At the Istanbul airport

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I went to Egypt in November 2020, and I started writing my next page of this diary, and I never published it. I was really not in good spirits. Tonight, after work, sitting at my kitchen table in Lausanne, after washing the dishes and feeling ok to write again, here I am, copying and pasting what I had scribbled in a Word Document at the Istanbul airport.

I am in istanbul, waiting for my connection flight to Hurghada. It’s full-on Covid restrictions, but Egypt is one of the few places where I can go and do the test at arrival. I had taken a week off, and didn’t want to renounce it, although I could have postponed it to a better time, like early december, when there’s more snow in Switzerland, or Christmas, to do something with my parents. But I needed to get out of the routine that is killing me, in a city I am not enjoying and in a job that is presently giving me zero joy, only frustrations.

I wonder how long this phase will last. Last November I remember being very sad and depressed, I felt life had no meaning, I hated my job (the same) hated the mistake of quitting W. 4 years ago, and was working like an automa.

So now I am one year later, work had started to feel good, the antidepressant was working well (20 mg), and life had started having a meaning again.

What has happened since then? Ok, besides Covid, that makes everyone’s life more challenging. But what can I do to surpass this feeling that everything I do has no meaning, that other people’s lives are better, that I have no joy in my life? What can I do to motivate myself to get out of bed?

You won’t believe, but I was such a jolly happy person when I was younger. What happened to that person?

It took me a few hours this morning to take a decision about this week’s holiday. No way I would stay in Switzerland on my own, with nothing new happening around me, November gloomy cold weather but not snowy enough to ski. And even skiing is an issue. I have to do everything by myself, no one else I can count on. I miss living in a relationship, where you can lean against your loved one when you feel down.

So, I was in bed, turning over once, twice, three times, the typical sensation of not wanting to move from bed, the sleepy feeling that feels good when you are depressed; when you are still tired from the night, but almost awake that you know you must get going. Although I am on holiday, I started having thoughts of what I was going to do with my week. Crazy that a holiday has become an issue for me. Where to go and with whom? Anyway, I told myself that if the feeling of booking a flight to Hurghada was going to stay strong after I got up, I would buy it and go. And that’s what I did.

I felt some excitement because it’s something new, a bit prohibited (everyone recommends to stay put, and it’s right), it’s a novelty (never been to Hurghada).

The excitement is very minimal though. I don’t know what I need to do to feel alive again. It was going so well, up until this summer. Ok, covid is tough, November is the worst month of the year for me, I have no boyfriend, but come on, I am privileged, I have a well paid job, I have a lovely apartment, I am healthy, so now what? Come on L., bring your shit together.

Back to drugs

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Third day of Fluoxetin, 10mg. Dr N. said ok. I am surprised he gave me the answer via phone, through his assistant. Usually he requests an appointment (300 chf please).

I decided not to be stubborn this time, and to take the medicine immediately, as I am starting feeling that depressive emotion again. I am familiar with the symptoms: when I start thinking of going away from Switzerland, when I want to go to Canada and find W. and when I want to change job, that’s the alarm bell for me. Last year this time I was in a terrible mood, this winter I want to be better, be good, be great. Despite the fall, despite the challenges at work, despite not having W. in my life.

I feel disappointed that I am back to square one, but I have decided not to feel sorry or ashamed for taking Fluoxetin again. Like my friend says: “be happy that you have found something that works for you”; she is right; this medicament is helping me, and I will take it. Possibly for a short while, during winter maybe, until the sun shines again and Corona ends.

After 4.5 years I am still thinking about W.. Will it ever end? I tell myself that I will forget him when I find a new love. Good luck here in Switzerland, where it’s so hard to make friends, let alone find love. I don’t go out enough (and now with covid even less), I should get into more social circles. I need to find a way to meet people from the IMD, or similar international schools; people who come here to do masters degrees, people my age, that come from all over the world, one I can fall in love with.

