Noise Off Distractions

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Last night I had dinner with my boss. I invited him over. It was a good exercise to discuss with him. this morning I figured out why. Waking up, while my thoughts are at best, free from distraction, and free to roam in my brain without noise, I realised : “noise”! That’s what it is. This is what I need to work on. I can best compute, reason, tink, work, judge, when I am free of noises. I am sharp when I don’t have distractions.

What I realise this mornign is that people are my main distraction. And by distraction I don’t mean something negative, I mean a distraction from my ultimate goal in life: be in peace with myself.

While waking up, the thought of distraction brought me immediately back to Will. The love of my life. Why did I leave him, why did I suffer so much for leaving him, and why this and why that. I think I know now: it is because he was a necessary casualty to free my self from distractions that don’t make me see me.

Distraction: something that prevents someone from giving their attention to something else:

Cambridge Dictionary

That’s exactly it. When I am with people, I am prevented from giving my attention to someone else: me. When I am with someone, I tend to reduce me in order to let the other express, shine, decide, say, feel respected. By doing so I let my own self pass on second rang. For the sake of others. I wrote a page of my diary about this, I need to find it again. ’cause its true. this has been one of my main difficulties in life: how to joggle between me and others, how to act and preserve my self against other selves. I see this in my present job, which I like very much, but it gives me pain as well, cause I don’t feel myself enough heard, appreciated and followed, as I should. And when I am with my chef, my superior, I lose my self, and he becomes a distraction, that doesn’t make me see me and my reasoning. How to pierce my own view into them. me against them, woman against a world of men. That too I am sure plays quite a role.

The medicine is giving me more strength and helps me detach from the situation. But I am still vulnerable, and I am still months away from being confident that I will make it without the drugs. I had a dream last night, that I was depressed and felt like doing nothing. The worst nightmare, it reminded me what it feels like to have no motivation.

But waking up, the motivation is there, and I thank God. Nature maybe :-).

Training the mind

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I am consciously training my mind to behave in ways that are different from …

My goodness, I realised I never completed this page. Dear diario, a long time has passed since my last writing, but my thought goes almost daily to you, and I wish to write much more often than I actually do.

I have been very busy with work, and have also been on holiday. I am still in Southern Italy enjoying my favorite place on Earth, but despite the fact that I am free to write these days, I don’t, cause I am really enjoying not being on the computer. This happens about 2-3 weeks per year, and I love it. Sometimes I wish I had an agricultural or a sea job, where you don’t need to be on the computer all the time.

Anyway, what I wanted to write when I last touched this diary, is that I have started training my mind to behave in ways that are different from what I am used to. I believe that our minds are all engineered by the genes that are transmitted by our family line, and by the behaviours that we develop during our childhood. Habits that occur on a regular basis at home, at school, etc. I am doing a lot of self-analysis, also with the assistance of my psychologist, with whom I relate to see if I am on track with my self-analysis (to avoid that it derails into something not useful to me). Since the habits are well ingrained, and tested over years and years of practice, I need to de-grain them, undo the habit.

So, the training consists of stopping my mind over a behaviour that I would usually have over something, say for instance at breakfast, and turn that behaviour into something that gives me more pleasure over time. Hard to describe right now, because I need to find myself in the moment in order to best describe what I mean. But in a nutshell, here is an example.

I am about to have breakfast; I make sure I clean the whole table before I sit and enjoy what for me amounts to the best meal of the day. I observe myself from the outside, right at the moment when I am starting to clean the whole kitchen; this behavior is forcing me to delay my breakfast, and it will delay everything else I have to do in the morning, including work; so I force myself to clean half the table instead of the entire table, and I force myself to not start cleaning the sink or the kitchen counter. I leave the sponge and I sit down to have breakfast. It is hard at first, because my mind is set to cleaning the whole thing before I allow myself to move to the next action, but in the longer run (a few minutes later in this case) I know that forcing myself to change my behaviour will be rewarding: I can enjoy my breakfast sooner, my mind will give me a break over my OCD, the compulsive behaviour that limits me.

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Enjoy!

