Category: psychoanalyst

R.I.P depression (2019-2022)

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Probably this is the last post for this year. Dear diary, life has been better. I have been good. This year I have learnt to not judge me, to be gentle to myself, to give myself good rewards for to the small achievements during the day. I have stopped the psychiatric medications on 25 June 2022. It was a long process, because I did it very slowly, from February to June, taking less and less pills per week. Depression was officially diagnosed in 2019, and officially ended in 2022.

For once, the death of something is a happy moment! Happy I have been off medication since June, without any sense of depression whatsoever. So good! When I was deep in my sadness, I thought I would never see this day, I thought “how can I walk without my Fluoxetin crutches?”. And then it happens. You do it, it works, and you know it. But: it is not the end of a pain like when you take out an infectious tooth! The pain doesn’t go away from one day to another, and it does require your full effort. It’s a lifelong endeavor, and I am aware of it. If I weren’t, I would be in great danger today: danger of falling into depression again one day. No no no, I know better now, and I know me better. I know my limits, the moments where I can be weak, those moments where I need to work on my happiness.

Being depressed is like coming out of the Matrix: you realise what many people don’t know, you realise how life really is. It’s a blessing in a way, although a very painful blessing. But when you come out of depression, you don’t look at life the same way. I don’t. I don’t take the happy moments for granted anymore. Today I find myself smiling at things or events that in other years I would have dismissed as obvious, given, granted. Oh no, now everything is a great thing, and when I feel a bit blue for any reason (bad day at work, no sport in a while, no boyfriend, or no travel in sight) I shift my internal gaze to something that is working in my life at that very moment. And there are always good things in life, I just need to open my eyes.

A dead depression is not dead forever. Like a Zombie, it can come back to life. This is the tricky part that must keep us vigilant. This is why I will keep seeing a psychotherapist (maybe once every 4-5 weeks) and why I will keep writing this diary. It keeps me focused, it reminds me of how I was feeling 3 years ago, even 2 years ago, even one year ago… It’s been a long process, and I didn’t think it would take so long. I had a minor case of depression, one that required 20mg a day of antidepressant. But I have a friend (my ex boss actually) who is still on 100mg a day or more, and he can’t get over it. He is still in a bad shape, despite his intelligence, nice family and everything. So we must be careful. dead is not dead; like the herpes virus, a depression stays with us and will resurge when we are weak. It is dormant like a Volcano, we must be vigilant. I will.

I wish to all depressed people to heal very soon and to have a blessed Christmas and New Year!

More soon,

Laura

No Fluoxetine – so far so good

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I am almost through a month with 5 consecutive days off Fluoxetine. In a month, I am only taking 5 pills of 20mg Fluoxetine. In June I will go 6 days off. And after June I will stop completely. This year I have set the time right. I started reducing in February, 2 days off and 1 day on, then 3 days off and 1 day on, and 4 days off and 1 day on; I did this over the course of 3 months. Now I am off 5 days, in 2-3 weeks 6 days, and then the level of antidepressant in my body will be so low that it will be irrelevant. 20mg in 6 days is nothing. It means that the mood I produce is all natural. And this is great. Cause mood has been quite good.

Not much has changed in my life: no new love, work is up and down as in the last couple of years, some sport, not as much as I would like, some travel, definitely not as much as I would like, and I am still living in the same place. I am studying for my pilot license, and soon are the exams. I am following the psychological therapy by seeing my psychologist every 3 weeks. What is changing is the way I look at things, the way I let myself react to outside events. I can’t say I am truly happy, but most days I am serene. Once a month I feel like I want to cry, and I can’t put a finger to what triggers it. Sometimes I think it’s due to the Fluoxetine shot I take randomly (once every xx days) which must have an impact on my moods; and sometimes I relate it to the menstrual cycle and the swingy moods attached to it.

On days like today, where I tend to look ahead in time and can’t see an improvement of my work or love situation, I must make an extra effort to reduce my long term vision, not reflect today’s state with “the rest of my life” state, cause this is a dangerous thought that can lead to insatisfaction. And that is the true enemy for me. Insatisfaction. Seeing the glass empty instead of full.

