I went to Egypt in November 2020, and I started writing my next page of this diary, and I never published it. I was really not in good spirits. Tonight, after work, sitting at my kitchen table in Lausanne, after washing the dishes and feeling ok to write again, here I am, copying and pasting what I had scribbled in a Word Document at the Istanbul airport.

I am in istanbul, waiting for my connection flight to Hurghada. It’s full-on Covid restrictions, but Egypt is one of the few places where I can go and do the test at arrival. I had taken a week off, and didn’t want to renounce it, although I could have postponed it to a better time, like early december, when there’s more snow in Switzerland, or Christmas, to do something with my parents. But I needed to get out of the routine that is killing me, in a city I am not enjoying and in a job that is presently giving me zero joy, only frustrations.

I wonder how long this phase will last. Last November I remember being very sad and depressed, I felt life had no meaning, I hated my job (the same) hated the mistake of quitting W. 4 years ago, and was working like an automa.

So now I am one year later, work had started to feel good, the antidepressant was working well (20 mg), and life had started having a meaning again.

What has happened since then? Ok, besides Covid, that makes everyone’s life more challenging. But what can I do to surpass this feeling that everything I do has no meaning, that other people’s lives are better, that I have no joy in my life? What can I do to motivate myself to get out of bed?

You won’t believe, but I was such a jolly happy person when I was younger. What happened to that person?

It took me a few hours this morning to take a decision about this week’s holiday. No way I would stay in Switzerland on my own, with nothing new happening around me, November gloomy cold weather but not snowy enough to ski. And even skiing is an issue. I have to do everything by myself, no one else I can count on. I miss living in a relationship, where you can lean against your loved one when you feel down.

So, I was in bed, turning over once, twice, three times, the typical sensation of not wanting to move from bed, the sleepy feeling that feels good when you are depressed; when you are still tired from the night, but almost awake that you know you must get going. Although I am on holiday, I started having thoughts of what I was going to do with my week. Crazy that a holiday has become an issue for me. Where to go and with whom? Anyway, I told myself that if the feeling of booking a flight to Hurghada was going to stay strong after I got up, I would buy it and go. And that’s what I did.

I felt some excitement because it’s something new, a bit prohibited (everyone recommends to stay put, and it’s right), it’s a novelty (never been to Hurghada).

The excitement is very minimal though. I don’t know what I need to do to feel alive again. It was going so well, up until this summer. Ok, covid is tough, November is the worst month of the year for me, I have no boyfriend, but come on, I am privileged, I have a well paid job, I have a lovely apartment, I am healthy, so now what? Come on L., bring your shit together.