But W. is my special love, the one with the big L, the one I would like to grow old with… well if he ever decides to speak to me again. For now I have no chance. I emailed him.. nothing; I sent him a message on FB, he blocked me; I reached out on LinkedIn, he makes himself invisible to me; I even delivered a letter to him via an acquaintance of mine who so kindly went to Banff to give it to him in person, and he received it, saying he was going to read it. But I never heard from him. This was last year. Now what should I do? I tried forgetting him and get over him. it’s been almost 5 years. No chance. He was my steady star, we completed each other, now I feel empty.

But: when I was with him I had already signs of depressions. I was crying a lot, I was dissatisfied about my own professional battles, things were hard also when he was around, loving me and caring about me. So I wonder: even if I saw him tomorrow, would his love make me happy? Would I make him happy? Or do I still need to search inside me a while longer to find happiness? That’s what I am thinking right now. I need to get back to my feet for good, before I can find someone (or him) again. I can’t rely on someone else to be happy.

If I were with someone, I would feel less lonely.

Does depression get under your skin?

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There we go. Not even two months since I stopped taking the antidepressants and I am finding myself crying on the couch since yesterday. Is this thing ever going to go away? I meditate and all, but it’s come back. And the looming lockdown ain’t gonna help. Che palle. Shit! Merde!!

If you ask me, it seems as though this disease, that we should be able to control in our mind, is very strong, and is looking for a host, like a virus; it requires I don’t know what, to eradicate it. You know that virus that you get when you have herpes (like on the side of your lips): that virus stays in your body forever, silent mostly, and then it comes up when your immune system is low and stress goes high. I feel depression is the same. I hope not, but damn, I thought I had progressed in the past year, and here it comes again. Do I have to live with it all my life? Why has it entered in the first place?

I have so much to do for work, and I cannot concentrate. I have an important call with an international client, and I am afraid of the results. It could turn into a tough conversation, and I don’t want to deal with it, it scares me. No it doesn’t scare me, it stresses me. I am worried that I may make mistakes, I am worried of what the CEO thinks of me. I feel as though I had had a burnout and I have a hard time getting back on my feet.

Burnout: we never even knew this word 10 years ago. And now all I hear around me is burning out, risk of burnout, stress at work, stress in life, tension, expectations, challenges, etc. I had a simpler life before, I had my man beside me, I was younger, life was easier. And now I feel stuck again. While a few months ago life was good again. I had closed an important deal, I had found new friends, I have spent two beautiful weeks at the sea, I have bought a SUP for the lake and a wetsuit for swimming in winter. And now I am back to square one? No way.

I feel like a child who cries when he cannot have what he wants. Work is difficult right now? I cry. I miss W. so much? I cry. My sister in law doesnt want to talk to me? I cry. Now, is this me being spoilt and unable to cope, or is it a disease where I see all black? Cause I wasn’t like that in the past. Or maybe I was and I just had to wait and see? No, I remember when life was easy, during my studies, in Rome, living with my parents and traveling to study languages. Now, 20 odd years later, I feel my life is an echec. But in truth it’s not, I just perceive it as such. If only I could find a balance in me. Happiness is inside, not outside. I shouldn’t care if a client isn’t happy with me. who cares. but I am, to a point that I stress and depress.

I have written to Dr. N. and asked if I can resume Fluoxetin. 10mg. Let’s see what he says.

Relapse or induced thoughts?

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Since I went completely off antidepressants I have had one day of crying in September, depression style, and another sad morning, maybe end October. Yesterday, beginning of November, I had a small fight with my brother over something that is a family burden (my sister in law) and I cried a little bit, from anger really. This morning my mom sent me an audio message on Whatsapp and she said that I should contact my doctor, the Congolese psychiatrist, as soon as I start feeling signs of depression. I had a hard time waking up, I wanted to stay in bed, and now that I am alone at home, working from home, with a second wave of lockdown looming, I have tears in my eyes and start having those thoughts again, one building on top of the other, negative after negative. Is it me, or is depression really a real thing and is coming back?

