Category: perfectionism

The North Wind

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A month and a half ago I halved the intake of Fluoxetin, otherwise known as Prozac. From 20mg to 10mg every morning. So far so good. A couple of changes occurred, but I cannot tell if its psychological suggestion or chemical adjustment in my body. I want to understand this better, and discern between self induced effects, placebo effects and real medical effects. No matter what happens in my body, I am still happy and satisfied about what I am doing. Work is going well, very well indeed, I have closed a major deal for the company, and in a new field, aviation, which I like much more than automotive. I am very proud of how I handled this deal and the negotiations since January. It all went pretty smoothly and quickly. 6 months of talks for a very good outcome. I gave myself a good pack on my back. And so did my CEO and the whole company. We popped two bottles of good champagne at work, and F. made a speech announcing I had made the biggest deal in the company’s history. What a good satisfaction. And if I think that only 7 months ago I wanted to quit.

One thing I am learning about this anti-depression process: to cultivate patience, and to fight my perfectionism. More things I am learning, which I will write as I go.

Patience is a big deal for me. And acceptance of a certain routine. I realised that over the last 14 of my relationship with W., and even before, basically since I left Italy to go and live in Germany in 1998, I have not been in one place or one job for more than 2-3 years. Events in life, jobs made redundant, W. entering my life (he is still the love of my life, although we are no longer together), new passions being born, the quest for film making, the eagerness of seeing the world, the choice we had to change our lives when we saw fit and how we pleased, made me wonder around the globe, traveling across oceans to beautiful places, living in the turquoise beaches of the Caribbean, moving to South Africa to pursue a film career, going to Canada to work at the Olympics, going back to Italy for a short while (3 years) setting up a company I didnt want to create, getting angry at life in Rome, leaving again, etc etc. I realised I have not been in one place for more than 2-3 years in the last 20 years. Whereas my childhood and my youth have been very regular, filled with routine. And my youth was very happy. I realise now that Alain de Botton is right when he says that in love we seek to reproduce the familiarity of what we are used to in our childhood. I recommend one of his speeches at Zeitgeist. Where I am getting at is that, also in life, not only in love, we seek balance based on what is familiar to us since the beginning. Now, I still need to understand why I was so attracted to a life without rules, and I still am, but why this has over 20 years damaged my self esteem, my happiness, and my relationship to the greatest man for me. Everytime I didn’t like what I was doing, I (I should say, we) would pack up and leave. I am like Juliette Binoche in Chocolat: I leave from village to village at the blow of the north wind.

Once I returned to Switzerland, helas without W., it was 20 years after I left my home in Rome, the home of routine, familiar habits, and the love of my family. I wondered in this world for 20 years, 14 of which with the love of my life, and now that I am back in CH, my life has been shaken from the core. I had to stop, in a very harsh and hard way, and depression has been the climax of this journey. There’s more to say, but I need to get up and go to my next meeting. Life is full of surprises, definitely worth living every bit of it, even the suffering parts. I am growing through this process. I am learning to be patient. I will find my answer, but not yet today.

Perfectionism: how to’s

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In another post I was talking about one of the reasons I have slowly and constantly come to depression. It’s my sense of perfectionism. There are a lot of words ending in “ism”: we borrowed this suffix from the Greeks and the Latins. If I search for its meaning, I stumble upon the Dictionary, which defines it a suffix used in “the formation of nouns denoting action or practice, state or condition, principles, doctrines, a usage or characteristic, devotion or adherence, etc.“. There’s criticism, egoism, intellectualism, humanitarianism, instrumentalism, photojournalism, fraternalism, etc. In medical terms, it denotes “a medical condition or a disease resulting from or involving some specified thing” (from the medical dictionary). Wow, a disease, even…

Just when I thought that perfectionism was a strength in somebody’s character, I realised it can be either way, and for me it was (it IS) more of a “condition”. I won’t call it weakness, as opposed to strength, because I can see how perfectionism can serve us well in many situations. In my case, over time perfectionism has become a hindrance. Why? Because, unless something was perfectly executed, it wasn’t worth spending time on it. I am talking about everyday habits as well as work practices or sport. I won’t put makeup on unless I have a nice dress, matching shoes, and a good hairdo. I won’t clean the kitchen after cooking unless I clean it to the very last corner; once I start cleaning there’s no stopping me. But because it’s such an endeavor in my mind, it is rare I do cleaning every day after cooking. another example: I will procrastinate writing a report for work, because I can already envision the whole picture as being complex and a lot of work to execute perfectly. So I leave it to another moment. And I postpone by telling myself there are other easier tasks I can do before I get into that bigger task. So I start making calls, updating my calendar, add customers to my CRM, etc…

