Category: Give up psychotropes

25 June 2022: Last Fluoxetine

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End of a chapter. A long one. After 3 long years. I took my last fluoxetine on 25 June 2022. So happy!

Ok! I know it is not over, I need to monitor my mood, my thoughts, my attitude towards life. Cause the psychologist told me clearly: you will get rid of depression, but your tendency of seeing the glass half empty will still be there, unless you constantly train to change it. He is right. Some days I feel happy because of things going well, and some other days I feel frustrated of what I don’t have, what I am not achieving, or anything else that occurs to my mind that is not positive.

The finishing process started in February. I started taking 1 Fluoxetine every other day, after a month I took it every 3 days, the month after I took 1 Fluoxetine every 4 days, and so on, until last month (June) I took one every 6 or 7 days. I basically took 4 in a month. 20mg, it’s basically zero effect.

At the beginning of this diary I said I was going to fight this monster, and I am fighting it. I am happy about it, and it is the one single most important thing for me to conquer. Without a happy self, I cannot find my balance at work, in love and in society. I am well aware that I am walking on a thin line, like a funambule: everything could change for the worse in no time. I still have a strong attraction for a drastic change of life, I want to escape, leave Switzerland, start traveling, find love, give up my job, be free, disappear. This usually happens when my mind is dissatisfied about something. But then I’d give up all I have worked for in the last 6 years, all for a deep sense of dissatisfaction? Hold on a minute, I must wait; dissatisfaction, you still exist, but it’s how I perceive you that I must chance, I must thame you, every day of my life. Only then I can leave CH.

6 years ago I lost the love of my life; I let him go, I chased him away; I did a terrible thing to our relationship, to his life and to my own life; it is taking me so long to let go of Will, too long; sense of guilt, sense of losing the one true love of my life; alone in this country that is not popular for its social gatherings, a country where I have felt most lonely, so lonely it was unbearable. Sometimes it still feels super lonely, unbearable, and I would like to leave. Maybe I will, but first I have set goals, and I must comply with my goals: end depression, get the Swiss nationality, become a private pilot, move into a new home with my friends. Only then I can think of leaving.

I have met someone through my podcast. We spent some special, short moments together. Unfortunately he is taken, married, with kids, so it’s a no go for me. But it showed me that a new love is possible, and I am grateful for those moments spent with him. I am ready to find a new love, and put the big old love behind me. Step by step.

1 day on, 2 days off Fluoxetine – first week

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I did about one week of major reduction of Fluoxetine intake: 1 day on, 2 days off. Today I felt a bit down. I don’t want to be paranoiac, but it’s a fact: every time I feel down now I relate it to the fluoxetine, or lack thereof.

Like my best friend rightfully reminded me the other day, I need to remember that everyone gets moments up and down. I can feel less motivated because of the circumstances.

Good news: my mood hasn’t worsened during the day. I feel ok tonight. I did the evening flight course, went to the gym after work, kept myself busy. The lesson was interesting. Tonight I sense that I could go another full day without fluoxetine… but I will stick to the rule. For now it is 1 day on and 2 days off. once I feel stable and confident, I will start 1 day on and 3 days off. Right now I am happy if my moods stay stable after 2 days without medicine. It’s a real success. I don’t underestimate it. The body is getting used to receiving less chemicals. It will take the time that it will take. I don’t want to rush this mega step.

Step by step.

Three weeks with half dose of Fluoxetine

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It’s March 2022. I have timed it right: start reducing Fluoxetine in spring, and give it up completely by summer. It is a process that takes as long as it takes, I think it’s quite personal. I started taking one 20mg pill every other day, and see how it feels. Once I feel I am in charge, I reduce to 1 pill every three days.

While my psychiatrist told me I could do this whole process in 3 weeks, my psychologist warned me that I must take my time. The body has been used to receiving a chemical for the last 2 years, and it’s accustomed to whatever Fluoxetine does (it inhibits the presynaptic reuptake of the neurotransmitter serotonin…there you go). Not that I understand completely what it does, but it works by inhibiting something on the serotonin level. In normal cases, I am the one inhibiting this action, but for the last 2 years I have been helped by something external.

Hence, I need to start doing that action again by myself, serotonin and all. But I won’t rush my brain to produce serotonin, while my brain has been told to ease that action for 2 years. I am taking it off little by little.

