Tiredness

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I keep meditating in the morning. I am not trying to meditate a second time daily yet, as it is quite hard to take some moment off my daily schedule, once the day starts. I would like to increase the meditation time per day, (for now it’s 30 minutes) as I am convinced it would be helping even more, but for now I am content with what I manage. Even the yoga for the eyes was really good, but I have stopped that. Work has been absorbing me a lot, but it is giving me joy, so I do it with pleasure. I am happy these days (and months), it feels so good to have life and joy in the veins. For the moment I am mostly absorbed by work, and I want to make a conscious effort in balancing the elements of my life, so that I don’t have all my joy in one basket. I want to increase the sport level, which since COvid has been drastically reduced, and I want to increase the social life. I find myself too comfortable on my own since lockdown. I don’t know if it’s because I have finally found myself again, and am happy with my own company, or because of the effects of isolation due to the pandemic. December 2019 I was desperate because I could not travel as much as I wanted, and July 2020 I am happy travelling less. Is it because I am satisfied with my job now? Is it because of Fluoxetin? Is it because I have started granting myself the love and self admiration I had for so long abandoned? All of the above perhaps.

Speaking of Fluoxetin: I halved the dose 5 weeks ago. I can’t see any difference in my state of mind, and I am very happy about this. I am not sure if there are side effects to Fluoxetin, all I know is that it doesn’t produce addiction, so I should be fine getting off completely in a couple of months time. My next appointment with Dr. N. (the jolly Congolese) is in August. He’ll assess whether it’s the right time to stop. One thing I have noticed since two weeks, though, is that by Friday afternoon I am knackered. I am so tired that my brain can’t compute anymore, and on Saturday I wake up tired. I have had to take a long nap on both past Saturdays. Today is Sunday and I feel a bit more energised, I wonder if it is because I am not sleeping my 7.5 hours minimum, which is my ideal, 8 being even better, or because work has been so tolling these past weeks that I am just tired, as anybody would be. I must admit the sensation of tiredness on Saturdays, where all I want is sleep all day, scares me because it reminds me of when I was depressed and I was not motivated by anything, so staying in bed was the only thing I would do. This is not the same circumstance, I do have great motivation to get out of bed, I am just scared of depression.

Control your emotions

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I have not written in over 15 days. I have been thinking a lot about the diary, and I made notes in my calendar of what I was going to write next. Work has been overwhelming, as we started going out again, visit customers, and going abroad. But despite the more hectic schedule, I have managed to always meditate in the morning. I do it as I wake up. Mornings are when I have most thoughts coming through my head, and I process what happened the day (or days) before and I do my list for the day. This list promptly shows itself while I am breathing through my mantra, and I try to not put attention to this list, but rather to let go my thoughts, as meditation teaches. Not easy, Especially these days, when I find myself being very excited about work – amazing if you think that in December I was ready to quit.

I am presently charged with positive emotions, sometime I am so excited and happy that I want to burst. If I think back only 6 months ago, my emotions were loaded with negative guns, firing up through my stomach, head brain and Agata brain suffering (see Agata here). Negative then, positive now; I’d rather burst of joy than of sadness, that is 100% sure. But I think of ways to protect myself from falling down into the abyss of depression, and for this reason I want to control my emotions, even when they are extra positive. Meditation helps me in the morning. And breathing consciously during the day.

I often think of my boss these days, He is a charismatic, young and ambitious man who has managed to create a great innovative company from scratch over a decade ago. I am working more and more on international projects and often happens that I sit with him, and the creative juices start pouring from both our heads. He is very inspiting and smart, and I feel excited and stimulated by his intelligence, and feel that we are on the same wavelength. This shoots in my vains the equivalent of 20mg of Fluoxetin per day, making my day and week better. I feel the seratonin going crazily well, and I want this to never end. But, I have to be very careful, to not make a yoyo out of this. Too happy today, too sad tomorrow. No way. Plus I need to remember that I have halved the dose of Fluoxetin, it’s been almost a month now, and so far so damn good. I don’t want to mess up my good work. That is why I want to control my positive emotions, so that I know how to control my negative ones one day. It is super important.

