Category: psychologist

There’s no way I am going to fail my flight license.

diariolottatoreLeave a comment

Yesterday I was very down, I failed for the third time the theoretical exam “Flight Principles”. The morning had started badly with a nasty call at work. Bad mood set right there at 9am. My exam was at 13h15. I didn’t feel it, despite I prepared. The thing is that I prepared based on the QPPL app questions. But the Office Fédéral de l’Aviation Civile puts other questions out. For the third time I made one mistake too much. You are supposed to pass 75%, which is 9 questions out of 12. I made 4 mistakes. Till the last moment I had the fourth question right. It was the section of a body that makes the resistance in an air flow, not the surface. I had clicked on “section” and then the doubt came. I switched to “surface”. For one wrong click I have the stress of having to pass my last chance, if I fail the fourth time, I have to redo the whole theory (13 exams). No chance I’ll do that.

The negative thoughts are so good at piling up. One negative thought is enough to fuel all others. In my head right now, I have this: a pile of negative thoughts, a scenario of a black future: no more ideal job, no more flight lessons, winter coming, no more sex friend…. Pile on pile on pile.

The good thoughts are being stacked elsewhere, where it doesn’t matter. I received the Swiss citizenship, I am flying to Japan and Korean this week, I will give two speeches at a Japanese conference, I am having a good time at water-polo, I have a new co-locataire for the house who is very nice, the weather in Geneva has been spectacular, sunny and warm to this day, my parents are alive, my nephew just turned 30 and my brother 56. I started interviewing candidate therapists to coach me in winter. Life is good.

And yet it could all go wrong. Hell no. I won’t allow it, for God’s sake.

Yesterday and today, I was feeling like shit, self-commiserating, poor me I can’t get an exam right, damn me, I can’t get an exam right, and work sucks, everyone is so inefficient, people unhappy about my pushing too much, yara yara yara. What the f**k. I stop it right there. I want to take this opportunity to stop and reflect on the reaction in my guts, on the irritating and revolting feeling I feel in the stomach, and how to revert this sense of pins and needles in my head, that come from being disappointed, angry, sad, frustrated all at once.

Meditation is still not my thing, too calm for my mind. But I can listen to some ted talks and put my mind at peace for a while. I found a podcast about therapy. I hope I find a good therapist who can accompany me during winter time. Winter is coming and I feel I am not prepared this time. Red flag, red alert.

No Fluoxetine – so far so good

diariolottatoreLeave a comment

I am almost through a month with 5 consecutive days off Fluoxetine. In a month, I am only taking 5 pills of 20mg Fluoxetine. In June I will go 6 days off. And after June I will stop completely. This year I have set the time right. I started reducing in February, 2 days off and 1 day on, then 3 days off and 1 day on, and 4 days off and 1 day on; I did this over the course of 3 months. Now I am off 5 days, in 2-3 weeks 6 days, and then the level of antidepressant in my body will be so low that it will be irrelevant. 20mg in 6 days is nothing. It means that the mood I produce is all natural. And this is great. Cause mood has been quite good.

Not much has changed in my life: no new love, work is up and down as in the last couple of years, some sport, not as much as I would like, some travel, definitely not as much as I would like, and I am still living in the same place. I am studying for my pilot license, and soon are the exams. I am following the psychological therapy by seeing my psychologist every 3 weeks. What is changing is the way I look at things, the way I let myself react to outside events. I can’t say I am truly happy, but most days I am serene. Once a month I feel like I want to cry, and I can’t put a finger to what triggers it. Sometimes I think it’s due to the Fluoxetine shot I take randomly (once every xx days) which must have an impact on my moods; and sometimes I relate it to the menstrual cycle and the swingy moods attached to it.

On days like today, where I tend to look ahead in time and can’t see an improvement of my work or love situation, I must make an extra effort to reduce my long term vision, not reflect today’s state with “the rest of my life” state, cause this is a dangerous thought that can lead to insatisfaction. And that is the true enemy for me. Insatisfaction. Seeing the glass empty instead of full.

So, on days like this, I’ll take some time to do an episode of my podcast, I’ll write a page of this diary, I’ll plan some good sport session, and I’ll work as if all was going in the right direction.

Summer has arrived in the North Hemisphere, and this is a huge help. I definitely look forward to the long sunny evenings, the 25 degree air temperature, and with some luck, I will meet some new nice people, and maybe love.