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I hadn’t visited my psychologist in a while. I notice, after two years of this “psycho-routine”, that I go when I am down, and I don’t go when I am up. I mean, I don’t want to spend money or take extra time from my busy schedule when I am feeling good. But that is the point: unlike other organs in the body, I am learning that when the head aches inside, it is not such a matter of a day or a month to heal, and it won’t heal with tablets only, it will heal with work, loads of work that I must put into it. And I am learning that I need to be constant with the psychotherapy, and do it when I feel good and when I feel low.

It was actually good to see Dr. G. again. I don’t particularly like him, he is very Swiss in the “detached” kind of way. Plus he is a psychoanalist, and I don’t particularly fancy that practice, cause they often boil it down to the mom-related issues. There’s dads too. And loads of other elements that shape our identity. Plus, it is a loooooong therapy, it takes years, and looking at my budget, I feel I could use that money for more fun things, such as financing my podcast.

I realise though that this reasoning it to my own detriment. I am earning enough money to do both, and I live frugally anyway, so money should not be a problem. Away with this. So what’s the problem? Che ne so. Or, yes I know, I am learning to figure out, identify my problems. The source of them, how to catch myself getting into the wrong habit, and how to remedy that situation. It is such an invigorating process. I am doing it now that it is summer, the days are long and warm, sunshine has finally appeared at my doorstep, after many spring weeks of weird climate-change slash climate non change storm and snow in the month of May and June. Bring it on: Covid, weather unpredictability, solar eclipse, sunset sunshine, rainshowes and wind. I take it all, because I am happy at the moment, I am content, satisfied, proud of myself, on many fronts, and it’s all due to my own doing. I pet my own back and tell myself: brava L., you are achieving the potential in you, the famous or infamous potential everybody tells me about. Oh, you got so much potential, you are beautiful and smart, you can conquer the world… etc. Well, it gave me pure rage when I heard it during my low times, because I KNOW I am beautiful and smart, but somehow, this isn’t taking me anywhere… wasn’t. And I couldn’t see the path, I wanted everything and now, hic and nunc, and it doesn’t work that way. not for me. I have learnt that I need to be patient, and things will come in due time. I have to put effort on what I do, things don’t just fall from the sky, I make them fall in the right place, through my actions, my intelligent, my luck, my destiny, ma chaos, my fate, my doing, my education, my encounters, my new and old friends, my family, the good and the bad of everything.

We are yin and yang, I am coming to grips with my internal strength, I am learning to protect myself from others regards, I am learning, and it will probably take my whole life. But the beauty of life is the process, not the end.

Dr. G. was happy to hear my story, me learning, me doing exercise to not fall into traps, to learn to avoid OCDs, to go through them when I stumble into them, to prepare happiness when winter comes, when the days are shorter and gloomier, when I won’t feel like getting out of bed… I will be ready then. I will not allow myself to go lower than what I can handle. I will be ready. “Enjoy!” he said.

Enjoy this state of mind. Enjoy !

Let go of super small and super big things

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Letting go. the keyword of these days. the fil rouge, the common thread. Il filo di Arianna. I have been thinking a lot about this diary, and every time I want to write something I get swamped with work or other chores. Now I am writing, even though it isn’t a perfect page. It’s not all I want to say, but it’s something, and it’s an important topic. Be it only a paragraph, I will post it today. Costi quel che costi!

And this is the whole point of the post: let go of my own OCD, whether OCD stands for obsessive compulsive disorder (strive for perfectionism and efficiency for me), or simply daily obsessions or habits that force my mind to not be free or serene. I am letting go of small and big things. I mean, super small and super big.

The super small is leaving the kitchen table not completely tidy as I head to the bathroom after breakfast. I’ll do it in a second step. Super small is not rinsing the tupperware that is on my bathtub and that I just used for something (I won’t go into details); super small is leaving the dining room table full of little telescope items from my dad’s Celestron (one that I am helping assembling, cause dad can’t figure out the instructions); super small (actually not that super small in my head) is forcing myself to not go from point A to point B in an efficient way (efficient being picking up all items along the way that I could do in one go, instead of walking from A to B for 5 times to do what I could in one go). Efficiency and strive for perfection is what drives my mind. I guess it’s OCD all right.

