Category: change behaviour

I am staying the course

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Wow, I haven’t written since January. This is not because I haven’t thought of depression, but probably because I have been in a state of non depression but not happy either. Super boring winter, very bad weather which by itself puts me in a bad mood. Work changes, and other things not changing fast enough at work. Feeling like I am missing out on opportunities, but at the same time I don’t want to rush things, such as finding another job, because you know what you are leaving but you don’t know what you are getting into.

I feel I need some guidance. I started seeing a psychologist, but after 5-6 sessions he was not the right fit for me. I need someone who can come up with conclusions, suggestions, actions to take. Give me good advice. It is not easy to find a good therapist. Plus I was looking online…even harder.

So, things have been OK, not super, not sad. I am glad I haven’t fallen into depression. I know spring is coming and the long days of sunshine await me. I want to think strategically about my future moves. I just turned 50, and I want to use the energy I still have to do great things. Not wait until retirement, when your energy level decreases and then you are too old to travel around and do adventurous stuff.

But it’s also difficult to find someone to travel with. I would love to find a new love of my life, for my second stage of life, someone who brings me surprise, fascination, discovery, peace of mind. Someone intelligent and achieved, who isn’t reinventing himself at 50, someone with financial stability, who isn’t worried about spending a weekend abroad due to budgetary restrictions. Someone with no strings attaached. Veeeery difficult to find.

But hey, I am healthy, I have a job, which is mostly ok, sometimes great, often angering, I have a sex friend who has upgraded to sex friend plus plus, but not boyfriend, I live in a beautiful safe country, people look at me and think I have come so far. The grass is always greener at the neighbor’s, but my grass is pretty green too. I need to remind myself to see the positive sides, and not succumb to the negative temptations. It’s easy to self pity, it’s harder to see the good in everything. Harder for me, at least.

I want this feeling of unachievement to leave my mind. And most of all I want to feel the motivation and the drive to keep going, do stuff, clean the bathroom, find a new job, interview new people for my podcast, call up customers for work, book the next flight for the holidays, be presentable to dinners, put some make up on, feel the sense in what I do, even when it feels so boringly routine.

How to not self-boycott my mind

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It’s been a year without a therapist that can guide me through difficult moments, and remind me the good mental practices during the difficult moments. I am in the process of finding a therapist, one who speaks English and that I can afford. It’s a longer process than I thought. In the meantime, I do have the tools to detect red alerts when they are coming. And this is a red alert time for me.

My final attempt at passing Principes du Vol (branch 080) is coming up, 13 November, with pre-exams this morning. The self-boycott phase started weeks ago, and I must stop it. Since my last post, when I was already complaining about failing the exam and things going bad from now on, a few good things have happened, which I need to remind myself of. To counterbalance the bad thoughts that want to drag me down with them.

Good thing happened: I traveled to Asia for work, and I discovered two new cities in countries I had never been to. Since I love to travel, this is positive. Another great thing is that we managed to finalise the biggest deal at work, it had to happen before 31 October, and signatures have been digitally initiated yesterday. This is big, and I should not dismiss it as an easy accomplishment, cause it was not (it took almost a year).

See, my mind works in a way that one negative though feeds on another one to justify itself. It’s what my old therapist used to describe with “fascination for dissatisfaction”. My mind (like my mom’s) scans very fast through all the thoughts that could be negative in my mind, and binds them all up like grapes; this way the little negative thoughts become an army of negativity, which then justifies my miserable self. Ah…… great tactic! I should tell Macchiavelli about this one!

These days I am seeing a pattern going on that fuels this grape-like construction. My brain is finding a way to justify my failing at flying. If I fail 080 this fourth time, I have to repeat the whole theory, about 9 exams I already passed. There is no way I am going to do that. The thing is, I am not sure I’ll pass, I am studying a lot, a lot more than for other branches, but there are always questions in the multiple choice tests that I can’t answer correctly. This is a subject that I find difficult to digest. The whole aerodynamic laws, the lift and drag, the Bernoulli principle, air flux, Newton, Archimede. The whole lot. I am intelligent, but I am not a scientific mind, I am more into feeling and intuition, talking and speaking to a public, making podcasts and listen to people’s stories. When it gets to formulas, I go with intuition rather than with calculation.