I thought I was over it, very happy to have spent the last months in peace, with my heart lighter, the worries far away from my sensitive skin layer, and now that I am off Fluoxetin, exactly 2 months, things are starting again? I recall very well how I felt exactly one year ago. It was horrible. So horrible that I didn’t find any joy in anything I was doing. Winter is coming and I hate autumn, November is the worst month of the year for me, I hate the cloudy and rainy Swiss days, I grew up in Rome, where it’s sunny most of the year. Now, winter wouldn’t be a problem if I was feeling balanced inside. Thoughts of my past life with W. are re-emerging faster, a bit every day, whereas I had left that behind me for a while. I fall asleep thinking how stupid I was to leave the love of my life. Really? Am I again at that stage? What positive thoughts can I dig out, so that I can be happy, and keep steady, like my good friend says?

Keep steady, that is a good advice from A., he knows very well what depression is. having been on antidepressants for 30 years. Now he is off, cause they weren’t doing much. He feels exactly the same with or without. He feels better when he can move, go on his bike, see his sister, etc. A. tells me to remain steady in face of the adversities in life. It’s all how we perceive them after all. Now, will this be enough for me at this stage of my life? Now that I know how it feels with antidepressants, I am worried that my judgement will lean too easily towards Fluoxetine. It’s just easier.

Anway, I am not sure of whether I should give in, and call the damn doctor, or if I should give it some more time and work on my own exercises, like meditation every morning, maybe pump it to twice a day, then regular physical exercise, cardio possibly, then work on a hobby, resurface that damn podcast idea that is still there, waiting for me to make a move. Oh, there’s also a pilot licence I could be doing, paid by my company, which would be cool, but it worries me a bit, cause I risk to add more stress to my life. Already at work I feel stressed for having too much on my plate.

Bref, I don’t know.

A knot in my necklace

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There is a knot in my necklace. I have a very thin necklace, one I know I can use all the time and doesn’t bother me. My mother gave it to me, with my initial letter “L” hanging from it. A while ago, many years ago, I don’t know how, the silver links got tangled, and made a knot. I have had this knot for as long as I can remember wearing the necklace. I tried many times to untie it, even with a small needle holding one end of the necklace and pulling the other end with my finger nails. Nothing. No way.

I feel the same about W., the knot in my life. Not the reason of my depression, but a big thorn in my heart, that is still not healing, 4 years after I ended the relationship. Yes, I did end it, it’s a major regret I have. I should have played my cards better, I should have been way more diplomatic, smarter, more far-sighted. I needed time for myself, I should have asked for a short break. I hurt him a lot, and I believe he shut me off from his life for good so he didn’t have to suffer. He found a new woman almost right away (4, 5 months after?), and he may still be with her. Me: I left him after 14 years of being together, I was lost, I needed stability; we had decided to move back to Switzerland together, but I spent the first 3 months alone without him, without knowing anybody, in complete depressive mode, lost, hating my new job, hating Switzerland, hating life. That was the beginning of a long whirlwind down. Then, one month in, I met someone whose attention lifted me up, made me feel good from the sad state I was in, and I mistook that feeling for love. W. was still away, taking care of business in S.A.. Long story short, the guy fell in love and told me I should choose either him or W., and by the time W. came to Switzerland (3 months after me moving there), I was in “butterfly in the stomach” mode, and chose the wrong guy.

The two months bliss I felt with someone else, fresh emotions, new feelings, great sex, cost me 4 years of suffering; that time and the pleasure I felt made me lose perspective on my real love, the one who had shared his life with me for the past 14 years, who was coming live with me in Switzerland after we decided we could no longer live in S.A.. 14 years of traveling together, living in 8 different countries, adventuring, choosing where we would go next, changing life every 2-3 years at most…. the person with whom I had an effortless relationship, the man of my life, the person with whom I created my own dictionary made of acronyms, that only we could understand; the perfect match. Yes, I threw that away. And it was so easy. One email. A long long one. I didn’t even tell him in his face. I did the whole jackpot of mess. And I have been blaming myself for it ever since. 13 August 2016. worst day. in hindsight.

