Category: patience

Stay the course

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Resolution of the year 2022: stay the course. Even if the mind plays you tricks. Mine does.

The year 2021 has ended with uncertainty with regards to my work evolution. I spent the last months working hard, and dedicating lots of time to my job, as I was finally enjoying the aviation aspect of my sales role. But the product I am selling is not in the roadmap of our R&D department, hence it is unclear whether the company will properly invest in aviation, or not. And this will determine whether I can continue or not with my present job.

As I would normally do, my mind starts telling me “get away from this situation”, everything starts rapidly to look like a disaster, negative thoughts start overcoming the positive ones, and when I look at the big picture, I get overwhelmed, thinking I will never get there. There where? not sure, but there.

But! Two years of psychotherapy have taught me that I tend to be attracted by dissatisfaction, and especially in winter, the short days, the cold weather, the darkness, and Switzerland make me miss what I had before, my love, my life in the Caribbean; I miss other people’s lives, thinking I could be a kitesurf teacher and spend half of the year in Bresil like some people I know, or I could be a video journalist and travel the world etc etc… but this time I have munitions against my own thoughts. Even though it is still super hard to counteract my own negative thoughts, I have decided that I will stay the course.

And the course is: do the Swiss naturalisation process and complete the pilot license. Two years. I must do it, it’s about my own sanity. So, at the same time as doing naturalisation and license, I will continue my work of business development in aviation, and will continue believing in it. I will gain more know-how, instead of losing the competitive advantage I gained in the past 15 months, and I will be patient until something comes up from these actions.

Patience is not my forte. To stay the course is to be patient, and not look at or envy other lives. I had a good year 2021, for work and social life, I travelled a lot too, despite Covid and all, I want to remember this and not take it for granted. I want to put all the positive elements on the right side of the scale, to counterbalance the negative that necessarily comes to my mind.

So, resolution 2022: stay the course, don’t panic about things not being perfect. It’s ok if the big picture isn’t perfect.

Back to drugs

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Third day of Fluoxetin, 10mg. Dr N. said ok. I am surprised he gave me the answer via phone, through his assistant. Usually he requests an appointment (300 chf please).

I decided not to be stubborn this time, and to take the medicine immediately, as I am starting feeling that depressive emotion again. I am familiar with the symptoms: when I start thinking of going away from Switzerland, when I want to go to Canada and find W. and when I want to change job, that’s the alarm bell for me. Last year this time I was in a terrible mood, this winter I want to be better, be good, be great. Despite the fall, despite the challenges at work, despite not having W. in my life.

I feel disappointed that I am back to square one, but I have decided not to feel sorry or ashamed for taking Fluoxetin again. Like my friend says: “be happy that you have found something that works for you”; she is right; this medicament is helping me, and I will take it. Possibly for a short while, during winter maybe, until the sun shines again and Corona ends.

After 4.5 years I am still thinking about W.. Will it ever end? I tell myself that I will forget him when I find a new love. Good luck here in Switzerland, where it’s so hard to make friends, let alone find love. I don’t go out enough (and now with covid even less), I should get into more social circles. I need to find a way to meet people from the IMD, or similar international schools; people who come here to do masters degrees, people my age, that come from all over the world, one I can fall in love with.

But W. is my special love, the one with the big L, the one I would like to grow old with… well if he ever decides to speak to me again. For now I have no chance. I emailed him.. nothing; I sent him a message on FB, he blocked me; I reached out on LinkedIn, he makes himself invisible to me; I even delivered a letter to him via an acquaintance of mine who so kindly went to Banff to give it to him in person, and he received it, saying he was going to read it. But I never heard from him. This was last year. Now what should I do? I tried forgetting him and get over him. it’s been almost 5 years. No chance. He was my steady star, we completed each other, now I feel empty.

But: when I was with him I had already signs of depressions. I was crying a lot, I was dissatisfied about my own professional battles, things were hard also when he was around, loving me and caring about me. So I wonder: even if I saw him tomorrow, would his love make me happy? Would I make him happy? Or do I still need to search inside me a while longer to find happiness? That’s what I am thinking right now. I need to get back to my feet for good, before I can find someone (or him) again. I can’t rely on someone else to be happy.

If I were with someone, I would feel less lonely.

The North Wind

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A month and a half ago I halved the intake of Fluoxetin, otherwise known as Prozac. From 20mg to 10mg every morning. So far so good. A couple of changes occurred, but I cannot tell if its psychological suggestion or chemical adjustment in my body. I want to understand this better, and discern between self induced effects, placebo effects and real medical effects. No matter what happens in my body, I am still happy and satisfied about what I am doing. Work is going well, very well indeed, I have closed a major deal for the company, and in a new field, aviation, which I like much more than automotive. I am very proud of how I handled this deal and the negotiations since January. It all went pretty smoothly and quickly. 6 months of talks for a very good outcome. I gave myself a good pack on my back. And so did my CEO and the whole company. We popped two bottles of good champagne at work, and F. made a speech announcing I had made the biggest deal in the company’s history. What a good satisfaction. And if I think that only 7 months ago I wanted to quit.

One thing I am learning about this anti-depression process: to cultivate patience, and to fight my perfectionism. More things I am learning, which I will write as I go.

Patience is a big deal for me. And acceptance of a certain routine. I realised that over the last 14 of my relationship with W., and even before, basically since I left Italy to go and live in Germany in 1998, I have not been in one place or one job for more than 2-3 years. Events in life, jobs made redundant, W. entering my life (he is still the love of my life, although we are no longer together), new passions being born, the quest for film making, the eagerness of seeing the world, the choice we had to change our lives when we saw fit and how we pleased, made me wonder around the globe, traveling across oceans to beautiful places, living in the turquoise beaches of the Caribbean, moving to South Africa to pursue a film career, going to Canada to work at the Olympics, going back to Italy for a short while (3 years) setting up a company I didnt want to create, getting angry at life in Rome, leaving again, etc etc. I realised I have not been in one place for more than 2-3 years in the last 20 years. Whereas my childhood and my youth have been very regular, filled with routine. And my youth was very happy. I realise now that Alain de Botton is right when he says that in love we seek to reproduce the familiarity of what we are used to in our childhood. I recommend one of his speeches at Zeitgeist. Where I am getting at is that, also in life, not only in love, we seek balance based on what is familiar to us since the beginning. Now, I still need to understand why I was so attracted to a life without rules, and I still am, but why this has over 20 years damaged my self esteem, my happiness, and my relationship to the greatest man for me. Everytime I didn’t like what I was doing, I (I should say, we) would pack up and leave. I am like Juliette Binoche in Chocolat: I leave from village to village at the blow of the north wind.

Once I returned to Switzerland, helas without W., it was 20 years after I left my home in Rome, the home of routine, familiar habits, and the love of my family. I wondered in this world for 20 years, 14 of which with the love of my life, and now that I am back in CH, my life has been shaken from the core. I had to stop, in a very harsh and hard way, and depression has been the climax of this journey. There’s more to say, but I need to get up and go to my next meeting. Life is full of surprises, definitely worth living every bit of it, even the suffering parts. I am growing through this process. I am learning to be patient. I will find my answer, but not yet today.