Category: take action

Three weeks with half dose of Fluoxetine

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It’s March 2022. I have timed it right: start reducing Fluoxetine in spring, and give it up completely by summer. It is a process that takes as long as it takes, I think it’s quite personal. I started taking one 20mg pill every other day, and see how it feels. Once I feel I am in charge, I reduce to 1 pill every three days.

While my psychiatrist told me I could do this whole process in 3 weeks, my psychologist warned me that I must take my time. The body has been used to receiving a chemical for the last 2 years, and it’s accustomed to whatever Fluoxetine does (it inhibits the presynaptic reuptake of the neurotransmitter serotonin…there you go). Not that I understand completely what it does, but it works by inhibiting something on the serotonin level. In normal cases, I am the one inhibiting this action, but for the last 2 years I have been helped by something external.

Hence, I need to start doing that action again by myself, serotonin and all. But I won’t rush my brain to produce serotonin, while my brain has been told to ease that action for 2 years. I am taking it off little by little.

So: how am I doing?

I am doing fine, working on my psychological well being by seeing my doctor every three weeks (or more often if I need to), and three weeks have gone by where I have done one day with 20mg, one day without. The first week I got spooked, cause about 3 nights after the new dosage, I had a crying crisis, and I felt really bad, thinking that I’ll never get out of this. Then I realised that I was close to my menstrual cycle, where I am moody and sad by default (thank you, hormones!) and got relieved. Also, I think that maybe my system started feeling the lack of the medicament, and had a first reaction, just like it happened when I first started taking Fluoxetine (I felt like shit, worse than with my own depression, for about 2 weeks, before the medicine seeped in).

Yesterday I started with phase two: Since beginning of the week I had one Fluoxetine only. I am doing 1 day on, 2 days off. I just started, so I can’t tell how I feel yet. Yesterday (two days in a row without) I felt good. Today (with Fluoxetine) I feel good.

The surroundings and the actions I take to feel good are super important. I am not waiting around monitoring my moods without Fluoxetine. I am doing an hour of sport every day (gym and swim), I am doing physio to heal my knee (ski accident, season is over), I keep working (despite frustrations at work), I keep following the flight course, I keep making one podcast interview per week, I make efforts in going out with people and feeling less lonely in the Swiss environment. All this helps, not only it helps, it makes the difference. Distributing my eggs in different baskets is key: if one basket is not going well, I have another 4 or 5 that my mind can bring its attention to.

My main focus is not to fall into the self pity trap. While there are tons of things I could be unsatisfied about, there are as many things that make me happy, little things and bigger things. I am learning to give more weight to the little achievements. I tend to disregard them as a given, while the non achievements take a much larger space than they should. Lots to work on, but this year the biggest achievement of al will be getting rid of Fluoxetine. One milligram at a time.

Time to cut off Fluoxetine

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One of the three objectives of my next two years is getting a private pilot license. The other two are: becoming a Swiss citizen and moving to the new house. But I forgot one major, major one: getting off Fluoxetine and stay away from medicaments for ever. This is a big deal, because I tried once before, and I slipped into another phase of depression. So I had to go back to my meds. It’s been over 2 years with Fluoxetine (the equivalent of Prozac) and this year, in spring, I want to do it again and this time, I want to succeed.

Last week I learnt that I need to pass a medical test to be allowed to fly for my pilot license exams. I told the doctor at the aviation club that I am taking antidepressants, and he said that this is a no-go by default. I need to be off medicaments for a number of months, and a follow up from my psychiatrist must ensue, before I can have the ok to fly. That has created a negative effect on me, as I almost found a good reason not to do the license. But then I thought that this can go to my advantage: I will eliminate Fluoxetine on 1st March and if all goes well I will be able to get the green light to fly by fall. This is my thinking.

It is easier for me to see the half glass empty, but I am working to see it half full. This is what my psychoanalyst is saying: train yourself to turn the negative thoughts to positive. Make a conscious effort, now that you are still using the medicine and feel strong, to actively turn the sad or negative into happy and positive. It’s all in the mind, and the mind can overtake decisions if we give it too much room to act. The other mind, the positive one, must take counteraction, and fight for the good of my whole being.

I would lie if I said that I am fine giving up Fluoxetine. I do know the good it did to me, and I am quite terrified to abandon this comfortable crutch. But man, it’s time to continue life, and to get back to normal; I want to rely on my own strength, my own self confidence.

What if I start feeling depressed again?

Well, what if I won’t?

Stay the course

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Resolution of the year 2022: stay the course. Even if the mind plays you tricks. Mine does.

The year 2021 has ended with uncertainty with regards to my work evolution. I spent the last months working hard, and dedicating lots of time to my job, as I was finally enjoying the aviation aspect of my sales role. But the product I am selling is not in the roadmap of our R&D department, hence it is unclear whether the company will properly invest in aviation, or not. And this will determine whether I can continue or not with my present job.