The knot in the necklace reminds me that in my heart it is not over. I have gone through a major depression, I overcame it all by myself, W. was not there to support me, I probably made both of us a great favour, I think he would have fallen out of love for me anyway, seeing me this low. I had to be alone, I have to be alone now, I feel I am gaining strength again but I am not there yet. Leaving the antidepressants makes it harder, but I am still feeling good most of the time. I don’t know how I would have handled depression with W. on my side. Although it was super hard to go through this alone, I think that I needed to be alone, and start loving me again first, and not be influenced by anybody in my own decisions; leaving him was wrong and right at the same time.

And yes, I am going through all this, I am getting stronger, I am feeling ok not having anybody in my life, but…. deep down I know that I plan to see W. again, discuss in person, get our angers off of our chests, our sadnesses, and one day be together again. This could be in 6 years time, in 10, or when we are retired, so we can start traveling again without the worry of earning money. I know this is tying me with W. still, and is not letting me go. I haven’t had one sign of life from him, his best friends have shut me off too, to protect him, and I feel abandoned. I don’t know if I will ever feel complete again, and if I ever get to forget about him. Move on. So for know I keep the knot. It’s a hard one.

I will concentrate on my physical and mental health, on my job and I will look forward to travels again, when Covid allows us. Then we’ll see.

La ricaduta

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ça y est – as they say in French. Monday 12 October 2020, after 9 months of finally feeling normal and serene, I had a relapse. I woke up in the morning and an overwhelming, irresistible, unavoidable feeling of depression pervaded my whole mind and body. I was petrified, scared and thought “oh no please, not this”. It isn’t over, and if I don’t take precautions, depression will resume. Why? Boh, I can’t quite capture why last Monday I started crying as if there is no tomorrow. I recognised that invasive feeling that pulls the plug off any motivation that you have in your body; I don’t know, although I can reflect on it, why I felt helpless on that Monday morning, and not the evening before.

Let’s see. The day before I was talking to my friend A., and he was giving me advice on how to negotiate my salary with my CEO; this is something that is tormenting me, as I don’t like to negotiate my salary and conditions, but at the same time I know I am being underpaid for what I bring to the company; so, there’s that point. Another thing that was going on in the last days was the amount of work adding up to my desk, important deals to make, the pressure of sales, and two big customers who are complaining about contracts and price lists; I felt all this weighing on my shoulders; another element is weather: going towards winter, the cold has already started, the days are getting shorter and I simply hate autumn, as it is the prelude to the darkest and coldest time of the year in Europe, it is rainy, it is basically the perfect prelude to depression. And I knew that: winter is no good time to stop antidepressants; that’s why I had decided to reduce Fluoxetin in June, and then cut off in August, which is still in summer. But I didn’t consider that it takes time for the body to adjust to the new life without drugs. Anyway, I did the best I could, all things considered.

One thing I noticed when I was taking the drug, is a sort of layer of pleasant detachment from peak emotions that Fluoxetin gave me; I felt as though the problems were far away, not touching me as they usually would; so I felt more in peace, more detached and neutral to the events in life; I guess that now that I am “me” without drugs, this layer is slowly fading and I am exposed to the real feel of those emotions, especially the ones that are negative, like stress, fear of rejection, jealousy, anxiety. I want to stay strong, and am taking action: I resumed meditation, I try to do half hour in the evening, and half hour in the morning; then I took up sport again, which is great, as it gives me physical strength and keeps my mind focused. Then I try to have more social life, which in Switzerland is not given… and then I strive to do one thing at a time, which for me is difficult, but I make an effort, so I don’t feel overwhelmed and I don’t panic.

That’s what it is! I panicked, too many negative thoughts were coming to me in the last days leading to Monday, and I lost it. One thought at a time is the deal. I’ll make the best out of this circumstance.