So, on days like this, I’ll take some time to do an episode of my podcast, I’ll write a page of this diary, I’ll plan some good sport session, and I’ll work as if all was going in the right direction.

Summer has arrived in the North Hemisphere, and this is a huge help. I definitely look forward to the long sunny evenings, the 25 degree air temperature, and with some luck, I will meet some new nice people, and maybe love.

Between Mother Theresa and Claire Underwood

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Ego: the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.

https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&q=what+is+the+meaning+of+ego

I find fascinating this process I have put myself in: observing myself every day, for 30 minutes, through sheer breathing patterns. Myself is a broad word, and there’s more to us than just what we see, feel or perceive. It’s all of the above and more. We are probably the most fascinating species on this planet, at least to us, humans. We fascinate ourselves, that’s for sure. And we want to study each other, trying to be as objective as possible. Not easy, because we are at the same time the subject and the object of our study. Take a psychoanalyst for example, he or she must study the mind, the ego, the consciousness of somebody who looks, breathes, acts, reacts almost exactly like him or her. The mind has always fascinated me, like I am sure many of you. even more now, that I find myself having to deal with my thoughts in ways I haven’t done my whole life. And I am doing it because of a very clear goal: fight depression. I don’t like to call it a war against an evil being, because all is in me, and evil and good are both parts of our existence, but at the stage that I have come to be, only 5 months ago, I assure you it became a war, a war of survival, defeating this invisible virus (and I am not talking about COvid 19), this insidious pod that grows in you without you noticing until it’s late. But not too late.

Why the title to my today’s post? As I am learning about myself, my ego and my hard to detect feelings, as I try to listen to my guts (Agata is her name :-), thank you Casa de Papel) and observe as the thoughts come through my mind, making sure I don’t hang on to them but let go as they come, like when watching a movie, frame by frame, observing and letting go, well, when I do all of that, I focus during the day of not letting external events affect myself, including my ego. Ego is a big thing, and can make us miserable as well as invincible. In me there’s Mother Theresa, the sweet selfless person who dedicates her life to others, who tries to understand everyone and justifies everything by putting herself aside, and then there’s Claire Underwood (have you ever watched House of Cards?), the lady at the opposite end of the scale of good and evil, the one who will do anything to survive and prevail over others, whose moral values are as relevant as the brightest star at daylight. My personal pendulum leans naturally towards Mother Theresa, but let me tell you that my attempt to understand others and put myself behind others’ needs, just because I could do it, has not paid benefits over the years. And I am now trying to objectively observe and modify my own behaviour towards being more Claire than Theresa. Don’t worry, I won’t kill anyone :-), but I will make my own needs more a priority, I will not justify every time why I do this or I say that. I will think more of me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a completely selfless person, I am a human being with all the characteristics of a human, I have my temper, I have my faults, and I am wrong many times, but time has come that I give the right weight to my own traits, my thinking, my opinion, my gut feelings, my instincts. Basta with listening to others because it’s easier, because I am able to listen and to let the other vent out…what about my venting out? what about my personal well being?

About the ego: I often mention it as a negative thing, like when the ego makes us more arrogant, or vulnerable, or aggressive. I want to learn more about my ego. I think ego is a way for me to find a balance between what I tell myself and what I don’t but, yet, I do think subconsciously. I’ll explore my dreams some more.

All this post has arisen because a dear friend made me angry on Sunday (two days ago). I felt that she didn’t think of my own needs and reasons. She was angry because I decided to do sports with someone else, and didn’t invite her. What about all the other gestures I showed her on that same day, Sunday? thinking about a way to get to see her right after sport, knowing she is very busy these days and doesn’t allow time for sport? What about my own feelings being hurt, and my own ego feeling sore? I stopped talking to her. I know, I am in my forties not twenties, oh well …. This friendship is dear to me and it is the first time in 2-3 months that I have felt down, angry and upset, the blissful state I have been in, joyful, happy, serene, motivated, etc, has gone on Sunday and I felt vulnerable again. Because of her. So I decided to stand my ground, and I won’t let go until she apologises. Is it right? not sure. What does the ego say? I can’t hear it right now.

More soon.