15 feb 2022: first day off meds

diariolottatoreLeave a comment

Since last year I have been preparing for this day: getting off Fluoxetine. I spoke about it with my psychologist, and on 15 Feb with my psychiatrist, ’cause it’s her who needs to give the go ahead. And so she did. She asked me (to confirm) if I was feeling good, strong and self confident. I sort of am, I have had stronger times last year, when work was going well and I wasn’t doubting my skills. Today I feel good, not “happy” but good enough to give it a go. And I have a concrete reason to do this right now: I want to succeed at my flight school. They won’t let me fly if I am on antidepressants (makes sense). This means that I won’t be able to pass the medical test until months after I quit. The psy said that I will be able to pass the medical exam by July, by then there’s nothing more in my system and I will be stable in my moods. I will do that.

How does it work? I take one tablet every other day on week 1; then one every 3 days on week 2, and by week 3 I stop. Yesterday I didn’t take it. Today I did. Tomorrow I won’t. Spirits are quite high (despite the shitty weather). I am working it out: as soon as some negative thoughts come in (which they do constantly) I acknowledge them but let them go, just like meditation. However, I haven’t been able to sustain meditation sessions over the years, I just find it too numbing in a way, I prefer to have my eyes open and deal with my reality with all my senses. Kudos for those who can meditate, I envy them.

I am definitely scared about letting go of Fluoxetine, no doubt about that; however, I have never gained any benefit from being scared or worried, it just makes things more difficult. So, how about I put aside fear and worry, and let things evolve?

Stay the course, stay the course. Your objective is: by 2024 get Swiss nationality, live in a new home, be a pilot, stay off meds, and keep working at the same company. It’s a big objective for the next 24 months, but feasible, and it gives me reason to be here in Switzerland, and justify the hard times when I say “what the hell am I doing here”.

I am going to better weigh the significance of positive events in my life. Instead of undermining them and taking them for granted, I will pause, observe them and rejoice for every single positive drop in the ocean. It will counterbalance the negative drops that my brain so easily fuels into my body.

Also, 20mg of psychotropes a day, how much can it really be impacting on my whole body? Last night I had dinner with a friend who is taking much more than that. And after 3 years he is still stuck with them, his psychiatrist doesn’t want him to get off meds. Mine does. So that’s in itself a victory. I am ready to let go. My body is. 20mg: goodbye. I will replace it with another 20mg of self induced good mood. Like in the good old days.

Wish me luck!

Apero with a clinical psychologist

diariolottatoreLeave a comment

Yesterday I met with a lady who lives in the same city as me. A common friend recommended that I meet her as she can be a good guest for my podcast. So I did. She is a clinical psychologist. It was very nice to talk to her. She is very calm, very empathetic, she loves her job; we were not talking as doctor/patient, but as two friends. I really like her from a human point of view, and she likes me too. We could become good friends in the future.

Restaurant terraces just reopened in Switzerland, so we decided to meet at the bar on the city center square. It was very nice, despite the cold (14 degrees in mid May!). We had a drink and chatted about her life mostly, as I wanted to know what topics I am going to interview her about.

It was great to hear the perspective of a psychologist, to be on the other side for once. She doesn’t know that I have suffered from depression, and I was genuinely interested in knowing what she thinks about the “disease”. She pretty much confirmed what I already knew. But then she also said something I didn’t quite realise or know before: the end of one of her sentences was “people live with their depression”. I forget what came before these words, I can’t remember if she said that psychologists help people live with their depression, or that it is hard for people to live with their depression; the only thing that hit me, like a cold shower, was “living with your depression”. What? Doesn’t depression heal at one point? Well, yesterday I learnt that in some cases it doesn’t; that in some cases you live with it all your life. I also learnt that there are seasonal depressions (at the beginning of winter for example), and there are one-off depressions.

I knew that you can heal depression with psychological sessions, and it will go away, if it’s not more serious. In my case, in December 2019, I had come to a point where external help was not enough: friends, family, a behavioral therapist could not help me get out of it, so I was prescribed a medicament, Fluoxetin (Prozac for the Hollywood lovers). So I took it for 6 months, then reduced the dose by half, and after 9 months I quit; depression came back (smart me, I quit just before beginning of autumn…) and by December I had to start again, cause I was crying for no reason.

So now I wonder: will I have to take antidepressants forever? I certainly don’t want that. This is what this diary is about, to tell my story of how I defeat depression. And by defeat I mean get off drugs and be happy on my own again.

I am serene, happy, distanced from trouble right now. I feel good. I know it’s the medicine. But I am also doing lots of stuff right: a podcast, working well on my job, thinking of taking a pilot license, doing sports, meeting new friends, being social; in a nutshell, diversify my egg basket. This is a baggage of goodies that I will find at the end of my medicinal tunnel. I am building strength from inside, so that I am strong again when the serotonin and dopamine won’t be any longer injected chemically in me.

