Category: end of depression

Lack of direction

diariolottatore2 Comments

My good friend Ardeshir told me he wants to make a move in his life, he is tired of wasting his talent and time. He wants to find a job, find meaning in life. I have a job and have made quite important steps in life since my depression phase. I am probably where he would like himself to be right now. And yet I do feel an emptiness, a lack of direction, which is fueling negative thoughts. I don’t feel confidence in my job at the moment, I have no product to sell, and no clear direction from the leadership. I could do so much, but the company is so undecided on what to do, and so big, that I feel overwhelmed.

Flying is another element of my life which is giving me stress. And yet, I have just re-read my last posts, where I was worried about not passing the theoretical exams, and here I am, I have passed the exams, all of them in fact (including air law!) and now I am worrying about something else. The practice. And I worry about work, and I feel lack of purpose. I have a sex friend with whom I have great sex, and yet I worry about being with him too often, because I am not in love and he is not the one. I might be wasting my time and giving him false hopes. And when will I meet the right person? Will my life be exciting again? Will there be a magic happening in my life, where I will feel excitement? etc etc etc. Just listing my thoughts, I am pissing myself off! So boring. Stop that already.

I have found a psychologist, did 4-5 sessions with him, but ended last week, because I don’t like his technique. He was listening without giving me advice, he was kind of making assumptions of how I feel, without making me feel better. For example, he would say “it is as if nothing makes you happy at this moment, not your job, not your sport activities, not your flying lessons”. Indeed, that’s it. So what now? How do I change this state?

Damn it, I don’t ever want to plunge into the dark place, ever again. Depression was sooooo bad, that I’d rather keep my job, and see how I can make it work. I’d rather go through the uncomfortable feeling that flying brings me right now, than be depressed one more day in my life. I cannot explain it, but the pain you feel when you are depressed is much grander than physical pain. But why am I feeling down again? Why is it hard to clean my room, to organise my next trip, to organise a mega party for my 50th, to simulate a flight around my sofa in the living room, to look for a different job, to make the dishes, when I don’t see the point of all that? How can I see the point and meaning of all this again?

I know I am not well when I start thinking about other people’s lives being better than mine, when I start thinking of leaving everything behind and start traveling, specifically travel on a sail boat. Then I try to picture my long term travel, and I see no happiness because I am jobless, moneyless, and I have no life partner. So I exclude this escape idea from my list, because it wouldn’t bring any long term satisfaction.

If I had 5 millions in my bank account, would I be happy? This is a 5-million-dollar question. Someone please make a wire transfer into my bank account and I’ll tell you.

Not easy, this life. Not easy when you have options. Not easy when you have had a comfortable life in the past. Not easy when you have lost the love of your life out of your own doing. But like the lady said in the Instagram article, the world is neutral, it is me who is giving it a specific color, a good or bad taste, a meaning. At the end of the month I will turn 50, and I should know better.

2023 Anti-Depression Resolutions

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Welcome 2023! In italy 23 is a great number, all Italians know it when they play Tombola (Bingo). 23 is the lucky number. So let’s make 2023 our lucky number.

And yet luck doesn’t have much to do with happiness. Yes, it can help big time, but I say I want to make my own happiness, by keeping in track with all the work I have done in the past 3 years. Work that goes towards one goal: ending depression.

I have written down my projects for 2023. They are short to long term projects, I keep the page open on my desk, and remind myself of doing something every day towards those goals. There are 13 lines in the list at the moment. Projects range from keeping good fitness level to finishing my pilot licence, renting out my car, find public funding for my podcast, move to my new home, get the Swiss citizenship, find a kitehouse. Some projects are big and will require more than a year, some are easy, some are imminent.

People around me ask me how I can do so many things… first I don’t have kids, second I am not depressed anymore, and that’s awesome! Spirit is high, I have plenty of energy, I am being careful of what I eat, I weigh my mental efforts, and when I feel I get too overwhelmed, I stop doing what is negatively taking energy from me, and I do something I like, such as sport, walk, watch a video. I reward myself instead of penalising myself with some stupid thought (“you can’t do this assignment, you idiot”).