As I would normally do, my mind starts telling me “get away from this situation”, everything starts rapidly to look like a disaster, negative thoughts start overcoming the positive ones, and when I look at the big picture, I get overwhelmed, thinking I will never get there. There where? not sure, but there.

But! Two years of psychotherapy have taught me that I tend to be attracted by dissatisfaction, and especially in winter, the short days, the cold weather, the darkness, and Switzerland make me miss what I had before, my love, my life in the Caribbean; I miss other people’s lives, thinking I could be a kitesurf teacher and spend half of the year in Bresil like some people I know, or I could be a video journalist and travel the world etc etc… but this time I have munitions against my own thoughts. Even though it is still super hard to counteract my own negative thoughts, I have decided that I will stay the course.

And the course is: do the Swiss naturalisation process and complete the pilot license. Two years. I must do it, it’s about my own sanity. So, at the same time as doing naturalisation and license, I will continue my work of business development in aviation, and will continue believing in it. I will gain more know-how, instead of losing the competitive advantage I gained in the past 15 months, and I will be patient until something comes up from these actions.

Patience is not my forte. To stay the course is to be patient, and not look at or envy other lives. I had a good year 2021, for work and social life, I travelled a lot too, despite Covid and all, I want to remember this and not take it for granted. I want to put all the positive elements on the right side of the scale, to counterbalance the negative that necessarily comes to my mind.

So, resolution 2022: stay the course, don’t panic about things not being perfect. It’s ok if the big picture isn’t perfect.

The feel-good checklist to survive November and December gloom

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I managed to get by November by staying in Switzerland only 1.5 weeks in total. I went to the warm country of Oman for 12 days, and to a university friends get together in Spain for a long weekend. Not as warm as Oman, but sunny and beautiful as well. December is going by relatively quickly, with the first real snow falling, and the excitement of being able to go skiing.

November and December are the worst months for me, I don’t like autumn, I don’t like its dying colors, and I sadden as the days go darker and darker. This is what I am feeling now that I am back in Switzerland, at my place; it’s light at 8am, and it’s dark at 5pm. exactly at working hours. I feel like sleeping and staying in bed. If I hadn’t suffered from depression, I would find this amusing; feeling like a bear, understanding why certain animals hibernate in winter; but it raises alarm bells everywhere in my system. Last year, when I was depressed, staying in bed for 10 minutes was the beginning of a disguised turbine that dragged me down a spiral of wanting to do nothing; today I have the experience of two years of that feeling, and I know I want to resist the temptation of doing nothing, and lying on the couch, because this is dangerous for depression relapse. I don’t have the certainty, but even with Fluoxetin and all, I don’t trust winter and it’s tricky moods that reflect on my own self.

This morning it’s dark even though it’s 8.30am. Clouds are hovering and it has been snowing quite a bit. I woke up around 6.30am (late for my usual wakeup time of 4.30am) and started with breakfast, then I took the laundry downstairs, stored the Oman tent in the basement, and started to write this page of my depression fighter diary. Oh, I also made a list of things to do in the weekend, putting on every line that matters; this makes me feel I have accomplished things, and remind me that I am not being inactive and depressed. I am moving and make things happen.

My list of today:

  • Sell 4 items on marketplace
  • water plants
  • wash dishes
  • wash hair
  • iron the wax on the tupperware/cloth
  • take expense report to the office
  • study 45 min for swiss naturalisation
  • buy groceries
  • buy one winter plant
  • go to the gym (1h)
  • prepare ski-gear for tomorrow
  • ski in St Luc
  • glue laptop loose gum
  • search interviewees for podcast
  • store travel luggages
  • wash laundry
  • wash floor
  • podcast: study donation scheme

What I find good about this list is that there are lots of items, and I can already check a few of them, at 8.30am. Wash hair, wash laundry, which makes me feel good. I put it on an A4 paper, and every time I check one item, it’s success and I acknowledge that I have done well. No matter how little the todo thing was. I won’t throw away the list after this weekend. I will keep it for a while and add it to the upcoming weekends.

I see that I can do better yet: the very first item is in truth 4 items, cause I want to sell a small drone I don’t use anymore, a cappuccino maker a friend gave me which is too big for me, a 3D goggle, and a powerbank. That’s 4 times the effort. So I think I’ll split the first item.

And I will add one more item: write diary. check.

Step by step

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For someone who wants everything and now, thinking in steps, small drops, little daily progress is a huge endeavor. It’s almost paradoxical: for me small steps take a huge effort! And yet it’s true: I realise it now, after losing the big love, after returning to a country where it’s difficult to make friends, and with a job that gives me lots of frustration, I would rather leave, and get the immediate gratification of moving away from here, rather than working drop after drop every day, in the hope that it will bring joy in the future.

Tomorrow is March 2021: 5 years since I moved back to Switzerland. Very hard times, let me tell you, and it ain’t over yet. But: I am learning to be patience, to not drop everything at the first (or second or third) difficulty; I have been wanting to quit my job since October 2020 (and in 2019 too), and have been telling myself to resist; this time you resist, damn it! It hasn’t worked out in the past, running away I mean, so why should it now? Resist! Embrace!

