Day 3 – The relaxation videos

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I knew this day would come. These past couple of days of feeling normal did not ratify the end of my problem. It would have been great to just make all my sadness disappear like that, after one week of pills. One true thing: the medicine only helps to make you feel more “upbeat”, but it won’t solve the deeply rooted problem. you won’t cry, but your issues won’t disappear. For this I need to do a tremendous work on myself, with the help of a psychologist (whom I see this week for the first time).

I haven’t slept much last night. Overwhelming thoughts were stressing me and waking me up every 2 hours. I blame partially Fluoxetin . Even Michael Sealey whom I listen to from time to time on YouTube, when I feel very upset, has only partially relieved my internal turmoil. Another thing I never thought I would do: listen to meditation audios on YouTube. But I am in survival mode, and whatever helps, I take. Michael Sealey was suggested to me by the YouTube app, and I truly appreciate the hard work he has put into making very compelling audios to help (now) 1 million subscribers sleep better, relax, tone down their stress. His voice is very calming, I see why he has reached one million followers. I hope to keep his constancy when I finally do my podcast. If you want to check him out, this is what I listened to last night: hypnosis to let go of negative attachments. Take note: breathing is key.

So, yesterday I spent the afternoon and evening watching two movies and a documentary about Lady Diana; despite the interesting docu about Lady Di, I feel I have wasted precious time in front of a charming box that emits noise and colored images. I could have hiked, swom, visited another country, learnt how to do pottery, climb, work on my podcast…. Anything I don’t experience myself gives me a big clog in my stomach, cause I am missing out on opportunities in the world. This inactivity didn’t make me sleep at night.

That’s the thing : with depression everything seems so unachievable to me, that doing nothing becomes the easiest thing. I am not happy about doing nothing, not at all, but the thought of taking step 1, 2, 3 etc of a project I have in mind (be it washing the dishes, climbing a mountain or making a podcast) becomes very stressful.

And this morning I feel anxious, and a bit desperate, although the medicines are preventing me from crying, for which I am grateful. But the stomach hurts. I wonder if working today is a good idea.

And yet I have handled stressful tasks in the past, through my previous jobs. But that’s another story.

Will aim for a better day tomorrow. Life is beautiful. I just lost the glasses.

Fluoxetin

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This is what is looks like, Fluoxetin:

Very unsexy name, I got it prescribed last week for the first time. My mood was too low and I couldn’t see any joy in anything I was doing. I have fought so many times to avoid getting to this stage, and here I am, taking antidepressants. Another unsexy word – antidepressants. We could have come up with a more compassionate word, one that includes the hope of healing. In Africa they use so many refreshing words (like Ubuntu – brotherhood, sounds so nice), we could have gone to an African tribe and asked “what healing name would you give to an epidemic disease that’s spreading in the first world?”. They would probably look at us in disbelief. Depression: what’s that? We haven’t got that far up into Maslow’s pyramid!

True, ‘cause depression is a disease of people like you and me whose basic needs have been already fulfilled. We are not fighting to drink, eat or find shelter. All of that is already taken care of. We are among the few lucky in this world. I have time to think of how to fulfill myself in this lifetime; I have money to take a holiday, buy furniture and new clothes; I never felt really hungry in my life; my grandmother used to describe to me what hunger was, during World War One and Two – I could try to imagine, but that was it.

I got sidetracked, but there is a reason for it: the very first psychiatrist I ever visited, who gave me the Fluoxetin you see in the picture, is a Congolese doctor. Man, he must be thinking “what a first world problem to have” …. I am not sure I trust him yet (I don’t trust doctors in general) but his jolly, bubbly, slightly over-weighted self is comforting.

It takes two to three weeks for the medicament to have an effect; I am down to week 1. First two days I cried, was anxious and panicking, I wanted to scream at the doctor that he should have warned me. Be warned: the first effect of an antidepressant can make you more depressed. Great! Had I known, I could have been prepared. Next few days have been better. I took three days off work, which helped.

It’s been now one week, and since a couple of days my afternoons are feeling normal, serene, like I haven’t been feeling in a long time. Since July 2019 (five months ago) I have been falling into a sad sad mood, not one day of joy and nothing to look forward to. So, this white and green pill I am taking is making me feel better, and hallelujah for modern medicine! Bring it on, inject chemicals in me that have been missing: serotonin, dopamine, endorphins, whatever works. It feels good.

Side effects: stomach burns (you need to eat well before taking it), one or two morning spasms when waking up (you know the feeling of when you wake up before you fall?), not a big deal, I guess, and anxiety in the morning – which diminished the last 2-3 days because I took 3 days off work.