Step by step

diariolottatoreLeave a comment

For someone who wants everything and now, thinking in steps, small drops, little daily progress is a huge endeavor. It’s almost paradoxical: for me small steps take a huge effort! And yet it’s true: I realise it now, after losing the big love, after returning to a country where it’s difficult to make friends, and with a job that gives me lots of frustration, I would rather leave, and get the immediate gratification of moving away from here, rather than working drop after drop every day, in the hope that it will bring joy in the future.

Tomorrow is March 2021: 5 years since I moved back to Switzerland. Very hard times, let me tell you, and it ain’t over yet. But: I am learning to be patience, to not drop everything at the first (or second or third) difficulty; I have been wanting to quit my job since October 2020 (and in 2019 too), and have been telling myself to resist; this time you resist, damn it! It hasn’t worked out in the past, running away I mean, so why should it now? Resist! Embrace!

My psychologist, whom I meet every 2-3 weeks, tells me that I have this pattern: when I feel blocked I want to leave. Mmmhh. yeah! I feel so constrained that it feels unbearable. Leaving is finding new horizons, changing landscape, moving household. Change is good for me, I seek movement, change, speed. But he says that this is not good for me, it’s a wish for escape, but problems will not disappear, they will tag along. He may be right; I don’t like him particularly, but I keep seeing him, for one reason: I have been wrong before, he may be right. He got this typical Swiss attitude, the rational one, you know? Rational, pragmatic, boring. Add Switzerland and Covid, and you’ll get boring all right! But then I must say that Switzerland during Covid is quite extraordinary: I am able to ski, paddle board on the lake, walk around without a mask. It’s a little paradise.

So, long story short: I have to be patient, I have to go through my obstacles and blockages, the only way around it is through it. It’s so damn hard, but it is feasible. The medicine I am taking is helping me feel ok, even good again. Starting my new hobby is helping me tremendously (podcasting), and gives me inspiration that counterbalances the frustrations at work. Through some expat whatsapp groups I am meeting new, refreshing people, and that’s good. Step by step, drop after drop, I am going through this hard, dark winter: Fluoxetin has kicked in, some problems at work are being tackled, my podcast is finally up and running, skiing with new friends on weekends is fun, and the days are getting lighter, sunnier and warmer. Spring is around the corner.

Happiness is an atttitude: I can be happy if I so choose.

Step by step.

Anger

diariolottatore1 Comment

This week has been hard at work, plus it’s been two months since reducing Fluoxetin to 10mg a day, plus we had full moon on Monday and I started my period, with the mood swings that evince. Whichever element has had an impact on my mood this week, I don’t know. All I know is that this week I have been very, very angry. I am angry for the injustice that I am experiencing at work, and this anger makes me fuel more anger towards all the injustices I received during my life, big disappointments such as my sister in law. As if work and family weren’t enough, I think of other reasons why to be angry, and I am really angry. It’s as if I were searching for reasons to be angry. In my mind I go over ways to revenge each and every injustice, I make a film in my head where I have a conversation with my colleague, or with my sister in law L., and I go over and over and over through it in my head until I am satisfied of the outcome. Although the outcome is never satisfying, cause it’s just a preparation of what I want to tell these people in person. Then I could be really satisfied. Explode in front of them, tell them what I think of their miserable life, where they are so weak they have to find in someone else the reason of their deep rooted dissatisfaction. L. was left by my brother because of another woman (and many other reasons), and now she stopped talking to me and my parents, while she still speaks to her husband. Why are we to blame?

Yesterday I was so angry that I cried during the entire meditation session. I tried to stick to the breathing mantra, but yesterday my thoughts were overwhelming. This morning I didn’t even try to meditate; I woke up angry making films in my head again. Darn. What is it? Why am I so angry? Is it the effect of Fluoxetin? Is it the menstrual mood swings? Is it the real injustice I face at work, where this woman is jealous of me and my achievements? Is it what Dr. G., my psychologist says, that I have a fascination for dissatisfaction? Is it maybe also the frustration during my whole life of wanting to be good to people and doing efforts and sacrifices towards them that are misunderstood and not gratified as I deserve?

I don’t know. I just know that I want to write it down, so I can read this when I am less angry and make a “cold blood” analysis (a sangue freddo) of all of this.