But man, was that scary. It was a clear reminder that depression is not to be underestimated; it isn’t over until it’s over, and I am no longer lowering the guard.

I miss W. tremendously.

More soon.

one month mark off antidepressant

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3 September 2020 was my last day of Fluoxetin. I started in December last year. 20mg in December, January, February, March, April, May, then 10mg in June, July August. I did 9 months of antidepressants, and I am now off. How am I doing? Well.

I must say I was more regular in my routines back during the Covid lockdown, from March until July. Then came the holidays, and I went to Italy for two weeks. Super relax, camped at the seaside where I grew up, so I didn’t feel the need to meditate in the morning. The whole day felt like a huge meditation, it was great, no work, no pressure, no stress. All I did was eat, sleep, be in company of my parents and swim. But I have been slacking, and two things have gone missing in my life since I have started this depression fight process: meditation and sport. This week I am in Ticino for work, and so I have resumed meditation in the morning, but also stress is back, due to those tight deadlines at work, to not feeling appreciated when the CEO writes careless emails hurting people’s motivation, to traveling again, to being in traffic (Ticino is absurd by the way), and from not releasing stress through a good cardio workout. But, all that said, I feel good in the core. One month and counting, I feel good and strong inside.

Anger is still accompanying me a lot, like I described in a past post, but I prefer to be angry than to be depressed. I get a life kick out of anger, whereas I get no stimulus whatsoever from depression. At least when I am angry I review over and over again in my head the way I will make this or that person pay for what he/she did to me or one of my family members. When I was depressed, not even one year ago, I could not move from my bed, I had to hire a cleaning lady to fold my clothes, which I was leaving chaotically all over the apartment; I did not see any reason why I should move one single muscle. Anger is different: I am not often angry, but since taking antidepressants I feel that with my self confidence has come my anger for certain unsolved things in my life.

My sister in law for example, L., I am very angry at her. My CEO, sometimes I am really angry at him: he pays me less than my colleagues, while I bring the best deals to the company. Typical Swiss white male mentality; a woman is not paid equally, parity of jobs and disparity of treatment; I was hoping he would propose me a raise, after two years of being there and closing mega deals, but he hasn’t. So I am reviewing over and over again in my head (and I write down in notes) the speech I am going to make him, the negotiation process I envision, and I am exercising my orator skills in order to get from him what I want, without him getting angry at what I am asking. The 101 principle of negotiation, at which I am getting better, but still not 100% perfect.

Also, I am still doing mental exercising to channel my OCDs, the little things that drive me insane, from small habits to bigger issues. I catch myself reenacting the same process, and I stop it there. I want to do a lot of things to improve myself, not for the others but for me. I am learning to say “no” to people, when I feel that a “yes” will hurt me one way or another, eventually. I am giving myself more credit that I have been in the past, I am not lowering my self esteem to the privilege of weak people around me; it’s their problem if they are weak, not mine.

Anyway, lots of different messages in this post, but I thought to write something, as it has been already one month since I last wrote, and that’s not good.

Gotta go buy warm clothes. Winter has come so rapidly.

I miss W..

Familiarity

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It’s been way too long since my last post. A lot has happened. First I went on holiday. It was really good. I have thrown away cell phone, laptop, and all I did was eat, sleep and swim in the sea. Second I finished my antidepressant. Yeah! 4 September 2020 is the first day off Fluoxetin. In June I had gotten prescribed half dosage for 3 months, meaning 10mg instead of 20mg, and then basta, give it up and see how it goes. My spirits are high, I am rejuvenated from the holidays and I like my job. It’s a good start to test my time off medicaments.