By reducing the level of excitement for things happening today, such as a good deal made with a client, a beautiful sunny day out with my family, a hike in the mountains etc, I know that I will preserve my newly found self, and will be ready for the gloomier days in life. Cause those are part of our life, it’s not always happy moment, it’s difficult ones, and the only difference it makes in me is how I deal with them. Half full or half empty glass. I choose the full.

10mg

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I am back in Rome for a week. My mom had an urgent surgery due to a hernia that was pushing against the root of the nerve (L4 level), and caused her tremendous pain plus was preventing electric impulse from flowing in her left leg. Bref, as we say in French, I had to rush down to Italy from Lausanne, which was not easy, since COvid measures are still not totally relaxed between countries, and I had to start a sort of pilgrimage to the holy city, which entailed taking the train from Zurich to Chiasso, walk to the Italian border with a big luggage, the laptop bag and a plant for my mom, catch a bus to Como station, and jump on a train hoping it would lead me to Milano Centrale. Almost, it took me to Porta Garibaldi, a few metro stations from my destination. I slept in Milan at an Airbnb, and at 6am the next morning I took the Frecciarossa train to Rome. It took me almost 24h to get there.

A few days earlier I had asked my psychiatrist to reduce Fluoxetin. As I said in another post, the self isolation time has helped me work on myself, and do mental exercises that have helped me get stronger, and feel that my core happiness that I am regaining is due more and more to me and not to the medicament. He agreed to reduce from 20mg to 10mg. Big step for me. I was worried about the consequences, and the effects or side effects it would have on me. I am still very careful, and am being vigilant to the mood shifts I may have. I started 10mg on 5 June, and today is 15 June. Already ten days.

I can’t tell what exactly is the effect of the reduction, but I can certainly tell that my stomach is adjusting to the new intake. I was taking another brand of Fluoxetin, which was in gel capsules (with powder inside), and I had to change it to another brand (solid tablets) because I need to cut the tablet in two (there is no 10mg pill, at least in CH). I can tell that my stomach has been burning during the day, and I am sure it is because of this change. So, that is clear.

What is less clear is whether the reduction is making me more angry, or whether it is my hormonal state. It so happens that I started the reduction just as I was about to have my period. I take Estrogens and Progesterone regularly because in the past years I had started having less and less menstruation (at about 42), as if I were in pre-menopause. I know now that this pre or peri-menopause is due to the stress my mind and soul found themselves in, a slow process towards depression that has blocked my body functions. Just like a high level sportswoman who has no more menstruation because of the strain the training has on her body.

In the past 4-5 days I have found myself angrier, and more “delicate”. I love this word, delicate, Roy from “The IT Crowd” very cutely says it at the episode called “Aunt Irma”. You have to watch this : Series 1 Episode 6 . Hilarious. So, yes, I think I am sensitive because of my period, but my period started and didn’t continue at this round, so that’s another story. I am guessing that I have been hormonally challenged, and on top of that work has been exciting yet stressful, a lot to think about and to follow up on; couple that with the long journey to Rome and the worry that the surgeon might injure my mom even more, I was ready to kill somebody 3 days ago! I didn’t literally kill, but I was very vocal with my words, and found myself being angry at every little thing that was happening to me, all the more when the little thing was against my self. Example: a colleague who didn’t want to help me at work, or the train manager who didn’t want me to get on the train; the lady at the Airbnb who was not talkative and was rather dry (she did her job though, handed me the keys to the room and showed me the kitchen), but I wanted her to be more lovely, just like I am with my guests at home.

Bref…. (long story short), here I am in Rome, I finally made it. My mom had her surgery, she is fine and now I will work from Rome remotely, nursing my mother and giving my father a break. They are getting old. I still don’t know whether my mood swing towards anger had to do with the 10mg, or with my period. Maybe a bit of both? I will monitor the situation and will revert asap.

More soon.