Bigger things, the biggest actually: letting go of Will. This is the W. I mentioned in my posts all this time. His name is Will. He is the love of my life, I left him 5 years ago. It took me 5 whole looooong painful years, mentally and physically, to let go. And just like that, after reading a text from my friend L. in Montreal, it became clear in my heart. I must let him go, he is gone, he has taken a new path, he is “rid” of me, and I accept it now.

I am still on Fluoxetin, 20mg a day since December 2020 non stop. I am in a good mood, I can see above my problems, I can be rational. The big challenge will come when I stop the medicament. Then letting go will have all its power.

One step at a time. For now I am happy about this super big and super small achievements.

Apero with a clinical psychologist

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Yesterday I met with a lady who lives in the same city as me. A common friend recommended that I meet her as she can be a good guest for my podcast. So I did. She is a clinical psychologist. It was very nice to talk to her. She is very calm, very empathetic, she loves her job; we were not talking as doctor/patient, but as two friends. I really like her from a human point of view, and she likes me too. We could become good friends in the future.

Restaurant terraces just reopened in Switzerland, so we decided to meet at the bar on the city center square. It was very nice, despite the cold (14 degrees in mid May!). We had a drink and chatted about her life mostly, as I wanted to know what topics I am going to interview her about.

It was great to hear the perspective of a psychologist, to be on the other side for once. She doesn’t know that I have suffered from depression, and I was genuinely interested in knowing what she thinks about the “disease”. She pretty much confirmed what I already knew. But then she also said something I didn’t quite realise or know before: the end of one of her sentences was “people live with their depression”. I forget what came before these words, I can’t remember if she said that psychologists help people live with their depression, or that it is hard for people to live with their depression; the only thing that hit me, like a cold shower, was “living with your depression”. What? Doesn’t depression heal at one point? Well, yesterday I learnt that in some cases it doesn’t; that in some cases you live with it all your life. I also learnt that there are seasonal depressions (at the beginning of winter for example), and there are one-off depressions.

I knew that you can heal depression with psychological sessions, and it will go away, if it’s not more serious. In my case, in December 2019, I had come to a point where external help was not enough: friends, family, a behavioral therapist could not help me get out of it, so I was prescribed a medicament, Fluoxetin (Prozac for the Hollywood lovers). So I took it for 6 months, then reduced the dose by half, and after 9 months I quit; depression came back (smart me, I quit just before beginning of autumn…) and by December I had to start again, cause I was crying for no reason.

So now I wonder: will I have to take antidepressants forever? I certainly don’t want that. This is what this diary is about, to tell my story of how I defeat depression. And by defeat I mean get off drugs and be happy on my own again.

I am serene, happy, distanced from trouble right now. I feel good. I know it’s the medicine. But I am also doing lots of stuff right: a podcast, working well on my job, thinking of taking a pilot license, doing sports, meeting new friends, being social; in a nutshell, diversify my egg basket. This is a baggage of goodies that I will find at the end of my medicinal tunnel. I am building strength from inside, so that I am strong again when the serotonin and dopamine won’t be any longer injected chemically in me.

Side Effects of Fluoxetine (Prozac)

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If I dig into my older diary pages, I will find my notes about side effects. I will check later. I thought this morning I would check again on the Internet, because I have two clear changes that I feel to attribute to taking Fluoxetine. I am sort of doing a self diagnosis, based on the fact that I have taken two long repetitions of Fluoxetin, and I notice the same pattern. Nothing major, but to be monitored.

The first time I took Fluoxetin was December 2019 until June 2020, the second time was December 2020 until now (April 2021). in 2019 I starting reducing from June to September, taking 10mg instead of 20mg, then I stopped in September and October, but by November I was feeling depressed again, and I started again December until now. I still take the same dosage, 20mg. In both cases I had no Fluoxetin in the gloomier months of the year for me: October-December, and I had to wait until end of Jan in order to start feeling better. I confirm that it takes 4 to 6 weeks for Fluoxetin (Prozac) to kick in. So, in both cases, I have the same pattern developing: 1. once my mood stabilises and I feel happier, I start dreaming very vividly; 2. I become more cocky, blunt, sometime verbally aggressive in my reactions. As if the social mask that inhibits our very being from expressing itself was taken off.