Oh, yes. Procrastination. It goes hand in hand with perfectionism. A podcaster’s account on her perfectionism felt so familiar when I listened to her 7-minute story. Listen to her: it’s really good. Elly Varrenti. So, immediate gratification is partly the reason of our constant dissatisfaction. If we don’t get it now, we don’t want to do the effort. And, even if you do succeed, you won’t be happy anyway. Failure is considered by me failure, in a negative way; but what if I start looking at my results, albeit not perfect, as positive? Elly says: “There’s good failure and bad failure […] as there’s a difference between passion and ambition, winning and accomplishment. […] The secret to happiness is rising from the ashes of disappointment, humiliation, aching inadequacy, and just getting on with it“. Like Winston Churchill said: “If you are going through hell, keep going“. Thank you Elly for quoting Churchill. He must have been a very interesting and wise man. He is also the author of the line “Never, never, never give up“. And I shan’t!

A bit of diversion that took me to Churchill and to the Australian correspondent to ABC, to remind myself that now I now know one strategically important thing: I am a perfectionist and I can recover from it. I am already working on this, and believe me: it is a super difficult task.

Oh, and we haven’t spoken about OCDs…. oh well, let’s tackle it in another post.

Perfection and Depression

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While meditating yesterday morning, the strive for perfection came to mind. In November 2019, at the peak of my existential crisis, I went to see a behavioural psychologist, recommended by a friend who had seen a friend being consulted successfully by this woman. And during one of the 4 sessions I did, she told me about perfectionism. I had never thought of it as of a “condition”. I just googled it and the first site that comes up is Good Therapy (never heard of that before), where perfectionism is considered a positive trait in one’s personality, but it can cause destructiveness because we never think we are doing well enough. Wikipedia writes: “Perfectionism, in psychology, is a personality trait characterized by a person’s striving for flawlessness and setting high performance standards, accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations. […] In its maladaptive form, perfectionism drives people to attempt to achieve unattainable ideals or unrealistic goals, often leading to depression and low self-esteem.” Then the Google search was suggesting searching for the word “procrastination”, that other people have also searched when looking up “perfectionism”.

Wow, I never thought of looking online for a definition of perfectionism. All of the above is spot on me. And so I was thinking, while meditating, that striving for perfection has been a constant motive for my growing depression over the years. Too bad I didn’t consult a specialist back 10 years ago, or 15. I could have maybe spared myself lots of grieving in the past 4 years. Or was the grieving a necessary step? This I will never know. It all happened and I am dealing with it now. No chance to go back in the past, that is for sure, it’s the only certainty we have, beside for the certainty that one day we will die. So between the day we are born and the day we die, a lot of things happen, and we deal with them, one way or another. Life is beautiful, exciting, dramatic, sentimental, rational, evil, compassionate, selfish and selfless. All is in me, and I feel it now, as I am trying hard to not put labels of morality judgment to what I have experienced.

Back to perfectionism, it is one of the elements of my life that I am now observing from distance, using exactly the same method I use while meditating: breathe in, breathe out, observe the thought coming through, don’t clench to it, let it go again, and keep breathing. It is such a rejuvenating experience, this meditation. Had you asked me to meditate in November (which I tried by the way), I would have said ” no chance”. I was simply too distressed, too anxious, too sad, too depressed and desperate to even remotely accept to sit for 30 minutes, or even 5 minutes, doing nothing else but breathe. When I tried in November and December several times, my thoughts were so pèowerful over me that I was overwhelmed by them and the only way to not feel worse than I already felt, was to stop meditating. Meditating meant being too much with myself, and I hated to be with myself.

M., the behavioural psychologist, noticed that I was too deep down in my chasm to help me get up by working purely on a shift in my behaviour. I was simply not ready. She recommended I go to a Psychiatrist and get medical help. My mother is the one who insisted, when she came to visit me in November. I was crying every day, despite her company and love, nothing was useful to make me feel better. I was so miserable, so miserable I can’t even think about it without feeling sad again. So, please forgive me if I won’t recollect those thoughts yet. I feel much better now, really good actually, and want to enjoy this process. I will gather my courage and when I am ready to speak about the darkest moments of my life, you will be the first to know.

Stay safe, take care.

Note to self: I need to speak about Procrastination.