What I would really like to highlight here, is that I think familiarity was really key to this whole process. Alain de Botton says this about love. Have you heard any of his conferences? You can check Ted Talk. Great guy, a philosopher with lots of knowledge and a great look at modernity through the eyes of the Greek philosophers. He basically says that when we fall in love it is usually with people that don’t make us feel necessarily good, but familiar, as we unconsciously seek for the feelings we are familiar with. “We chase after more exciting others, not in the belief that life with them will be more harmonious, but out of an unconscious sense that it will be reassuringly familiar in its patterns of frustration.” (quote from one of his books, see it here). Sounds like a side track to my story, but it all makes sense to me! I had a great time at the beach in Italy, 2 weeks of bliss, without doing anything special, but I was at the campground where I have spent most of my summers since my first year of age. And that’s the recipe: I needed familiarity, I needed to go back to what I know and am accustomed to, the love of my parents, a routine, etc. Four years ago, when my life changed for what I thought was the worst, this is what I was seeking all along, without exactly knowing. When I left W., the love of my life, I was going in this direction, but I couldn’t see it then. I went through hell, to get where I am now; I had to leave him in order to find me. I had lost me on the way, I wasn’t feeling the earth under my feet. I had to go back to what was familiar; stay in one place, refind balance, finding a routine… all things I have despised for the last 20 years.

And here I am now, four years after moving back to Switzerland, leaving W., changing jobs, coming closer to my hometown (1’000 km instead of 9’000 km), having a stable job, paying retirement insurance, saving money to buy a house, visiting friends a few km from my place in Geneva, etc. I didn’t have to give up W., but that’s what it took in my case; I miss him dearly every damn day of the year, since 4 years; he doesn’t want to talk to me, 14 years together, and I threw that away; and he didn’t pick it up for us. He let us go as much as I did. But that’s another story. For another post.

I am happy and serene. Gained 4 kilo, but am sort of pleased by the extra “ciccia” :-). I want to get back in shape, it will come. For now I look at my belly and I smile. Abundance is welcome, also in the flesh. Anything, but not depression. Ok, no cancer either, thank you.

Anger

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This week has been hard at work, plus it’s been two months since reducing Fluoxetin to 10mg a day, plus we had full moon on Monday and I started my period, with the mood swings that evince. Whichever element has had an impact on my mood this week, I don’t know. All I know is that this week I have been very, very angry. I am angry for the injustice that I am experiencing at work, and this anger makes me fuel more anger towards all the injustices I received during my life, big disappointments such as my sister in law. As if work and family weren’t enough, I think of other reasons why to be angry, and I am really angry. It’s as if I were searching for reasons to be angry. In my mind I go over ways to revenge each and every injustice, I make a film in my head where I have a conversation with my colleague, or with my sister in law L., and I go over and over and over through it in my head until I am satisfied of the outcome. Although the outcome is never satisfying, cause it’s just a preparation of what I want to tell these people in person. Then I could be really satisfied. Explode in front of them, tell them what I think of their miserable life, where they are so weak they have to find in someone else the reason of their deep rooted dissatisfaction. L. was left by my brother because of another woman (and many other reasons), and now she stopped talking to me and my parents, while she still speaks to her husband. Why are we to blame?

Yesterday I was so angry that I cried during the entire meditation session. I tried to stick to the breathing mantra, but yesterday my thoughts were overwhelming. This morning I didn’t even try to meditate; I woke up angry making films in my head again. Darn. What is it? Why am I so angry? Is it the effect of Fluoxetin? Is it the menstrual mood swings? Is it the real injustice I face at work, where this woman is jealous of me and my achievements? Is it what Dr. G., my psychologist says, that I have a fascination for dissatisfaction? Is it maybe also the frustration during my whole life of wanting to be good to people and doing efforts and sacrifices towards them that are misunderstood and not gratified as I deserve?

I don’t know. I just know that I want to write it down, so I can read this when I am less angry and make a “cold blood” analysis (a sangue freddo) of all of this.

I realise I care too much about what people think of me, I want everyone to love me, like I love everyone. I see life in pink, others don’t, but how can I act so that instead of them dragging me down to their dark world, I lift them up to my rose world? That again goes back to how we see the glass, it’s either half full or half empty. And why should they succeed in making me see the glass empty instead of full? How can I make them see the full side?