OCD [obsessive compulsive disorder]

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For sake of defition, here is a meaning of OCD that I have found on the internet:

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a mental illness that causes repeated unwanted thoughts or sensations (obsessions) or the urge to do something over and over again (compulsions). Some people can have both obsessions and compulsions.

https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/obsessive-compulsive-disorder#1

I think that each of us has some OCDs. I wouldn’t talk about mental illness, for the OCD I am referring, but I’d say they are little personal compulsions and obsessions that we feel the need to execute, otherwise we can’t proceed with the rest of the day. If you think of my OCD, I can find many. And now that I an working on knowing myself consciously, to strengthen my inner core (not the muscles…), I feel that OCDs are part of the things that distract me from being a better me.

WebMD writes: “OCD isn’t about habits like biting your nails or thinking negative thoughts. An obsessive thought might be that certain numbers or colors are “good” or “bad.” A compulsive habit might be to wash your hands seven times after touching something that could be dirty. Although you may not want to think or do these things, you feel powerless to stop.” (source link).

I definitely can live without washing my hands seven times an hour, an excessive cleaning of the house, repeatedly going up and down the stairs, or rearranging objects to ensure a specific symmetry. If you search for common OCD behaviours you’ll be surprised. But: I do have some impelling push for certain things that comes from within inside, sometime during my regular week. For example when I am looking for a specific tab in my browser (I usually leave 10-15 tabs open for work), I can’t but look at all other tabs and close them or act on them, before I finally get to my tab. Sometimes I feel the urge to clean the room where I am working before I can work; I start with the PC table, and then continue with other surfaces (the kitchen is just behind me, with a long long metal counter that asks me to clean it well); if I don’t stop, I can continue with an OCD propulsion towards cleaning up the whole apartment, getting the vacuum cleaner, the calc remover for the bathroom appliances, the dishwashing soap for the two glasses left in the sink from the morning breakfast, etc. This behaviour has been more evident to me since isolation time due to COvid. Being at home most of the week, I end up being a lot in company of furniture, sinks, WCs and showers, and have started cleaning more than usual.

I remember my sister in law had an OCD that would drive my brother crazy sometimes: after dinner she had to clean the kitchen spotlessly, and she would not relax until she did; this involved mopping the floor with detergent and all. Like deep deep cleaning, not just a wet cloth over the dinner table and off you go.

I am not too interested in why we have these compulsive behaviors, I find them amusing and irritating, I find them as an organic part of who we are as human beings. I haven’t met a person who has no OCD, small or light that it might be. In my case, some of my OCDs are distracting and I want to sever them from my everyday life.

So, part of my conscious “getting better on my own” process involves forcing myself to catch these OCDs and correct them. Not easy, but if you want to try you’ll realise how liberating it is. I give you an example: instead of cleaning all the surfaces of the apartment at once, I force myself to clean only one or maximum two, and stop. I put the cloth back to the closet and resume my work on the laptop. Easy? Hell no. But when I have done it, I feel satisfied, as if I had won a lottery! Another example: I follow my train of thoughts in an extreme way, a little bit like in James Joyce’s “Ulysses“. This is the most distracting of my OCDs, as I start off with one aim, say going to the bedroom to pickup my phone, and on the way I find an empty glass that I feel the need to put in the sink, so I do, and while doing that I am reminded by my car keys on the living room table that I need to change the parking disc in my car before the agents write me a fine; and my next thought goes to the paper I need to pickup at the office with the car, cause I can’t print at home anymore; more thoughts surface and after many minutes I still haven’t fetched the phone in my bedroom. Thoughts and objects distract me and oblige me to act immediately iupon them, for fear of forgetting (my short memory is as bad as Dory in Finding Nemo) :-).

I have found a solution that works for me, which helps me not only remember and not distract when I go from A to B, but also to be more organised: I started writing post-it notes in the places where it makes sense. I need to change the car’s parking disc? I will write a quick note next to the keys (or set the phone alarm 5 minutes before); do I need to respond to a client and at the same time I get another call where I have to urgently finish up an email for a colleague? I take the ten extra seconds required to write down task n. 2 so I can finish task n. 1 without stressing. This is so helpful, and takes a lot of pressure off me. If I find myself too stressed, I take a break, go for a walk, pause for 20 minutes-half hour and resume later. I take more the time to breathe and this makes me enjoy the moment more. It’s such a great excercise. I feel good about it.

