He is my only uncle. My mom’s brother. She has no other siblings; my father is a lonely child. Roberto had some health issues, and my mom went to visit him in early summer, sensing that it was the last time she would see him. My mom has always had this acute sense for medical diagnosis. She just knows what people suffer from and how to cure them. In Zio Roberto’s case, there was nothing else to do.

Zio Roberto died yesterday and I am on the train to Firenze, for tomorrow’s funerals. We have been in contact over the years, but he was not a close uncle. He had his life in Tuscany with his family (my cousin) and my mom had her life in Rome, with her family (me). They come from Sicily, which they left in their twenties.

Despite the timid relationship I had with my uncle, I am sad. I feel I am using his death to justify being sad, as if I were giving myself the permission to take a couple of days of sad-me, just like when I was depressed. It’s not quite the same (thank god), but I have been feeling down, feeling empathy for my cousin, who has lost 3 family members in 3 years (brother, mother and now father), just feeling sad and down, quoi. I didn’t feel like doing anything constructive yesterday, so I took the day off and went to see a friend and watch a movie at the cinema (Oppenheimer, 3h).

I am sorry for my uncle, I am looking back at happy moments with him and his family, and I feel sad because these days are over. I am kind of searching for excuses to be sad. I am truly sad, but I am not pulling my hair off my head out of despair. I am sad but I am ok. My cousin is really sad, and I feel for her, deeply. I do because I put myself in her shoes.

What makes me teerish is the thought of soon being at my cousin’s place. Soon my own parents will be gone, maybe one by one, maybe both together, who knows. The thought of losing them is unbearable and I wonder if I am preparing myself to that moment, by being sad today. Getting ready so that my baskets will still be full, despite the sadness. Cause the most important thing in my life is to not fall into depression again. Baskets full, self confident, sad yes but with perspective, detachment, cause I have to rely on myself and no one else. I have recently been missing being with someone, for exactly these reasons: I would like someone to hold my hand when I am feeling blue, I would like to write him notes of how I feel, and receive words of comfort. But I feel that missing this sensation is misleading, as I would end up relying on someone else for my own comforting and emotional relief. Sad then yes, but not for long, and keeping myself abreast.

Tomorrow will be a sad day. But I will be strong for my cousin.