These are not amongst the common side effects of Fluoxetine. If I look at the NHS in the UK, the side effects that happen in more than 1 in 100 people are:

  • nausea, headaches, being unable to sleep, diarrhoea, feeling tired or weak.

    • I am far from that, I actually sleep like a baby. And I have these vivid dreams, they feel so real that I wake un in the morning remembering them as they really happened. Last night I dreamt something that has been recurring to me: I was missing the plane, and I felt this anxiety and breathlessness because I was stressed, I had to take that plane, and nobody around (my family) was helping me getting there in time. My father, who usually likes to get to airports 2 hours in advance, was telling me to not go until an hour from the flight time, but this was not going to help, as we were on the other side of London (why London I dont know…). I had this dreams in different sauces several times. It is not a happy dream, but it is not a depressive one either. It kind of gives me adrenaline.

    The other thing is feeling cocky. The only common point I can interpret from the NHS list of serious side effects (happens less than 1 in 100 people) is this

    1. headaches, trouble focusing, memory problems, not thinking clearly, weakness, seizures, or losing your balance – these can be signs of low sodium levels

    2. thoughts about harming yourself or ending your life

    3. fits, feelings of euphoria, excessive enthusiasm or excitement, or a feeling of restlessness that means you can’t sit or stand still

    4. vomiting blood or dark vomit, coughing up blood, blood in your pee, black or red poo – these can be signs of bleeding from the gut

    5. bleeding from the gums or bruises that appear without a reason or that get bigger

    NHS article on Fluoxetine

    I feel number 3 is close to what I feel. During the day, when working or doing my own personal projects, I feel I am regaining confidence, and strength, and I tend to cast away everything that threatens that confidence. I don’t feel inhibitors in telling people what I think, and I feel good in what I am doing. Work is going better, I started (yes, finally!) my podcast, it feels good.

    But I need to be careful not to exaggerate. I live in Switzerland, not in Italy, and the direct way of confronting people is not appreciated. I even thought of telling my CEO that he was wrong in doing what he did to one of my clients. But he is the boss, I have no right to tell him what I think, right? And he is not the kind of person who will easily accept a critic. So I need to be careful to not ruin my own happiness by saying too outloud, or being too enthusiastic (euphoric sometimes yes).

    All in all, I am doing well, I feel that the medicine is helping me. Unlike I read in another article, I don’t think it is like a placebo. But I need to prepare my own internal medicine, my own mental weapons to fight depression if it comes back after I am out of Fluoxetine. When will I stop Fluoxetine? I don’t know yet. I am scared of the gloomy depressive winter. I will check with my Congolese psychiatrist.

    Anger again

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    Yes, anger again, same as last year. A cycle is kind of repeating: in the winter I am depressed and start taking fluoxetin; the medicine slowly but regularly starts having effect and equalises my moods, making me happier and stronger every day. It takes about 2-3 months to get stable. I am miserable in October-November-December, then from January things start getting better. Then around early spring (about now) I start becoming cocky, and angry at things and events; it is as if I was gaining too much confidence, and I can face any event or situation; I need to be careful, because at work I risk to respond abruptly to people (and to the Management) and I know I will regret if I do. So I tell myself “stay humble, don’t explode”. So I do. I try my best. So far I succeed, but sometimes I am really eager to give the proper feedback to people. I play it in my head over and over, as to rehearse the perfect speech.

    I remember last year I was angry against W., my ex (the love of my life), for not fighting for our relationship, for letting me go like that; the anger was good to not think of him too much, self defense I reckon. As I already wrote in another page, I’d rather be angry than depressed. And I remember that last year, around late spring, I decided together with my psychiatrist, to start diminishing the dose of antidepressant. Because I was feeling strong, and because I knew I could manage reducing the pills. This year I feel I am doing well again, I feel I could let go of Fluoxetin, but I want to be more careful, and not rush things. I don’t want to end up later this year with a winter coming and depression galloping again in my brain.