More soon. Oh: this is day 3 of reducing the intake of Fluoxetin: 10 mg a day instead of 20mg. So far so good.

Perfectionism: how to’s

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In another post I was talking about one of the reasons I have slowly and constantly come to depression. It’s my sense of perfectionism. There are a lot of words ending in “ism”: we borrowed this suffix from the Greeks and the Latins. If I search for its meaning, I stumble upon the Dictionary, which defines it a suffix used in “the formation of nouns denoting action or practice, state or condition, principles, doctrines, a usage or characteristic, devotion or adherence, etc.“. There’s criticism, egoism, intellectualism, humanitarianism, instrumentalism, photojournalism, fraternalism, etc. In medical terms, it denotes “a medical condition or a disease resulting from or involving some specified thing” (from the medical dictionary). Wow, a disease, even…

Just when I thought that perfectionism was a strength in somebody’s character, I realised it can be either way, and for me it was (it IS) more of a “condition”. I won’t call it weakness, as opposed to strength, because I can see how perfectionism can serve us well in many situations. In my case, over time perfectionism has become a hindrance. Why? Because, unless something was perfectly executed, it wasn’t worth spending time on it. I am talking about everyday habits as well as work practices or sport. I won’t put makeup on unless I have a nice dress, matching shoes, and a good hairdo. I won’t clean the kitchen after cooking unless I clean it to the very last corner; once I start cleaning there’s no stopping me. But because it’s such an endeavor in my mind, it is rare I do cleaning every day after cooking. another example: I will procrastinate writing a report for work, because I can already envision the whole picture as being complex and a lot of work to execute perfectly. So I leave it to another moment. And I postpone by telling myself there are other easier tasks I can do before I get into that bigger task. So I start making calls, updating my calendar, add customers to my CRM, etc…

Oh, yes. Procrastination. It goes hand in hand with perfectionism. A podcaster’s account on her perfectionism felt so familiar when I listened to her 7-minute story. Listen to her: it’s really good. Elly Varrenti. So, immediate gratification is partly the reason of our constant dissatisfaction. If we don’t get it now, we don’t want to do the effort. And, even if you do succeed, you won’t be happy anyway. Failure is considered by me failure, in a negative way; but what if I start looking at my results, albeit not perfect, as positive? Elly says: “There’s good failure and bad failure […] as there’s a difference between passion and ambition, winning and accomplishment. […] The secret to happiness is rising from the ashes of disappointment, humiliation, aching inadequacy, and just getting on with it“. Like Winston Churchill said: “If you are going through hell, keep going“. Thank you Elly for quoting Churchill. He must have been a very interesting and wise man. He is also the author of the line “Never, never, never give up“. And I shan’t!

A bit of diversion that took me to Churchill and to the Australian correspondent to ABC, to remind myself that now I now know one strategically important thing: I am a perfectionist and I can recover from it. I am already working on this, and believe me: it is a super difficult task.

Oh, and we haven’t spoken about OCDs…. oh well, let’s tackle it in another post.

Recipe for Happiness

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Happiness to me is the conditio sine qua non in life. It’s not very clear what happiness is, and how we measure it. I have been trying during my life to understand what makes me happy and what makes me sad, and I have associated often a place to a happy moment, or maybe a happy moment to a place.

I often wondered if my gauge for happiness was the same as in other people, or to all people. The same goes for pain. Let me explain. When I have had moments of full bliss, happiness, plenitude, abundance, or whatever we want to label it, it felt amazing, and nothing more could make me feel better – I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. If I think of such moment in the past, my memory brings me back to when I was in New Zealand with W. (the love of my life, haven’t talked much about him yet); it was July 1 2005, and I labeled that day as the best day of my life. I have had other best days before and after, but this one in particular stands out. We had ventured into a farmland the day before, we had parked our rental Britz van near a sheep farm, had made a lovely breakfast in the morning, with lots of things from a local store called …. Mmm can’t remember (Hackleberry’s maybe?); we did our first sheep shearing of our lives, took some lanolin straight from the sheep’s cut wool, and ventured off into this wild NZ land full of magnificent colours, rivers, etc. When I told W. that it was my best day, we were staring together at the vast spaces of New Zealand and we were closely wrapping in each other’s arms amazed with the beauty of that land. That was a happy moment that I will always remember. A moment that lasted many days actually, and months, and years, as W. and I were traveling around the world.