Being back in Switzerland after the Xmas break isn’t easy, I admit. I need to stay focused on what is important, so that I don’t get distressed by the lousy weather, or the lack of friends on any given day. I consciously make an effort to be vigilant about my moves. Because I know how hard it is to be depressed, and how difficult and long it is to come out of it. So, being vigilant and making extra positive steps is paramount to my wellbeing. That is why I have started a new project, called kitehouse. I want to find a great spot in Europe where I can buy a place I can call my kitehouse. A windy spot where I can kitesurf. My own place. A place where I can go often when I am older and retired. I never thought of investing. It’s a good time to do so.

Whatever project I choose will have to be useful to my wellbeing and mental stability. I miss love, and feel I need someone to feel fulfilled, but I know that fulfillment must come from within me, as it did when I was younger. Hence I make projects. as many as I want to handle, but not too many, to not overwhelm me. By the way, love is NOT one of the 13 projects. After trying Tinder and Bumble for a couple of months I decided to not waste more time, and not look for love, but let it happen in due time. Meanwhile, I concentrate on my own projects and wellbeing.

One of the resolutions is to find a new therapist who can assist me this year. I had an issue with the cabinet where my psychoanalyst was practising from. Mostly invoicing errors, extra charges, etc. I decided to look for a new therapist, someone who can follow me online. It’s one of the 13 projects of this year. I sometimes feel that I don’t need a therapist anymore, but I am not convinced that this is a good time to let go of this strong ammunition. What if something drastic happens in my life that catches me unprepared?

A great resolution I have from this year is “remote work in a warm place in winter”. I asked my company HR last month if I could work for three months elsewhere next winter, somewhere warm. They’ll think about it. I don’t know how much this project is depending on me, but I will think of something to make it happen. Switzerland is great, but between November and April it sucks! Except for skiing :-).

Let’s see how January goes. I am hopeful.

R.I.P depression (2019-2022)

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Probably this is the last post for this year. Dear diary, life has been better. I have been good. This year I have learnt to not judge me, to be gentle to myself, to give myself good rewards for to the small achievements during the day. I have stopped the psychiatric medications on 25 June 2022. It was a long process, because I did it very slowly, from February to June, taking less and less pills per week. Depression was officially diagnosed in 2019, and officially ended in 2022.

For once, the death of something is a happy moment! Happy I have been off medication since June, without any sense of depression whatsoever. So good! When I was deep in my sadness, I thought I would never see this day, I thought “how can I walk without my Fluoxetin crutches?”. And then it happens. You do it, it works, and you know it. But: it is not the end of a pain like when you take out an infectious tooth! The pain doesn’t go away from one day to another, and it does require your full effort. It’s a lifelong endeavor, and I am aware of it. If I weren’t, I would be in great danger today: danger of falling into depression again one day. No no no, I know better now, and I know me better. I know my limits, the moments where I can be weak, those moments where I need to work on my happiness.

Being depressed is like coming out of the Matrix: you realise what many people don’t know, you realise how life really is. It’s a blessing in a way, although a very painful blessing. But when you come out of depression, you don’t look at life the same way. I don’t. I don’t take the happy moments for granted anymore. Today I find myself smiling at things or events that in other years I would have dismissed as obvious, given, granted. Oh no, now everything is a great thing, and when I feel a bit blue for any reason (bad day at work, no sport in a while, no boyfriend, or no travel in sight) I shift my internal gaze to something that is working in my life at that very moment. And there are always good things in life, I just need to open my eyes.

A dead depression is not dead forever. Like a Zombie, it can come back to life. This is the tricky part that must keep us vigilant. This is why I will keep seeing a psychotherapist (maybe once every 4-5 weeks) and why I will keep writing this diary. It keeps me focused, it reminds me of how I was feeling 3 years ago, even 2 years ago, even one year ago… It’s been a long process, and I didn’t think it would take so long. I had a minor case of depression, one that required 20mg a day of antidepressant. But I have a friend (my ex boss actually) who is still on 100mg a day or more, and he can’t get over it. He is still in a bad shape, despite his intelligence, nice family and everything. So we must be careful. dead is not dead; like the herpes virus, a depression stays with us and will resurge when we are weak. It is dormant like a Volcano, we must be vigilant. I will.

I wish to all depressed people to heal very soon and to have a blessed Christmas and New Year!

More soon,

Laura