    Man, it’s so challenging to find a balance. I said from the beginning that I will win this fight, and I will. It feels though like a lifelong battle, that this will be my fight until the end of my days. I must never let my guard down, I must remember that there is always a risk of falling into depression. Like asthma. You have it and then it stays with you; you can calm it down, thame it, but never lower your guard, never underestimate the enemy.

    Create a hobby

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    When the psychologist says “do things you enjoy doing”, he is not wrong. It just takes a huge effort to take the first step. When I feel depressed I don’t feel like moving a thing, lifting a pen, tidying up the kitchen, let alone work on my hobbies, on what could make me excited. But, if I find the minimum motivation to take the first step, then I am really proud of myself. Taking Fluoxetin in the past few months has helped me feel more balanced and serene, so I take this opportunity to feel motivated enough to make a big step into something I really like to do. I have been postponing it for about two years, and now I have finally taken small steps toward it, and I did it. It’s like taking a weight off of my shoulders: finally being able to work on the podcast I have been meaning to do for a long time.

    My goodness, how difficult was this first step: I was looking at the whole picture and the endeavor seemed to be just too big to master. I would need to know how to record, how to edit the sound, how to find music, how to mix everything, how to find guests to invite to the show, how to choose the right hosting platform, etc. So, while the podcast has been in my head for such a long time, and all its perceived obstacles, I have taken one simple step: I looked for a freelance to help me with sound editing; on upwork I found a few freelancers. This has unblocked the mega block I had about podcasting: finding someone to share the task with me has been the solution to unblocking the blockage. It’s been 3 weeks and I have been interviewing people non stop, after my work hours, and working on my intro and outro before work, in the morning. It’s satisfying, I get to speak with people, I get to learn new things, and I get to improve my interviewing skills.

    Making the podcast has helped me immensely to get back on my feet, feel confidence, and counterbalance the frustrating moments at work. With a podcast I manage to put my eggs in different baskets, this is very important for my overall well being. So, next to the big “work” basket, now I have a “podcast” basket. Another basket is weekend sports: I am skiing quite a lot in Switzerland these days, despite the pandemic restrictions, and I am seeing new friends. This is something I look forward to.

    Dinners are also events I am enjoying. Making food for people, new friends, people I met on the whatsapp groups of like minded expats who are looking for new friends and activities to do. The social media help in this. Not easy to make friends in Switzerland, and I find that Lausanne has more Swiss people than expats (harder to mingle with Swiss than with expats); but I am meeting new people by signing up for walks, ski weekends on the mountains, and swimming sessions in the glacial cold lake. New acquaintances help the daily life.

    With Fluoxetin, more motivation, new activities, I feel that I am getting stronger. I have things to look forward to. And spring is coming: longer days, lighter days; this helps me immensely. There is hope. Just taking one step after the other. It’s so true: try to do something you know you enjoy. It’s difficult for us, depression prone people, but it’s not impossible; that’s it, it’s possible, and it will change your life for the better.

    Step by step

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    For someone who wants everything and now, thinking in steps, small drops, little daily progress is a huge endeavor. It’s almost paradoxical: for me small steps take a huge effort! And yet it’s true: I realise it now, after losing the big love, after returning to a country where it’s difficult to make friends, and with a job that gives me lots of frustration, I would rather leave, and get the immediate gratification of moving away from here, rather than working drop after drop every day, in the hope that it will bring joy in the future.

    Tomorrow is March 2021: 5 years since I moved back to Switzerland. Very hard times, let me tell you, and it ain’t over yet. But: I am learning to be patience, to not drop everything at the first (or second or third) difficulty; I have been wanting to quit my job since October 2020 (and in 2019 too), and have been telling myself to resist; this time you resist, damn it! It hasn’t worked out in the past, running away I mean, so why should it now? Resist! Embrace!