Now, when I think of the happiness of another person, I wonder if he or she would feel the same level of happiness, and if so, in which conditions. I mean, was my feeling of happiness on July 1st the highest a person can feel? Does a woman somewhere else in this planet, at this moment, feel the same level of happiness doing what she does love most? Could I be more “happy”? If so, how? The point is actually not whether I can be happier, but how I measure my happiness compared to others, and if my state of bliss staring at the sheep farm is the same bliss another person, with another character and history, feels when driving his/her favourite car. Is it the same happiness a grandmother feels when she spends one day with her nephew? Is it the same bliss Elon Musk feels when he sees his first shuttle take off? Or Armstrong and Aldrin when their foot first touched the moon? So, is happiness relative or absolute? Do I need my neighbor’s Ferrari to feel the same amount of happiness he feels when riding it? And is my joy higher than his, when I am hiking a mountain, or I am kitesurfing in a turquoise waters? Do I need to envy other people’s happiness? Cause that’s the feeling I get when I watch TV.

Same for pain : was my surgical pain last year the highest a man or woman can endure ?

I am still looking for a way to gauge happiness levels. Because if it were measurable, we could possibly help each other being happier. No? It’s a difficult task. I am open to suggestions.

Back to happiness, why am I saying this today? Because I am preparing for the month of June, when I am going to reduce the intake of Fluoxetin (Prozac). I have a meeting with my psychiatrist (the jolly Congolese guy) on 4 June and I will ask him if he is ok with me reducing the antidepressant. I want to do it during summertime, when it’s nice out, the days are long and sunny, the air is warm and everything is alive. I don’t want to do it in autumn, which per se is depressant to me. I know, many people love autumn, I don’t like it, despite the beautiful colours (Quebec has some of the best landscapes in the fall, check it out, I have been there, wow). It’s been 6 months since I started taking antidepressants, and I feel good, very good. I think I can start move away from them. I am scared, I admit, because I can’t tell how much my good state of mind is due to medicine at this very moment, and how much is due to my self-training (meditation, routine, enjoying work, doing sport, yoga, buying new plants…).

So I want to pack in as much as info as possible on myself, and in what conditions, when and how much I am happy. During my preparation to less Fluoxetin, I am appreciating some down moments, like the little “fight” I had with my friend M., which brought me back to negative moments. It was good to be reminded what bad moments feel like. I managed to revert those bad feelings into positive, by thinking of something I like, by not letting her bad mood affect me, and by being more “egoistic” towards my own feelings (translation: I value my own state of being more that hers, what’s important right now is that I feel good). I stay away from negativity. It helps.

Routine

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May 15, four nights ago, was my first business night out since the COvid 19 lockdown started. My first day in lockdown was Monday 16 March 2020. Exactly 60 days of isolation.

It feels good to be in a hotel again, having dinner at the restaurant downstairs, taking a shower in a new bathroom, with great showerhead by the way! The bed was super comfy… And yes, there’s a “but”.

During my 8-week lockdown in Switzerland, I have been able to work on myself in ways I haven’t done before. The forced isolation, having no one around to influence me (positively or negatively), being faced to myself and myself only, allowed me to build my day the way I felt was good for me. I adjusted my sleeping patterns, rhythming my day and night according to my own internal body clock; I have developed and enjoyed routines, things I do every day almost exactly the same time in the same way. Want to know?