So, here’s what I have been thinking these days: if I fail it will be bad for me, company is paying for the lessons, it is important for my job, if I fail I won’t be continuing the pilot licence, I will not become a pilot, if I fail at negotiating my salary with HR next week it will add to the failure of the PPL, plus I find the whole electrical subject difficult, and that’s my line of work, all of the eggs I put in this basket will fail all at once, and I will be miserable again, I have no partner, I can’t find true love, winter is here, days are dark and cold, less sunshine, what if my parents die this year or next, I will be weak for all this to endure. Etc etc. That’s my self-boycott process. Result: I get in a really bad mood, I wake up in the middle of the night, my heart burns. No advancement there.

So, I say it here, with the diary as my witness: I will endeavor to chase away all negative thoughts that want to grape up in me in the next weeks to come. I will be strong and will rely on my intelligent self to see the strong woman and not fuel the weak one that wants to come out (I mean, I have thoughts of being homeless again! can you imagine?). This is a difficult time of the year, where weather and season put a layer on top of the regular thoughts. But as that woman said in her video, the world is neutral. We tone it positive or negative with our own thoughts. So, stop being negative. I will pass the exam and will continue the PPL.

There’s no way I am going to fail my flight license.

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Yesterday I was very down, I failed for the third time the theoretical exam “Flight Principles”. The morning had started badly with a nasty call at work. Bad mood set right there at 9am. My exam was at 13h15. I didn’t feel it, despite I prepared. The thing is that I prepared based on the QPPL app questions. But the Office Fédéral de l’Aviation Civile puts other questions out. For the third time I made one mistake too much. You are supposed to pass 75%, which is 9 questions out of 12. I made 4 mistakes. Till the last moment I had the fourth question right. It was the section of a body that makes the resistance in an air flow, not the surface. I had clicked on “section” and then the doubt came. I switched to “surface”. For one wrong click I have the stress of having to pass my last chance, if I fail the fourth time, I have to redo the whole theory (13 exams). No chance I’ll do that.

The negative thoughts are so good at piling up. One negative thought is enough to fuel all others. In my head right now, I have this: a pile of negative thoughts, a scenario of a black future: no more ideal job, no more flight lessons, winter coming, no more sex friend…. Pile on pile on pile.

The good thoughts are being stacked elsewhere, where it doesn’t matter. I received the Swiss citizenship, I am flying to Japan and Korean this week, I will give two speeches at a Japanese conference, I am having a good time at water-polo, I have a new co-locataire for the house who is very nice, the weather in Geneva has been spectacular, sunny and warm to this day, my parents are alive, my nephew just turned 30 and my brother 56. I started interviewing candidate therapists to coach me in winter. Life is good.

And yet it could all go wrong. Hell no. I won’t allow it, for God’s sake.

Yesterday and today, I was feeling like shit, self-commiserating, poor me I can’t get an exam right, damn me, I can’t get an exam right, and work sucks, everyone is so inefficient, people unhappy about my pushing too much, yara yara yara. What the f**k. I stop it right there. I want to take this opportunity to stop and reflect on the reaction in my guts, on the irritating and revolting feeling I feel in the stomach, and how to revert this sense of pins and needles in my head, that come from being disappointed, angry, sad, frustrated all at once.

Meditation is still not my thing, too calm for my mind. But I can listen to some ted talks and put my mind at peace for a while. I found a podcast about therapy. I hope I find a good therapist who can accompany me during winter time. Winter is coming and I feel I am not prepared this time. Red flag, red alert.

25 June 2022: Last Fluoxetine

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End of a chapter. A long one. After 3 long years. I took my last fluoxetine on 25 June 2022. So happy!

Ok! I know it is not over, I need to monitor my mood, my thoughts, my attitude towards life. Cause the psychologist told me clearly: you will get rid of depression, but your tendency of seeing the glass half empty will still be there, unless you constantly train to change it. He is right. Some days I feel happy because of things going well, and some other days I feel frustrated of what I don’t have, what I am not achieving, or anything else that occurs to my mind that is not positive.

The finishing process started in February. I started taking 1 Fluoxetine every other day, after a month I took it every 3 days, the month after I took 1 Fluoxetine every 4 days, and so on, until last month (June) I took one every 6 or 7 days. I basically took 4 in a month. 20mg, it’s basically zero effect.