    My psychologist, whom I meet every 2-3 weeks, tells me that I have this pattern: when I feel blocked I want to leave. Mmmhh. yeah! I feel so constrained that it feels unbearable. Leaving is finding new horizons, changing landscape, moving household. Change is good for me, I seek movement, change, speed. But he says that this is not good for me, it’s a wish for escape, but problems will not disappear, they will tag along. He may be right; I don’t like him particularly, but I keep seeing him, for one reason: I have been wrong before, he may be right. He got this typical Swiss attitude, the rational one, you know? Rational, pragmatic, boring. Add Switzerland and Covid, and you’ll get boring all right! But then I must say that Switzerland during Covid is quite extraordinary: I am able to ski, paddle board on the lake, walk around without a mask. It’s a little paradise.

    So, long story short: I have to be patient, I have to go through my obstacles and blockages, the only way around it is through it. It’s so damn hard, but it is feasible. The medicine I am taking is helping me feel ok, even good again. Starting my new hobby is helping me tremendously (podcasting), and gives me inspiration that counterbalances the frustrations at work. Through some expat whatsapp groups I am meeting new, refreshing people, and that’s good. Step by step, drop after drop, I am going through this hard, dark winter: Fluoxetin has kicked in, some problems at work are being tackled, my podcast is finally up and running, skiing with new friends on weekends is fun, and the days are getting lighter, sunnier and warmer. Spring is around the corner.

    Happiness is an atttitude: I can be happy if I so choose.

    Step by step.

    Love in the time of depression

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    The movie was about cholera. I am talking about love and depression. Is it wise to look for love when you are still fighting depression?

    My psychologist tells me that I need to forget about my ex, and look ahead, not behind. He is probably right, but for the past 4.5 years I have been holding on the thought of W., as the love of my life, hoping that one day he will agree to talk, and to listen what I have to say; also tell me all the things I didn’t allow him to tell me in my face, cause …. yes cause I left him via email. Terrible I know, but that’s how it went. He never forgave me, and he is over me now, I am pretty sure, although a big part of me still organises her life in view of a reconciliation.

    Only love can help me chase away my ex love. I think. I miss love in my life, I am not used to live on my own; it sucks really. Plus I live in a very asocial country, among people that are used to very reserved lives. So I am on my own. It’s important for me to be good with myself, so that I can find the right person. Everybody will tell you that. If I am not happy, I will find unhappy people, or people who I content myself with, for lack of better option. It sounds mean, but it’s what happens. We project our state of mind to others,like a boomerang : watch what you are projecting, cause it will ricochet back to you with same intensity. I had that twice in the last 5 years. The first is the wrong guy for whom I left the right guy (W., the love of my life); the second one I met after I broke up with the wrong guy, and he was a bipolar depressive young man who I had fallen in love with, unable to rationally see how bad of an influence he had on me. Luckily after two years of yoyo, it ended. Like we say in Italian: “meglio soli che male accompagnati”: better alone than with bad company.

    But it’s not fun to always be on your own, and I really suffer this. I don’t believe in apps, like Tinder, Bumble, etc. But I got to such a desperate point that I joined a couple of those. It’s funny, there’s one called “adopt a guy”, and you have a shopping basket, just like at Amazon, where you check out the guys you pick. What a consumerism… But funny enough I have interacted with some of these people and one caught my attention. I invited him to dinner at my place, without any commitment; no restaurants to go to, and in Switzerland people are very safe, also on Tinder… plus he does kiteboarding, which for me isa guarantee that he is a good guy. at least not a psychopath (then again, you never know). so, he came to my place and we had a nice dinner; we chatted for about 3 h and then I was hoping he would leave. I guess he understood that, and he said goodbye, hug and kiss on the cheek. Afterwards he writes me that he felt the agreable wish to kiss me and take me in his arms. This warmed up my heart; I don’t find him my type really, but the thought of being desired and thought odf made me feel good. Now I wait for his messages, and it feels good. I don’t know what will happen, but I am going to see him again.

    I am very cautious though, because I don’t want to fall in love, and then have another case of non reciprocal love, or the fear that sex is bad, or that I won’t like him, or that I will like him more than I should. Most of all, the fear that I am seeking happiness in someone else, outside of myself. Is it bad? Is it wrong?