Between 5 and 6 am I wake up. I go out to the balcony and have a walk around, looking for the position of the big dipper which shows me what time it is; then I go back to bed and I meditate for 30 minutes sitting upright on the mattress (the breathing mantra, remember? I am exploring Bahya Kumbhaka right now). After meditation I prepare breakfast, it takes me about 30 minutes because it is my favorite meal of the day. I enjoy the process, and watching the news to stay up to date on Coronavirus and other world news. Then day starts. Mid way I take 15 minute break and do exercise for the eyes (the laptop screen is killing me!). And I also take time to cook, that is a new routine I have been enjoying. A Whatsapp chat with my parents back in Rome, some yoga at 7pm with my friends in Italy; oh yes, 15 minute planck at 8h10am with M., my best friend, via Zoom :-). That is the COvid routine. I enjoy it so much that I want to keep doing it after lockdown is over.

My neighbor friend who has a baby daughter of 2 years of age, read that a baby needs routine to grow happy and serene. During COvid she has been a much happier baby for instance, since mom and dad were at home, and they have developed a daily routine with her (from eating to walking to doing some chores, etc). I asked my friend to give me some literature about this link between happy child and routine. So I searched “baby routine brings happy adult” and I found a website which has an article that describes how happiness is mostly a habit. “We all know that some of us tend to be more upbeat than others. Part of this is inborn, just the fate of our genes that give us a happier mood. But much of our mood is habit” (see the related article: Teaching Your Child the Art of Happiness). Wow, I had not thought about this. And it’s so true.

Long story short: before I left for Interlaken on Thursday, I had decided I would continue the routine, even outside of my COvid nest, so I brought things with me that would help me with that, including my eye drops, cream for the body, the cerchietto (hairband) which I use when I start working at the laptop (cause my hair gets in my eyes), the omega oils I take at breakfast, the Freitag headset to listen to the youtube mantra, etc. I have to tweak a few things, but we can be flexible, right? For example, at this hotel breakfast is only at 8h30 – due to Coronavirus – My breakfast at home is around 5h30-6h00, so it’s almost 3 hours of difference, but it’s ok, I can do other things in between. Back home now, and I have missed it, I must say. It was great to be out and about, and I am glad it’s over.

I like my routine, I will keep doing it, even after lockdown. It will take more effort, but the good it does to me is unmeasurable and priceless.

Between Mother Theresa and Claire Underwood

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Ego: the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.

https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&q=what+is+the+meaning+of+ego

I find fascinating this process I have put myself in: observing myself every day, for 30 minutes, through sheer breathing patterns. Myself is a broad word, and there’s more to us than just what we see, feel or perceive. It’s all of the above and more. We are probably the most fascinating species on this planet, at least to us, humans. We fascinate ourselves, that’s for sure. And we want to study each other, trying to be as objective as possible. Not easy, because we are at the same time the subject and the object of our study. Take a psychoanalyst for example, he or she must study the mind, the ego, the consciousness of somebody who looks, breathes, acts, reacts almost exactly like him or her. The mind has always fascinated me, like I am sure many of you. even more now, that I find myself having to deal with my thoughts in ways I haven’t done my whole life. And I am doing it because of a very clear goal: fight depression. I don’t like to call it a war against an evil being, because all is in me, and evil and good are both parts of our existence, but at the stage that I have come to be, only 5 months ago, I assure you it became a war, a war of survival, defeating this invisible virus (and I am not talking about COvid 19), this insidious pod that grows in you without you noticing until it’s late. But not too late.

Why the title to my today’s post? As I am learning about myself, my ego and my hard to detect feelings, as I try to listen to my guts (Agata is her name :-), thank you Casa de Papel) and observe as the thoughts come through my mind, making sure I don’t hang on to them but let go as they come, like when watching a movie, frame by frame, observing and letting go, well, when I do all of that, I focus during the day of not letting external events affect myself, including my ego. Ego is a big thing, and can make us miserable as well as invincible. In me there’s Mother Theresa, the sweet selfless person who dedicates her life to others, who tries to understand everyone and justifies everything by putting herself aside, and then there’s Claire Underwood (have you ever watched House of Cards?), the lady at the opposite end of the scale of good and evil, the one who will do anything to survive and prevail over others, whose moral values are as relevant as the brightest star at daylight. My personal pendulum leans naturally towards Mother Theresa, but let me tell you that my attempt to understand others and put myself behind others’ needs, just because I could do it, has not paid benefits over the years. And I am now trying to objectively observe and modify my own behaviour towards being more Claire than Theresa. Don’t worry, I won’t kill anyone :-), but I will make my own needs more a priority, I will not justify every time why I do this or I say that. I will think more of me.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a completely selfless person, I am a human being with all the characteristics of a human, I have my temper, I have my faults, and I am wrong many times, but time has come that I give the right weight to my own traits, my thinking, my opinion, my gut feelings, my instincts. Basta with listening to others because it’s easier, because I am able to listen and to let the other vent out…what about my venting out? what about my personal well being?

