Category: stay the course

15 feb 2022: first day off meds

diariolottatoreLeave a comment

Since last year I have been preparing for this day: getting off Fluoxetine. I spoke about it with my psychologist, and on 15 Feb with my psychiatrist, ’cause it’s her who needs to give the go ahead. And so she did. She asked me (to confirm) if I was feeling good, strong and self confident. I sort of am, I have had stronger times last year, when work was going well and I wasn’t doubting my skills. Today I feel good, not “happy” but good enough to give it a go. And I have a concrete reason to do this right now: I want to succeed at my flight school. They won’t let me fly if I am on antidepressants (makes sense). This means that I won’t be able to pass the medical test until months after I quit. The psy said that I will be able to pass the medical exam by July, by then there’s nothing more in my system and I will be stable in my moods. I will do that.

How does it work? I take one tablet every other day on week 1; then one every 3 days on week 2, and by week 3 I stop. Yesterday I didn’t take it. Today I did. Tomorrow I won’t. Spirits are quite high (despite the shitty weather). I am working it out: as soon as some negative thoughts come in (which they do constantly) I acknowledge them but let them go, just like meditation. However, I haven’t been able to sustain meditation sessions over the years, I just find it too numbing in a way, I prefer to have my eyes open and deal with my reality with all my senses. Kudos for those who can meditate, I envy them.

I am definitely scared about letting go of Fluoxetine, no doubt about that; however, I have never gained any benefit from being scared or worried, it just makes things more difficult. So, how about I put aside fear and worry, and let things evolve?

Stay the course, stay the course. Your objective is: by 2024 get Swiss nationality, live in a new home, be a pilot, stay off meds, and keep working at the same company. It’s a big objective for the next 24 months, but feasible, and it gives me reason to be here in Switzerland, and justify the hard times when I say “what the hell am I doing here”.

I am going to better weigh the significance of positive events in my life. Instead of undermining them and taking them for granted, I will pause, observe them and rejoice for every single positive drop in the ocean. It will counterbalance the negative drops that my brain so easily fuels into my body.

Also, 20mg of psychotropes a day, how much can it really be impacting on my whole body? Last night I had dinner with a friend who is taking much more than that. And after 3 years he is still stuck with them, his psychiatrist doesn’t want him to get off meds. Mine does. So that’s in itself a victory. I am ready to let go. My body is. 20mg: goodbye. I will replace it with another 20mg of self induced good mood. Like in the good old days.

Wish me luck!

Was Nelson Mandela ever depressed?

diariolottatoreLeave a comment

Staying the course is definitely difficult, whatever course you set out to follow, but it’s doable. It “just” requires assiduity, diligence, even when I don’t see the end of this course.

I have set my course in a time where depression can creep in easily: in winter time. That is my strategy: set a course, and stick to it. Not only it is winter in the Northern hemisphere, but my function in the company has a lot of question marks, and I am living in a country where the past 6 years have been a roller coaster of depression and search for stability. Mix all that, and my anti-depression efforts can easily get down the drain in one nanosecond.

My personal course is: stick to this job (=don’t leave right away, just because i am not satisfied at the moment), apply for Swiss citizenship (it will take 2 years) so I can stay in this country (that was the idea 6 years ago = seek stability), complete the private pilot license and see where it leads you, regularly work on the podcast (publish one episode per week). This is my recipe to stay the course and counteract my depression.

That’s the thing: it is soooo easy to relapse, to look behind you and see everything that doesn’t work, for me it is so easy to look at the half empty glass. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is the strongest, I feel I need 2 to bring myself down, and 8 to counteract with good and positive thoughts. That’s why I say it is hard. But doable, with effort and discipline. I am counting on the fact that, with time, the effort will become less and less difficult, and that the discipline will make my exercise for happiness not feel like an exercise anymore, but a normal way of life.

Looking back I miss the age when I was happy by default, and it required no effort. I think that the years where depression started to creep in were between end 20s and end 30s. Now I am in my 40s and I am consciously arming myself to conquer the happy place that was so natural back then. Funny to think that unconsciously I let my mind play with depressive feelings over the course of 10 or more years, and that now it will take at least as long, if not a lifetime, to chase those feelings and clean my spirit from sad thoughts.

The difficult part in this process for me, is to motivate myself to stay the course during times when I don’t see the point, or the end of the tunnel. It is hard to motivate myself when I wonder whether the effort is worth it. But then I think I am not the only one, and if others can do it, I can. Think of Nelson Mandela, who stayed in prison for almost 3 decades. He kept fighting and survived the cold winters of Robben Island year after year, not knowing whether he was ever going to be set free. But after 27 years he got out. And at the end of his life, his life started again.

That’s how I see myself. The end will be the best part of my life. Cause I will have earned it, and will be consciously happy and glad of what I have done in my life.