Category: Persistence

No Fluoxetine – so far so good

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I am almost through a month with 5 consecutive days off Fluoxetine. In a month, I am only taking 5 pills of 20mg Fluoxetine. In June I will go 6 days off. And after June I will stop completely. This year I have set the time right. I started reducing in February, 2 days off and 1 day on, then 3 days off and 1 day on, and 4 days off and 1 day on; I did this over the course of 3 months. Now I am off 5 days, in 2-3 weeks 6 days, and then the level of antidepressant in my body will be so low that it will be irrelevant. 20mg in 6 days is nothing. It means that the mood I produce is all natural. And this is great. Cause mood has been quite good.

Not much has changed in my life: no new love, work is up and down as in the last couple of years, some sport, not as much as I would like, some travel, definitely not as much as I would like, and I am still living in the same place. I am studying for my pilot license, and soon are the exams. I am following the psychological therapy by seeing my psychologist every 3 weeks. What is changing is the way I look at things, the way I let myself react to outside events. I can’t say I am truly happy, but most days I am serene. Once a month I feel like I want to cry, and I can’t put a finger to what triggers it. Sometimes I think it’s due to the Fluoxetine shot I take randomly (once every xx days) which must have an impact on my moods; and sometimes I relate it to the menstrual cycle and the swingy moods attached to it.

On days like today, where I tend to look ahead in time and can’t see an improvement of my work or love situation, I must make an extra effort to reduce my long term vision, not reflect today’s state with “the rest of my life” state, cause this is a dangerous thought that can lead to insatisfaction. And that is the true enemy for me. Insatisfaction. Seeing the glass empty instead of full.

So, on days like this, I’ll take some time to do an episode of my podcast, I’ll write a page of this diary, I’ll plan some good sport session, and I’ll work as if all was going in the right direction.

Summer has arrived in the North Hemisphere, and this is a huge help. I definitely look forward to the long sunny evenings, the 25 degree air temperature, and with some luck, I will meet some new nice people, and maybe love.

Very hard to stay the course

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Day Two of my resolution, and it’s already a challenge. Damn…

I have the will power of an ant… or maybe ants have a ridiculously big will power despite their size…. insomma, I am having trouble staying the course. As always I look at the big picture, and I see there is road work everywhere: my job, my pilot training, my podcast, my swiss naturalisation, my physical well being. Oh yes, cause when it rains it pours, I bring in all of my weapons to feel worse than I am. Piling up elements that give me a good reason to be self pitying. Great!

No, I won’t give in. Now I am going to concentrate on the good things that happened. Since yesterday, what did I do? I worked, albeit very slowly, but I made an effort to advance with emails and leads. Then I took a break to go to the swimming pool with the intention of swimming 2km; they didn’t let me in because I didn’t have the third vaccine shot; but the good thing is that, instead of feeling defeated, I went back home, changed wardrobe and went straight to the gym for an hour. I’ll do the same today. Friday is my third shot, so the pool isn’t a long wait.

What else did I do to be proud of? Oh yes, I logged in to my bank account to order a credit card; this may sound like a no brainer, but I have been procrastinating this for some time. First I checked Paypal as a method of payment (for my podcast) and when it didn’t work I blocked the process for a couple of weeks. This adds to the other things that don’t work right now. See how easy it is to get demotivated? Man… But I know the trick of my mind, and by writing this here, I am committing to take steps, from the credit card to the vacuum cleaner (my apartment looks like my soul) and the naturalisation quiz… I need to calibrate my mind to take one step at a time, to be ok with seeing imperfection in the big picture, I need to figure out a way to give value to every little move I make towards perfectioning the big picture.

Ok, so today I didn’t order a credit card, but I logged in and realised that logging in won’t help, I have to make a call to the bank. The ideal big picture is a picture with a nice credit card ready for my podcast, but to get there I need to make all the steps that are required to obtain the card. Today I took the step of logging in. It doesn’t show in the big picture, but once I get my credit card, the big picture will be more complete.

What else is missing in the big picture? Motivation at work. I will send more emails and will advance every day, even if I am moving at very slow pace right now. I want to use this slow time to advance with the other things are are part of the big picture. Like the swiss naturalisation test. So after this diary I will read some more swiss history, and get closer to my 19 jan goal (the written test). If they ask me about William Tell I know the answer :-).

What else is in the big picture? the pilot license, called PPL (private pilot license), which worries me because there is a lot to learn and I feel my head will explode. However, I am a smart person, and should be able to make it. Plus I love flying, being in the air, and skydiving. So piloting should come easy…. ok, since the naturalisation test is on 19 jan and the pilot classes start on 31 jan, I will not worry about the latter yet.

I feel a bit better than before. Jotting it all down helps.

When the damn winter ends, this will be good too.