About the ego: I often mention it as a negative thing, like when the ego makes us more arrogant, or vulnerable, or aggressive. I want to learn more about my ego. I think ego is a way for me to find a balance between what I tell myself and what I don’t but, yet, I do think subconsciously. I’ll explore my dreams some more.

All this post has arisen because a dear friend made me angry on Sunday (two days ago). I felt that she didn’t think of my own needs and reasons. She was angry because I decided to do sports with someone else, and didn’t invite her. What about all the other gestures I showed her on that same day, Sunday? thinking about a way to get to see her right after sport, knowing she is very busy these days and doesn’t allow time for sport? What about my own feelings being hurt, and my own ego feeling sore? I stopped talking to her. I know, I am in my forties not twenties, oh well …. This friendship is dear to me and it is the first time in 2-3 months that I have felt down, angry and upset, the blissful state I have been in, joyful, happy, serene, motivated, etc, has gone on Sunday and I felt vulnerable again. Because of her. So I decided to stand my ground, and I won’t let go until she apologises. Is it right? not sure. What does the ego say? I can’t hear it right now.

More soon.

Take action before it’s late

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Dr. G., my psychologist, said one thing that struck me, and that I will forever remember. He said it in such a natural and unassuming way that it resonated clearly in me. He said “you have a certain fascination for dissatisfaction”. And I realised, it’s true. Why? Because when I was at the beginning of the practice, I used to tell him my story, stories, thoughts, fears, anxieties, long story short, I was a mess and he was my punching ball. The thoughts I was sharing with him were initially, say, 99% negative, sad, hopeless; as the medicine was starting to have effect, I started to relax more, the problems in my mind were taking more distance from me, and I tried to see more positive; he was telling me that I had to shift the way I see my reality, and make it work for me. Not easy, as I initially interpreted this recommendation as a way to say “be contented with what you got, that’s all there is, resign yourself to the reality”. Which, in other terms, meant for me “you are a failure, pal, you have messed up, lost the love of your life, never got to finish one thing, are back in a country where you feel trapped, just accept it and find happiness in what you can get”. That’s what I was thinking, and that feeling of dissatisfaction and forced resignation fueled my depressive state. I had such a clog in my stomach every time I was thinking what I was missing in the world, while others were living the life of their dreams, why not me, and yet I am a smart person. Etcetera, etcetera.

Oh, if I recall these thoughts my mood becomes more grey. So I won’t linger too much today, and I will say why I am mentioning this now, months after it happened. First because I want to remember how bad depression felt, and remember to always compare those moments with my moments today; that sadness with today’s serenity, and I’d dare to say, even happiness. I am happy with myself right now. It has only taken me a few months to feel this way. And that’s the other reason why I am mentioning my sad memories. It took me 4 months more or less to feel good again, like I have not felt in years. This is, and I am sure of it, thanks to the medical help I received. I was too low to get back up on my own. BUT! It doesn’t have to be this way. and I am here to warn whoever is reading these notes, whether it is today, 9 May 2020, or in 5 years, or in 20 years. If I had listened to the signs sooner, I would have been able to heal on my own. There is no need for medical chemicals, and I am pretty sure of it. My mother had warned me several times prior to my deepest depression in November. She told me years before, that I should go see someone. Initially she meant a psychologist, and when things got really bad, she advised I go to a psychiatrist. She meant good for me, but I always thought that the mind is something we can control, unlike a broken arm, a heart attack or a kidney infection. We go to the doctor whenever one of our organs hurts; we visit clinics and hospitals way too much even, but whenever the head is concerned, it becomes a taboo, at least in my culture and family environment. So I always felt that going to see a “shrink” meant a defeat, cause I wasn’t able to take care of my own thoughts. Today, 5 months after my biggest (and last!) depression phase, I am glad I listened to my mother – and I know she is glad too.