I realise I care too much about what people think of me, I want everyone to love me, like I love everyone. I see life in pink, others don’t, but how can I act so that instead of them dragging me down to their dark world, I lift them up to my rose world? That again goes back to how we see the glass, it’s either half full or half empty. And why should they succeed in making me see the glass empty instead of full? How can I make them see the full side?

So my anger, I think, comes from the many years’ frustration of subsiding to others’ bad tempers and moods, just because I am able to adapt myself to others, I am flexible, understanding and ….. well THE HELL with all that! Today I am me, I regain my own dignity and right to be me, and others have to model their own behaviour to fit mine, and not the other way round, FOR ONCE. The hell with L., who has been jealous for years of my great relationship to my brother, and now that they are separated, she blames me and my family for being the source of her bad luck, well, I have a lot to say about that and about her. To hell with Trump, to hell with my colleague who feels threatened because I work well, to hell with everybody who is not strong enough to face me. I will no longer lower my intelligence for the sake of others. This has hurt me over the years, and I think more and more that this has been one major element leading to my depression.

Like Claire Underwood said at the end of season five: My turn now.

Take action before it’s late

diariolottatoreLeave a comment

Dr. G., my psychologist, said one thing that struck me, and that I will forever remember. He said it in such a natural and unassuming way that it resonated clearly in me. He said “you have a certain fascination for dissatisfaction”. And I realised, it’s true. Why? Because when I was at the beginning of the practice, I used to tell him my story, stories, thoughts, fears, anxieties, long story short, I was a mess and he was my punching ball. The thoughts I was sharing with him were initially, say, 99% negative, sad, hopeless; as the medicine was starting to have effect, I started to relax more, the problems in my mind were taking more distance from me, and I tried to see more positive; he was telling me that I had to shift the way I see my reality, and make it work for me. Not easy, as I initially interpreted this recommendation as a way to say “be contented with what you got, that’s all there is, resign yourself to the reality”. Which, in other terms, meant for me “you are a failure, pal, you have messed up, lost the love of your life, never got to finish one thing, are back in a country where you feel trapped, just accept it and find happiness in what you can get”. That’s what I was thinking, and that feeling of dissatisfaction and forced resignation fueled my depressive state. I had such a clog in my stomach every time I was thinking what I was missing in the world, while others were living the life of their dreams, why not me, and yet I am a smart person. Etcetera, etcetera.

Oh, if I recall these thoughts my mood becomes more grey. So I won’t linger too much today, and I will say why I am mentioning this now, months after it happened. First because I want to remember how bad depression felt, and remember to always compare those moments with my moments today; that sadness with today’s serenity, and I’d dare to say, even happiness. I am happy with myself right now. It has only taken me a few months to feel this way. And that’s the other reason why I am mentioning my sad memories. It took me 4 months more or less to feel good again, like I have not felt in years. This is, and I am sure of it, thanks to the medical help I received. I was too low to get back up on my own. BUT! It doesn’t have to be this way. and I am here to warn whoever is reading these notes, whether it is today, 9 May 2020, or in 5 years, or in 20 years. If I had listened to the signs sooner, I would have been able to heal on my own. There is no need for medical chemicals, and I am pretty sure of it. My mother had warned me several times prior to my deepest depression in November. She told me years before, that I should go see someone. Initially she meant a psychologist, and when things got really bad, she advised I go to a psychiatrist. She meant good for me, but I always thought that the mind is something we can control, unlike a broken arm, a heart attack or a kidney infection. We go to the doctor whenever one of our organs hurts; we visit clinics and hospitals way too much even, but whenever the head is concerned, it becomes a taboo, at least in my culture and family environment. So I always felt that going to see a “shrink” meant a defeat, cause I wasn’t able to take care of my own thoughts. Today, 5 months after my biggest (and last!) depression phase, I am glad I listened to my mother – and I know she is glad too.

Each of us goes through his or her own life the way we deem right. We all want to be happy, right? We all want to feel those great sensations that we associate to words such as satisfaction, victory, love, happiness, serenity; I don’t feel good when I hurt somebody, or am hurt, or when I see people murdered on TV, or when a client doesn’t close my deal. There’s some strong feelings in our stomach, in our guts (and I know that Agata has a brain – who the heck is Agata ?). Well, I haven’t listened enough, and am only starting now, because I am in survival mode and will do anything to beat the beast, which is my depression. But it doesn’t have to wait until this late, so if you are reading this and feel depressed, but think you can make it on your own, start taking measures. I took up meditation . It’s soooo good. Can’t believe I didn’t do it until my forties. For you it might be something else. Take action before it’s late. Trust yourself.

Speak soon.