At the beginning of this diary I said I was going to fight this monster, and I am fighting it. I am happy about it, and it is the one single most important thing for me to conquer. Without a happy self, I cannot find my balance at work, in love and in society. I am well aware that I am walking on a thin line, like a funambule: everything could change for the worse in no time. I still have a strong attraction for a drastic change of life, I want to escape, leave Switzerland, start traveling, find love, give up my job, be free, disappear. This usually happens when my mind is dissatisfied about something. But then I’d give up all I have worked for in the last 6 years, all for a deep sense of dissatisfaction? Hold on a minute, I must wait; dissatisfaction, you still exist, but it’s how I perceive you that I must chance, I must thame you, every day of my life. Only then I can leave CH.

6 years ago I lost the love of my life; I let him go, I chased him away; I did a terrible thing to our relationship, to his life and to my own life; it is taking me so long to let go of Will, too long; sense of guilt, sense of losing the one true love of my life; alone in this country that is not popular for its social gatherings, a country where I have felt most lonely, so lonely it was unbearable. Sometimes it still feels super lonely, unbearable, and I would like to leave. Maybe I will, but first I have set goals, and I must comply with my goals: end depression, get the Swiss nationality, become a private pilot, move into a new home with my friends. Only then I can think of leaving.

I have met someone through my podcast. We spent some special, short moments together. Unfortunately he is taken, married, with kids, so it’s a no go for me. But it showed me that a new love is possible, and I am grateful for those moments spent with him. I am ready to find a new love, and put the big old love behind me. Step by step.

It’s not about me

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It’s been almost two years since my first Fluoxetine dose. December 2019 was when I started. Then I took it until June 2020, and reduced the dosage by half, until September 2020, when I stopped completely. By end of October 2020 I was depressed again and had to resume Fluoxetine early December 2020. Today is 24 October 2021. Unlike last year, I have not attempted again to stop Fluoxetine at the beginning of autumn, but will do so next year, 2022, around March-April, when the best season for me starts.

This is an introduction to say that the way I feel now is different from last year. Today I feel confident, not depressed, I have energy, not lack of living fuel in my veins; the problems that arose last year with work (a contract that has deteriorated over the months) is persisting this year, with a new challenging turn, but I am taking it in a different way. This is a progress, and I’ll take anything but depression. Depression is a plug that is torn from my body, energy that turns off without a turn on button on the instruction manual. Anger, on the contrary, is a feeling, it makes me feel alive, although it’s not as pleasant as joy.

Anger is what I feel today, and what I have felt the past weeks. I have given so much to my job, working more than necessary, believing in the product, and I have received zero recognition and support from the management. I told this Mr. G., my psychologist, whom I see every 3-4 weeks, and I expressed him my frustration.

Frustration: the feeling of being annoyed or less confident because you cannot achieve what you want, or something that makes you feel like this

Cambridge Dictionary

So, I’ll take anger, because if I think back only a year ago, I could not move from bed. But I need to harness this feeling, which I consider not a happy one, and transform it to a positive one; Mr. G. told me that I want everybody to love me, and I seek everybody’s approval and recognition, whereas this is not what I should be aiming at. I should be happy with how I feel about me. It’s ok if not everyone loves me, it’s ok to have “enemies”, I need to remember that these are all feelings, not the universal truth. Reality is the way I perceive myself within my own circle of relationships.

It’s not all about me. I came across this video on Youtube and it made me think. Frederik Imbo, the author of this Ted Talk, says : do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? He advocates to use discipline and training, to train your brain not to take things personally. He became a referee to train himself to not take things personally. He shifted the focus from Me to We, and look at the other person’s intention. ’cause it’s not about me.

And what if it is about me? In this case I doubt about myself, because I haven’t come to terms with parts of myself, I am not confident. And I don’t take into account other people’s needs. This is probably rooted in childhood (maybe you were never good enough, or you were spoiled too much, always having your dad’s back).

I have started exercising not to take things personally. Easier said than done, but at least by trying I am training my mind to protect myself. It’s usually not about me, in which case the problem isn’t there, it’s the way others see themselves. When it’s about me, what can I do? My ego wants to be right, it wants to be acknowledged. Me, myself and I.

I am sad if I don’t get recognition. Imbo says: then open up without blaming the other one, vocalise your needs. Give yourself empathy, speak up.

