long weekend with my family in Holland, and didn’t have a computer. I didn’t have much joy during the trip, but at least I wasn’t desperate. Being with my loved ones (father, mother, brother) helps. On the last day I started feeling anxiety build up, ’cause they were leaving before me, and I had to stay a whole afternoon in Amsterdam by myself. Usually it would be no problem, but since my breakdown I fear being alone. What a mess! Head, please get it together, this is not the end of the world. Listen to me!

Working I think helps, or should help, ’cause it distracts me. But this morning it is 8am and I am writing the diary instead of getting ready to work. How can I explain what goes on in my head… let’s see. There is a physical sense of discomfort all around my cortex, the stomach is burning, as I think of the actions I will have to take to write and to call this or that client, I boycott my own thoughts and images of action, so that inaction feels simpler and more comforting. Can anyone help me overcome this? Have you been in a similar situation and have got out of it?

I will see the psychologist for the second time tomorrow. I am not sure if he is the right one. It’s so difficult to find a good one who can interpret your thoughts for you. He told me he will help me find again what I truly desire, he thinks that’s what’s missing, my deepest desire, what I wish for in my life. I feel I need daily instruments to help my mind find peace; something like mental exercises of positive thinking, but not just positive affirmations which I personally find of no use (the likes of “I am good, I am abundant, I am great” etc).

Well, I know what makes me happy: it’s the constant discovery of new experiences while traveling around the world with a companion who shares my passion. Being surprised by the beauty of this world, encounter amazing people and explore, get my senses stimulated, rejoyce of the sunshine on my skin, the wind in my hair, the sense of freedom the world gives me.

Day 4 – The Effect of Fluoxetin

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For two days on week 1 of taking antidepressants I have had a sense of normalcy, it felt really good, as if I had always been well. Not really joy, but serenity, no anxiety for things not done, no fear of the future, no sense of jealousy for anybody else who is successful around my world, and so on.

I was hoping that this sensation would continue, but now I am on week 2 and I have not sensed this serenity again. That’s really too bad; my friend, who took antidepressants in the past, said it takes 2-3 weeks to get used to the medicine, and for it to have effect. The psychiatrist (the Congolese happy fellow) told me that for half of the patients this medicine does not have any effect, and that possibly it’s just placebo effect.

Placebo effect: what an invention. If I look at the definition it says “a beneficial effect produced by a placebo drug or treatment, which cannot be attributed to the properties of the placebo itself, and must therefore be due to the patient’s belief in that treatment.” So placebo is something that feels real, but isn’t. The mind can have such a healing effect on us. This is great news, and I knew that before, so much so that I always refused (until 2 weeks ago) to take medicines to treat problems related to the mind. I say: if it’s in the mind, I can control it. Well, I still believe that, but I also think that some chemical inbalance must have occurred in my brain; due to the many months (and years) of filling my mind with negative thoughts, sense of frustration, incapability of figuring out my professional life, and blocking myself on many fronts, my mind must have developed a different chemical reaction, and the nice hormones that make you feel happy and serene are no longer generated by themselves. This is what was explained to me. There’s a very smart guy who talks about these hormones; sometimes I listen to him on YouTube, cause he is fascinating. Here’s one video: (Simon Sinek) How Do the Chemicals Affect Work Life Balance?.

So, going back to my point, if I can get help through medicines and release again these hormones in my brain, then I can train my mind to think positive, and to take the necessary steps to be happy again. At this point I don’t care if the medicine is a placebo or not, as long as it works. This is war against depression, and I intend to win.

Day 3 – The relaxation videos

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I knew this day would come. These past couple of days of feeling normal did not ratify the end of my problem. It would have been great to just make all my sadness disappear like that, after one week of pills. One true thing: the medicine only helps to make you feel more “upbeat”, but it won’t solve the deeply rooted problem. you won’t cry, but your issues won’t disappear. For this I need to do a tremendous work on myself, with the help of a psychologist (whom I see this week for the first time).

I haven’t slept much last night. Overwhelming thoughts were stressing me and waking me up every 2 hours. I blame partially Fluoxetin . Even Michael Sealey whom I listen to from time to time on YouTube, when I feel very upset, has only partially relieved my internal turmoil. Another thing I never thought I would do: listen to meditation audios on YouTube. But I am in survival mode, and whatever helps, I take. Michael Sealey was suggested to me by the YouTube app, and I truly appreciate the hard work he has put into making very compelling audios to help (now) 1 million subscribers sleep better, relax, tone down their stress. His voice is very calming, I see why he has reached one million followers. I hope to keep his constancy when I finally do my podcast. If you want to check him out, this is what I listened to last night: hypnosis to let go of negative attachments. Take note: breathing is key.

So, yesterday I spent the afternoon and evening watching two movies and a documentary about Lady Diana; despite the interesting docu about Lady Di, I feel I have wasted precious time in front of a charming box that emits noise and colored images. I could have hiked, swom, visited another country, learnt how to do pottery, climb, work on my podcast…. Anything I don’t experience myself gives me a big clog in my stomach, cause I am missing out on opportunities in the world. This inactivity didn’t make me sleep at night.

That’s the thing : with depression everything seems so unachievable to me, that doing nothing becomes the easiest thing. I am not happy about doing nothing, not at all, but the thought of taking step 1, 2, 3 etc of a project I have in mind (be it washing the dishes, climbing a mountain or making a podcast) becomes very stressful.

And this morning I feel anxious, and a bit desperate, although the medicines are preventing me from crying, for which I am grateful. But the stomach hurts. I wonder if working today is a good idea.

And yet I have handled stressful tasks in the past, through my previous jobs. But that’s another story.

Will aim for a better day tomorrow. Life is beautiful. I just lost the glasses.