My psychologist, whom I meet every 2-3 weeks, tells me that I have this pattern: when I feel blocked I want to leave. Mmmhh. yeah! I feel so constrained that it feels unbearable. Leaving is finding new horizons, changing landscape, moving household. Change is good for me, I seek movement, change, speed. But he says that this is not good for me, it’s a wish for escape, but problems will not disappear, they will tag along. He may be right; I don’t like him particularly, but I keep seeing him, for one reason: I have been wrong before, he may be right. He got this typical Swiss attitude, the rational one, you know? Rational, pragmatic, boring. Add Switzerland and Covid, and you’ll get boring all right! But then I must say that Switzerland during Covid is quite extraordinary: I am able to ski, paddle board on the lake, walk around without a mask. It’s a little paradise.

So, long story short: I have to be patient, I have to go through my obstacles and blockages, the only way around it is through it. It’s so damn hard, but it is feasible. The medicine I am taking is helping me feel ok, even good again. Starting my new hobby is helping me tremendously (podcasting), and gives me inspiration that counterbalances the frustrations at work. Through some expat whatsapp groups I am meeting new, refreshing people, and that’s good. Step by step, drop after drop, I am going through this hard, dark winter: Fluoxetin has kicked in, some problems at work are being tackled, my podcast is finally up and running, skiing with new friends on weekends is fun, and the days are getting lighter, sunnier and warmer. Spring is around the corner.

Happiness is an atttitude: I can be happy if I so choose.

Step by step.

Take action before it’s late

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Dr. G., my psychologist, said one thing that struck me, and that I will forever remember. He said it in such a natural and unassuming way that it resonated clearly in me. He said “you have a certain fascination for dissatisfaction”. And I realised, it’s true. Why? Because when I was at the beginning of the practice, I used to tell him my story, stories, thoughts, fears, anxieties, long story short, I was a mess and he was my punching ball. The thoughts I was sharing with him were initially, say, 99% negative, sad, hopeless; as the medicine was starting to have effect, I started to relax more, the problems in my mind were taking more distance from me, and I tried to see more positive; he was telling me that I had to shift the way I see my reality, and make it work for me. Not easy, as I initially interpreted this recommendation as a way to say “be contented with what you got, that’s all there is, resign yourself to the reality”. Which, in other terms, meant for me “you are a failure, pal, you have messed up, lost the love of your life, never got to finish one thing, are back in a country where you feel trapped, just accept it and find happiness in what you can get”. That’s what I was thinking, and that feeling of dissatisfaction and forced resignation fueled my depressive state. I had such a clog in my stomach every time I was thinking what I was missing in the world, while others were living the life of their dreams, why not me, and yet I am a smart person. Etcetera, etcetera.

Oh, if I recall these thoughts my mood becomes more grey. So I won’t linger too much today, and I will say why I am mentioning this now, months after it happened. First because I want to remember how bad depression felt, and remember to always compare those moments with my moments today; that sadness with today’s serenity, and I’d dare to say, even happiness. I am happy with myself right now. It has only taken me a few months to feel this way. And that’s the other reason why I am mentioning my sad memories. It took me 4 months more or less to feel good again, like I have not felt in years. This is, and I am sure of it, thanks to the medical help I received. I was too low to get back up on my own. BUT! It doesn’t have to be this way. and I am here to warn whoever is reading these notes, whether it is today, 9 May 2020, or in 5 years, or in 20 years. If I had listened to the signs sooner, I would have been able to heal on my own. There is no need for medical chemicals, and I am pretty sure of it. My mother had warned me several times prior to my deepest depression in November. She told me years before, that I should go see someone. Initially she meant a psychologist, and when things got really bad, she advised I go to a psychiatrist. She meant good for me, but I always thought that the mind is something we can control, unlike a broken arm, a heart attack or a kidney infection. We go to the doctor whenever one of our organs hurts; we visit clinics and hospitals way too much even, but whenever the head is concerned, it becomes a taboo, at least in my culture and family environment. So I always felt that going to see a “shrink” meant a defeat, cause I wasn’t able to take care of my own thoughts. Today, 5 months after my biggest (and last!) depression phase, I am glad I listened to my mother – and I know she is glad too.

Each of us goes through his or her own life the way we deem right. We all want to be happy, right? We all want to feel those great sensations that we associate to words such as satisfaction, victory, love, happiness, serenity; I don’t feel good when I hurt somebody, or am hurt, or when I see people murdered on TV, or when a client doesn’t close my deal. There’s some strong feelings in our stomach, in our guts (and I know that Agata has a brain – who the heck is Agata ?). Well, I haven’t listened enough, and am only starting now, because I am in survival mode and will do anything to beat the beast, which is my depression. But it doesn’t have to wait until this late, so if you are reading this and feel depressed, but think you can make it on your own, start taking measures. I took up meditation . It’s soooo good. Can’t believe I didn’t do it until my forties. For you it might be something else. Take action before it’s late. Trust yourself.

Speak soon.