A good friend (who has been through this) told me I should take time for myself, get a sick leave, and spend one or two weeks resting. I took 3 days only (I feel too responsible towards the company). Tomorrow I have to go to Lugano for work. I will be testing my moods, it should be ok. I have to work to earn money, but I may have to tell my Director to slow down on my tasks. Maybe work 80% (In Switzerland this is possible).

Another good day. I posted this note. Tomorrow is work day, we’ll see how anxiety goes. Thank you for reading. Eventually.

Podcast progress: maybe some today, after this post is up.

The idea of a diary

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My friend suggested that I write a diary about my moods, so I can re-read it after some time and gauge how things evolve; develop a sort of distant approach that allows me to see more clearly, more objectively, sometime in the future.

I never been much into diaries, and my worry is that I won’t be constant. What’s the point of writing if no one reads? If I put my diary in the drawer, for sure nobody will read it. But also, what’s the point in not writing, if It could really help me feel better? Maybe keeping a diary will help me heal from this problem I find myself in. But having a reader would help me be constant. Definitely. Writing these couple of lines feels strange already.

So, no reader hidden in my bedside drawer, I checked. No reader: no motivation. So, why don’t I make an online diary, where you, whom I don’t know, might stumble today or tomorrow upon my tales and will tune in, read, comment, be my motivation to write. Why is motivation so important? You’ll see if you stick around.

Oh, have I told you what I will write about? They call it the epidemic of the century; for years I have known it as mood swing, frustration, sadness, but never dared to call it depression, cause that word has so much medical connotation and I feel its meaning slips out of my own control and becomes something to be treated with drugs.

Why write now? Because I am smack in the middle of it, fighting with all my teeth, arms, toes, until this devastating state of mind finally leaves me for good. I am not at the end of the tunnel, so I don’t yet know the ending to my story. Which should make it interesting for you to follow. How will it end? Well, one thing I know for sure: this is a fight, and I intend to win. Life is too beautiful to waste it being sad. But man, I didn’t know how deep is the bottom.

Why online? Besides for what I wrote above, I feel it makes sense: you go to YouTube, Facebook, Instagram, there’s mostly messages and videos of happy people, and people who tell you how to be happy. But what about the myriad of us who are in a state of unhappiness? Where’s our voice? I feel being depressed is seen as a stigma. Even I have stopped posting photos of myself; and I might resume once I am happy again. Did you notice? Nobody ever published a photo of Robin Williams depressed, and yet he was. One of the most amazing comedians of our times, who made us all laugh for years, he was victim of sadness. You never see pictures of your friends on Facebook while they are having a crisis, are crying, are lonely or desperate. Nope, photos got to be happy, beautiful and taken from the perfect angle, immortalizing through a snapshot that very millisecond in which you were looking happy. But when (not “if”) you are not happy at one point in life, why don’t you want to say it? If you decide to read my diary, you will first see my sad profile, my struggle, my fight to regain motivation, and hopefully at the end of this trip, with some good luck, perseverance and help, you will know my happy self.  

So, what’s my trigger? Why am I writing a diary at 45 years of age? Because I have just done something that I never thought I would do: I have asked for help. Doctors. Medicines. Chemicals. And this, my friend, is a stepping stone. I have always fought against the idea of taking medicines, going to shrinks (strizzacervelli in Italian, brain squeezers). If it’s the body, I go to the doctor, if it’s the mind, I must control it myself. But I have come to such a low point that, apparently, my sad mood has changed the chemistry in my brain, and a week ago I started taking my first antidepressant. That is my way of saying to the world “please help me, I can’t make it by myself anymore”. I still live it as a defeat.

Ok let’s try this. I have written enough for day one.

Let me find a website where I can put my notes. I hear WordPress is a good platform, although wix.com is the first site that comes up when I search “blog”. But I learnt recently that on WordPress you can also host a podcast (I’ll explain another day why I am interested), so I’ll go with that. If you could read this note before I choose WordPress, I could read your comments, maybe you have other websites to suggest. Since today is a good day and I feel motivated (not common these days, in my world) I will take advantage of my good mood to go to that site, sign up, create an email (I wanted to name it depressionfighter at gmail, but it was already taken! So I picked wewinthisfight at gmail) and off I go. By the way, “you” are included in the “we”.

Thank you for reading. I hope you tag along. It will help me feel that I am not alone in this fight.

Today is a good day. Big step made. I created my first blog. I wrote the first note.

Podcast idea: still on the shelf. That’s coming.