Each of us goes through his or her own life the way we deem right. We all want to be happy, right? We all want to feel those great sensations that we associate to words such as satisfaction, victory, love, happiness, serenity; I don’t feel good when I hurt somebody, or am hurt, or when I see people murdered on TV, or when a client doesn’t close my deal. There’s some strong feelings in our stomach, in our guts (and I know that Agata has a brain – who the heck is Agata ?). Well, I haven’t listened enough, and am only starting now, because I am in survival mode and will do anything to beat the beast, which is my depression. But it doesn’t have to wait until this late, so if you are reading this and feel depressed, but think you can make it on your own, start taking measures. I took up meditation . It’s soooo good. Can’t believe I didn’t do it until my forties. For you it might be something else. Take action before it’s late. Trust yourself.

Speak soon.

Perfection and Depression

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While meditating yesterday morning, the strive for perfection came to mind. In November 2019, at the peak of my existential crisis, I went to see a behavioural psychologist, recommended by a friend who had seen a friend being consulted successfully by this woman. And during one of the 4 sessions I did, she told me about perfectionism. I had never thought of it as of a “condition”. I just googled it and the first site that comes up is Good Therapy (never heard of that before), where perfectionism is considered a positive trait in one’s personality, but it can cause destructiveness because we never think we are doing well enough. Wikipedia writes: “Perfectionism, in psychology, is a personality trait characterized by a person’s striving for flawlessness and setting high performance standards, accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations. […] In its maladaptive form, perfectionism drives people to attempt to achieve unattainable ideals or unrealistic goals, often leading to depression and low self-esteem.” Then the Google search was suggesting searching for the word “procrastination”, that other people have also searched when looking up “perfectionism”.

Wow, I never thought of looking online for a definition of perfectionism. All of the above is spot on me. And so I was thinking, while meditating, that striving for perfection has been a constant motive for my growing depression over the years. Too bad I didn’t consult a specialist back 10 years ago, or 15. I could have maybe spared myself lots of grieving in the past 4 years. Or was the grieving a necessary step? This I will never know. It all happened and I am dealing with it now. No chance to go back in the past, that is for sure, it’s the only certainty we have, beside for the certainty that one day we will die. So between the day we are born and the day we die, a lot of things happen, and we deal with them, one way or another. Life is beautiful, exciting, dramatic, sentimental, rational, evil, compassionate, selfish and selfless. All is in me, and I feel it now, as I am trying hard to not put labels of morality judgment to what I have experienced.

Back to perfectionism, it is one of the elements of my life that I am now observing from distance, using exactly the same method I use while meditating: breathe in, breathe out, observe the thought coming through, don’t clench to it, let it go again, and keep breathing. It is such a rejuvenating experience, this meditation. Had you asked me to meditate in November (which I tried by the way), I would have said ” no chance”. I was simply too distressed, too anxious, too sad, too depressed and desperate to even remotely accept to sit for 30 minutes, or even 5 minutes, doing nothing else but breathe. When I tried in November and December several times, my thoughts were so pèowerful over me that I was overwhelmed by them and the only way to not feel worse than I already felt, was to stop meditating. Meditating meant being too much with myself, and I hated to be with myself.

M., the behavioural psychologist, noticed that I was too deep down in my chasm to help me get up by working purely on a shift in my behaviour. I was simply not ready. She recommended I go to a Psychiatrist and get medical help. My mother is the one who insisted, when she came to visit me in November. I was crying every day, despite her company and love, nothing was useful to make me feel better. I was so miserable, so miserable I can’t even think about it without feeling sad again. So, please forgive me if I won’t recollect those thoughts yet. I feel much better now, really good actually, and want to enjoy this process. I will gather my courage and when I am ready to speak about the darkest moments of my life, you will be the first to know.

Stay safe, take care.

Note to self: I need to speak about Procrastination.