So my anger, I think, comes from the many years’ frustration of subsiding to others’ bad tempers and moods, just because I am able to adapt myself to others, I am flexible, understanding and ….. well THE HELL with all that! Today I am me, I regain my own dignity and right to be me, and others have to model their own behaviour to fit mine, and not the other way round, FOR ONCE. The hell with L., who has been jealous for years of my great relationship to my brother, and now that they are separated, she blames me and my family for being the source of her bad luck, well, I have a lot to say about that and about her. To hell with Trump, to hell with my colleague who feels threatened because I work well, to hell with everybody who is not strong enough to face me. I will no longer lower my intelligence for the sake of others. This has hurt me over the years, and I think more and more that this has been one major element leading to my depression.

Like Claire Underwood said at the end of season five: My turn now.

The North Wind

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A month and a half ago I halved the intake of Fluoxetin, otherwise known as Prozac. From 20mg to 10mg every morning. So far so good. A couple of changes occurred, but I cannot tell if its psychological suggestion or chemical adjustment in my body. I want to understand this better, and discern between self induced effects, placebo effects and real medical effects. No matter what happens in my body, I am still happy and satisfied about what I am doing. Work is going well, very well indeed, I have closed a major deal for the company, and in a new field, aviation, which I like much more than automotive. I am very proud of how I handled this deal and the negotiations since January. It all went pretty smoothly and quickly. 6 months of talks for a very good outcome. I gave myself a good pack on my back. And so did my CEO and the whole company. We popped two bottles of good champagne at work, and F. made a speech announcing I had made the biggest deal in the company’s history. What a good satisfaction. And if I think that only 7 months ago I wanted to quit.

One thing I am learning about this anti-depression process: to cultivate patience, and to fight my perfectionism. More things I am learning, which I will write as I go.

Patience is a big deal for me. And acceptance of a certain routine. I realised that over the last 14 of my relationship with W., and even before, basically since I left Italy to go and live in Germany in 1998, I have not been in one place or one job for more than 2-3 years. Events in life, jobs made redundant, W. entering my life (he is still the love of my life, although we are no longer together), new passions being born, the quest for film making, the eagerness of seeing the world, the choice we had to change our lives when we saw fit and how we pleased, made me wonder around the globe, traveling across oceans to beautiful places, living in the turquoise beaches of the Caribbean, moving to South Africa to pursue a film career, going to Canada to work at the Olympics, going back to Italy for a short while (3 years) setting up a company I didnt want to create, getting angry at life in Rome, leaving again, etc etc. I realised I have not been in one place for more than 2-3 years in the last 20 years. Whereas my childhood and my youth have been very regular, filled with routine. And my youth was very happy. I realise now that Alain de Botton is right when he says that in love we seek to reproduce the familiarity of what we are used to in our childhood. I recommend one of his speeches at Zeitgeist. Where I am getting at is that, also in life, not only in love, we seek balance based on what is familiar to us since the beginning. Now, I still need to understand why I was so attracted to a life without rules, and I still am, but why this has over 20 years damaged my self esteem, my happiness, and my relationship to the greatest man for me. Everytime I didn’t like what I was doing, I (I should say, we) would pack up and leave. I am like Juliette Binoche in Chocolat: I leave from village to village at the blow of the north wind.

Once I returned to Switzerland, helas without W., it was 20 years after I left my home in Rome, the home of routine, familiar habits, and the love of my family. I wondered in this world for 20 years, 14 of which with the love of my life, and now that I am back in CH, my life has been shaken from the core. I had to stop, in a very harsh and hard way, and depression has been the climax of this journey. There’s more to say, but I need to get up and go to my next meeting. Life is full of surprises, definitely worth living every bit of it, even the suffering parts. I am growing through this process. I am learning to be patient. I will find my answer, but not yet today.