Category: distraction

There’s no way I am going to fail my flight license.

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Yesterday I was very down, I failed for the third time the theoretical exam “Flight Principles”. The morning had started badly with a nasty call at work. Bad mood set right there at 9am. My exam was at 13h15. I didn’t feel it, despite I prepared. The thing is that I prepared based on the QPPL app questions. But the Office Fédéral de l’Aviation Civile puts other questions out. For the third time I made one mistake too much. You are supposed to pass 75%, which is 9 questions out of 12. I made 4 mistakes. Till the last moment I had the fourth question right. It was the section of a body that makes the resistance in an air flow, not the surface. I had clicked on “section” and then the doubt came. I switched to “surface”. For one wrong click I have the stress of having to pass my last chance, if I fail the fourth time, I have to redo the whole theory (13 exams). No chance I’ll do that.

The negative thoughts are so good at piling up. One negative thought is enough to fuel all others. In my head right now, I have this: a pile of negative thoughts, a scenario of a black future: no more ideal job, no more flight lessons, winter coming, no more sex friend…. Pile on pile on pile.

The good thoughts are being stacked elsewhere, where it doesn’t matter. I received the Swiss citizenship, I am flying to Japan and Korean this week, I will give two speeches at a Japanese conference, I am having a good time at water-polo, I have a new co-locataire for the house who is very nice, the weather in Geneva has been spectacular, sunny and warm to this day, my parents are alive, my nephew just turned 30 and my brother 56. I started interviewing candidate therapists to coach me in winter. Life is good.

And yet it could all go wrong. Hell no. I won’t allow it, for God’s sake.

Yesterday and today, I was feeling like shit, self-commiserating, poor me I can’t get an exam right, damn me, I can’t get an exam right, and work sucks, everyone is so inefficient, people unhappy about my pushing too much, yara yara yara. What the f**k. I stop it right there. I want to take this opportunity to stop and reflect on the reaction in my guts, on the irritating and revolting feeling I feel in the stomach, and how to revert this sense of pins and needles in my head, that come from being disappointed, angry, sad, frustrated all at once.

Meditation is still not my thing, too calm for my mind. But I can listen to some ted talks and put my mind at peace for a while. I found a podcast about therapy. I hope I find a good therapist who can accompany me during winter time. Winter is coming and I feel I am not prepared this time. Red flag, red alert.

Noise Off Distractions

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Last night I had dinner with my boss. I invited him over. It was a good exercise to discuss with him. this morning I figured out why. Waking up, while my thoughts are at best, free from distraction, and free to roam in my brain without noise, I realised : “noise”! That’s what it is. This is what I need to work on. I can best compute, reason, tink, work, judge, when I am free of noises. I am sharp when I don’t have distractions.

What I realise this mornign is that people are my main distraction. And by distraction I don’t mean something negative, I mean a distraction from my ultimate goal in life: be in peace with myself.

While waking up, the thought of distraction brought me immediately back to Will. The love of my life. Why did I leave him, why did I suffer so much for leaving him, and why this and why that. I think I know now: it is because he was a necessary casualty to free my self from distractions that don’t make me see me.

Distraction: something that prevents someone from giving their attention to something else:

Cambridge Dictionary

That’s exactly it. When I am with people, I am prevented from giving my attention to someone else: me. When I am with someone, I tend to reduce me in order to let the other express, shine, decide, say, feel respected. By doing so I let my own self pass on second rang. For the sake of others. I wrote a page of my diary about this, I need to find it again. ’cause its true. this has been one of my main difficulties in life: how to joggle between me and others, how to act and preserve my self against other selves. I see this in my present job, which I like very much, but it gives me pain as well, cause I don’t feel myself enough heard, appreciated and followed, as I should. And when I am with my chef, my superior, I lose my self, and he becomes a distraction, that doesn’t make me see me and my reasoning. How to pierce my own view into them. me against them, woman against a world of men. That too I am sure plays quite a role.

The medicine is giving me more strength and helps me detach from the situation. But I am still vulnerable, and I am still months away from being confident that I will make it without the drugs. I had a dream last night, that I was depressed and felt like doing nothing. The worst nightmare, it reminded me what it feels like to have no motivation.

But waking up, the motivation is there, and I thank God. Nature maybe :-).

Create a hobby

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When the psychologist says “do things you enjoy doing”, he is not wrong. It just takes a huge effort to take the first step. When I feel depressed I don’t feel like moving a thing, lifting a pen, tidying up the kitchen, let alone work on my hobbies, on what could make me excited. But, if I find the minimum motivation to take the first step, then I am really proud of myself. Taking Fluoxetin in the past few months has helped me feel more balanced and serene, so I take this opportunity to feel motivated enough to make a big step into something I really like to do. I have been postponing it for about two years, and now I have finally taken small steps toward it, and I did it. It’s like taking a weight off of my shoulders: finally being able to work on the podcast I have been meaning to do for a long time.

My goodness, how difficult was this first step: I was looking at the whole picture and the endeavor seemed to be just too big to master. I would need to know how to record, how to edit the sound, how to find music, how to mix everything, how to find guests to invite to the show, how to choose the right hosting platform, etc. So, while the podcast has been in my head for such a long time, and all its perceived obstacles, I have taken one simple step: I looked for a freelance to help me with sound editing; on upwork I found a few freelancers. This has unblocked the mega block I had about podcasting: finding someone to share the task with me has been the solution to unblocking the blockage. It’s been 3 weeks and I have been interviewing people non stop, after my work hours, and working on my intro and outro before work, in the morning. It’s satisfying, I get to speak with people, I get to learn new things, and I get to improve my interviewing skills.

Making the podcast has helped me immensely to get back on my feet, feel confidence, and counterbalance the frustrating moments at work. With a podcast I manage to put my eggs in different baskets, this is very important for my overall well being. So, next to the big “work” basket, now I have a “podcast” basket. Another basket is weekend sports: I am skiing quite a lot in Switzerland these days, despite the pandemic restrictions, and I am seeing new friends. This is something I look forward to.

Dinners are also events I am enjoying. Making food for people, new friends, people I met on the whatsapp groups of like minded expats who are looking for new friends and activities to do. The social media help in this. Not easy to make friends in Switzerland, and I find that Lausanne has more Swiss people than expats (harder to mingle with Swiss than with expats); but I am meeting new people by signing up for walks, ski weekends on the mountains, and swimming sessions in the glacial cold lake. New acquaintances help the daily life.

With Fluoxetin, more motivation, new activities, I feel that I am getting stronger. I have things to look forward to. And spring is coming: longer days, lighter days; this helps me immensely. There is hope. Just taking one step after the other. It’s so true: try to do something you know you enjoy. It’s difficult for us, depression prone people, but it’s not impossible; that’s it, it’s possible, and it will change your life for the better.