So: how am I doing?

I am doing fine, working on my psychological well being by seeing my doctor every three weeks (or more often if I need to), and three weeks have gone by where I have done one day with 20mg, one day without. The first week I got spooked, cause about 3 nights after the new dosage, I had a crying crisis, and I felt really bad, thinking that I’ll never get out of this. Then I realised that I was close to my menstrual cycle, where I am moody and sad by default (thank you, hormones!) and got relieved. Also, I think that maybe my system started feeling the lack of the medicament, and had a first reaction, just like it happened when I first started taking Fluoxetine (I felt like shit, worse than with my own depression, for about 2 weeks, before the medicine seeped in).

Yesterday I started with phase two: Since beginning of the week I had one Fluoxetine only. I am doing 1 day on, 2 days off. I just started, so I can’t tell how I feel yet. Yesterday (two days in a row without) I felt good. Today (with Fluoxetine) I feel good.

The surroundings and the actions I take to feel good are super important. I am not waiting around monitoring my moods without Fluoxetine. I am doing an hour of sport every day (gym and swim), I am doing physio to heal my knee (ski accident, season is over), I keep working (despite frustrations at work), I keep following the flight course, I keep making one podcast interview per week, I make efforts in going out with people and feeling less lonely in the Swiss environment. All this helps, not only it helps, it makes the difference. Distributing my eggs in different baskets is key: if one basket is not going well, I have another 4 or 5 that my mind can bring its attention to.

My main focus is not to fall into the self pity trap. While there are tons of things I could be unsatisfied about, there are as many things that make me happy, little things and bigger things. I am learning to give more weight to the little achievements. I tend to disregard them as a given, while the non achievements take a much larger space than they should. Lots to work on, but this year the biggest achievement of al will be getting rid of Fluoxetine. One milligram at a time.

15 feb 2022: first day off meds

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Since last year I have been preparing for this day: getting off Fluoxetine. I spoke about it with my psychologist, and on 15 Feb with my psychiatrist, ’cause it’s her who needs to give the go ahead. And so she did. She asked me (to confirm) if I was feeling good, strong and self confident. I sort of am, I have had stronger times last year, when work was going well and I wasn’t doubting my skills. Today I feel good, not “happy” but good enough to give it a go. And I have a concrete reason to do this right now: I want to succeed at my flight school. They won’t let me fly if I am on antidepressants (makes sense). This means that I won’t be able to pass the medical test until months after I quit. The psy said that I will be able to pass the medical exam by July, by then there’s nothing more in my system and I will be stable in my moods. I will do that.

How does it work? I take one tablet every other day on week 1; then one every 3 days on week 2, and by week 3 I stop. Yesterday I didn’t take it. Today I did. Tomorrow I won’t. Spirits are quite high (despite the shitty weather). I am working it out: as soon as some negative thoughts come in (which they do constantly) I acknowledge them but let them go, just like meditation. However, I haven’t been able to sustain meditation sessions over the years, I just find it too numbing in a way, I prefer to have my eyes open and deal with my reality with all my senses. Kudos for those who can meditate, I envy them.

I am definitely scared about letting go of Fluoxetine, no doubt about that; however, I have never gained any benefit from being scared or worried, it just makes things more difficult. So, how about I put aside fear and worry, and let things evolve?

Stay the course, stay the course. Your objective is: by 2024 get Swiss nationality, live in a new home, be a pilot, stay off meds, and keep working at the same company. It’s a big objective for the next 24 months, but feasible, and it gives me reason to be here in Switzerland, and justify the hard times when I say “what the hell am I doing here”.

I am going to better weigh the significance of positive events in my life. Instead of undermining them and taking them for granted, I will pause, observe them and rejoice for every single positive drop in the ocean. It will counterbalance the negative drops that my brain so easily fuels into my body.

Also, 20mg of psychotropes a day, how much can it really be impacting on my whole body? Last night I had dinner with a friend who is taking much more than that. And after 3 years he is still stuck with them, his psychiatrist doesn’t want him to get off meds. Mine does. So that’s in itself a victory. I am ready to let go. My body is. 20mg: goodbye. I will replace it with another 20mg of self induced good mood. Like in the good old days.

Wish me luck!