I will adopt this strategy next time I am sitting in the same room with the CEO.

PS: did you know that we have 50’000 thoughts a day, and of them 10’000 are positive. 80% of what we think are negative thoughts. We might as well concentrate more on the positive.

Noise Off Distractions

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Last night I had dinner with my boss. I invited him over. It was a good exercise to discuss with him. this morning I figured out why. Waking up, while my thoughts are at best, free from distraction, and free to roam in my brain without noise, I realised : “noise”! That’s what it is. This is what I need to work on. I can best compute, reason, tink, work, judge, when I am free of noises. I am sharp when I don’t have distractions.

What I realise this mornign is that people are my main distraction. And by distraction I don’t mean something negative, I mean a distraction from my ultimate goal in life: be in peace with myself.

While waking up, the thought of distraction brought me immediately back to Will. The love of my life. Why did I leave him, why did I suffer so much for leaving him, and why this and why that. I think I know now: it is because he was a necessary casualty to free my self from distractions that don’t make me see me.

Distraction: something that prevents someone from giving their attention to something else:

Cambridge Dictionary

That’s exactly it. When I am with people, I am prevented from giving my attention to someone else: me. When I am with someone, I tend to reduce me in order to let the other express, shine, decide, say, feel respected. By doing so I let my own self pass on second rang. For the sake of others. I wrote a page of my diary about this, I need to find it again. ’cause its true. this has been one of my main difficulties in life: how to joggle between me and others, how to act and preserve my self against other selves. I see this in my present job, which I like very much, but it gives me pain as well, cause I don’t feel myself enough heard, appreciated and followed, as I should. And when I am with my chef, my superior, I lose my self, and he becomes a distraction, that doesn’t make me see me and my reasoning. How to pierce my own view into them. me against them, woman against a world of men. That too I am sure plays quite a role.

The medicine is giving me more strength and helps me detach from the situation. But I am still vulnerable, and I am still months away from being confident that I will make it without the drugs. I had a dream last night, that I was depressed and felt like doing nothing. The worst nightmare, it reminded me what it feels like to have no motivation.

But waking up, the motivation is there, and I thank God. Nature maybe :-).

Training the mind

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I am consciously training my mind to behave in ways that are different from …

My goodness, I realised I never completed this page. Dear diario, a long time has passed since my last writing, but my thought goes almost daily to you, and I wish to write much more often than I actually do.

I have been very busy with work, and have also been on holiday. I am still in Southern Italy enjoying my favorite place on Earth, but despite the fact that I am free to write these days, I don’t, cause I am really enjoying not being on the computer. This happens about 2-3 weeks per year, and I love it. Sometimes I wish I had an agricultural or a sea job, where you don’t need to be on the computer all the time.

Anyway, what I wanted to write when I last touched this diary, is that I have started training my mind to behave in ways that are different from what I am used to. I believe that our minds are all engineered by the genes that are transmitted by our family line, and by the behaviours that we develop during our childhood. Habits that occur on a regular basis at home, at school, etc. I am doing a lot of self-analysis, also with the assistance of my psychologist, with whom I relate to see if I am on track with my self-analysis (to avoid that it derails into something not useful to me). Since the habits are well ingrained, and tested over years and years of practice, I need to de-grain them, undo the habit.

So, the training consists of stopping my mind over a behaviour that I would usually have over something, say for instance at breakfast, and turn that behaviour into something that gives me more pleasure over time. Hard to describe right now, because I need to find myself in the moment in order to best describe what I mean. But in a nutshell, here is an example.

I am about to have breakfast; I make sure I clean the whole table before I sit and enjoy what for me amounts to the best meal of the day. I observe myself from the outside, right at the moment when I am starting to clean the whole kitchen; this behavior is forcing me to delay my breakfast, and it will delay everything else I have to do in the morning, including work; so I force myself to clean half the table instead of the entire table, and I force myself to not start cleaning the sink or the kitchen counter. I leave the sponge and I sit down to have breakfast. It is hard at first, because my mind is set to cleaning the whole thing before I allow myself to move to the next action, but in the longer run (a few minutes later in this case) I know that forcing myself to change my behaviour will be rewarding: I can enjoy my breakfast sooner, my mind will give me a break over my OCD, the compulsive behaviour that limits me.

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